Intention

[foggydew]

It is my absolute, cold, convinced intention to deal with situation I find myself in. I have a long way to go, but I will make it work. My uBPD person and I both need it to work - I have to provide contact and stability, he provides me with an anchor in life, albeit one that tends to move. He is not my partner, but a close young friend. Family for me. He sees me that way too.

At the moment the situation is difficult for me. He has fallen in love with a girl his age, seemingly a nice one, and I hope this relationship has a chance (though I'm doubtful). He tries not to neglect me, but the stress of the new relationship (only a month old) and being unemployed cause him to drink more than usual (he's alcoholic anyway). I try to build up his self esteem, try to talk to him about his difficulties, with more or less success. Or, should I say, I try tio get him to talk about things.

He calls me for help and companionship. He does nice things, then, suddenly... .I get devalued, baited, etc. The usual stuff. I can generally cope pretty well, try to use the tools here... .but it is getting me down at the moment because of the new situation and I feel vulnerable and tend to react badly sometimes, suspectiong things that aren't necessarily true because he doesn't communicate well. It all feels very lonely sometimes. And it's inappropriate for him to compare physical features, for him to say hurtful personal things. Then laugh and say he's only teasing. Ah, it even hurts physically.

I need a bit of back up. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Hugs to you. It sounds like a hard situation to be in. If you both consider each other family, why does he compare you to others? Who does he compare you to? That is sort of weird, but so many things with BPD do seem weird to us 'nons".

As much as we try to help those with BPD, they have to want help, and often find simple advice/nurturing as being controlled. I know I have to be so careful about what I say to BPDh. Heck, sometimes my having my own opinion makes him feel controlled!

[waverider]

This will always be tricky as you have intimate history. At some stage this is likely to be a huge issue for anyone he has a relationship with.

Be careful you don't end up in the area of codependency

[foggydew]

Thank you, both of you, for replying. Sometimes I feel so lonely in this situation. Waverider, codependency may be a problem too, going to look into it, already have an appointment with a therapist. Cerulean, yes, my having an opinion is often wrong, though he can take the same ideas from other people (or he hides his scorn).

Well,  girllfriend has left. He is devastated, and back spending time with me, and sometimes being close, more often rejecting.  I'm trying to look after myself, trying to be sympathetic, trying to keep boundaries. Trying to provide stability.

I got him to go out with me to get him together with other people. He disregulated massively on the way there, hitting his head on the window in the car repeatedly and pretending it was my bad driving. Being verbally aggressive, so that I had to say in front of other people that I didn't want to sit next to him. Happily, when he came to sit next to me nevertheless, a friend of mine talked to him, managed to get him to talk about his problem (girlfriend) and then politics. I kept out... .then friend turned to me and said 'it's ok now, he's found himself again'. And to a great extent, he had. So letting of emotional steam and then talking about non-emotional topics helped him.

I find it difficult that he asks me to help him, asks me to go places with him, then tries to make out to other people that I'm a nuisance and asks THEM to spend time with me.

[waverider]

Sounds like he rapidly cycles through the Drama Triangle using you alternately as a rescuer and prosecutor as best allows him to stay in victim mode

[foggydew]

Waverider, been looking at the drama triangle and trying to work on it, trying to work out where I play along. Person is really very often in the persecutor role and the victim role, but I'm not too sure about my role in this. Rescuer, probably. But I'm not sure how I can break the cycle... I just want to act normally and ignore the sh... .that is going on. He's gone no contact at the moment, or written one word answers where absolutely necessary. 'Good morning' is about the best. So I suppose I should ignore him too... .but isn't that then playing into the system?

[waverider]

So I suppose I should ignore him too... .but isn't that then playing into the system?

Mirroring(validating the invalid), or compensating for (rescuing), his behavior is playing the game. Just getting on with you life and doing what you would do and let him defrost on his own is staying out of the drama.

Having a new person in his life they wll for the time fill the shoes of rescuers and so you can readily be pushed into persecutor role

[foggydew]

Understand. Thanks. There's no new person in his life any more, after 3 weeks she left. So he's not feeling the best. Good, I'll invite him for a barbecue with my SIL as usual, then it's up to him and I'm still doing my usual stuff.

[foggydew]

Well, I left a book that I thought he'd like hanging on his door. With a little note saying my neighbour and I had enjoyed it ... .something I often do, and not just with him. He has just sent me a mail with the confirmation that he has bought me a record, to be delivered to my door. No personal word at all. I just mailed back my thanks and that's all.

[waverider]

Well, I left a book that I thought he'd like hanging on his door. With a little note saying my neighbour and I had enjoyed it ... .something I often do, and not just with him. He has just sent me a mail with the confirmation that he has bought me a record, to be delivered to my door. No personal word at all. I just mailed back my thanks and that's all.

Be careful with gift giving, it can subconciously leave people feeling like they have been put under obligation, triggering defenses against thoughts of being manipulated. This can lead to oneupmanship and reluctant return giving. Far safer to give letters or cards, They represent thoughtful supportive and empathetic  behavior with no intrinsic "payment" attached.

pwBPD can be particularly extreme with lavishing gifts to buy approval, so it can represent very dysfunctional behavior, and they can in return interpret it in this light.

[foggydew]

At least trying to be normal seems to have worked. No big (or any) emotions, friendly, matter of fact ... .and hey, silence has ended and I got a visit today, BUT. Something is really wrong. Ok, he had had something to drink... but his movements and speech were strange, staccato. Not like someone a bit tipsy. He couldn't always follow a line of thought and changed the topic mid sentence. He was wound up like a spring - you could feel the tension. I kept it easy, joked a bit, no prying. Any suggestion of doing anything together outside was vehemently rejected. Or any offer of help. After a couple of hours he left, giving me a hug. I told him he should tell me if he wanted contact or no contact. He said 'Contact please' and left. But it leaves me very worried about him.

[foggydew]

Next installment. I'm trying not to be white angry. He did some cleaning out for me whilst I was away with a member of his family for a few days. I told him there were things I wanted to keep, showed him - he has thrown them out. Trying to think how to react.