Considering going no communication with parents

[ghost0804]

I happened on this site while trying to find a local psychologist (no luck yet!) to help me work through the situation I am stuck!  I have never posted anything like this before, so I apologize in advance for the length and wordiness... .

I am 29 and an only child.  My childhood was tumultuous and I literally counted down the days until I could move out of my house.  The memories of my childhood that I cannot get out of my head include:

-mother locking herself in MY bathroom for days at a time laying on the floor in severe depression and refusing to come out for anyone, including me

-mother leaving/running away on a few occasions for days at a time

-mother threatening to kill herself on numerous occasions and divulging her plans tome (run car off bridge, carbon monoxide/car in garage, shoot herself).  When I was about 18, I actually took bullets out the gun and threw them over a bridge so that she would not be able to.

-mother accusing me of caring more about my friends than her

-mother accusing me of be embarrassed of her because she was fat (I never complained to anyone about her weight!)

-mother always making me invite my father to things or share things with him and pretend that I had not already told her as to "make him feel included"

-mother told me that if I have children it would not fair because my mother in law would get to see them more (now I rather avoid having children than have to deal with her stupid jealousy)

-mother going through cycles every couple months of severe depression and what I recognize now to be mania

-father accusing me of not caring for/loving him/wanting anything to do with him

-father would yell at me/blame me for foolish things such as being in the house and not unlocking the door for him before he put his key in

-father always managed to have raging anger over most things, particularly me and my mother.  Used to complain to me about events that took place prior to my birth such as complaining about how my mother left him for days at a time.  Or how apparently when I was an infant he took me to see my maternal grandparents and they wanted nothing to do with him or me because my mother was not there.  (I understand this may not be accurate)

-father states that he and my mother should have been the ones to stay at my house the night prior to my wedding instead of my 4 bridesmaids and that he should been invited to see my newly purchased house prior to anyone else (I still hear about this after 3 years).  I only had my bridesmaids stay with me to save money on a hotel room for all of us!

This is just a skimming of some of what I had to endure.  As I type it out I realize I can recall less about my father, I think because I tried more to block it out and forget.  But my response to all of the above growing up was fairly consistent... .internally I felt fear for the fact that my environment was so unstable, a longing for families like others where parents got a long, and a desire to do anything necessary to have a happy environment/home.  So this entailed me saying/doing whatever was necessary to keep them happy... .because I thought happy parents= happy environment= and then I am happy.  I talked my mother down from every suicide discussion proclaiming my undying love for her with tears in my face, begged my dad to believe that I loved and cared for him, etc.  It would take me breaking down to the point of almost no return to get them to change their mood finally, and then I could go back to a semi happy family.  So this is what I did over and over again.

This all continued into my adulthood.  It is draining.  My mother's mood cycles every few months, usually triggered by holidays or life events (birthdays, anniversaries).  Once I realized how crazy she was acting I started archiving all of her emails.  She has told me that I am selfish and care about no one other than my friends (of which I have very few despite what they think) and then a couple days later has proclaimed that she loves me and is sorry and I am so precious/special/amazing and to forgive her.  She has told me that she is removing herself from my life, and then months later begged to be back in it.  Every time I have talked to her I can be assured that she will tell me that she can't call because she is "bothering me" and I am "too busy".

My father has not initiated a phone conversation in almost a year.  When I do talk to him the conversation is full of "I know you don't care about this but" "I know you are not interested/don't want to hear this but".  He spoke with me on Thankgiving (my birthday) 2 years ago when I CALLED HIM to say happy thanksgiving, but he didn't think to say happy birthday.  I recently brought this up and he denied stating it was not true and "what am I saying, that he is senile?".  Along with other 4 letter words not worth sharing.

Now here I am as an adult, 29 years old.  I moved myself halfway across the country (obviously not by chance), but still cannot break free.  I have tried everything.  I can say what they want to hear and they are not happy.  I can ignore them and they are not happy.  I have now been married almost 3 years and they have managed to ruin days that are supposed to be important to share with your spouse. Our first anniversary- ruined because I spent it crying about how my mother accused me of not caring about her.  Thanksgiving- ruined because I am told repetitively that I don't care about them.  Christmas- ruined because they can't call me for any holiday to wish me happy holidays NOR open the Christmas gift I sent (made) them and thank me for it.  Over the past 2 years I have begun to realize that I have spent my whole life being manipulated to do and say what makes them happy.  I have slowly emotionally detached myself from them.  I am dependent on them for nothing.  I try to not share details of my life with them because they end up getting used against me.  They provide me no support, wisdom, or guidance the way I thought parents are supposed to.

Mother is diagnosed with bipolar and a different psychologist refused to see her stating she was borderline, which I know to be true.  She was hospitalized recently for inpatient treatment, but left AMA.  My maternal aunt recently shot herself in the chest and battles depression.  My maternal grandmother (passed) apparently suffered with depression and had ECT in the 40's or 50's.  I believe my father is also borderline maybe even a sociopath.  Who knows and I don't even care about diagnosis anymore.  I just want to be free.

I called my father on father's day this past Sunday which ended up being the worst idea ever.  I was yelled at, cursed at, accused of not caring, living a life that he knows nothing about, etc.  None of that even matters because I have heard it all before.  But never fail, I have call for every holiday and send a card for every holiday.

Now I have ignored all of the phone calls from my mother in which she wishes to "apologize" for my father. Today I actually blocked their numbers. I have ignored her 15+ emails gushing with I love you, you are precious, please call me, I want to hug you, I am sorry for what your dad did.  I do not want to talk to either of them.  My father's day went as to be expected.  That is not what made me want out of this dysfunctional relationship, it is the accumulation of everything I have endured from them my entire life. 

There is no middle ground with them and I am considering cutting off communication completely.  I feel like a horrible person for thinking this and seriously considering it doing it because they are my parents.  But I feel like I have spent my entire life raising them.  When am I going to ever get to be happy?  And I know there is no way my husband will be able to tolerate with me constantly crying about them for years to come and he is the best thing that has happened to me.  I am fearful of the outcome of what no communication will do.  They will think that I am punishing them.  Maybe my mother will become suicidal and kill herself and my father will blame me.  Maybe they will show up at my doorstep.

I need help!  I just want to be able to be happy!  I don't know if I am doing the right thing and if so how to really do this.

[losthero]

I have to go to work so I have to make this short.  Do not be so hard on yourself. I totally understand how life sucking draining it is. Im 43 and i have to warn you in my case my mother got even more worse with age.  I am currently no contact. I would reccommend reading about low contact on this site and try that. Read about boundaries and try setting some. You will know after several attempts if these will work for you or not.  If not you may have to choose no contact to save your own sanity and marriage.  ((Hugs))

[ghost0804]

Thank you losetho for the feedback. It is very difficult and things have definitely escalated since I moved away. I would say that the past 1-2 years in particularthings have been escalating rather quickly. I will look into the things you recommended. Thank you.

[GreenGlit]

Hi ghost,

I agree with losetho. Don't be so hard on yourself. Easier said than done - I'm 26 and still trying to find a place where I can keep limited contact with my parents and find the space to not compromise my own happiness. It's a work in progress. Your parents' dysfunction isn't your fault, nor your responsibility to "fix" (which won't ever happen). Even as an only child you are not obligated to sacrifice your sanity to beg for your parent's affections, which based on history is inconsistent and conditional. You seem to have found happiness and support despite the dysfunction in your home - so congratulations. Put on your oxygen mask first, then your neighbor's. By that I mean you need to look out for your own happiness and well-being as #1. I would read some of this site's articles on boundaries. After some reading, I've found that setting up strict "rules" with my parents has helped a lot  in keeping us from fighting. I decided I didn't have to sit there and listen to my mom scream awful things to me. I tell her calmly, "I'm sorry you are upset, but it makes me feel bad when you yell at me and it is not productive. I have to go to work/an appointment/whatever" and just hang up. She didn't like it at first but now she has learned I won't sit there and take her yelling and has learned that if she wants to call, she will need to talk like a semi-normal person.

[ghost0804]

Thank you GreenGlit!  It is so reassuring to know that others understand my situation.  And the oxygen mask analogy is so true!  I was able to meet with a psychologist last night and it was very helpful and I found it very reassuring to have her affirm that I was not crazy for feeling this way about my parents.  She said it is actually probably a good thing that neither of them have any insight because if they did they probably wouldn't be able to live with themselves at this point.  My plan is to continue no contact because the boundaries I tried to establish in the past were not respected.  I appreciate the support!

[P.F.Change]

Hi, ghost0804,

I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling.  I currently have very limited contact with my parents but there was a period of about 3 years where I had none at all. I still have not spoken to my mother directly in 5 years, only my father, thought I am starting to feel more reasy to cosnider it. When I asked for no contact, I had a lot of the same anxieties you are expressing. I worried what they would do--would they show up at my house? Stalk my kids at school? It turns out those fears were not realized. Nothing happened but the quiet I needed.

There also may be some middle ground between the two extremes of doing everything your parents expect and cutting off contact with them completely. I tried that first before I got too exhausted to try anymore, and I am finding my footing there now too. For me, that middle ground is calling and answering only when I feel up to it, and hanging up the minute they become abusive or when they insist on an off-limits line of conversation. I haven't sent a Mother's Day or Father's Day card in probably 8 years. To me, that feels liberating. Only this year did I decide to do birthday  cards. Years ago, I used to have my husband check the mail around birthdays and holidays and toss anything from my parents. Now I feel OK about it and can do it myself. Maybe in your case, the middle ground might be some boundaries to protect yourself around holidays, such as not making or accepting phone calls from your parents. What do you think?

In your case it sounds like your father might have some Narcissistic traits and so he may expect a lot of adulation. But you don't have to comply if that doesn't feel good to you. Your mother may also expect you to manage her mood swings, but that's a job you're not qualified for. Have you ever read a book called The Narcissistic /Borderline Couple ? I wonder if some of the dynamics it describes might sound familiar to you.

I hope you are able to find a counselor soon, as that was probably the most helpful thing for me. At any rate, we understand what you are going through and are here to help.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Tiredbride313]

Hi Ghost,

I just came across your post, and your story really resonates with me - there are a lot of similarities between your experiences and mine (including the only child aspect).  I am currently no contact with my parents. I tried low contact, medium chill, establishing boundaries but none of it worked. In the end no contact was the only option to protect myself.

Like losthero said, it's worth trying to set boundaries and maintaining some kind of contact first. When I made the decision to go no contact, I was at peace with it because I knew in my heart that I tried everything that I could.

Hopefully you've found a therapist to talk to. Having that really helped me. In the meantime, hang in there and be kind to yourself. You'll ultimately know what's best for you.

[ShieldsUp12]

Hi Ghost,

I totally relate to what you have written here. I would like to congratulate you on figuring this out at 29. It' took me until I was 37 to even hear the terms BPD and NPD and I've struggled with this situation with my mother since then. Even with NC in my case (after a few years of trying LC, "caring less", not sharing, etc., etc. that just wasn't working for me as she would ratchet up each time) I've figured out I'm really NOT NC ( I know, weird right?) because I have not disconnected from her in the way I thought I had. I'll repeat that: I have not disconnected with her in the way I thought. I didn't read email, I threw away letters. But her voice still plays in my head, I've still been worried about her (yes, even though she is a horribly verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive person who really only thinks about herself and takes pleasure when other people - not just me! - are suffering), I've been worried about how other people will perceive me, and really deep down I've wanted her to change even when I've said to myself I did not want that. So, sometimes NC is not as simple as it seems. To truly be NC, you need to work on yourself. You need to put the focus on you. Might be hard if you have never put the focus on yourself. You might not even know how to do that, but T will help. You really can free yourself or at least turn down the volume from the internal tapes that play and the need to "make them happy." I might be mistaken, but it seems like that is still an idea you are holding. I had a good T, and I liked him, but I had a hard time really opening up about stuff - why? - because I was still holding on to HER belief systems and value systems - if you could call her stuff "values", and also, laugh if you will, he looked a little like my abusive SF and I had a hard time with that.  So that T wasn't working out and I've found a new one who I can really open up to - and you really have to be honest with the T to make it work. Ugly awful horrible stuff you might be embarrassed by has to be discussed. In terms of NC, only you can decide what is best for you. But if you are at a point where you are considering no communication/no contact, there's a reason for it. Don't discount your feelings. That is what you were trained to do by them. Listen to your gut. We can offer advice, but ultimately it is your life (you only get one) and you need to be as happy as you can be.

[Maisha]

I completely sympathize with you - we have many similar family dynamics, only child, recently married, unwilling to have kids as we are so consumed by our mothers' dramas.  I can't offer much advice as I'm working through all this myself.  But one thing that does bring solace to me is my relationship with my husband.  Like your mother, mine also makes me feel guilty for that relationship - she often makes me feel like I'm "cheating" on her when I choose to spend time with my husband. You are incredibly brave and courageous for deciding to cut the parents off - it is an inspiration!  Don't feel guilty, you need this for your sanity.  You wouldn't be thinking of such a drastic move if you hadn't already tried everything else.  Make sure you surround yourself with people who validate you- I reach out to my friends to talk about the situation, as I know that my dad will only take my mother's side.  You need to be around people who acknowledge what you are going through and don't just accuse you of "over-reacting".  The problem with BPD is that your mother will never see that she is at fault.  And your father has probably spent so long protecting her, that he won't admit it either.

[MiserableDaughter]

I could have written that post. In fact, if you search my posts in the last 10 years on this board, I probably did! I'm 36. My mother has destroyed my marriage, every possible life occasion that should have been memorable in a good way! My wedding... .My honeymoon, my graduations, Christmases, holidays, my son's birth etc etc. My mil is in india and when she's come to visit my mom has has such massive jealousy because my son is spending time with her even though she sees him every two years! It makes no sense. There is nothing that does not revolve around her. Nothing. She is manipulative. Makes up stories and examples of other "great" daughters and tries to manipulate. Now she's trying to snatch my son. He's 3 and she's been competing with me for him since the day he was born... .my husband tried to walk out on me 4 times in one night last week. Her crap has given us such a negative base we've never been able to deal with other life issues.

Now after talking we are trying to move across the country. I can't focus on fixing my marriage with my parents always lingering in the back ready with knives. Even if I want to divorce my husband I need to be across the country to do it. Because not only so they have the ability to ruin my marriage but she can even hijack my divorce in how shhhheeeeee has been harmed and poor her.

Sorry for hijacking your thread. My point was, I identify more than you can know. And congrats on moving far away. Imagine if you were married and closeby... .Even worse. Save yourself. If you have the ability to go NC do it. I never have. I've grown up very similarly to you. Rages, locking in the bathroom, fake illnesses and suicide attempts. Ironically I'm the one who ended up being diagnosed with MS at age 27. My husband got a massive heart attack at 40. Both of us think it was due to the immense stress... .Pm me of you want to chat more... .