Just plain lonely...

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Folks,

My divorce from my AS husband came through yesterday and my relationship with my BPDxbf ended for what looks to be the final time, 9 days ago. It has been so rocky recently, with 5 recycles since March, that I do not think it is retrievable, but both of these men stopped me from feeling lonely... .and that's how I'm feeling now, sad and just plain lonely.

Lifewriter

[Mike-X]

Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry that you are feeling lonely. Can you elaborate on why you feel "lonely"?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lifewriter, Suggest you sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything.  It's normal, I would submit, to feel lonely, but that doesn't mean you should return to your BPDxBF.  In my view, another recycle is not a good idea.  Acknowledge and experience your feelings, then move on.  You have better options than your BPD SO.

LuckyJim

[Lifewriter16]

I sat with my loneliness last night and discovered that I was actually feeling sad. The loneliness was a need to be around people because of the sadness. The sadness has continued for most of today.

Lifewriter

[Tomzxz]

Lifewriter16,  Your not really alone.  We are here and we understand what your going through, we are here for you and each other. We wont abandon you, you will survive this, there is hope.  We will get through this together.  I'm sorry you are in so much pain but now you can take care of yourself so you don't have to worry about someone being able to hurt you this much again.  I credit bpdfamily for getting me through my low shortly after my breakup when I was most lonely.  The people here have even been helpful during my vulnerable stage when I was repairing myself and again when I worked up the courage to start dating. The people here are wonderful and very knowledgeable not just on BPD but on helping us recover from and understand why we found our way into a toxic relationship.

Were not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.

The sadness will pass, Your not alone.

[Lucky Jim]

Well done, Lifewriter.  It's interesting that sometimes what we think we are feeling on the surface is really a cover for deeper feelings.  For example, when we get angry, often deep down we feel hurt.  It's OK to feel sad.  Suggest you acknowledge it and let it pass.

LJ

[deux soeurs]

We have been there, contemplated leaving, or just left.  Congratulations on leaving a very unhealthy relationship.  You sound very caring and compassionate, but, were your needs being met as well?  I found I was in a relationship, but still alone... .Even if you are physically with someone, unless it is a mature and intimate relationship , you will still feel alone.  Hang in there and remember, it will get easier!

[Forestaken]

Lifewriter16:

Xh and Xbf in the same year? Yikes! 

My story: 24 years married to a uBPD+dOCD-Xw.  Abusive: Physically, mentally and financially.  Separated 3+ years; divorced 1+ years.  Number of r/s post separation: zero.

When I went to therapy, my T told me to work on myself first: study, travel, do things >>just for me<<.  I thought he wasn't listening to me.  I wanted a true life partner, a soul mate.  Good thing I listened to him.  I have grown so much stronger. I am a certified professional and have travel to places my X would never wanted to go but I did.  Are there lonely times? yes, but I am happier and pleased at my progress. 

I understand the loneliness.  But being alone is better than being in a dysfunctional r/s.  I've experienced them both.

BTW: I know it's my opinion but its your life.

[Svarl1]

Hi Lifewriter,

Being able to observe your feelings, and examine them without judgment or being overwhelmed, is a big step.

I've begun to wonder,  if we are feeling so lonely that we come to believe  we need someone who won't leave us, does that make us more drawn to people with BPD traits?

Such a person, for all their difficult and harmful behaviour, often has a strong drive to 'cling' in the relationship no matter what.

In this respect they may remove the threat of loneliness from the lonely person - at least at first, before they attempt to isolate their partner from all support networks.

By being able to recognise that loneliness and sadness are just feelings, by being able to live with them as they come and go,  the impulse to form a relationship in order to make the feelings disappear will diminish.

[Forestaken]

I think society has us believing that we need someone to be valued. ... .We don't.

[wilting_rose]

Hi Lifewriter16

How I can sympathise... .I have these moments when I can actually stop and think about everything that has happened to me - and tears roll down my face - every time.

My BPDexbf and I broke up just over a month ago and although it was my choice to end it, I really didn't have a choice - he'd begun distancing himself and I wouldn't hear from him for days on end.  I never got the chance to "discuss" what was going on with him, why he suddenly needed "time and space" to think about things... .I don't even know what those "things" were... .but I couldn't take the ignoring any longer and decided I wouldn't allow him to treat me that way indefinitely. 

Since breaking up, there has been no contact - he's got a new cell number which he hasn't bothered to tell me, which makes it clear he doesn't want to speak to me.  The one time I've seen him since the break up he "ran" - as it was an unexpected meeting.  I felt really hurt by his actions - after everything I did for him - how could he treat me like "the enemy"?  I sent him an email which basically said that I was disappointed he couldn't even face me, it was sad.  What had I done to deserve this?  I wasn't expecting an answer, but got one straight away - basically blaming me for EVERYTHING... .I'd abandoned him! 

It never occurred to him that ignoring me for days when our relationship was one where we couldn't bear to be apart and were constantly texting and calling when we couldn't be together - could be considered "abandoning" me... .  That part he conveniently forgets... .

I love him, despite everything he's done and we've been through, I'd probably take him back if he wanted to come back... .but this isn't happening and like you, it's very lonely.  I feel like a part of me is missing and I can't seem to stop the ache.  I miss him so very much - it hurts just to think about him. 

So I get it... .I totally understand where you're coming from... .  It is incredibly lonely.  You've lost someone who is still very much a part of you - the history is there, all the memories.  I sometimes think it would be easier if he were dead and I was actually "mourning" his loss  in a normal way.  But he's very much alive and the chances of seeing/hearing from him are a possibility - so it hurts even more.

I try to explain this to friends - and bless them, they try to understand and all say the same thing, "I'm better off without him"... .but now, right now, I feel very much alone in the world... .with a very shattered heart.   

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Wilting Rose,

Thanks for your post and welcome to the Family.

I've been posting since April through various recycles with my BPDxbf. I find that posting here helps - I post and cry, then post again and cry again. Then, for a little while, I feel a bit better. Then I read something that someone else posts and want to cry all over again.  Sometimes I feel like I'm indulging myself, but this hurts a great deal and the sooner I get the pain out, the sooner I will feel better.

It's also a month since my final breakup occurred. We have had contact in the last week and the opportunity to talk. It helped because it clarified things for me and enabled me to start grieving again. 

From reading the posts here, it seems that many people struggle for not having the opportunity to get closure. It sounds like your xbf's behaviour really confused you. In the last week, I've read various posts about being given the silent treatment. It wasn't something I felt I encountered with my BPDxbf, or perhaps I was just so relieved that it meant he wasn't giving me a hard time, that I didn't mind. Do you think your xbf was giving you the silent treatment or was he in the process of withdrawing from the relationship?

I hear you saying that you are hurting very badly too. I wish I could offer you a hug. Leaving any relationship is a big wrench but doing it 'for our own good' is particularly awful because of the conflict between heart and head that is inherent in it. Keep posting. Neither you or I are not actually on our own, even if we feel lonely. It never really dawned on me before, but loneliness is an emotion not a fact that defines our self worth.

Love Lifewriter

[wilting_rose]

Hi again Lifewriter16,

Your question:   Do you think your xbf was giving you the silent treatment or was he in the process of withdrawing from the relationship?   It's really difficult to answer - I'm not sure, maybe a bit of both.  All I know is we'd had a great weekend prior to the "I need time and space to think"  came up.  We had been living together but after a serious fight, I asked him to leave.  He went back to his parents' home - and I think that was the beginning of the end. 

We'd had other less serious fights when he'd leave and spend a day or two at his parents, and I know they were not pleased that their newly divorced adult son, was living at home again.  I went to his parents' home one day to speak to him and his mother made it very clear to me that she'd prefer if he went back to his ex-wife and kids, rather than be in this situation.  I understand and respect her opinion - but how could she so quickly forget that her son had attempted to commit suicide months earlier because he wanted out of the marriage and felt he had NO support from anyone - including his own family... .after that, he got their support - and I became the best thing since sliced bread - because I took him in and cared for him... .we had a good relationship, no major arguments - just the stress of living with his ex-wife's constant retaliation tactics and turning his kids against him.  But he was undergoing group therapy and had gained coping mechanisms - or so I thought.

Just when it seemed we had overcome the biggest obstacle to our future together - the divorce - we had our last "falling out" which led to my asking him to leave my home.  We did make up in the meantime, and I did tell him he could return when and if he felt ready to return to my home... .but this time, he wasn't so desperate to return.  This worried me somewhat because in addition to feeling he was becoming more distant, I also knew he was "smoking hash" - to relax... .(his parents were unaware, but I knew and since he'd consumed and been an addict when he was younger - I was understandably worried.  I think he felt like he was "freer" at his parents', because they were oblivious to what he was doing.  Thus, his reticence to return as I would not have tolerated drug use in my home. 

I could see him getting deeper and deeper into a hole and not being able to get out of it - but he was very good at hiding this from his family.  So when we spent our last weekend together, he slept over - this I think raised the alarm with his parents who were questioning if our relationship was unstable and making him worse... .

All I know is that Monday, when he got home, they must have all ganged up on him and given him a hard time about considering another "reconciliation".  I had become a negative in their eyes.  My ex is a wonderful man, but one of his key issues is not being able to cope with pressure of any kind - thus the escape tactics - drugs, silent treatment, etc.  The only problem was that I was the only one suffering the consequences of the pressure they put on him - I'm the one he withdrew from, I'm the one he was barely talking to... .I'm the one who was being ignored.  Thus began the withdrawing from our relationship - perhaps to appease his family - perhaps unable or unwilling to deal with the pressure - perhaps having second thoughts about how he really felt about me - these are all questions I will never have answers to, it seems.

After breaking up with him, because of the treatment(punishment?) I was getting, he has not even tried to contact me and when we did run into each other, he ran off.  He also has a new cell number, which he has not bothered to give me, so my only contact with him is through email.  Clearly, he doesn't want contact with me.  When I questioned him regarding what I'd done to deserve this - that's when I was accused of having "evicted" him from my home and abandoned him.  His version of the events skewed so that I am "responsible" for the break-up. 

While it's true I was the one who technically broke it off, I did so because of the way he was treating me - ignoring, pretending I didn't exist, not even explaining why he suddenly needed "time and space" to think about "things". 

So, you see, your question is difficult for me to answer because I honestly think it is a bit of both... .and continues to this day.  I am at a total loss... .  I won't be contacting him anymore as I think it's quite clear he prefers me not to - our only means of communicating is email.  If he were remotely interested in talking or being with me, he'd make the effort, he hasn't.  So, I'm left feeling "abandoned", though I'm the one accused of inflicting that on him.  I know he's hurt, his pride is at stake, and he is being "pressured" by family - but I can't help feeling like the sacrificial lamb in all this.  Not a day goes by that I don't pray he'll contact me and "man up"... .but he's shown all along that assertiveness is not his forté.  So I'm left wondering if he feels anything for me at this point... .besides resentment... . 

I'm at a complete loss and losing hope as time goes by... .     

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Wilting Rose,

Yes, a difficult and hurtful situation. I'm sending you a big hug.

Here's a link to a website that I have found to be very helpful in beginning to understand what has happened with my ex:

www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html

I'm not sure whether your xbf has got a diagnosis, but this website covers all personality disorders and characteristic behaviours of each, so I'd definitely recommend it. It also looks at what it is like to have a relationship with someone who has a disordered personality.

The articles on this website are also enlightening, I found these articles on relationship breakdown particularly helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

None of these things take the pain away, but they do help to reduce the confusion and guilt and self-doubt.

Love

Lifewriter

[wilting_rose]

Good morning Lifewriter16,

Thank you for the links - I've been reading and trying to assimilate as much as I can... .it helps tremendously to share with people who truly "understand" what I'm going through - and no one understands this better than someone who's going through it themselves... .

I know it's early days for me - I can't expect to "get over it and move on" as quickly as everyone would like me to.  I still love him - despite his illness - and part of me, has hope things will eventually improve.  I don't know if he's involved with anyone else, though I understand there's a high possibility of that.  Ignorance is bliss at this point, I suppose.

Thank you so much for listening to my "story" and the advice you've shared.  I am grateful and indebted to you and all those on this site who've shown me such consideration.

Let me know how things are progressing on your side - I'm glad to listen. 

Sending hugs and positive energy your way! 

wilting_rose

[Lifewriter16]

You're more than welcome, Wilting Rose - that's what we're all here for. And thanks for the hugs and positive energy.

Keep on posting. It helps.

Love Lifewriter