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[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

This is my first post and will probably be really, really long. Thank you in advance to those of you who make it through!  Two months ago my husband was diagnosed bipolar 2, and our therapist thinks he also has "BPD tendencies."  After lots of reading, I personally think "high functioning BPD" fits the best.

A little background.  We've been married going on 19 years.  We were friends who had a summer relationship, got pregnant, and were pressured to "do the right thing."  At the time he was in love with someone else (I didn't know until after we were married), and I was rebounding from a guy who turned out to be molesting his little sisters.  I loved my husband as a friend, and didn't realize he thought we were dating until some time into the relationship.  At that point I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so continued to date him.  But things got bad quickly.  He was moody, irrational, aggressive, he'd humiliate me in public.  When I'd try to back things off, he'd bring up suicide, and proceed to tell me how amazing I was, how I was the only person who really understood him and was there for him.  So, I stayed.  And, I sobbed on our wedding night because I was so terribly sad to be married to him.

The first few years of marriage were really hard.  Neither of us wanted to be there.  He was moody, aggressive, manipulative.  His version of reality was rarely mine.  I used to dream of installing a nanny cam so he could see what really happened. We dealt with violent rages, lack of inhibitions, serious depression/low self-worth issues, reckless driving, public temper tantrums.  My own mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder, so much of this felt "normal."  Familial and religious pressure and obligation kept me there. As did the frequent suicide talk.  And, the fact that he controled all of the finances.  Through the years he'd act supportive of my furthering my education, or trying to run a little business, but then he'd sabatoge my efforts.  It has been an extremely unhealthy, co-dependent situation.

At one point he had gone into a rage, berating our three year old, and when I tried to call my mom to come get me and the kids, he chased me upstairs, grabbed the phone, and smashed it against the wall.  The next day, I remember rocking my second baby, and confiding in his mother, but she told me his behavior was my fault because I asked him to be in charge of unloading the dishwasher in the evening.  If I wouldn't put so much pressure on him, he'd act nicer.  At that point I knew I was trapped.  I could never leave my children alone with this man, or his family.

Things went on like this for 18 years.  Sometimes there were good seasons.  My husband has been successful as a business owner (not so much working for other people, but he thrives when he's in charge).  We've always had a roof over our heads, and food to eat.  But, we didn't feel safe. Once in the early years, I begged him to go to counseling.  We went once, and they referred him to a psychiatrist.  He went once, felt judged, and made up a story in his head about how he couldn't get a formal diagnosis or medication, or he'd lose his job.  He truly believed that, and eventually had me believing it as well.

We now have six children. They range in age from 18 yrs. - 2 yrs. They are my joys; they make life worth living. I know it sounds selfish to bring so many children into this situation, but a mixture of denial about the situation, religious influence, extreme fertility, and a few "accidents" led to a house full.  Looking back, I can now see keeping me "barefoot and pregnant" was a useful part of his plan of control.  But, I couldn't see that at the time.  I just knew I got up every day for my children. Then, the last time, he got me pregnant against my will, two days after I gave him an ultimatum: get help or the children and I are leaving.  It made me question if I'd been manipulated into having babies before.  I looked at things differently after that.

So, two months ago, things came to a head. I've been getting stronger.  My sister has been in therapy, and we've talked a lot, healing from our dysfunctional upbringing.  I realized I had started to see our life as "normal."  My oldest daughter started an unhealthy dating relationship with a boy who was just like her father.  And then, a horrible fight happened between my daughter and my husband.  And she called me emotionally abusive for marrying a man like him.  Her younger sister started having panic attacks when she had to come home.  And, I woke up.

I began to read and search for answers.  I found a website with the symptoms of BPD, and when my husband was in a good mood I read them to him.  By some miracle he recognized himself in them.  He said "I passed that test didn't I."  He told me he'd read some books and cure himself, but I insisted on getting outside help.

I first went to our priest, and found out my husband had secretly beat me to the punch, emailing him and asking for a therapist recommendation.  Our priest told me not to be a doormat, but to make sure I was practicing sacrificial love. Not necessarily horrible advice, in a healthy family, but then he said that things couldn't be that bad at home because our kids are so well adjusted, and my husband is obviously trying to get help.  I left that meeting feeling trapped, like no one would ever believe what our family life is really like.  But, my husband *did* make a therapist appointment, and he asked me to go with him, which surprised me.

We've been in couples therapy for almost two months, and I have been going by myself for about a month.  He's been on medication for the bipolar for a month.

He seems like a new man.  Which honestly scares me.  You can't be "cured" from a mood or personality disorder in a month.  He is *very* smart, and has admitted to me, and the therapist, that he can make us believe whatever he wants us to believe.  So, I am afraid I am being manipulated with the good behavior. For now, I am grateful to deal with only 2-3 rages a week instead of 10+, and I am trying to keep my guard up and protect my children.  And trying to figure out a plan to keep my younger children from having the same childhood the older ones had.

If you made it this far - thank you!  I have a few questions, but this is so long, I'll make another post. 

Thank you!

Keiba

[Keiba]

Hi,

This is my first post and will probably be really, really long. Thank you in advance to those of you who make it through!  Two months ago my husband was diagnosed bipolar 2, and our therapist thinks he also has "BPD tendencies."  After lots of reading, I personally think "high functioning BPD" fits the best.

A little background.  We've been married going on 19 years.  We were friends who had a summer relationship, got pregnant, and were pressured to "do the right thing."  At the time he was in love with someone else (I didn't know until after we were married), and I was rebounding from a guy who turned out to be molesting his little sisters.  I loved my husband as a friend, and didn't realize he thought we were dating until some time into the relationship.  At that point I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so continued to date him.  But things got bad quickly.  He was moody, irrational, aggressive, he'd humiliate me in public.  When I'd try to back things off, he'd bring up suicide, and proceed to tell me how amazing I was, how I was the only person who really understood him and was there for him.  So, I stayed.  And, I sobbed on our wedding night because I was so terribly sad to be married to him.

The first few years of marriage were really hard.  Neither of us wanted to be there.  He was moody, aggressive, manipulative.  His version of reality was rarely mine.  I used to dream of installing a nanny cam so he could see what really happened. We dealt with violent rages, lack of inhibitions, serious depression/low self-worth issues, reckless driving, public temper tantrums.  My own mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder, so much of this felt "normal."  Familial and religious pressure and obligation kept me there. As did the frequent suicide talk.  And, the fact that he controled all of the finances.  Through the years he'd act supportive of my furthering my education, or trying to run a little business, but then he'd sabatoge my efforts.  It has been an extremely unhealthy, co-dependent situation.

At one point he had gone into a rage, berating our three year old, and when I tried to call my mom to come get me and the kids, he chased me upstairs, grabbed the phone, and smashed it against the wall.  The next day, I remember rocking my second baby, and confiding in his mother, but she told me his behavior was my fault because I asked him to be in charge of unloading the dishwasher in the evening.  If I wouldn't put so much pressure on him, he'd act nicer.  At that point I knew I was trapped.  I could never leave my children alone with this man, or his family.

Things went on like this for 18 years.  Sometimes there were good seasons.  My husband has been successful as a business owner (not so much working for other people, but he thrives when he's in charge).  We've always had a roof over our heads, and food to eat.  But, we didn't feel safe. Once in the early years, I begged him to go to counseling.  We went once, and they referred him to a psychiatrist.  He went once, felt judged, and made up a story in his head about how he couldn't get a formal diagnosis or medication, or he'd lose his job.  He truly believed that, and eventually had me believing it as well.

We now have six children. They range in age from 18 yrs. - 2 yrs. They are my joys; they make life worth living. I know it sounds selfish to bring so many children into this situation, but a mixture of denial about the situation, religious influence, extreme fertility, and a few "accidents" led to a house full.  Looking back, I can now see keeping me "barefoot and pregnant" was a useful part of his plan of control.  But, I couldn't see that at the time.  I just knew I got up every day for my children. Then, the last time, he got me pregnant against my will, two days after I gave him an ultimatum: get help or the children and I are leaving.  It made me question if I'd been manipulated into having babies before.  I looked at things differently after that.

So, two months ago, things came to a head. I've been getting stronger.  My sister has been in therapy, and we've talked a lot, healing from our dysfunctional upbringing.  I realized I had started to see our life as "normal."  My oldest daughter started an unhealthy dating relationship with a boy who was just like her father.  And then, a horrible fight happened between my daughter and my husband.  And she called me emotionally abusive for marrying a man like him.  Her younger sister started having panic attacks when she had to come home.  And, I woke up.

I began to read and search for answers.  I found a website with the symptoms of BPD, and when my husband was in a good mood I read them to him.  By some miracle he recognized himself in them.  He said "I passed that test didn't I."  He told me he'd read some books and cure himself, but I insisted on getting outside help.

I first went to our priest, and found out my husband had secretly beat me to the punch, emailing him and asking for a therapist recommendation.  Our priest told me not to be a doormat, but to make sure I was practicing sacrificial love. Not necessarily horrible advice, in a healthy family, but then he said that things couldn't be that bad at home because our kids are so well adjusted, and my husband is obviously trying to get help.  I left that meeting feeling trapped, like no one would ever believe what our family life is really like.  But, my husband *did* make a therapist appointment, and he asked me to go with him, which surprised me.

We've been in couples therapy for almost two months, and I have been going by myself for about a month.  He's been on medication for the bipolar for a month.

He seems like a new man.  Which honestly scares me.  You can't be "cured" from a mood or personality disorder in a month.  He is *very* smart, and has admitted to me, and the therapist, that he can make us believe whatever he wants us to believe.  So, I am afraid I am being manipulated with the good behavior. For now, I am grateful to deal with only 2-3 rages a week instead of 10+, and I am trying to keep my guard up and protect my children.  And trying to figure out a plan to keep my younger children from having the same childhood the older ones had.

If you made it this far - thank you!  I have a few questions, but this is so long, I'll make another post. 

Thank you!

Keiba

[Aussie0zborn]

The next day, I remember rocking my second baby, and confiding in his mother, but she told me his behavior was my fault because I asked him to be in charge of unloading the dishwasher in the evening.  If I wouldn't put so much pressure on him, he'd act nicer.

That's just classic. In every instance it seems he got in before you. My high functioning ex used to do that, too.

You are asking the right questions and it seems you are giving yourself a sensible and unbiased reality check and coming to many logical conclusions. As hard as the process is, carry on with it and go with your gut feeling.

One place he can't get to before you is right here. Keep posting. I found it helps. Good luck.

[Keiba]

  

Thank you so much for responding!  I feel so grateful to have found this message board!