Silent treatment is getting me down

[Depression = 72% of members]

 I need a hug, so here it is! ... .I have read posts from others and I found so much similarities, I was astonished.

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years has for the first time put me in a "blocked" or "silent treatment" status for the first time in our relationship.

He always had said "Life is Black and white" There is no grey. I do not agree with that.

He screamed at me last conversation and said "YOU ARE THE Problem!"

He also said, I don't care about your kids, my kids or you, this is ALL ABOUT ME!" kids are 10, 12 and 15, I'm like "what the heck!"

He said he loved me, but he may need weeks or even a year before I hear back from him.

He fails to reply to calls, texts so I wrote him a letter on Sunday. Today is Friday and nothing just crickets.

There is no closure.

We had a great life, (we live in separate households) a lot of fun, helping each other and family like times, going to restaurants, church, his family events (because I have no family but my son) and now NOTHING. I mentioned we should talk about marriage and this is where he went nuts. He said NO NEVER, not to you or anybody! It is hurtful.

He got divorced in 2009, she cheated and two little girls in the middle. well, because of that he says NO to marriage EVER! I have never felt unsafe, that is not the problem. His angry outbursts and being the victim are more the problem and they are ridiculous , what I call "man tantrums'. He had bad concussions from football when he was in high school, but his issues are looking to me like BPD. I don't know, there has never been an official diagnosis. This is just SAD. Kids are down, I'm down

[willemina]

 I need a hug, so here it is! ... .I have read posts from others and I found so much similarities, I was astonished.

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years has for the first time put me in a "blocked" or "silent treatment" status for the first time in our relationship.

He always had said "Life is Black and white" There is no grey. I do not agree with that.

He screamed at me last conversation and said "YOU ARE THE Problem!"

He also said, I don't care about your kids, my kids or you, this is ALL ABOUT ME!" kids are 10, 12 and 15, I'm like "what the heck!"

He said he loved me, but he may need weeks or even a year before I hear back from him.

He fails to reply to calls, texts so I wrote him a letter on Sunday. Today is Friday and nothing just crickets.

There is no closure.

We had a great life, (we live in separate households) a lot of fun, helping each other and family like times, going to restaurants, church, his family events (because I have no family but my son) and now NOTHING. I mentioned we should talk about marriage and this is where he went nuts. He said NO NEVER, not to you or anybody! It is hurtful.

He got divorced in 2009, she cheated and two little girls in the middle. well, because of that he says NO to marriage EVER! I have never felt unsafe, that is not the problem. His angry outbursts and being the victim are more the problem and they are ridiculous , what I call "man tantrums'. He had bad concussions from football when he was in high school, but his issues are looking to me like BPD. I don't know, there has never been an official diagnosis. This is just SAD. Kids are down, I'm down

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[Daniell85]

  I know how it is.

What would you like to do at this point? Did you read the lessons to the right on this page? All of the links are very informative and can help you decide how to proceed. I realize there isn't much you can do in your interaction with him, since he is MIA right now, but at least you can start to get a real understanding of why this is happening.

And remember what he is doing is NOT your fault. It's his dysfunctional way of coping. It's on him. Not you.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry that he did that, willemina, being cut off or given the silent treatment is yet another form of emotional abuse.

There could be something physiological regarding past brain injuries. However, he's an adult, and responsible for both his mental health and also for treating others with respect. Dniell85 made a good suggestion about reading through the lessons to the right of the board. Here is a link to mostly the same material: Choosing a Path

Though you are sad and likely angry, we can help go through communication tools developed specifically for communicating with pwBPD which may help.

You mentioned "kids" plural. Are you in contact with his kids?

As for his "no answer" answers, I'd let it be at this point, though it sounds like you already figured that out. If he does re-engage, then we can help you with the communication at that point.

Turkish

[Turkish]

Here is one of my favorite discussions here. It may put his "mantrums" in perspective:

BPD Behaviors: Emotional Immaturity

From the discussion:

Here are some characteristics of emotional immaturity from When the man in your life can't commit by David Hawkins:

1. Volatile Emotions Emotional volatility is indicated by such things as explosive behavior, temper tantrums, low frustration tolerance, responses out of proportion to cause, oversensitivity, inability to take criticism, unreasonable jealousy, unwillingness to forgive, and a capricious fluctuation of moods.

2. Over-Dependence Healthy human development proceeds from dependence (I need you), to independence (I don’t need anyone), to interdependence (we need each other — see also the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey).

Over-dependence is indicated by: a) inappropriate dependence, e.g. relying on someone when it is preferable to be self-reliant, and b) too great a degree of dependence for too long. This includes being too easily influenced, indecisive, and prone to snap judgments. Overly-dependent people fear change preferring accustomed situations and behavior to the uncertainty of change and the challenge of adjustment. Extreme conservatism may even be a symptom.

3. Stimulation Hunger This includes demanding immediate attention or gratification and being unable to wait for anything. Stimulation hungry people are incapable of deferred gratification, which means to put off present desires in order to gain a future reward. Stimulation hungry people are superficial and live thoughtlessly and impulsively. Their personal loyalty lasts only as long as the usefulness of the relationship. They have superficial values and are too concerned with trivia (their appearance, etc.). Their social and financial lives are chaotic.

4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

[willemina]

I read the Emotional Immaturity blog and it was helpful and pertained to him. Daniell, I have been reading posts on the right and little by little those and everyones posts have been letting me know I am not the only one going through this and I am connecting the dots here and that is helpful

He is responsible for his mental health. His concussions (head injuries) may scare him and here is something even worse, when his wife divorced him for another man, he went low and I mean low. He is a 200 lb. big guy, who slept in the bedroom closet out of fear and he was committed to the psych hospital for suicide risk. He rationalizes that "If I get married again, then that wife leaves me, I'm dead!"

He believes he will die, and he knows he can be hard to live with, so he figures its better to be boyfriend and girlfriend forever and he will solve his problem! He is very intelligent, but not on relationships!

His kids and my kids chat on snapchat and his girls miss us very much, we love each other.

If he ever contacts me, I will need you to help me with the communication part. That was his complaint about us, that we had terrible communication.

[Turkish]

I was "sent" to therapy because I was a terrible communicator. Silly me,.but words flowing from the mouth don't necessarily mean one is a good communicator. If I had said that to her, however, that would have been JADEing, which isn't a good thing to do (to anyone,.really). See here for more:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.0

Have you had these JADE moments?

[willemina]

JADEing, I have at times done that and it didn't take too long before I realized he absolutely does not see things the way I see them, so it was stopped for the most part.

Part of a couples closeness is sexual intimacy of course, but here is an honest thing that happened in our relationship, we have been a couple for a year and 8 months. So, I am a Christian and he is Catholic. Not too long after we decided to be a couple, we were sexually intimate. I was sure it was leading to marriage.

I brought marriage up when he didn't (or walking by jewelry stores he would joke, "don't get any ideas", but he says he loves me all the time, so I brought up marriage about 90 days ago, and I had stopped sexual intimacy about 8 months before that because I believe it is wrong anyway ,but I was having an even harder time with no marriage plans and still doing that, so I stopped but never told him why. He kept saying over past 90 days, "our communication sucks" and I kept thinking if you would just marry me, I would be emotionally and physically here but every night, around 10 pm, I would leave his house and he got tired of asking me to stay, he'd just say "stay" and I would say "good night, love you" and leave. WOWosh! I have been a terrible communicator because I was afraid of the answer.

These things come from our childhood sometimes, because in my home growing up we did not talk and share.

I am glad you went to therapy, it can work if you find the right one for your issues.