Not sure how to act if he shows up again?

[Yolanda123]

I broke up with my exBPbf 25 days ago (17 months r/s). Over the following weeks, he texted me a few times, last text I received 10 days ago (where he was saying he missed my company and my friendship (!) a lot). After that I blocked him on my cell so did not hear from him since. I’ve had 1 unknown caller on my home phone 5 days ago and I suspect that was him.

He lives two blocks away from my workplace and he has been showing up 3 times in the parking lot when I left work in the 2 weeks following the b/u. These 3 times he came to talk to me and a 4th time he texted me something that made me realize he was watching me leave work cause he said something about seeing one of my work colleague put something in her car.

I was on vacation for the last 10 days (my last day of work that I received his last text) so I did not have to worry about seeing him. Going back to work tomorrow, so after 10 days N/C I am nervous about leaving work tomorrow, I’m dreading he will be there, either watching me or coming to talk to me.

I feel guilty in a sense that I did not really make it clear to him that I wanted no contact the last time we talked, other than saying to him You can’t continue showing up like that, we’re not together anymore, it did not work out between us, we need to detach. He was acting a little weird these 3 times, alternating between telling me he was regretting not doing everything he could have for the r/s to work, that I was a great person, asking if I was seeing someone else, or putting blame on me for one thing or another, or just trying to chat like nothing happened. He looked lost and confused, almost like a child, and the last time he even asked if he could hug me. I first refused then he looked so lost that I said OK and gave him a quick hug and said bye take care. It made me sad to see him like this but at the same time it reinforced that I have made the best decision, seeing how his reaction to the b/u is so immature/unhealthy/BPD - not even considering how I am affected by this/just him blurting out how he feels about the r/s & b/u (feelings and thoughts that change constantly and contradict themselves). There's no way we can talk rationally or come to any closure. But I guess I feel bad that I should have been more direct expressing my desire of N/C, not just blocking him without any warning - it feels so unlike me to just ignore someone. Even if I know it's the best thing for ME.

Not sure how I am going to react if I see him – I’m still confused and working on detaching and going through intense sadness and missing him a lot, but still convinced that this r/s was toxic and would never work and that N/C is the best thing for me.  I’m just not sure how to act/what to say or not if he shows up again.

Any advice welcome ! thanks so much for the support here, I don't know how I would do without it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel guilty in a sense that I did not really make it clear to him that I wanted no contact the last time we talked, other than saying to him You can’t continue showing up like that, we’re not together anymore, it did not work out between us, we need to detach.

You could feel guilty but that's not really serving you moving forward, and what you did say seems pretty clear.  You could realize that you made a decision at the time that seemed right to you, you said what you said, now you're getting feedback on that decision with his behavior, so time to make a new decision.

He was acting a little weird these 3 times, alternating between telling me he was regretting not doing everything he could have for the r/s to work, that I was a great person, asking if I was seeing someone else, or putting blame on me for one thing or another, or just trying to chat like nothing happened. He looked lost and confused, almost like a child, and the last time he even asked if he could hug me. I first refused then he looked so lost that I said OK and gave him a quick hug and said bye take care. It made me sad to see him like this but at the same time it reinforced that I have made the best decision, seeing how his reaction to the b/u is so immature/unhealthy/BPD - not even considering how I am affected by this/just him blurting out how he feels about the r/s & b/u (feelings and thoughts that change constantly and contradict themselves).

Sounds like a triggered borderline feeling abandoned, with all the crazy that comes with it.

There's no way we can talk rationally or come to any closure.

No kidding, it's crazymaking and once we go from being the soother to the trigger the wheels come off entirely, and the best course is to create as much distance, physical and emotional, as possible.

But I guess I feel bad that I should have been more direct expressing my desire of N/C, not just blocking him without any warning - it feels so unlike me to just ignore someone. Even if I know it's the best thing for ME.

Not sure how I am going to react if I see him – I’m still confused and working on detaching and going through intense sadness and missing him a lot, but still convinced that this r/s was toxic and would never work and that N/C is the best thing for me.  I’m just not sure how to act/what to say or not if he shows up again.

Think attachments with borderlines, they're everything, and the standard wisdom here is to act bored, disinterested, a whatever attitude.  Any emotional display, even getting pissed off at him, will indicate to him an emotional attachment is still in place, which will encourage him to keep trying.  You sound a little fragile still, as we all are or were, and job 1 needs to be protecting yourself; a good way is to get extremely selfish, which probably feels unnatural, but put your needs above everything, which includes treating him in a way taht works, bored, unemotional.  It may seem like a cop out from having an honest, open heartfelt conversation and a search for closure, but it doesn't work that way with mental illness, best to just do what you need to do until you disappear off his radar and he goes running after the next shiny object.  Take care of you!

[Yolanda123]

Thank you so much fromheeltoheal for taking the time to answer. I will definitely keep your advice in mind if/when he shows up.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you so much fromheeltoheal for taking the time to answer. I will definitely keep your advice in mind if/when he shows up.

Good Yolanda.  So it's only been a few weeks; how are you doing today with letting the relationship go, processing the emotions and moving on?

[Yolanda123]

Thank you for your concern and interest.

I think after 3 weeks I’m doing not so bad…Educating myself,  learning about BPD (I actually ‘diagnosed’ my ex one week prior to the breakup – it was a reality check for me, an explanation for all the confusing and strange behaviors, the constant contradictions – how could someone who said he loved me so much and could not envision his life without me could also be so hesitant to commit and always question our relationship for things that ‘normal’ people just discuss and move on?) and coming here to post or just read posts is helping a lot, as I said before, but it REALLY helps me see the breakup as what it is: the only solution for MY well being and sanity. The emotional rollercoaster of the last few months of the relationship really took a toll on me. I know in my head that he has an illness and that nothing would change, and that it probably would just be getting worse and I can’t live like this, I know that.

On trying to align the emotions with that knowledge, I’m not there yet. Still confused and hurt. I had been single for a few years before I met him. I was hesitant to get into a r/s, I was cautious and wanting to take things slow in the first few months. But he won me over – he was so nice, sweet, funny, smart, demonstrative, sensitive and thoughtful. Everything I wanted in a life partner. There were red flags (some jealousy, insecurity, strange disproportionate reactions to small things), but I guess I chose to ignore them. He had me believe that he wanted a stable, long-term relationship, and that we were meant for each other. I let my guard down and thought I had finally met the perfect guy for me. There was a strong connection (or so I thought), a complicity, lots of fun and tenderness, he was caring and sweet, treated me like a princess and I felt loved for who I was. And then after about 10 months things started to change, but at this point I was totally in, I was invested in the r/s, and I loved him (or so I thought) so I went with the 7 months of progressive push/pull, gaslighting, extreme jealousy, recycles, confusion, pain and anxiety. Until he started in the last weeks of the r/s to act so bored, sarcastic, condescending and irritable towards me I felt like something was wrong with ME, and when I finally understood that he was BPD, it was the awakening I needed to end it. It clicked in my head that it would only get worse and that what I thought to be real love between me and him was all real on my side but all an illusion/illness on his.

So on an emotional level, I feel betrayed, angry, hurt, sad, hating him and missing him at the same time, feeling sorry for him, blaming myself at times for letting him get away with the extreme jealousy and suspicions, all the negative stuff he projected onto me, while I was supportive, reassuring and honest with him -  I let him get away with that, forgave the lies and the going through my cell phone and credit card bills, let him treat me in a way that I did not deserve to be treated.  And I suspect there have been more lies than I know of, more betrayal and probably cheating on top of everything. I blame myself for trusting him and letting my guard down. And I would love to stop trying to figure out if he ever loved me and is missing me in any way, and if he can on some level just maybe realize that HE did f…things up and hurt me like I’ve never been hurt before. He said to me a few times things like:  You deserve better, I have to go because I am protecting you, I know all that you’ve done for me, I know you did your best and I did not….but what parts of what he said and did was true and sincere, what parts were lies? I have no idea anymore. It’s as if the last 17 months of my life have been a huge lie, like he played with me and threw me away when I was of no more use to him.

So I’m mostly trying to go through the emotions as they come. And trying to be OK with the fact that I won’t be getting answers to most of my questions and coming to some peace with that - accepting that there will be no closure and that’s how it is. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes a bad day turns into a good one or vice versa... .But I feel like I'm progressing 

Sorry for the long post – it was actually therapeutic for me  I'm very grateful for this place where I can express what I feel and feel understood.

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh but there will be closure, great closure.  Your story sounds very typical, I could have written it about my relationship, insidious this disorder, mostly how a borderline, with their need to attach and since it's survival-based they get extremely good at it, gets their hooks in deep and touches us at our core.  A partnership between autonomous individuals isn't like that; the psychic fusing a borderline is after to make themselves whole inspires a mode and level of attachment that we haven't experienced before, or more accurately we probably have, that bond with our mother when we were tots, and it gets in deep, which is also why it hurts so much when it is withdrawn.  But that's also an opportunity.  The borderline is the borderline, they have a disorder they didn't choose to have and can't fix, and once we've left them it doesn't matter, we're left with the stuff we need to sort out, and the digging that is inspired by pain, and the resulting growth, can allow us to see ourselves and the world entirely differently, it depends what we do with it, but the resulting growth can be the best closure we've ever gotten.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if a borderline came into our lives when we needed them to because there were lessons it was time to learn and growth to do, on our way to a bright future we couldn't have imagined before?  That can be and is true, and it's natural to feel like it was all a lie and the time was all a waste, but not if we use it.  Keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other, and with time and distance more will become clear.  I know exactly what you mean by finding out about BPD and the lights coming on, suddenly everything made sense and leaving was no longer a choice but a necessity, and that's only the beginning, as we absorb the shock of how far down the rabbit whole we went in the whole ordeal and shift the focus from our ex to us and from the past to the future, a bright future of our own design that a new, improved us gets to live.  Keep posting and take care of you!

[Yolanda123]

Thank you FHTH - I always appreciate your feedback 

He did not show up this week, but he left a message on my home voicemail 3 days ago and I got another unknown caller the day after. I have to work on not letting this making me feel guilty about N/C and not being that clear to him about him, which makes me feel bad that I am ignoring him. I am doing it for me, and his feelings/emotions/conclusions are his to deal with. Working on that.

You are absolutely right, I want to believe that this has happened to me for a reason, that I have things to learn about myself and that I will be stronger and wiser, without losing what makes me who I am, a trusting and forgiving person. And the focus that will turn from my ex to me and my brighter future... .

I'm slowly getting there, one step at a time.

Take care too !