Fresh Out Of It

[Depression = 72% of members]

I last posted about 12 months ago. I had been trying to decide whether to stay in a relationship with my BPD partner or cut and run. She was out of the country and I had an opportunity to flee. Everyone was saying to run for the hills (good advice). I meditated on it for a month and decided to give her 12 more months to help her get on her feet so it wouldnt be so traumatic. Had I left last summer, it would have been really screwing up her world. She came from a rough place, but has potential to do a lot of great stuff, she just never was given a chance in life. I ultimately felt this was her chance and I should suck it up. I don't regret it. Right now she is standing on her own two feet and is seemingly happy... .and 500 miles away! I did right by her, and there is something to that, but never again will i devalue my time. a year is a long time to sacrifice for someone.

That being said, its great she's in a good place, but I'm now assessing if I'm in good place after all of the craziness and want to make sure I stay clear of future trouble with her. In 2 years, the police had to be involved 3x over her violence, so my safety was and is a big concern in navigating the split. Fortunately, she was offered a job a good distance away, I set her up there in an apt and then cut it off (Monday) when she started to work. I did my best to prepare her for the split so that it wasn't a total surprise. Previously (I would leave each time she would get violent) when we'd split she would be suicidal and bedridden. This time, given her new job, she seems to be in a good space. She took it fairly well and seems to be moving on. I guess I want to be aware of pitfalls and the optimal way to communicate as I'm aware this "high" feeling she has right now is likely temporary. Cutting her off completely seems to be the logical way to go, i guess i'm looking for feedback

I also want to say... .before she came back last summer. I was direct in addressing my issues with her and went to therapy (she refused therapy). She really did a lot better with her anger. I dont think it hurt that I had more awareness about her triggers. She used to rage once every few weeks and was extremely volatile. She only raged twice the entire year, markedly better and she was really trying... But her lying was absolutely nonstop. No matter if she'd be caught redhanded and the lie was plain as day, she has never ever once owned up to a lie, big or small. Men & money... .non stop lying. The depth, I'll never know, but it went on incessantly from the day I met her to the day she left.

Onwards to something healthier. Wishing you all the same.

Thanks

[confusedinny]

I last posted about 12 months ago. I had been trying to decide whether to stay in a relationship with my BPD partner or cut and run. She was out of the country and I had an opportunity to flee. Everyone was saying to run for the hills (good advice). I meditated on it for a month and decided to give her 12 more months to help her get on her feet so it wouldnt be so traumatic. Had I left last summer, it would have been really screwing up her world. She came from a rough place, but has potential to do a lot of great stuff, she just never was given a chance in life. I ultimately felt this was her chance and I should suck it up. I don't regret it. Right now she is standing on her own two feet and is seemingly happy... .and 500 miles away! I did right by her, and there is something to that, but never again will i devalue my time. a year is a long time to sacrifice for someone.

That being said, its great she's in a good place, but I'm now assessing if I'm in good place after all of the craziness and want to make sure I stay clear of future trouble with her. In 2 years, the police had to be involved 3x over her violence, so my safety was and is a big concern in navigating the split. Fortunately, she was offered a job a good distance away, I set her up there in an apt and then cut it off (Monday) when she started to work. I did my best to prepare her for the split so that it wasn't a total surprise. Previously (I would leave each time she would get violent) when we'd split she would be suicidal and bedridden. This time, given her new job, she seems to be in a good space. She took it fairly well and seems to be moving on. I guess I want to be aware of pitfalls and the optimal way to communicate as I'm aware this "high" feeling she has right now is likely temporary. Cutting her off completely seems to be the logical way to go, i guess i'm looking for feedback

I also want to say... .before she came back last summer. I was direct in addressing my issues with her and went to therapy (she refused therapy). She really did a lot better with her anger. I dont think it hurt that I had more awareness about her triggers. She used to rage once every few weeks and was extremely volatile. She only raged twice the entire year, markedly better and she was really trying... But her lying was absolutely nonstop. No matter if she'd be caught redhanded and the lie was plain as day, she has never ever once owned up to a lie, big or small. Men & money... .non stop lying. The depth, I'll never know, but it went on incessantly from the day I met her to the day she left.

Onwards to something healthier. Wishing you all the same.

Thanks

[introvert]

Often times the lies are what hurt the most. You desperately want them to own up to what the did/lied about but they will not. I had to show my BPDexgf proof that I knew about one of her many hookups. She gave me a half truth in return. "I felt so bad doing it. It was horrible sex and it will never happen again ect." It was sickening. Both you and I need to learn to respect ourselves and only give to those who truly deserve it and we know for a fact would reciprocate. For our own emotional health we must let history and facts guide us instead of words and promises. I wish you the best.

[Tim300]

confusedinny,

If it's safe for you to do so, I would just go NC, letting her know when she reaches out that you need some time apart.  You have done all you could do and more.  You cannot help this person.  Don't sacrifice any more of your life for this.  If you need to maintain minimal contact for some time solely to ensure your physical safety, do that.

[confusedinny]

thank you for the replies. i am going to go NC as of now. will likely need to vent here a bit longer. i feel relief to be done but a mixture of other strong emotions i haven't quite placed yet. though i made the conscious decision to stay in when i could have gotten out, it really felt like being a hostage. constantly afraid of what she might do so i assume it will take some time to untangle

... .on the lies, agreed, they were maddening. i'm still uncovering them. as i was cleaning out some things today i found a stack of western union receipts that turns out she had lied to me about who she was sending my money to. classic. one thing that she would do is file her correspondences with other men of stature and power. not sure why really, perhaps they were like trophies or something. so i stumbled across a file on one of my computers with her written messages and AUDIO messages with this politician. its a tearful break up... suicidal, full blown episode that sounds damn near identical to my break ups with her actually. i was in awe that she could carry on something at that level emotionally behind my back. anyways, i confronted her with the file and her explanation was to laugh at it and say "i cant believe you're falling for this, you're smarter than that". she vehemently denied it was her voice (it obviously was her) and claimed conspirators impersonated her and emailed the file to the computer somehow because theyre always trying to bring people like politicians and her down. she stood by that as her defense. it sounds paranoid on her part, but it wasn't really like that. it was just a horrible lie and all she could come up with to refute it as it was really irrefutable. but instead of just owning the obvious, she chose to stand by the absurd. i faced that type of lie repeatedly and it drove me nuts. i always felt like whatever happened to her in her past was so bad, that she simply maxxed out her threshold to handle doing something bad. her cup was full of bad stuff, can't accept any more. not sure if thats true, but that perspective might have helped keep me in the game for her

thanks again for any feedback and healthy reciprocated love to us all

[rotiroti]

thank you for the replies. i am going to go NC as of now. will likely need to vent here a bit longer. i feel relief to be done but a mixture of other strong emotions i haven't quite placed yet. though i made the conscious decision to stay in when i could have gotten out, it really felt like being a hostage. constantly afraid of what she might do so i assume it will take some time to untangle

... .on the lies, agreed, they were maddening. i'm still uncovering them. as i was cleaning out some things today i found a stack of western union receipts that turns out she had lied to me about who she was sending my money to. classic. one thing that she would do is file her correspondences with other men of stature and power. not sure why really, perhaps they were like trophies or something. so i stumbled across a file on one of my computers with her written messages and AUDIO messages with this politician. its a tearful break up... suicidal, full blown episode that sounds damn near identical to my break ups with her actually. i was in awe that she could carry on something at that level emotionally behind my back. anyways, i confronted her with the file and her explanation was to laugh at it and say "i cant believe you're falling for this, you're smarter than that". she vehemently denied it was her voice (it obviously was her) and claimed conspirators impersonated her and emailed the file to the computer somehow because theyre always trying to bring people like politicians and her down. she stood by that as her defense. it sounds paranoid on her part, but it wasn't really like that. it was just a horrible lie and all she could come up with to refute it as it was really irrefutable. but instead of just owning the obvious, she chose to stand by the absurd. i faced that type of lie repeatedly and it drove me nuts. i always felt like whatever happened to her in her past was so bad, that she simply maxxed out her threshold to handle doing something bad. her cup was full of bad stuff, can't accept any more. not sure if thats true, but that perspective might have helped keep me in the game for her

thanks again for any feedback and healthy reciprocated love to us all

Wow. I have no idea what to say! You know it's funny, my BPDex would deny factual things such as a light being out in the home... .to a point where I was actually convinced I was hallucinating.