Those who've been through a divorce with a BPD, please advice

[still_in_shock]

My uBPD stbxh was desperately counting days to get him to the 6 mo separation requirement to file for a divorce. June is the 6th month since we've separated, and I was expecting to be served the very first week of it. So desperate he seemed when he was dumping me and pushing out of our place.

We have been absolutely NC for 5 months (since January 2015) when I broke it in May with a text to tell him he was one godless person. It was my 8-month delayed reaction to his flirting with some girl when he was trashing me to her. Anyway, in response to that 2 word text of mine, he sent a formal email in a legal terminology to stop harassing and stalking on him. I did send another email telling him who I think he was, and have blocked him after that on one of my emails.

I then needed to contact him again via email on a business matter and that is to confirm he'd be forwarding me the refunds that the insurance company would be mailing to his address. To which he never responded. I asked his mom to forward him the email, which she did, but he did not react again.

These days I am quite busy taking care of another aspect of the marriage dissolution, and do not have time or energy left to be taking care of the divorce myself. I think he isn't serving me as he is afraid I would contest asking for spousal support and/or just letting the separation hit the 1 year term when the marriage basically is considered dissolved without formal proceedings.

I choose to take care of my immigration matters first, and if I don't get served by him by the end of it, I'll probably file on my own.

Am I choosing the right approach? What should I be aware of if I choose to just wait and see what happens? Should I be more proactive instead?

What would be your general recommendation?

Thank you

[gomez_addams]

My advice is to consult with a few lawyers.

You can call around and see which ones do a free phone consultation.  I got plenty of advice in the initial stages by doing this.

One problem with advice online about divorce is that every state is different... .so someone who might have been in a similar situation might have been in a different state with different rules.

Gomez

[ForeverDad]

If immigration issues are involved, then you should also have consultations with lawyer(s) qualified to provide legal advice for the immigration and marriage issues that might arise.

Generally it is best to be proactive and have a solid strategy.  The legal advice you receive ought to help you do decide what YOU should or shouldn't do.  Who knows what he might do or not do or delay doing.  It is probably best to determine what implications the various scenarios have and YOU do what you can to choose one of the better paths for you.  If you sit back and let him make the choices, then be fully aware he may try to force you into an undersirable outcome.

Sadly, though it may be emotionally gratifying to you to tell him what you think of your stbEx - and we don't doubt it is true - it doesn't do anything productive for the legal process.  In this case, he responded by claiming harassment and stalking.  Of course it is ridiculous but the problem is that those are hugely serious legal claims if pursued.  Walk carefully from now on.  Keep it all businesslike, as though you were unwinding a business relationship.  Don't let him tempt you into normal reactions and saying, writing or doing something that he could use against you.

[still_in_shock]

What you've said below must be one of the best advices I've heard in my case. You are so right. I am sure he will use it against me, as he's probably already forwarded that info to his lawyer.

When he started painting me black and basically wanted to get out of the relationship, to have some justification to his family and others (to who he not so long ago was worshipping me), he went to the therapist (not allowing me to join him) and has been trashing me to her for several sessions and did the same with a lawyer claiming I am an abusive wife. He then told his mom and friends he's been leaving me based on both the therapist's and lawyer's recommendation, as he's been abused by me... So he is painting me as who he was himself in this marriage. And he started doing it, the very moment I've brought up the discussion he's been mistreating and emotionally abusing me. I lived sucking it in for awhile, but once he's crossed the line too far and I stood up for myself, that's the turn he took. To protect himself from possible legal impact of his abusive behavior, he's started the smear campaign against me using the very same subject.

Sadly, though it may be emotionally gratifying to you to tell him what you think of your stbEx - and we don't doubt it is true - it doesn't do anything productive for the legal process.  In this case, he responded by claiming harassment and stalking.  Of course it is ridiculous but the problem is that those are hugely serious legal claims if pursued.  Walk carefully from now on.  Keep it all businesslike, as though you were unwinding a business relationship.  Don't let him tempt you into normal reactions and saying, writing or doing something that he could use against you.

[still_in_shock]

see below

[still_in_shock]

What I don't understand about his behavior is:

He's delinked me as his wife and removed his marital status on FB yet when we lived together. Same time, he removed and blocked me from his LinkedIn account. He hasn't responded to my formal email re health insurance, that followed that previous one of mine when I told him he was an ass (I haven't literally said a single strong bad word, but the overall email implied it).

6 months NC whatsoever from him (and I know he's been having a greta life, living in a frat house, starting grad school, socializing too much, dating slutty girls, etc), and I  got a notification that someone is trying to hack my FB account.

He's not into Instagram at all, and only signed up when we were dating and following each others picture postings. So his public account was abandoned for 2 years after we've married. I've checked if he blocked me there as well back when we separated, he didn't as he never used it. So yesterday, I saw the number of my followers has reduced, I went down the list and realized he's unfollowed me and also removed me from his followers and made his account private. So the person made an effort to go back to the source that was once connecting us (which he's never used for a very long time that it was even full of junk advertising) and removed from there.

What such behavior might mean? If he didn't give a crap about my existence any longer (which I was sure he did), he wouldn't bother sitting there trying to hack my account, or going back to the account he's abandoned and wasn't using to just remove me from there.

But if to think he's curious about my life developments if he wants to hack my FB account), why would he unfollow my Instagram page where I'm quite active posting pictures of my life.

[NewWays]

I'm sorry about what you are going through.

FoeverDad points out some important facts that we all needed to learn about how we respond and what that behavior can cause in our PBD partner.

Now after being divorced from my dBPD spouse going on two years, I just got a $975 EOB from BCBS for a claim she file on our old joint coverage policy.

This is from a woman who cancelled me off of her insurance plans when divorce proceedings began even though that is not allowed in the state where we lived.

You need to expect the unexpected and as ForeverDad outlined... .do not give him any behavior that he could twist to use against you.

Best to you as you navigate your path down the road.

NewWays