After filing for divorce, was it long before you knew you did the right thing?

[jedimaster]

I left 5 days after our 34th anniversary.  I spent the first six weeks at my parents' home, sleeping like a baby every night.  I now have my own place, just me (kids are all adults; two live with her but they're OK).  I wake up a lot of mornings and realize I'm smiling for no reason.  Oh, wait.  I do have a reason; I'm happy.  I have never, not one time in all these months, had a moment of loneliness or wishing I could go back. Some nights I just sit and read or meditate and listen to nothing.  No radio; no TV; no criticism; no chaos, no insults; no demands.  Of course that is on the nights when I'm not out with friends, trying a new restaurant, cooking something only I would like, treating myself to a movie, or training for the half-marathon I never got to do because she undermined our "joint" training and raged at me for trying to do it on my own. 

I had a routine colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago.  My BP was 116/66.  My resting pulse was 47.  I was asleep before they started the anesthesia.  Stressed? Not any more.   

*** Update ***  Been a while since I posted, but I had to report.  This past Friday and Saturday were two events that had been a long time coming.  One, the attempt at mediation, went about as expected.  After two hours of trying to negotiate with a brick wall, we threw in the towel and went home.  There were a total of five people involved:  me, my L, the mediator, my uBPDstbexw, and her L.  By the time the first offer and counter-offer went across the hall, four of us knew the fifth one was crazy.    But as I say, not unexpected and I'll be calling my L this week to file a contested divorce.

Now for the good news-- After almost two years and two attempts, I finally completed my first half marathon!  Amazing how much easier it was with no one working full out to destroy my self-confidence.  A number of people know the story about the emotional abuse I received during the first attempt, and my FB page blew up with congrats after it was over. 

There IS life after BPD.  It may not be what we envisioned for ourselves, but it is life, and it is good.  I would love nothing more than to settle this divorce and move on, but I'm doing things I've always wanted to do, I am surrounded with amazing and genuine friends, I have a comfortable place to live with NO drama, I am restoring my faith and becoming more spiritually grounded.  Mostly, I am HAPPY.  She can drag this divorce out until she drops dead from old age if she chooses, but she can never again steal one bit of happiness from my soul.  Her power over me is gone, and that is all that matters.  Good luck to everyone on here and I hope and pray you all find the same success.

[whirlpoollife]

Congratulations on your marathon, jedimaster! 

That's a great accomplishment !

I too relish the peace I have without my xh near me.  I can write a page on it.  Some freedoms so  many take for granted in normal r/s.  I still like that I can sit with out being referred to as lazy.

In my state , you have to wait two years before it's an uncontested divorce and one can be divorced , but the financial part ,till  settlement,  can  continue indefinitely. ( so I ask what's the point in waiting for the two year mark).   Plan like you are to have a contested divorce. Start now.   Get a date for a trial but expect delays from your x2bw.

workinprogress, I felt the same as many, wish I did it sooner.  But I was scared of the vidication from xh is why I didn't do it sooner. It was at the point of do it or die.

I too knew I should of not married him.  I stayed 27 years.   . The divorce process was hellish.

I knew right away it was the right decision but the more time goes on the more I know it was the best decision. 

[jedimaster]

I still like that I can sit with out being referred to as lazy.

YES! She literally wanted me to work 24/7.  Suggested I get a night job (to go with my full time day job AND maintaining the mini-farm she abandoned) so she would have more money.  She never could explain when I would sleep, just told me if I "had more drive and ambition I could do more with my talent."    I won't go into it but suffice to say I am considered an expert in my field of work.

Thanks for the congrats.  If I ever get up off my lazy a--, I might get around to doing another one.    I might add that she has run exactly one 5K since the separation, while the "lazy one" has done several, plus a 10K and now a half.  

In our state, if two parties can agree on terms out of court, they can draw up an uncontested divorce and file it with with the court, and if there are no issues after 30 days the judge will sign and it becomes final.  If the parties cannot agree, one or the other must file a complaint with the court for a contested divorce, and it can take as much as a year for it to come up on the docket, even if there are no delays.  If there are no minor children (ours are grown) and no extreme circumstances, then the judge decides what to do with the property and signs off on the divorce.  The main issue in our case is we both lose all control over division of assets.  That's annoying but not overly upsetting to me; my freedom is worth more than anything I own.  

I hope that like many pwBPD, she will become more willing to settle as the court date nears, but if not, I have managed to build a life I can enjoy for as long as it takes to get through this.  

[momtara]

Haven't read the discussions, but there are days I still wonder. Everyone's situation is unique. My ex typically goes 3 weeks being wonderful, then has a meltdown about once a month that makes me realize I had to get away. We was manipulative and controlling and many other things. But I do see the other side of him and I miss that part, and being a single mother when everyone else has spouses helping them is HARD. And I see people on here whose exes are much worse than mine.

We tend to get conflicting advice. Of course no one should allow themselves to be abused. But it's a hard world to be alone in (and divorce is expensive) and sometimes the abuse from the real world can be pretty bad too, ya know?

I think I did the right thing, but it wasn't an easy thing.

I'm a woman with children so both of those factors may make my situation different from men leaving women, and people with young or old kids, etc. It's never easy. I suggest spending a lot of time thinking about it.

[Stylianos]

undoubtedly the best most healthy decision i have made in years.  My process moved in stages - from recognizing something was wrong; to trying to work within the confines of the diagnosis and "gut it out"; then a period of Paralysis by analysis (working over in my mind is this the right decision for me and for the kids and ultimately for her); then finally the decision to act.  Once i acted on what i knew to be true a lot of things that were murky for me began to clear. 

Note however that decision to act is a long one and most likely needs to be to prepare for the endgame.  Its not a fun place to be as it involves secrecy, planning, preparation, and more planning.  Once said ducks were lined up - i moved forward with everything i could muster.  I was fortunate that she was of the low-functioning variety (most likley due to miserable years of hard work enabling and assuming near every responsibiity in the household). 

The first night when i knew i didnt have to sleep behind a locked door was amazingly peaceful.  I knew i had made the right decisions.

Good luck.

S