Will he be unfaithful

[jhkbuzz]

And I am a year post b/u, by the way.

[Sadly]

Congratulations.   . Thank you and Samuel S   I am so tired now, I have to stop. xx

[Lucky Jim]

I am a disgusting useless excuse for a human being.

Hey Sadly, I suspect that, if you are like the old me, you think on some level that you deserve to be treated poorly.  Not so.  A big part of my recovery is learning to love and accept myself, just the way I am, which sounds easy but is actually a lot of work.  The goal is to get to the place where you care too much about yourself to allow yourself to remain in an abusive situation.  Before you get there, however, I suggest that you need to accept yourself, with all your flaws and shortcomings.  You're human, and so am I.  We've all made mistakes.  The idea is to grow from them.

LuckyJim

[Sadly]

Well, its been two days now, am I ready to move to L3? I have discovered something that so far is working. Yes, it's not pleasant but if I can maintain it for long enough I hope it will be my passage out. I AM ANGRY with him. Really ANGRY.  He said something to me which took my breath away and I threw him out of my home. He has sent messages I have never had from him before. "I am sorry" " I am so so sorry" They do not touch me. Yes I cry every now and then but not much. Tonight I wrote notes to him on my phone. I will never send them but it made me feel better. This is what I wrote. I have to be cold and angry. I have to remain angry for now. I disintegrate if I am not angry. I can't allow myself to do that any more. You have made a fool out of me, mocked my feelings and p*ssed on my memories. Now I wish I didn't have any memories. I wish I had never met you. I am a nice person. I am a good, kind and gentle person. I know this and the people that love me know this. Deep down so do you. I am the person you first knew. You are fortunate to have been loved by me. I pity you. If anyone believes in god then please pray for me to stay strong. 

[jhkbuzz]

Well, its been two days now, am I ready to move to L3? I have discovered something that so far is working. Yes, it's not pleasant but if I can maintain it for long enough I hope it will be my passage out. I AM ANGRY with him. Really ANGRY.  He said something to me which took my breath away and I threw him out of my home. He has sent messages I have never had from him before. "I am sorry" " I am so so sorry" They do not touch me. Yes I cry every now and then but not much. Tonight I wrote notes to him on my phone. I will never send them but it made me feel better. This is what I wrote. I have to be cold and angry. I have to remain angry for now. I disintegrate if I am not angry. I can't allow myself to do that any more. You have made a fool out of me, mocked my feelings and p*ssed on my memories. Now I wish I didn't have any memories. I wish I had never met you. I am a nice person. I am a good, kind and gentle person. I know this and the people that love me know this. Deep down so do you. I am the person you first knew. You are fortunate to have been loved by me. I pity you. If anyone believes in god then please pray for me to stay strong.  

Anger, like all emotions, can have a positive purpose. Good for you! Stay angry if that's what you need to stay strong - it's a righteous anger. You deserve much, much better!

[Sadly]

Thank you. Well, I have woken up this morning from a good nights sleep and you cannot imagine my relief to realise I feel exactly the same as when I went to bed. I know that deep inside me there is a huge knot of love and unhappiness but if my anger keeps me where I am for now and time passes then I will gain the strength to deal with that knot later.   

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I guess what I'm saying is, don't be fooled by the impressions that a pwBPD makes on others, because the reality is often quite different.

So true! My friend told me in April that seeing my ex and I together made her feel like one day she could actually find true love, because it obviously was real.

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you. Well, I have woken up this morning from a good nights sleep and you cannot imagine my relief to realise I feel exactly the same as when I went to bed. I know that deep inside me there is a huge knot of love and unhappiness but if my anger keeps me where I am for now and time passes then I will gain the strength to deal with that knot later.   

Exactly - there is work to do, but that's for later. Right now you need to keep yourself emotionally safe and distance yourself from his abusive behavior by whatever means necessary. Your anger is helping you do that.

Do you live with him?

Be aware, as you continue no contact, that you may experiences an "extinction burst" from him - I think you're already experiencing it.  It is where someone pulls out all the stops to remain in your life when you've decided that you've had enough - phone calls, texts, flowers, words you want to hear - it can take all forms.

Stay strong. You deserve love and compassion from a life partner.

And keep us updated about how you're doing. 

[Sadly]

Hi

we don't live together and yet we do. Our homes are across the street from each other although I have to say we have spent a lot more time living in mine than his. It makes it very difficult not to see each other too. I rent my home whereas he has just recently bought his. I am now looking to move away but it is all so hard. I am still angry which is good but had a horrific burst of sadness when I saw his car and house when I came back from shopping just now. My little cat has been looking for him, they loved each other and she curls up in his seat. I am crying again right now and have that lost loneliness feeling again but I know I have to keep angry right now. I will get through this. I think he is/was sorry, he has shown that he can feel this but not in words before. However it wont take long for him to get angry or distant when I don't reply or respond. Strange how we always want to react, to see if they are suddenly cured of this illness, if a miracle has happened, when in reality it doesn't happen. It's that hope thing I guess? Another strange thing is that he can see when he has hurt me badly, not always but sometimes, and even though mostly he thinks its my own fault really I can see part of him acknowledges it's him. Then he looks at me with pity in his eyes, that's worse than anything to be pitied. All such a mess. xx

[jhkbuzz]

Hi

we don't live together and yet we do. Our homes are across the street from each other although I have to say we have spent a lot more time living in mine than his. It makes it very difficult not to see each other too. I rent my home whereas he has just recently bought his. I am now looking to move away but it is all so hard. I am still angry which is good but had a horrific burst of sadness when I saw his car and house when I came back from shopping just now. My little cat has been looking for him, they loved each other and she curls up in his seat. I am crying again right now and have that lost loneliness feeling again but I know I have to keep angry right now. I will get through this. I think he is/was sorry, he has shown that he can feel this but not in words before. However it wont take long for him to get angry or distant when I don't reply or respond. Strange how we always want to react, to see if they are suddenly cured of this illness, if a miracle has happened, when in reality it doesn't happen. It's that hope thing I guess? Another strange thing is that he can see when he has hurt me badly, not always but sometimes, and even though mostly he thinks its my own fault really I can see part of him acknowledges it's him. Then he looks at me with pity in his eyes, that's worse than anything to be pitied. All such a mess. xx

The process of moving WILL be hard for you, but it will remove the contant reminders - the "emotional triggers" - of seeing him across the street.  That would be a huge step forward for you.

Strange how we always want to react, to see if they are suddenly cured of this illness, if a miracle has happened, when in reality it doesn't happen. It's that hope thing I guess?

Yes, it's referred to as "malignant hope" on these boards: a hope for the miraculous "cure", or the other side of the coin: the fear that if we exit the r/s our s/o will somehow be healthy and whole with their next romantic partner. We stay in emotionally abusive relationships because of these hopes and fears.

Malignant hope keeps us stuck. I know it kept me stuck. I kept focusing on all her 'potential' rather than the reality of the situation I was in. And the reality was that, due to her dissociative tendencies and her BPD, she was emotionally immature, a chronic liar, and repeatedly unfaithful.