Introduction: Her Sister-In-Law

[HerSIL]

So glad to have found BPD Family!

My brother has been married to pwBPD for over a decade. Seven months ago, she deliberately tripped a breakup and filed.

He is struggling. While he now realizes she is classic BPD and would love getting out, they have three children under 10. He believes that, if he stays as long as possible, the kids will have a better chance. (Not surprisingly, she is an incompetent parent.) (He is fighting for full custody.)

I would value real-life experience in similar circumstances. Is he better off:

- Getting out sooner and beginning his own healing (plus modeling that choice for the kids)

or

- Using his state's divorce waiting period (about 3 years max) before finalizing divorce?

thanks for your thoughts!

[Kwamina]

Hi HerSIL

Welcome to bpdfamily

Every situation is different and so is every person with BPD so it's difficult to just say what the best course of action is. There are people with BPD who have managed to improve their behavior, but for this to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges that their might be something wrong with his/her behavior and fully commits to working on his/her issues. Do you feel like your SIL has ever in any way acknowledged that their might be something wrong with her? Has she ever gotten any treatment or therapy for her issues?

Your brother now realizes she is classic BPD. Has she been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or any other disorder?

No matter what your brother decides to do, no matter how he decides to move forward, I think it's crucial that he is firm in setting and enforcing boundaries with her to protect the well-being of him and his children. Do you feel like he is comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with her?

[HerSIL]

Thank you so much for the warm welcome!

SIL has never (in 11 years of marriage) taken responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever her fault, nor does she have any flaws. So he doubts there is capacity for self-awareness or getting help. (They have visited a therapist together. He continued with the therapist solo. She refused to do that because everything wrong in the marriage was his fault.)

He's getting better at setting limits quickly. I'm coming around to his spending the next 30 months or so in the home (delaying divorce as long as legally possible). And I'm urging him to make new friends, start new activities that rejuvenate him.

This site has been amazing - just browsing the boards and reading stories gives me insights and hopes. Thanks again for the welcome!