Big feeling here is inadequacy, because they deceived me

[disorderedsociety]

So I randomly get a chat message on Steam (a PC gaming software client) from someone with a random profile name saying "small cucumber up (ex's name)'s ass" followed by "nvm I thought you were ___, who the f*** are you?" *offline*

So I decide to dig and see if its my replacement's profile and its not; I know his online moniker because we were acquainted. Weird that I'd get a message with my ex's name in it mentioning something that would piss me off.

Now it seems my ex has made a profile, hardly plays any games but I suppose this is part of the mirroring thing isn't it? The replacement is heavy into PC gaming and she never was until she got with him.

So the big feeling here is inadequacy, because they deceived me in the process of me leaving her -> her getting with him. So not only do I feel like a fool because of it, I feel like they've "won" and that I'm simply incapable of finding a decent partner.

Now its maybe even more strange to think that life kind of sent me a random messenger to reawaken those feelings to embrace them and let them pass. Maybe... .who knows.

[Vatz]

Wait, let me try to get this straight.

You left her. As in you're the one who broke up with her. But in that time she was getting with this other guy?

Is this correct?

[disorderedsociety]

Wait, let me try to get this straight.

You left her. As in you're the one who broke up with her. But in that time she was getting with this other guy?

Is this correct?

Yes. The day I told her over the phone that I was done (this was after I physically left but she was still seeing me,) she made plans with him. In fact, they were chatting right before too. Earlier that day she sent both of us identical messages about needing someone to fix her phone (which was a simple button press fix.)

[joeramabeme]

I feel like a fool because of it, I feel like they've "won" and that I'm simply incapable of finding a decent partner.



You know in your heart that this is not true, but in your mind, things can get pretty confusing and make us feel like something that is false is true. 

Is is so surprising how crazy we ourselves end up feeling after being exposed to someone with untreated BPD traits.

[disorderedsociety]

I feel like a fool because of it, I feel like they've "won" and that I'm simply incapable of finding a decent partner.



You know in your heart that this is not true, but in your mind, things can get pretty confusing and make us feel like something that is false is true. 

Is is so surprising how crazy we ourselves end up feeling after being exposed to someone with untreated BPD traits.

For real. We also tend to remember only the good things afterward.

Personally, I didn't realize just how much I'd adopted her traits until I left. I felt asocial and spiteful to name a couple. I guess they never really consider that their life situations are of their making. Still wrapping my head around this crap and its been 6 months.

[once removed]

i was not a leaver, per se, i was left. i was also replaced very very quickly. its easy for me to see where a leaver who is replaced would have all kinds of feelings of doubt about themselves, and i think i dealt with some of them. you did what was healthy for you; it isnt a contest.

can you elaborate on the deception and why/what you think they won?

im also sorry this incident happened and reopened the wounds, i think id be pretty freaked out by it.

[disorderedsociety]

i was not a leaver, per se, i was left. i was also replaced very very quickly. its easy for me to see where a leaver who is replaced would have all kinds of feelings of doubt about themselves, and i think i dealt with some of them. you did what was healthy for you; it isnt a contest.

can you elaborate on the deception and why/what you think they won?

im also sorry this incident happened and reopened the wounds, i think id be pretty freaked out by it.

Deception mostly on his part, taking advantage of the situation while denying anything was gonna happen.

I suppose my mind likes to tell me they won the advantages of a relationship and I lost it.

By the way, how messed up would you have to be to send something just to hurt another person? I guess as messed up as a borderline. Perhaps he buys into the anti-ex propaganda she uses.

[once removed]

just wanted to understand a bit better before i reply more in depth:

was he a friend of yours? you mention you were acquainted. do you feel he was indeed the person who sent the message?

[disorderedsociety]

just wanted to understand a bit better before i reply more in depth:

was he a friend of yours? you mention you were acquainted. do you feel he was indeed the person who sent the message?

Sort of. I thought we got along and in the short time we hung out everything seemed cool.

I'm not entirely sure but what are the chances of getting a message like that with her name from a stranger on accident? If it was him, he used someone else's profile, probably younger brother's.

[Vatz]

Either way you look at it, it's over.

I wouldn't worry about feeling inadequate. I mean sure it's good to examine where your actual weak-points were but that's something you probably won't be able to do until you're no longer distressed. Otherwise all the mixed up emotions and thoughts will have you saying all sorts of awful things about yourself while idealizing your ex.

My ex cheated with someone I got acquainted with. It was her old friend from high school who she didn't see for years, some guy that basically used to stalk her. We all met and yeah, I thought we all hit it off.

But then he started texting her about how jealous he was of us, and how it pains him to see her happy with me. I happened to catch a glimpse of his texts. Basically he was trying to say "I can't hang out with you because I still have feelings, and seeing you and your boyfriend of 4 years, blah blah blah." What did she decide to do? Hang out with him, but not have me tag along because "that would be awkward." She didn't have many friends, and I guess the whole "I cant stay" bit triggered her. Either that or she was looking for some side-action from the start.

This sort of stuff, even if your cool with some guys, that won't stop them when they see an opportunity. It happens all the time, it's part of life. It's natural behavior. The only one to be mad at isn't the guy trying to get with your girl, it's your girl who's letting him. She's the one who isn't shutting that down, so obviously she's cool with it. The question then becomes are you cool with it?

Well, apparently you weren't, and you broke up with her. You walked away with your dignity intact.

At this point, what she does is really of no consequence to you. NC is the best policy.

[once removed]

its hard to say. you do mention the person said never mind i thought you were ____. but it would still be an odd coincidence.

about the advantages/loss feeling:

hard for me to say what his motivation was for what he did. easy for me to say it was probably not fully thought out. i was a rebound and i justified it rather easily to the extent i even realized/acknowledged it. funny enough, i wondered how my replacement couldnt see it himself. maybe this guy overlooked some red flags. maybe he was overcome with selfishness. maybe he bought in to a version told to him. regardless, it doesnt sound like he was sensitive to you at all, and i understand how lousy that can feel.

i will point out that if she has BPD, it has not evaporated. i will point out that you chose to leave for a reason. you were unhappy/unsatisfied. thats a valid and healthy reason to exit a relationship. that doesnt mean by entering another relationship that someone wins or loses.

still, i understand the feelings of inadequacy. i think its somewhat natural; these experiences can be surreal and cause us a great deal of self doubt. i imagine if id been the one to leave, and then been replaced, i would have full of such doubt, and possibly even acted on it. fortunately, feelings of inadequacy are something you can really dig into and address, productively.

are you doing things in your life to improve self esteem and confidence? they will go a very long way.

[disorderedsociety]

its hard to say. you do mention the person said never mind i thought you were ____. but it would still be an odd coincidence.

about the advantages/loss feeling:

hard for me to say what his motivation was for what he did. easy for me to say it was probably not fully thought out. i was a rebound and i justified it rather easily to the extent i even realized/acknowledged it. funny enough, i wondered how my replacement couldnt see it himself. maybe this guy overlooked some red flags. maybe he was overcome with selfishness. maybe he bought in to a version told to him. regardless, it doesnt sound like he was sensitive to you at all, and i understand how lousy that can feel.

i will point out that if she has BPD, it has not evaporated. i will point out that you chose to leave for a reason. you were unhappy/unsatisfied. thats a valid and healthy reason to exit a relationship. that doesnt mean by entering another relationship that someone wins or loses.

still, i understand the feelings of inadequacy. i think its somewhat natural; these experiences can be surreal and cause us a great deal of self doubt. i imagine if id been the one to leave, and then been replaced, i would have full of such doubt, and possibly even acted on it. fortunately, feelings of inadequacy are something you can really dig into and address, productively.

are you doing things in your life to improve self esteem and confidence? they will go a very long way.

Thanks for following up! What you're saying really resonates and I understand how easy it would be for any guy to fall into that trap. I don't know the nature of that guy's issues specifically but I know he was abused emotionally growing up so it makes sense.

As far as self-esteem building, I'm learning how to balance my needs at work with the rest of my team and learning how to work on motorcycles. Pretty fun stuff. I have an idea of what I want to do for a career which is also exciting.

[once removed]

youre right, its very easy to fall into. im glad what i said resonates, and i can also see how an emotionally abusive childhood might play a role. after all, many members here grew up in similar situations.

i think those are perfect examples of rebuilding self esteem, and im excited for you  . when our self esteem is wounded, its very easy to compare ourselves unfavorably to others, which only reinforces our feelings. the kinds of things youre doing really help repair those wounds, and before you know it, the comparisons stop both ways, and looking back/beating ourselves up no longer even makes sense to us. its the way to freedom .

youre really on the right track and building a great foundation. in time, as these things become more routine, it will be even easier to build on them, you, and your life