BPD like a family heirloom for us.

[Klo]

I believe it started with my great grandmother, on my mother's side. Nobody ever knew anything about her parents (my would-be great-great-grandparents), but the vibe I felt from conversations about them was that my great-grandmother was abandoned and/or rejected in some way by her own parent(s), and that she lived a chaotic, unstable life starting in very young adulthood. This included many affairs and constant traveling.

One affair resulted in my maternal grandmother. Based on the stories I have heard from herself and others, she grew up without a father and with a mother was never seemed to be there for her. My grandmother was also abused by some of her mother's boyfriends while she was growing up. When she became a mother (to my mother), her parenting style towards my mother was pretty terrible. Everything was always in extremes, and there was no regard for my mother's sense of self.

Then my mother grew up and had me (as well as my brother later on). My mother has always displayed strong BPD traits, sometimes mind-blowingly strong, and she is basically like a carbon copy of her own mother (my grandmother) in her dysfunctions. She also allowed me to be abused by her first husband and has always switched back and forth between extremely engulfing and controlling, and vindictive, passive-aggressive and neglecting/rejecting. Most of the time I haven't even been able to figure out what would trigger the shifts.

And now there is me, an adult in my 20s, and I have several BPD traits myself when I try to form close bonds with people. I have decided to stay single and not have any children (although I do have a dog, which helps me a lot emotionally in many ways, since I can pamper him and he doesn't threaten me emotionally, he is a major boon in my life all-around). But no relationship and no children for me. I feel like this is the only sure way to stop the cycle. And I am okay with it, I do not feel sorry for myself. I also have bipolar disorder and take medication that also helps a lot with the BPD issues, too. So I feel content and alright with my life. I am happy to be a bit introverted and trek through life with my dog as my friend.

I guess I just wanted to share all this for some reason. I feel like a big part of my on-going healing has included tracing and recognizing the dysfunction in my family tree. It has helped me to forgive my mother in the sense of letting go of anger, as well as forgiving myself, since the same rules should apply to everyone. Just that in and of itself as far as applying the same rules to everyone including me as helped me heal, seeing how we have all been victims of some mysterious origin, maybe my great-great-great grandparents but who knows.

It is still an on-going process with healing and learning new ways of coping. I am hoping to someday join some DBT group classes, but for now I just have medication to help me out with mood and intrusive thought issues. Not even really sure where I was heading for with all this, just wanted to share, I guess.

[Kwamina]

Hi Klo

Thanks for this insightful first post! Welcome to bpdfamily

You've made a thorough analysis of your family history and have been able to identify at least some of the likely roots of the dysfunction. I am happy this has helped you in your healing process. You have been through a lot, not only the abuse from your mother but also from her first husband. I am very sorry you experienced this. Being abused by one's own parent is very hard to deal with for a child.

You are committed to breaking the cycle of abuse and dysfunction which is very commendable. You mention having several BPD traits yourself. What would you say are the most significant BPD traits you are able to identify in yourself?

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives with BPD(-like) traits. Sometimes they have BPD too but other times it's more a manifestation of unhealthy behaviors we learned from our parents or certain coping mechanisms we developed during our childhood that might not serve us so well anymore now that we are adults. Fortunately these learned behaviors and/or coping mechanisms can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work, for instance through therapy and also through the soul searching and self-analysis you've been doing. When you look at yourself, can you identify certain unhealthy behaviors you might have learned from your mother? Can you perhaps also identify certain coping mechanisms you developed as a child that might not serve you so well in your adult life?

Take care

[Klo]

Well, I tend to be rather avoidant when it comes to forming bonds with other people. I am usually nervous that other people secretly hate me or are plotting to harm me in some way. I struggle with social anxiety and paranoia. I have a hard time believing that people say what they really mean, and people being nice to me in person feels like a trap to me, like the nicer someone is, the scarier they are, because I feel like it is some sort of trap. However I am human and I do get lonely, too. So I can sometimes find myself doing the push-pull dance, because I want close relationships but also fear them at the same time.

I also tend to be manipulative in the sense of trying to figure out what people want from me and trying to appease them. I just feel very nervous and mistrusting of most people, so I have a sort of mask/persona that I try to change for whoever I am around in the hopes that I won't be targeted in some way. But then I also struggle with feeling resentful, because of feeling like I have to act all the time and like people just use me and don't really care for me. But then I mostly feel mad at myself because I make it that way, and I wish that I had the guts to not let it happen.

I also feel afraid of my own anger, it can be very intense sometimes, but I try to keep it locked up and stuffed down. I have a tendency to internalize my anger and take things out on myself.

So the main BPD-like issues I have are

- Fear of rejection, abandonment and persecution

- Paranoia in relationships

- Self-harming / self-destructive behavior tendencies

- Poor sense of self / acting a lot to try to make people like me

- Feeling frustrated and resentful for feeling like I have to act a lot

I also get derealization issues sometimes, I just feel like there is no reality a lot, and it is hard for me to navigate when nothing feels normal or real sometimes.

I also had a therapist tell me that I may have been targeted in part because I am a "truth teller" in the family, so that might be why I was the "scapegoat child", and because trying to work on my own dysfunctions might make some people feel like their dysfunctions are exposed. It feels like tricky business half the time, but I am determined to work on my issues.

I think I stand a chance because my generation has more encouragement and access to self-help, information and therapy than previous generations, or at least it seems so. I just want to take advantage of that and do my best.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Klo

Thanks for sharing this very honest self-assessment. It takes a lot of courage and strength to really get honest about yourself like this. Identifying and acknowledging these issues is the first step in being able to do something about them

Well, I tend to be rather avoidant when it comes to forming bonds with other people. I am usually nervous that other people secretly hate me or are plotting to harm me in some way.

In what ways do you fear that people might be plotting to hurt you?

and people being nice to me in person feels like a trap to me, like the nicer someone is, the scarier they are, because I feel like it is some sort of trap.

Was this something your mother did to you perhaps? Act nicely in order to subsequently 'trap' you?

I also tend to be manipulative in the sense of trying to figure out what people want from me and trying to appease them. I just feel very nervous and mistrusting of most people, so I have a sort of mask/persona that I try to change for whoever I am around in the hopes that I won't be targeted in some way. But then I also struggle with feeling resentful, because of feeling like I have to act all the time and like people just use me and don't really care for me. But then I mostly feel mad at myself because I make it that way, and I wish that I had the guts to not let it happen.

Why do you feel like you need to appease others and put a mask on? Was this perhaps too a negative message you got from your mother that the real you wouldn't be approved of by others?

I also feel afraid of my own anger, it can be very intense sometimes, but I try to keep it locked up and stuffed down. I have a tendency to internalize my anger and take things out on myself.

What are you angry about exactly? Is it anger because of the way your mother treated you? Or is it more about things you feel you have done wrong or should have done differently yourself?

I also get derealization issues sometimes, I just feel like there is no reality a lot, and it is hard for me to navigate when nothing feels normal or real sometimes.

It's tough when you feel like that. When did these moments of 'derealization' start? Is this something you also experienced during childhood?

I think I stand a chance because my generation has more encouragement and access to self-help, information and therapy than previous generations, or at least it seems so. I just want to take advantage of that and do my best.

To do your best is all that can be asked of you. We can't do more than that. I am very glad that you're reaching out here for support and advice When I read through your post I get the sense that you might be struggling with certain negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Perhaps you can benefit from taking a look at this thread about automatic negative thoughts and how to deal with the inner critic:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

[Klo]

Thank you for the link. Yeah I had to act a lot as a kid and teen. My biological father was very abusive in multiple ways, and my mother was more afraid of a divorce than she was about me being hurt. She convinced CPS to stop investigating our house and told me that I was a liar and that I should never tell anyone again, or my dad would go to jail and it would be all my fault. I just got used to making sure to act the right way, have the right face, say the right things - and definitely avoid saying the wrong things. I was not allowed to be angry or cry or I would be spanked with the yard stick or the kitchen spoons. She would scream at me and ask me if I wanted something to cry about or be upset about. And as a teenager it became emotional instead of physical, since I was bigger. She would give me the silent treatment or question what was wrong with me, and would dump me off at my father's house (she finally had devalued/discarded him, but in this case at least it was good because he was indeed a bad person) so she could go off with a boyfriend (that was the bad part).

I guess I became afraid of people and afraid of my own emotions and self, and it has caused a slew of other issues branching out from there. I am working on them, though. Thank you again for the link, stuff like that does help out some. Aside from like, psychopaths, I don't believe that people are born evil. I believe that people don't face and process their pain, and then it festers and that's what evil feeds on. So I am determined to face my issues, even if it kind of sucks. I don't want to turn out like my parents, I just have to try to be my own parent in some ways, sort of fill in the gaps where stuff was missing from my childhood. Or at least try. I know my fears are irrational, not everyone is like my parents. Just hard to break the gut-reactions. Hoping to find a DBT class when I can afford it, though, as I have heard it can be very useful for undoing toxic patterns learned in childhood.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for answering my questions!

Hoping to find a DBT class when I can afford it, though, as I have heard it can be very useful for undoing toxic patterns learned in childhood.

In the meantime you might also want to check out the website DBT Self Help. It's a service for people seeking information about DBT and was primarily written by people who have been through DBT themselves. There's a lot of valuable information on there: DBT Self Help

[Klo]

Thank you so much, I will check it out.