I have been with a man who is 3 years younger than me, who is doinh exactly as you describe in the BPD info section. I am now falling into the trap of anxiety and depression myself and i need to get out but need help on how i can move on and be ok. I love this man tremendously, but he does not realise how insanely he has changed my life, i did EVERYTHING he wanted i was there for him through thick and thin I allowed myself tp be his vent/outlet and only in the end to have him still blame me for everything he feels with his anxiety and depression. No girl would do the hugely dedicated things i did for him i was literally "living for him" only to have him emotionally and physically abuse me every time he got angry for the simplest most superficial reasons (like why did i feel that the place he wants us yo live in is a bit far... How could i feel that and he just lashes out at me). Those little things he would trash and break my car, swear at me, threaten me with my family (i dong have brothers). I am closer to him than even his mother is and seen sides of him that his mother has never even seen and i dont speak one bad word back to him yet he treats me like sh@t. It was intensely amazing at first he idealised me and made me feel he really needed me, then he became a big clinger, if i missed his calls he would get angry with me and not talk to me, only to now hate me and for nothing bad i have done to him? He is a huge emotional abuser i am currently suffering the worst suffering from the extreme ups and downs he puts me through. One day he adores me the next day he wants to kill me and i become his enemy. As crazy as it sounds i do still love him in my heart but my brain is calling for me to get out as i am falling into this trap of anxiety myself now and i am really not well as he is torturing me with his borderline personality... He really wants me to marry him but on HIS OWN TERMS THAT SUIT ONLY HIM. I must just go with EVERYTHING HE WANTS AND ONLY THEN WILL THINGS BE OK WITH HIM. Please help me...
Hello DD8871,
Welcome to the group ... .here you will not find anyone who will judge you ... .but find guidance, assistance, advice, from our own experiences along with a moderator or two. I'm sorry that you've had to go through this ... .as most of us who have been in or perhaps are still in a relationship with someone who has BPD ... .we know how you feel ... .the frustration you feel, the anger, the sadness, the roller coaster of emotion you're feeling each and everyday. But like everyone else ... .the first AND most important thing to make sure you're safe ... .you need to be in a place where it's safe to sleep, relax, not worry about someone going off on you physically or mentally abusing you. SO do you have a gf you can stay with ... .anyone you can stay with that he doesn't know about ... .for temporary situation.?
I went through a similar thing with not one ... .bit two BPDex gf ... .they're were about 20 years apart ... .but believe it or not ... .after not hearing from the first one for nearly 18 years she has wormed her way into my family after she heard i was divorced to try to get closer to me. BTW, my mother and sister are BPD so it's one hell of a party ... .it's the reason I moved from the state and have no intentions of moving back anytime soon.
You say you love him ... .REALLY? I have to ask why do you love him after he threatens to kill you? Do bodily harm to you? Does he make you feel better about yourself? Do you like spending time with him when it's not involving sex? Do you like going out with other couples enjoying the evening, a movie, dinner, drinks? Does he fit the person you want to have kids with? Would he make a good father? Is he there to help you in your time of need? Your time of despair? Can you vent to him about your day at work? Your goals? your desires? YOUR needs wants? I've been angry before at a S/O but never to the point I wanted to do them harm much less kill them? Really ... .why do you love them? Is it them ... .or if you turn the microscope inward ... .would you find you're the reason? Most people who end up with a BPD S/O including myself are codependent ... .we are people pleasers, we are people who like to sacrifice ourselves for others ... .physically and mentally and in some cases financially. We are the "white knight, cowboy/girl in the white hat to save those in distress". It's who we are at our core ... .because life events in our childhood and those events gave us our behaviors to try to save others. It's noble ... .but it can damage us in the process.
If you have read anything on anyone who has BPD ... .there are three C's ... .YOU didn't Cause this ... .YOU Can't Cure it ... .YOU can't Control it ... .it should become your montra. You should repeat this to yourself as often as possible ... .right it down on stickies and put them up on the computer monitor at work ... .anywhere you see it constantly. Next, those who have BPD will need a lifetime of counseling, therapy by certified professionals ... .on a weekly basis ... .it's a learned behavior ... .it needs to be unlearned. And it will ONLY start when he or she realized THEY have a behavior issue and want to seek out help for it. No ... .NO amount of anything that comes from you will force them to go ... .in fact the opposite might happen ... .it will drive them from the counseling they need if you force them. There are chat rooms here and else where that will help you "control your BPD" ... .or cope or interact with them. You need to learn to say no ... .NO to the abuse ... .NO to the verbal abuse ... .NO to the mental abuse ... .YOU need to do this ... .no one else can do it for you.
My exBPDgf knows that she verbally and mentally abuses me ... .and has apologized for it ... . but she knows I've set boundaries that I won't cross ... .there are a couple of books that I've read as well as therapy for myself along with consuming everything i can via the internet on BPD ... ."I hate you, I love you ... .don't leave me" and "quit walking on eggshells". Both give you an idea of how to manage the relationship with someone who has BPD. No question about it ... .it's tough ... .but now that we're no longer together ... .I feel better that I don't have the amount of daily stress in my life ... .that I don't worry about things with her ... .I know that there are other women out there who deserve a person like me who is caring and loving and respect me for who I am ... .and now that I'm better educated I know what to look for in a toxic BPD relationship in order to prevent myself from getting into another one. I encourage you to read, learn and move forward. NO ONE deserves to be mentally or physically or verbally abused ... .you deserve more.
People with BPD are control freaks ... .they need to control every aspect of the relationship. They have an intense fear of being abandon regardless of anything and everything you show, tell them that you won't leave ... .so they will find others and leave you before you can leave them ... .if you read post in this forum you will find that this is common. I once attended a therapy session with my exBPDgf ... .and we were discussion the "other bf" ... .and the therapist told me that there will likely be others ... .that a monogamous exclusive one on one relationship is going to be unlikely given her current condition ... .it's my one boundary and I've told her as much, I won't risk my life for her behavior ... .it's not worth AIDS, Herpes, UTIs, and other STDs. She understands ... .but refuses to stop seeing this other BF ... .so I've kept my distance. You need to do the same too ... .
Like most others with BPD there are events in their life that have made them this way ... .the behavior of a 3 year old in an adult body. Have you ever had a conversation with a 3 year old? have you ever tried to reason with a 3 year old? Now do that on a daily bases ... .it will drain you mentally, physically, emotionally. They don't make since ... .I know ! My exBPD gf has not one but two graduate degrees ... .very book smart ... .but in relationships ... .your back in the grade school yard passing notes and Suzy is telling you she likes Timmy to make you jealous. These events are traumatic ... .it's the way they learned to survive ... .it's a learned behavior and trust me ... .you are in no way equip to deal with this. You and they need professional help. You need to stand up to them ... .tell them that this behavior is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it any longer ... .and walk away ... .or tell them until they can talk to you with respect and being calm not to call. You are most likely like the rest of us ... .you are a codependent ... .the good thing is it's easy to fix ... .and the first thing to learn is to say no. and to seek out therapy for yourself to learn why you behavior is this way.
They, BPD gf and bf crave and need structor in their life since they really didn't have it growing up. You put your foot down, create structor, create boundaries and slowly they MIGHT come around ... .but it's a life long struggle that you will embark on. Until they realize that their behavior is unacceptable and that they need professional help ... .very possibly for the rest of their life ... .there will be no changing for them. In ANY case ... .YOU need to seek out professional help ... .YOU need to seek out guidance and therapy to find out why you were attracted and "love" this person who threatens to take your life. You deserve better ... .you deserve a respectful, loving and caring relationship ... .and trust me there are plenty of us men out there who seek the same thing ... .
Please be safe ... .I wish you well ... .
JQ
