Allegations, complaints, lies

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi  

I'm so sick and tired of all his crazy and false allegations. Ok, yeah, I got it, he's persecuted, ok.

The thing is, he's making up crazy stories about me, like I tortured him psychologically and even physically (although he doesn't give details) during our 2-year relationship.

He's been to the police to tell them I tried to run him over with my car (he violently tried to prevent me from running away, then tried to stand in the road and I reversed, then managed to get a doc certificate for "non-visible bruises" and a 7 day sick leave   ), that I trespassed his home (just wanted to discuss things peacefully actually, he locked me in then called the police who asked him to let me go... .).

I had to go NC (no choice) and that drives him crazy as we haven't seen the judge yet (September) and he demands to see his son.

He even went to the police to file for "Child Sequestration". They refused... .BTW my son was 10h/day at the nannies... .

Now he's telling the whole world that I'm a violent and hysterical woman, and that I'm dangerous to our 18 month son and my D10.

Thanks God I had a child from a previous relationship and that my D10's dad can attest I'm none of all this... .and we lived together for 10 years.

But now I've been told there's going to be an investigation from the social services. I know I have NOTHING to worry about (I don't drink or take drugs, I don't even go clubbing, no sexual activity whatsoever btw since breakup 10 months ago, my house is ok, I don't shout or spank my kids... .)

It's just... .hell has been lasting for 1 year and I'm exhausted. I survived the chaos, managed to feed my kids and pay the lawyer.

But I have almost no happiness left, I worry constantly and all this sht just keeps going round and round in my head.

I'd like to hear about what you've been accused of... .

[Indyan]

Hi  

I'm so sick and tired of all his crazy and false allegations. Ok, yeah, I got it, he's persecuted, ok.

The thing is, he's making up crazy stories about me, like I tortured him psychologically and even physically (although he doesn't give details) during our 2-year relationship.

He's been to the police to tell them I tried to run him over with my car (he violently tried to prevent me from running away, then tried to stand in the road and I reversed, then managed to get a doc certificate for "non-visible bruises" and a 7 day sick leave   ), that I trespassed his home (just wanted to discuss things peacefully actually, he locked me in then called the police who asked him to let me go... .).

I had to go NC (no choice) and that drives him crazy as we haven't seen the judge yet (September) and he demands to see his son.

He even went to the police to file for "Child Sequestration". They refused... .BTW my son was 10h/day at the nannies... .

Now he's telling the whole world that I'm a violent and hysterical woman, and that I'm dangerous to our 18 month son and my D10.

Thanks God I had a child from a previous relationship and that my D10's dad can attest I'm none of all this... .and we lived together for 10 years.

But now I've been told there's going to be an investigation from the social services. I know I have NOTHING to worry about (I don't drink or take drugs, I don't even go clubbing, no sexual activity whatsoever btw since breakup 10 months ago, my house is ok, I don't shout or spank my kids... .)

It's just... .hell has been lasting for 1 year and I'm exhausted. I survived the chaos, managed to feed my kids and pay the lawyer.

But I have almost no happiness left, I worry constantly and all this sht just keeps going round and round in my head.

I'd like to hear about what you've been accused of... .

[Matt]

I'd like to hear about what you've been accused of... .

Well I don't have to be asked twice... .

Married 12 years, kids 8 and 10 when we separated, plus two older stepkids I love as my own.

For years my wife accused me of cheating on her - I never did - naming specific women - every woman I ever worked with, plus my sister-in-law and even my stepdaughter - insane stuff.  She used to say, "I know there's something going on between you and So-And-So.", and looking back I think she was right:  she did "know" it, but it wasn't true... .

Finally she got violent - threw an iron at me but missed, then one evening she came home - it was nine days before Christmas - I was practicing my guitar - she physically attacked me - swung the guitar at my head - then called 911 and told them I "threw her down the stairs".

The police arrived and questioned us both, plus the kids, and they checked out the physical evidence.  They caught her lying but in my state (and 19 others) the federal Violence Against Women Act is interpreted to mean that in situations like this the man must be arrested and charged.  They told me that if they believed her they would have had to charge me with attempted murder, but they didn't so they charged me with assault and I spent the night in jail.  The judge let me go on the condition that I not return to the house - the house I had made every payment on - she never contributed a penny... .

I hired a lawyer for $5,000.  When the police report was finished a couple weeks later, the judge ordered that the charges be dropped.  But that wasn't the end of the accusations;  after a year trying to fix the marriage, we went ahead with divorce, and when my wife was deposed (questioned under oath) she made more than 40 false statements and accusations, many of them that I could prove false.

Along the way, she was diagnosed with BPD and some other stuff.  My view is, when she said that stuff, she probably believed most of it - "I know there's something going on between you and... .".  I think she has such strong feelings of abandonment or whatever, that she has to have a reason - the real reason is probably stuff that happened to her when she was little - but I got assigned the guilt for her negative feelings.  I finally gave in and accepted that unless she gets therapy - as the judge ordered she should - there's no way to have a positive relationship with her.

Now my focus is on keeping my distance from her - I rarely see her or talk to her - and on helping my kids figure out how they choose to deal with her.  They all have relatively OK relationships with her and their eyes are wide open - they don't know everything I do but they know that she is how she is and stuff she says doesn't reflect on them.  They're all doing pretty well!  (Pause to brag a little:  My stepdaughter graduated from an Ivy League school with high grades and is now working on her Ph.D., and my daughter was just accepted by another Ivy League school - and both of them got full scholarships.)

For you, you're right in the middle of it, and I hope pretty soon you can get more distance from him.  One option might be a restraining order or "order of protection" - a court order that both of you should have no contact with the other except using e-mail to arrange stuff related to the kids, and legal stuff through your attorneys.  The more direct contact you have, the more engaged you'll stay, and the more the craziness will continue... .

[Indyan]

Thanks Matt for sharing your experience, and a tough one!

I agree 100% with you that he, too, KNOWS I'm a violent woman. In fact, he confuses his abusing mother with me (seriously?).

In October, we were trying to talk about US, and I said "I've always been honest to you", and he answered (looking more mad than ever) : "Me too I loved my mom sincerely"    

Anyway, I've requested a psych evaluation and supervised visits to the judge. The problem is, here in France, judges (and people in general) don't seem to take mental (un)health seriously. Saying someone is mentally ill sounds like a lack of respect to most people... .

And I also agree 100% with you on the fact that without TREATMENT (not just therapy) no dialogue whatsoever will ever be possible.

I JUST CANNOT speak to someone who accuses me of abusing my kids and partner just about everytime I see him.

[david]

I was accused of assaulting both my ex and our youngest son.

They were two separate instances. She took our youngest to the pediatrician. Scared the hell out of me but , since I never did anything wrong, nothing came of it. In fact, it helped me in a custody eval because the evaluator contacted the doc and told ex that nothing was ever reported as was the law. Ex insisted S7 must have lied at the eval meeting ?

I was arrested and found guilty of disorderly conduct instead of assaulting my ex. I went to jail for two weeks and lost my job. When I got out I purchased a video camera and a small voice recorder. I let ex know I had them. She complained about it in emails, through her atty, in a co parent counseling meeting, and in front of a judge. It is illegal in my state to record without a court order. The judge yelled at me for about ten minutes. I then asked him how, without recording, could I protect myself from false allegations. He yelled a little more and gave me no answer. I still have both.

I have been accused, at various times, of being physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. This went on for about 4 years. In the last two years things have gotten fairly quiet. I only communicate through email and only discuss issues about the kids. I haven't gotten a negative email in about three months now. That is the longest period since 2007.

[maxen]

i'm in awe of the emotional wherewithal of yiz who have been through these things and come out with your sense of self intact, as it appears. compared to these stories i've got nothing. after the end she accused me of "ambushing" her for being in our (= her and my) house an hour after i called to say i was there, because she assumed i should leave pending her arrival. she accused me of "taking me for granted by leaving me upstairs" because i used to do our (= her and my) laundry and i stayed with it in the basement and sometimes dozed off. she accused me of being "ungenerous" because i wouldn't pay for everything she wanted paid for while she was blowing through her salary on alcohol. she accused me of not giving her "a marriage" though for two years at the end i had come on to her without any response, and she never came on to me. she accused me of being dishonest in my Statement of Net Worth for rubbish, grasping reasons which were dropped as soon as it became clear that i could substantiate my position. basic BPD stuff.

I know I have NOTHING to worry about

good. please keep that in the forefront of your mind.

[Matt]

Anyway, I've requested a psych evaluation and supervised visits to the judge. The problem is, here in France, judges (and people in general) don't seem to take mental (un)health seriously. Saying someone is mentally ill sounds like a lack of respect to most people... .

I'm in the US, and I think things can work very differently in different countries... .

My attorney advised me to request objective psych evals for both parents - my wife and myself.

Two key points here:

Objective psych evals means a test like the MMPI-2, not just a psychologist talking with the person.  People with BPD can sometimes fool even an experienced psychologist, but I don't think they can fool the MMPI-2.

And by requesting the same for both parents, we weren't blaming my wife or asking the court to make any assumptions.  Our argument was, "This will be useful information for the court to take into account."  It worked - our motion was approved and both parents got psych evals, and mine was OK but my wife's showed "multiple psychological disorders".

And I also agree 100% with you on the fact that without TREATMENT (not just therapy) no dialogue whatsoever will ever be possible.

I think therapy is treatment.

For BPD, there is no medication.  The recommended treatment is talk-therapy like DBT (dialectic behavior therapy).  Over several years it is very effective - one study reported more than 80% success after 5 years.  But most people with BPD won't do it - my ex-wife was ordered by the court to get therapy but she hasn't done it.  So I don't think you should plan for your husband to get therapy - you have to deal with him the way he is.

[Indyan]

Thanks to all.

Matt, I don't know what the hell is wrong with my now ex. He's delirious and totally paranoid. My psychologist thinks about "Paranoid Psychosis", the therapist we saw together in October had mentionned Schizophrenia. No idea then.

But I do think that only antipsychotics could stop his delusions.

The other day he said to a "legal mediator" (I was forced to go because of his complaints) that "a year of therapy has shown him at last that the whole problem came from ME"... .I almost fainted in front of the mediator, I couldn't bear to hear all this.

Regarding the eval, we don't get to choose here, and we can either be lucky or not. He can look pretty normal at times, but when we start to poke around his delusion or persecution he gets very expressive. 

[Matt]

Well I've read that about half of everybody with BPD also has something else - co-morbidity.

Schizophrenia can be treated with medication, but if it is too far advanced it may not be fixable.

When you talk with anyone except your attorney or us here, remember not to appear to "diagnose" your husband... .

[Indyan]

Well I've read that about half of everybody with BPD also has something else - co-morbidity.

Schizophrenia can be treated with medication, but if it is too far advanced it may not be fixable.

I did everything I could to get him to seek treatment. Last summer, he told me he needed hospitalization. I called his dad for advice (btw my ex's mother is diagnosed bipolar and was very abusive to her kids). Much to my surprise his dad answered "all this was my fault" and he came to pick him up. That was how our beautiful love story ended, the day before going on holidays, with a 6 mo old baby.

Since then things went from bad to worse.

Someone has even shot my holiday home from the roof opposite and his family has a holiday home too, opposite the street, a few houses away. We never found the culprit but I KNOW he did it.

All this will appear in my report to the judge. I just hope he or she will understand the tragedy behind the words.

[Indyan]

When you talk with anyone except your attorney or us here, remember not to appear to "diagnose" your husband... .

I tried to avoid this in the report. I only quoted the therapist who mentioned "paranoia and persecution".

But his sisters wrote against me that I "accused him of having all the illnessess in the world", which isn't true.

I did mention BPD to them, full stop. Then the therapist told me "it's not BPD, it's worse. I'm thinking about schizophrenia, he should get treatment urgently.", I called one of his sisters (he was staying with his family) and told her. The sisters chose to phone the therapist to threaten him of making him lose his job, for he isn't a doctor.

I have to say that therapists don't "believe in" BPD here in France. They target Bipolar, Paranoia, or Schizophrenia.

All these mental illnesses are close anyway, but just for your information.

[Matt]

Usually here we try to focus on the behaviors more than the diagnosis (although it can be helpful to have an official diagnosis).

If you focus on the behaviors - dealing with them and if possible documenting them - then you'll make good choices and others will see you doing what's right.

[Indyan]

If you focus on the behaviors - dealing with them and if possible documenting them - then you'll make good choices and others will see you doing what's right.

What do you mean exactly?

I described the FACTS to the judge.

He started to feel persecuted at work in spring 2014, but kept telling me I had nothing to do with his anguish.

Then had panic attacks, banging his head on the wall about me "running away with newborn".

Then despair, anger, and suspicion. Kicked kids and me out and went to the psych ER (we live right next to a psych ward).

Went there 3 times, but wasn't hospitalized (I learnt someone had to be there to sign... .)

Then became more and more hostile towards me, and did all sorts of things to put me in the sh*t (notice to landlord, letters accusing me of cheating to benefits, false allegations... .)

Very agressive, scared the kids and me... .

etc... .

The question I can't get out of my head is "Has he been lying to me the whole time? Or has he changed because of illness?"

I can't accept the idea that our beautiful love was all rubbish  :'(

He told me last August "I will love you no matter what happens"... .it's just unbelievable... .  :'(

[Matt]

What I mean is, it's sometimes helpful here, among your friends, to talk about what problems your husband might have - BPD, or schizophrenia, or whatever.  But if you talk about that where your husband, or his attorney, or the judge might hear it, that might work against you.

So... .if you focus mostly on what your husband does - not what disorder might be causing that behavior - you can figure out how to deal with his crazy behavior and what help you can ask the court for.

[david]

I stopped trying to diagnose my ex and just focus on our kids and what I think is best for them. I only communicate through email so when I get an email that has anything NOT pertaining to our boys I ignore all that stuff and just answer what is about our boys. I used to get emails pages long about all kinds of things that were wrong with me, things I did wrong, blah, blah, blah. If there was something in it that pertained to our boys I answered that and only that. I use three to five sentences max most of the time. I have gotten very good at one sentence emails.

[Matt]

I stopped trying to diagnose my ex and just focus on our kids and what I think is best for them. I only communicate through email so when I get an email that has anything NOT pertaining to our boys I ignore all that stuff and just answer what is about our boys. I used to get emails pages long about all kinds of things that were wrong with me, things I did wrong, blah, blah, blah. If there was something in it that pertained to our boys I answered that and only that. I use three to five sentences max most of the time. I have gotten very good at one sentence emails.

Yeah, this is the kind of discipline that helped me a lot.  But for me it was more about the phone... .

I used to get calls from my wife - even when we were married - asking me innocent-sounding questions, but then no matter what I answered she started in ranting and accusing me of stuff.  Nothing I said worked.  (Often I was traveling on business and it was late, and I was tired, so it was a mild form of torture to have to listen to this stuff.)

The first thing I learned to do was just set the phone down - not hang it up - but just set it down and not listen to her ranting.  Then a few minutes later I would check and see if she was still ranting, and set the phone down again, or if she had hung up I would hang up too.  It seemed important to me to be able to say, "I didn't hang up on you."

Later I realized that was kind of stupid, so I just hung up on her whenever she spoke to me inappropriately - accusations, complaints, etc.  I never threatened to do it, or discussed it with her, I just did it.  Pretty soon I quit getting that kind of call.

Now we rarely talk by phone, and only briefly and about some very practical matter, like picking up the kids or something for school.  Nothing about the past, and nothing vague - just the facts.

[david]

Email leaves a paper trail so it protects you from false allegations.

[Indyan]

I used to get emails pages long about all kinds of things that were wrong with me, things I did wrong, blah, blah, blah. If there was something in it that pertained to our boys I answered that and only that. I use three to five sentences max most of the time. I have gotten very good at one sentence emails.

Maybe it's slighly different when you're a woman because all this is very stressful and scary to me.

I've reached a stage where I just cannot check my emails anymore, as it almost felt sick with anxiety everytime.

[Indyan]

If you focus on the behaviors - dealing with them and if possible documenting them - then you'll make good choices and others will see you doing what's right.

Ok, am I on the right tracks?

I mentioned:

- changing and weird behaviour

- threats, allegations

- rage, scary behaviour

- no dialogue possible as he's always accusing me and he's very agressive

- depressions and suicide threats

- violence (broke "everything" at his parents while having baby with him - my D10 also talked about this through her psychologist)

[Matt]

If you focus on the behaviors - dealing with them and if possible documenting them - then you'll make good choices and others will see you doing what's right.

Ok, am I on the right tracks?

I mentioned:

- changing and weird behaviour

- threats, allegations

- rage, scary behaviour

- no dialogue possible as he's always accusing me and he's very agressive

- depressions and suicide threats

- violence (broke "everything" at his parents while having baby with him - my D10 also talked about this through her psychologist)

I think you're on the right track.

"Changing and weird behavior" - "weird" is vague - if you can mention specific things that may help more.  For my ex, I could have said, "Sometimes she accuses me of things in front of the kids.", for example.  (And anything that impacts the kids will be given much more weight.)

Same thing for "scary behavior" - if you give specific examples you will be taken more seriously.

"Aggressive" - do you mean he hit you, or he threatened to hit you?

Suicide threats - if you can give specific examples and if you have documentation this will be important.  For example, if he sent you an e-mail saying something like this, or if you can say, "Last Sunday about noon he told me that he was going to do such-and-such."

broke "everything" - what specifically did he break?  Who saw him do that?

[Indyan]

I think you're on the right track.

"Changing and weird behavior" - "weird" is vague - if you can mention specific things that may help more.  For my ex, I could have said, "Sometimes she accuses me of things in front of the kids.", for example.  (And anything that impacts the kids will be given much more weight.)

Same thing for "scary behavior" - if you give specific examples you will be taken more seriously.

"Aggressive" - do you mean he hit you, or he threatened to hit you?

Suicide threats - if you can give specific examples and if you have documentation this will be important.  For example, if he sent you an e-mail saying something like this, or if you can say, "Last Sunday about noon he told me that he was going to do such-and-such."

broke "everything" - what specifically did he break?  Who saw him do that?

Ok I get it. We need examples.

He's aggressive, like he always tries to take baby by force. He pushed me in front of my D10, stuff like that.

When he broke "everything":  I'd gone shopping with my daughter, when we came back we found him on the street looking dazed, without shoes, and with a bleeding hand, and he said "I broke everything in the kitchen because my mother got on my nerves". I didn't actually SEE it myself. And baby was there, where exactly, I'm not sure.

"Weird" I mean like on baby's first birthday he came to spend a couple of hours at my house (that used to be ours) with my consent while I was working, he then went to file a complaint for "trespassing his home" (!) and came back with a bday cake to share with the kids and me when I came back from work.

But for real the weirdness is more in his general attitude, exageratly hateful, weird eyes, extreme coldness... .but there it's starting to sound medical I guess, as this is specifically what made the therapist suggest schizophrenia.

[Matt]

Avoid words like "always" and "never".  They are viewed as signs that you are exaggerating.  Better to say, "Several times I have seen him do X" or "He does Y at least once a week."

When did he push you in front of your daughter?  Where did that take place?  What were the circumstances?  (You don't need to answer here;  I'm just making a point - specifics are important.)

These are very good examples - breaking stuff in the kitchen, filing a false complaint etc.

Can you get a copy of the complaint he filed?  Can you prove that something on it is false?

I don't know how the process works there, but if it can involve a psychologist, that's when you can be more open and give your perceptions, like "hateful, weird eyes, coldness" etc.  A psychologist may ask questions like that.  Lawyers and judges look more at facts and evidence.

[Indyan]

"Weird" I mean like on baby's first birthday he came to spend a couple of hours at my house (that used to be ours) with my consent while I was working, he then went to file a complaint for "trespassing his home" (!) and came back with a bday cake to share with the kids and me when I came back from work.

Sorry, I should have specified "with baby"

[Indyan]

Avoid words like "always" and "never". Ok, I take note of that They are viewed as signs that you are exaggerating.  Better to say, "Several times I have seen him do X" or "He does Y at least once a week."

When did he push you in front of your daughter?  Where did that take place?  What were the circumstances?  (You don't need to answer here;  I'm just making a point - specifics are important.)

I actually provided a table with the visits and his actions, such as the birthday.



These are very good examples - breaking stuff in the kitchen, filing a false complaint etc. good, thanks

Can you get a copy of the complaint he filed?  Can you prove that something on it is false? He actually joined them to his report to the judge, as he's trying to make me look like a violent woman. I'm not sure though if I'll get to talk about that with the judge. People say here that they don't care much about what's happening between the parents, only what involves the kids. Anyway, talking about "proof", I have a text he sent right after I "ran him over", asking where his mother's curtains were in my house... .exactly the sort of thing you wonder about when you've been crushed to the wall!

I don't know how the process works there, but if it can involve a psychologist, that's when you can be more open and give your perceptions, like "hateful, weird eyes, coldness" etc.  A psychologist may ask questions like that.  Lawyers and judges look more at facts and evidence. Ok, thanks for this, it's very useful.