lithasblot,
My question has to do with figuring out how to respond to irrational thoughts. Should I be validating? Or is validating the irrational thoughts a form of enabling?
Things she gets irrational about:
-If I put a bag or box down on the ground, she asks me if I'm worried that it's going to get infested with bugs.
-If we're having a conversation at dinner, she "shushes" me and says she doesn't want anyone to hear what we're talking about, i.e. fear of having strangers overhear our conversation. I've never been told that I'm a loud person, so this seems weird to me.
good question. There is a imho. overblown fear of enabling through validation. Yes, we should not validate the invalid but that is usually a lot less important than validating and even more avoiding invalidation. Irrational thinking is already a sign that emotions are taking over so whatever we say needs to address the emotional mind. Worrying about too much logic is moot or worse distracting. A mother blowing on a scrape is not healing, is not rationale but validating the pain.
Often I find members rejecting validating something their partner does due to their own judgment kicking in before they fully assess the complete situation. Yes the fear of ants is probably overblown. But then the fear is very real in her mind. And hygiene is an important topic. Pests can be obnoxious and disgusting. That all is very true and can be validated. Validation is not SET, not concerned with facts. Validation is concerned about letting the other person know that we get them. This allows the other person to relax a bit and spend less energy on being upset about ants. And possibly seeing also reason in some cases too without us trying to explain the world to them.
By all means try to validate her, find an angle that allows you to speak with conviction. Your tone of voice matters a lot so it is important not to fake it.
Having said this there is plenty of evidence in your post that your partner is very enmeshed with you. The dinner situation is a classic - she gets triggered as she feels responsible for what you do and does not agree with it. Unbearable as you basically speak in her head. You need to introduce boundaries which will help to reduce her sense of overlapping with you. Breaking the sense of control is key. Read up on them and find ways to introduce them where they matter for you most. One at a time - the first ones likely come with an extinction burst. Validation skills again can help you soothing over some but not all of that. There is some work ahead of you
Welcome,
a0
