Do some wBPD NEVER recycle?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know a common characteristic of pwBPD is to recycle past relationships. Our own relationship was recycled around four times, but we never spent a significant length of time broken up; it wasn't as if we broke up, got on with our lives, then got back together again - it was more as if we just had arguments, stopped talking for a bit, then reconnected.

He told me that in the past, whenever he's broken up with someone, he's just walked away and never looked back. He said he's never attempted to make contact with an ex - he just cuts them off and gets on with life. I have to say, none of his exes were on his social media friends list, and whenever I asked him what had happened to this ex or that ex, he had no idea. He really had just left them at the point the relationship ended, and that was that. I find this unusual because most people I know have either stayed friends or acquaintances with the odd ex, or know people who know them, or have heard things on the grapevine - whatever.

He had to stay in touch with his ex wife because of their children, but he never attempted to recycle that relationship to my knowledge. Is it likely that an attempt to recycle happened with some of his exes, but he was conveniently forgotten?

Because of the number of times he recycled me, I am finding it hard to believe he is gone for good. Partly the reason my defences are still so active is because I half expect him to pop up again at any moment. And yet I don't think he ever recycled any of his other exes. I think his fear of rejection, and the fact that he paints them so black when the relationship ends, means that his fear of losing face outweighs his desire to reconnect.

Any thoughts? Can I safely assume he's gone for good and try to relax into my new life? Or is a recycle attempt more likely than not, and if so should I stay alert?

[Suspicious1]

I know a common characteristic of pwBPD is to recycle past relationships. Our own relationship was recycled around four times, but we never spent a significant length of time broken up; it wasn't as if we broke up, got on with our lives, then got back together again - it was more as if we just had arguments, stopped talking for a bit, then reconnected.

He told me that in the past, whenever he's broken up with someone, he's just walked away and never looked back. He said he's never attempted to make contact with an ex - he just cuts them off and gets on with life. I have to say, none of his exes were on his social media friends list, and whenever I asked him what had happened to this ex or that ex, he had no idea. He really had just left them at the point the relationship ended, and that was that. I find this unusual because most people I know have either stayed friends or acquaintances with the odd ex, or know people who know them, or have heard things on the grapevine - whatever.

He had to stay in touch with his ex wife because of their children, but he never attempted to recycle that relationship to my knowledge. Is it likely that an attempt to recycle happened with some of his exes, but he was conveniently forgotten?

Because of the number of times he recycled me, I am finding it hard to believe he is gone for good. Partly the reason my defences are still so active is because I half expect him to pop up again at any moment. And yet I don't think he ever recycled any of his other exes. I think his fear of rejection, and the fact that he paints them so black when the relationship ends, means that his fear of losing face outweighs his desire to reconnect.

Any thoughts? Can I safely assume he's gone for good and try to relax into my new life? Or is a recycle attempt more likely than not, and if so should I stay alert?

[Gonzalo]

My relationship was like yours - she would tell me that she was breaking up with me, things would be weird for a few days, then we'd be back together. We never did the 'go our separate ways, then get back together' pattern. After the split, she has made zero attempts to get back together with me, and in fact unfriended me on her social media. I don't really think of those as real recycles like most people here have, because there wasn't an actual separation and it only happened for a couple of days.

Why are you worried about a recycle attempt now - do you think you'll fall back in with him if he offers? I don't have anything to 'stay alert' about; by the time I broke things off with my ex-, any chance of getting back together was gone, and now I'm so much happier in my life since I don't have to navigate BPD-SPLOSIONS of emotion all the time.

[Suspicious1]

My relationship was like yours - she would tell me that she was breaking up with me, things would be weird for a few days, then we'd be back together. We never did the 'go our separate ways, then get back together' pattern. After the split, she has made zero attempts to get back together with me, and in fact unfriended me on her social media. I don't really think of those as real recycles like most people here have, because there wasn't an actual separation and it only happened for a couple of days.

Why are you worried about a recycle attempt now - do you think you'll fall back in with him if he offers? I don't have anything to 'stay alert' about; by the time I broke things off with my ex-, any chance of getting back together was gone, and now I'm so much happier in my life since I don't have to navigate BPD-SPLOSIONS of emotion all the time.

Sounds very much like my relationship. Yes, he unfriended me, but he didn't block me and I still think he puts the odd hook on there. I know for sure that he has in the past.

Yes, I am worried I'll fall back in with him if he offers. Part of me wants to, part of me wants to stay away. It's a head/heart battle that's going on here. What they say about these relationships being like an addiction is true. I want to get on with my life and not care anymore, but while I DO still care it's hard to totally let go. I have a strange fear that the second I do let go, he'll be back and it'll be the one time I'll have been unprepared.

[once removed]

this is the tricky thing about blanket statements with regard to pwBPD. every person with BPD is different, everyone they date is different, and every relationship is different. 62% of relationships recycle, irrespective of BPD. recycling takes two. you cant control what he does, you can control what you do.

similarly, my relationship didnt "officially" break up, but each of us said "its over" probably well over a hundred times. as far as i know, my ex has very little history of recycling, just an episode with her first serious boyfriend.

you might find this information on relationship recycling useful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

[Pretty Woman]

It really depends on the person.  My ex has tried to re-engage with her exes throughout the years. There are some she knows she pissed off so badly she is afraid to ever contact them---one is a gun-carrying cop, yet speaks glowingly about them as well.

She has a history of trying to "win back" exes once they've moved on---happened to myself and a few others.  If she can't get them back they become the "one love of her life" and "the one who got away".

[Dutched]

As once removed says we talk about a human being with all their flaws, like we have, but we also have to consider the traits that comes with this type of personalities.

Going back in time on this Board you find many posts in which experiences are shared.

Some exes initiate contact within a “magical time” of a 3 – 6 months.

Some exes seemingly vanish but initiate contact after their recent break up and/or when in need.

A few stories can be found that an ex initiate contact after a 20 -25 yrs.!

There seems to be a sort of consensus:

the lower functioning the ex is, chances are they will contact you

the higher functioning the ex is, chances are they cut you off (the people cutters) and ‘move on’ (till they hit rock bottom).

In short, the best prediction is there past behaviour.

So, if you can find out or know about, the very, very first time ex exhibited that behaviour (and the way he/she broke up) towards family and friends, then you have a good prediction.

The very first time exhfw broke up was at age 18 when she in an uncontrollable emotional outburst deleted her parents/family, split them totally black and refused any contact for about a decade.

Simultaneously her best friend since kindergarten was disposed off, as all within her social circle.

It is exactly what exhfw did to me/my family (though not with the kids, but avoiding any parental responsibility towards the youngest one as punishment because he stayed to live with me…).

Exhfw is a people cutter, again, and again towards our former mutual friends of more than 3 decades… 

[Suspicious1]

Dutched, that's really useful. I understand that people are individuals and the different traits will show up to a greater or lesser extent for each person, but it does seem (by nature of the disorder) that pwBPD are more likely than not to show particular traits. I've never heard of someone with BPD who doesn't split black and white, for example.

I guess what I'm trying to establish (and what once removed's link clarifies) is the liklihood of someone with BPD NOT recycling. Is it one of those traits that is so ingrained into the condition a to something that is more likely to happen than not? Of course there is no definitive answer - some will only recycle within the relationship, as myself and Gonzalo experienced; some will follow a pattern of recycling at times they feel vulnerable. I suppose what I'm wondering is, in general, how likely is it that a pwBPD won't recycle at all.

In terms of past behaviour, my ex said he never contacted his exes before, but if he contacted them and they rejected me, it's highly unlikely he'd have told me that. He also wouldn't have told me if he'd fished to see if they bit, but didn't contact them directly. All I know for certainty is how he was with his family, and I know he had a history of cutting off family members (at least five that I know of), giving them the ST sometimes for a number of years, and then splitting them white again. He was known in his family for doing this, and indeed when we split up his brother said "I'm sorry you're going through this, he does have a habit of doing it".

Family members are different to exes though, so who knows.

[Pretty Woman]

Suspicious,

    From what I've heard/learned past behaviors are really indicative of future with this condition. They aren't set in stone but if you know anything about their past you are likely to see a distinct pattern which should help you.

[apollotech]

... .the fact that he paints them so black when the relationship ends, means that his fear of losing face outweighs his desire to reconnect.

Suspicious1,

If it is truly a BPD issue, I think your answer is there ^^^^. In general, if a pwBPD paints someone black and terminates the attachment themselves, they won't be open to contact nor make contact again until the "black" fades. That's why you can't trigger fear of abandonment in them and get them to return when they have painted you black. I don't believe that it's a "saving face" issue; it's a "you're no longer seen as a suitable 'bonding' candidate" (in their eyes) issue. As one poster has mentioned, the fading may take 6 months or 25 years or it may never happen.

[CharWood]

I have been recycled one time. Just right before the 2 year mark... .Now after almost 4 years together, we broke up about a month ago. Both break ups were for relatively similar reasons: Crazy mom who is also borderline intervening in relationship, unwillingness to communicate and work on issues, painting me to black every time a problem arises, emotionally shutting down, and finding attention from other people and creating weird dalliances with people on the internet.

I will say that this time, it is FAR worse than the last breakup. She went coo coo for coco puffs this time. I have heard somewhere that any attempt to recycle after the first recycle will be happen after a longer duration of time than the first.

My ex unfriended me too. did not block me. She unfriended me the first time though... but added me back within 2 weeks. This time, it has been a month so far. She will come to me when she needs advice or help or I think, when she feels alone... .but so far, no explicit attempts to charm me back in (that I am aware of, unless she has some twisted plan)

One sick thing she has done: delete me off facebook and delete all of our pictures together... .but keep instagram where it shows she still lives in the house and has our pets and kept pictures of me and us up there... and she gets on it pretty regularly. Its weird. Sometimes BPDs are just unpredictable.

I do notice a pattern though: she will contact me for a few days straight and try to see me... .then ignore me and go silent for 2 to 4 days. Its hard to tell when the pattern will stop and she will disappear. I am on high alert though... .she had been using a former coworker for a free place to live, but when my ex, who has informed her new roommate that she is destitute and left a mean controlling, ex, went off and bought a new car only making slightly above minimum wage and not attempting to help this woman with rent, the lady told her she has less than 2 months to get out and find a new living arrangement. Of course, my ex called with a sob story saying the lady is mean to her and giving her attitude and she is miserable there and asking me questions about how much an apartment deposit will cost and how much per month... .and drove across town to work out with me... .never said she wants to come back... .but I felt on alert because she was trying to be nice to me... .but guess what? the very next day, I made a plan to work out with her... .she stood me up. didn't even call. I had to call her and she gave me an attitude about why she did not show up when she just texted me an hour before we were supposed to be meeting that she would... .then she went silent on me for the last 2 days... 3 if I do not hear from her today.  She just got a check in the mail from her mommy... .so I figure now that she has a little bit of money... .she feels content for now and will be MIA until she goes out and does something impulsive to squander it... .anytime a borderline's plan(s) fall through, they seem to try and reach out to whats comfortable, which would be the primary relationship. If you manage to be with a borderline for any long term amount of time, they see you as their primary, or at least that is what I am told.

I have no idea if my ex will recycle this time or not. She has removed everything from the house she can take, as opposed to the last time when she did left things behind (I think purposefully). She has also gotten all separate accounts from me, her mom bought her a new phone account, and she has changed her mail over from my house. She has been hot, cold this time for a longer amount of time than last time... though she still gets jealous and possessive asking who I hang out with or bringing up people in the past who have flirted with me and getting angry... she still looks over my shoulder at my phone when I get a call or text and we are together... .still talks about my mom and says she misses her... .still checks me out and can be flirtatious from time to time... .but talks in a manner that she has moved on and will not return, although she will not give me the house key back and does not change her driver's license... .We moved to FL about over a year ago to my hometown to get some distance between she and her mom and start a life here. She was good for about a year before she went wacky again... .the thing I am confused about is that she decided to move out and stay here rather than going back out of state to where her family and friends are back in her hometown where we moved here from. I wonder if the fact that she has no family and friends here puts me at a higher risk for a recycle attempt?

I cannot figure any of this out and am at a loss this time... .I wonder if this past Friday is the last time I will hear from her. Any feedback from anyone who has been recycled in the past is much appreciated.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I did something interesting this morning at work.  I found my exBPD's exgf.  We are pretty "twinny" -- fascinating.

My ex did not recycle her, but told me that he painted her "white" again for a while and allegedly struggled to stay away.  However, one part of the equation that he frequently fails to mention is that, despite the fact that he was "engaged" to her, she was still married to and involved with her husband, though they were separated at the time.  She is the one who broke the engagement with my exBPD after some fighting.  I wonder if, like an earlier poster said, he TRIED to recycle her, but she rejected him, and that's when he painted her black again.  He was pretty hesitant to divulge details like this with me, so it wouldn't surprise me if he just left that bit out.  The profile pics that I found of her were her wedding pictures!

I have an established history of taking back men who have wronged me, and my exBPD knows about this.  He also left a very valuable personal item in my possession and hasn't left any of the social groups I share with him.  I also know he's watching me online.  My money is on the 3 - 6 month mark.  But it will still make my brain explode.

[Learning_curve74]

I find it very intriguing the number of people on the leaving board that are curious about "recycling", as this isn't the first thread topic about it. It is a fairly common question and often a fear of people who end up here in this community.

I personally do not like the term "recycling" as it seems to indicate a one way thing. I can recycle an aluminum can, the can has no choice in the matter. However, to rekindle an old relationship takes TWO people actively making the same decision. If one person tells the other "get lost", then that's it, finito, kaput, nada.

My exBPDgf and I broke up and got back together once. After the second breakup, the chance we will ever get back together again is ZERO. I have absolutely no interest in a romantic relationship with her, although I still love and care for her as a person.

Most relationships end because of very difficult issues that were not worked out. What would have to be different the second time around to make you consider trying again? Do you feel vulnerable to getting back together even if your gut feeling says nothing has changed?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have no idea if anything has changed or not, since my exBPD refuses to speak to me at all.  I am on the "leaving" board because I really had no choice in the matter.  That is not to say that I know what I would do in the case of a recycle. 

For me, thinking about recycling and knowing that it is highly likely is one of the biggest sticking points for moving on.  I am already trying to see other people so that I have another focus and more at stake.  But some part of me is really looking forward to the recycle attempt -- I can't help it.  My exBPD is a middle-aged man with absolutely zero skills at impressing a woman.  He has had a girlfriend for less than 1 year of his entire life, and gets perpetually rejected.  It's highly likely that he'll be back.  So yeah, I spend a lot of time thinking about it -- sometimes wishing for it, sometimes dreading it.  It would be easier if painting black were permanent.

[Suspicious1]

For me, thinking about recycling and knowing that it is highly likely is one of the biggest sticking points for moving on. 

Exactly this. I did make the decision to leave the relationship, and I know (on my sane days, which are far more frequent than not) that it was the right thing to do. It was a rubbish relationship where I was painted black every three months and was continually let down. I don't end relationships on the spur of the moment - I know I did it because I felt there was no other choice, and when I read my journal back I can see how unhappy I was leading up to it. Still, I have no idea why he was behaving the way he was at the time and that still haunts me.

In any case, there's this sticking point. It's the addiction, the trauma bonding. Every so often that craving pops up - less and less these days, but it's there. And I do have a fear that during a moment of weakness, it'll be my luck that he will make contact. Even if I don't re-engage with him (which is likely because I have far too much to lose and I already know how it will end) it will shake my world. It will cause me such a lot of pain, uncertainty, sadness and anger. At the same time, there are other moments where I really want the validation of an attempted recycle. Even if only to find out what really happened at the end. To help me answer some questions.

I'm aware none of it makes sense. I'm aware it's contradictory. I'm aware it's weak. But there it is.

[GreenEyedMonster]

You said it so well, Suspicious1.  If I were painted black forever, I'd just mourn it like a death and move on.  Nothing to be done, no decisions to make, no next chapter.  That would be easier.

When I have nights like last night where I would give anything to have him back, deal with anything, no cost too high, I know the recycle issue is going to be the biggest hurdle.  And if I, as a relatively healthy person, can get lonely enough to want him back that badly, it's only a matter of time before my exBPD feels the same way.

[sas1729]

Hey,

I have said this before but one of the interesting things that I have learned from this forum is just how often it seems pwBPD do recycle. From what I have learned about BPD it makes sense. Maybe I had one of the more uncommon experiences, but I didn't experience any recycling. We had fights and I was "sent away", but there was no mention of being broken up. But when we finally broke up, I initiated it. My BPDex had told me early into the relationship that she doesn't maintain contact with her exes. So oddly enough I never assumed that she would try to get back in touch with me. Over eight months later and she still has not.

BPD seems to be such a complicated PD that there must be several dimensions and spectrums. I can only imagine that my BPDex gained something from going completely NC when the breakup was official. From reading posts on this forum I feel very lucky.

[apollotech]

You said it so well, Suspicious1.  If I were painted black forever, I'd just mourn it like a death and move on.  Nothing to be done, no decisions to make, no next chapter.  That would be easier.

When I have nights like last night where I would give anything to have him back, deal with anything, no cost too high, I know the recycle issue is going to be the biggest hurdle.  And if I, as a relatively healthy person, can get lonely enough to want him back that badly, it's only a matter of time before my exBPD feels the same way.

Green and Suspicious1,

Why exactly is he in control of the "next chapter?" Why is your "moving on" contingent upon what he does? It takes two to recycle. Take your power back by taking responsibility for your actions. If you want to recycle then do it, but own that decision regardless of the outcome.

[JRT]

My story seems to be similar to others here: my ex BPDfiance and I recycled several times... .everything was cool for a sustained period and then came the last one out of nowhere. She disappeared and blocked me from communicating in every way shape and form including unfriending all of our common friends and convincing her friends to unfriend me. I am coming upon 11 months since this happened, and although I believe her to be stalking me on social media and has been silent calling me but I have not otherwise heard boo.

She is so incredibly avoidant to contact me, that a text message that I sent to her (I was not blocked and was able to send a follow up, etc.) resulted in a threat from an attorney to pursue a PPO against me (they had NO case and was just a scare tactic). Pushing this further, I filed a small claims court case to recover my engagement ring. Wouldn't you know that she went to the local police to see if the police could prevent me from suing her (since it was contact and 'she told me to not contact her' and a summons is, well, CONTACT!).

I wonder if the difference between those that recycle and keep in contact, even low contact, and those that do not is that some are BPD while others are comorbid with BPD and NPD as NPD appear to discard and never have much thoughts looking backwards.

[coldmist]

I've been wondering if my exgf who is undiagnosed BPD and NPD is ever going to attempt a recycle or not. It's been 5 months since we last spoke to each other and 3 months since she stopped stalking me in person (I assume FB stalking is still happening). I was split black and ghosted following some extreme push/pull behavior for triggering her engulfment fear. My ex has maintained contact with her exes despite the supposed bad things they did to her and even a guy who date rape drugged her at a party but she refuses to have any contact with me. I think it's because the stronger they feel, the more extreme the reaction they have.

[JRT]

 I think it's because the stronger they feel, the more extreme the reaction they have.[/quote]
This really resonated with me. I really think that you hit he nail on the head with this remark. My ex REALLY cared deeply for me, of that I am convinced. More so than any other relationship that she had and was with me 3X longer than any one of them including her marriage! I read a couple of posts here that made the same observation and wish that I could post some links. If its the fear of abandonment/engulfment, then (BPD) logic would dictate that fell deeply and the correspond fear was extreme. Hence the dramatic cutoff.

[SGraham]

Yeah i kinda wondered that. When we were together, there would be gaps were my ex would just randomly go dark for like a week and then wed be inexplicably ok again. My anxiety was killing me but i usually only made pretty feeble attempts at addressing how her actions were affecting me because i was so relieved we were ok - i know pretty weak. Anyway i havent spoken to my ex in 3 weeks and havent seen her in person in 6. Our last text convo was basically her telling me about her having BPD and explaining how she doesn't (though i think she means cant) love me anymore because of her disorder and expressed how i shouldn't take it personally. I know she feels bad about it to a degree because she chose to tell me via text but honestly i HIGHLY doubt she will ever attempt to recycle with me or even contact me again.

[greenmonkey]

My ex is a recycler, the two replacements in the last 9 months were both recycles.

I believe she also tried to recycle another ex whilst we were together - she inexplicably apparently got in touch with her telling her she was happy and now engaged - which I thought was weird, now I know she tried to recycle her and got rejected.

She will not be able to recycle me, as she has no methods of communication with me at all. She is still stalking me 9 months on, the last occasion being last week, late at night parked outside my house, on the other side of the fence line. She also stalks me on FB which has been proven and LinkedIn, all accounts are lock down and will remain that way.

I will be the one that got away, the one she can never have etc. I have learnt so much over the last 9 months, about me and how ill she really is and the fact that No-one can ever make her happy - that I am now moving on with my life, happier now than I have been in a long long while and no one will destroy that again.

[JohnnyShoes]

I've never stayed friends with my exgf's... .once it was over, it was over... .we moved on.

[enlighten me]

My exgf never recycles. I say never but I was her one and only recycle. It was a twenty year gap though. I am one of only two men to have dumped her and the only one to do it twice. She told me that when she decided a relationship was over she would split up and never contact them again.

I dont know if its guilt that causes this or her exs have been crossed off of her list of possibilities for being the one so she seeks another.

[Suspicious1]

Green and Suspicious1,

Why exactly is he in control of the "next chapter?" Why is your "moving on" contingent upon what he does? It takes two to recycle. Take your power back by taking responsibility for your actions. If you want to recycle then do it, but own that decision regardless of the outcome.

I worded the original post badly, I'm talking about the emotional effects of an attempted recycle, regardless of whether I engage in another relationship or not. I agree that if I wanted to get into another relationship with him, that would be my decision and the consequences of that would have been something I'd actively engaged in.

[shatra]

Greenmonkey wrote---

My ex is a recycler, the two replacements in the last 9 months were both recycles.

She will not be able to recycle me, as she has no methods of communication with me at all. She also stalks me on FB which has been proven

-----So she took up with and then it ended with one "replacement" who was an ex, and then did the same with a different ex and left her? 

-----Stalking on facebook is common with them, but how has "it been proven" if you can share that?  Facebook always insists there's "no way" to tell if someone has been looking at your page. 

     

----Did you have a final definite goodbye with her?

Shatra

[greenmonkey]

Shatra

she had a replacement who she was seeing when we were together - I found out and in no uncertain terms kicked her out after uncovering 3 years of lies and deceit, amongst all the silent treatment and abuse whilst we were living together. To my knowledge it ran its course and she recycled another ex which did not work out - where she is now no idea

there are ways of knowing if your profile has been looked at - it is obvious if you have no mutual friends, if you PM me I will let you know

as for a definite goodbye - I changed the locks, moved her stuff out for her, relocated a few hundred miles away after continuing stalking, sold the property - I think that is a definite goodbye - end of

There is no opportunity for her to recycle me, as there is no communication open for her to do. Any uninvited visits to my house will go on CCTV

[Eye438]

Suspicious,

    From what I've heard/learned past behaviors are really indicative of future with this condition. They aren't set in stone but if you know anything about their past you are likely to see a distinct pattern which should help you.

yes very true the past tells the real story, my ex kept in touch with her exes I found that to be odd. I just broke it after 5 hard years with her, I am very happy I am able to move on and let go, my life would be shortened otherwise meaning she was affecting my health. Living with a BPD is the most difficult draining thing I have ever done in my life, I am still decompressing. But it's only been a couple of months.