Post-breakup (been a few months), feeling awful from time to time

[crawler]

Hello everyone.

I'm an (sort of) old poster on this forum, mostly I was here to vent about my uBPDgf and sometimes trying to get some advice. I won't write my entire story here, if anyone is interested in reading some of my old topics, you can lurk up my previous posts or ask me questions here (this I would really enjoy actually)

Needless to say, the comfort and advice on these boards helped me, but not enough I'm afraid. I decided to leave her a few months ago.

The reason why I'm back here, even though she is gone out of my life (for the most part, we still chat via Skype from time to time) is because I'm having a really tough time coping with everything. For the most part, I still have this tiny voice in my head that is telling me that the break-up and the things that led to the said break-up were my fault. That somehow things could have been avoided. That I'm not good enough and that that is the reason things broke. That I'm missing out on something special with her.

At times, I can deal with these thoughts because I have people around me who kind of open my eyes to the ways she manipulated me. I sometimes read old emails from her and I instantly get disgusted with the amount of guilt-tripping and emotional abuse she used on me. I also remember the times when she was physically abusive.

One thing that is really mindf*cking me right now is how much she changed since we broke up. Basically, she took a complete rotation in her personality. All of a sudden she has a bunch of friends around her, mostly online friends (when we were together, she barely had one online friend, who also felt manipulated in a way). She also became this super positive person, when in the relationship she was the exact opposite. These things just make me feel... .cheated on somehow? Used. Tricked. If she had 1% of those positive thoughts and inspirations and motivations when we were together, things wouldn't go down this way. It just kills me seeing that she is doing way better without me, when I poured my heart and soul into her and our relationship and no matter what I did, nothing seemed enough.

Why I'm writing this here now... .I have no idea, honestly. I guess I'm just trying to find some encouragement. Someone who isn't directly in my life to tell me that yea, she has this personality disorder and that it wasn't my fault. I just need someone to lift doubt from my mind that all of the things she was doing and is doing now are a trick of a mind which can't perceive reality like you and me can.

I don't really know how to end this post, but yea, thanks for reading.

[repititionqueen]

Hi Crawler!

Welcome back! I understand the struggle of looking at your ex now and thinking how different they seem and questioning whether or not you did the right things in the relationship but the most important thing to remember is that if you were to get back together again, things will be the EXACT same. This positive attitude could even be part of pulling you in again. You aren't missing out on something special with her, she has a personality disorder and if you get back together you will just be cycling back into a pattern of emotional abuse that you experienced before. Continue to remind yourself of old emails and remember that she is still that person. The relationship level you've achieved now is probably the most stability you will be able to achieve with this person, simply because you are not together and she feels safe that way! Don't be so hard on yourself! If you were to be in a relationship again with this person the same abandonment fears would set in and she would likely lose all those friends and positivity by trying to control your relationship and emotionally manipulate you again.

Why do you continue to talk to her on Skype? Perhaps this is continuing to mess with your head and emotions?

[disorderedsociety]

Hello everyone.

I'm an (sort of) old poster on this forum, mostly I was here to vent about my uBPDgf and sometimes trying to get some advice. I won't write my entire story here, if anyone is interested in reading some of my old topics, you can lurk up my previous posts or ask me questions here (this I would really enjoy actually)

Needless to say, the comfort and advice on these boards helped me, but not enough I'm afraid. I decided to leave her a few months ago.

The reason why I'm back here, even though she is gone out of my life (for the most part, we still chat via Skype from time to time) is because I'm having a really tough time coping with everything. For the most part, I still have this tiny voice in my head that is telling me that the break-up and the things that led to the said break-up were my fault. That somehow things could have been avoided. That I'm not good enough and that that is the reason things broke. That I'm missing out on something special with her.

At times, I can deal with these thoughts because I have people around me who kind of open my eyes to the ways she manipulated me. I sometimes read old emails from her and I instantly get disgusted with the amount of guilt-tripping and emotional abuse she used on me. I also remember the times when she was physically abusive.

One thing that is really mindf*cking me right now is how much she changed since we broke up. Basically, she took a complete rotation in her personality. All of a sudden she has a bunch of friends around her, mostly online friends (when we were together, she barely had one online friend, who also felt manipulated in a way). She also became this super positive person, when in the relationship she was the exact opposite. These things just make me feel... .cheated on somehow? Used. Tricked. If she had 1% of those positive thoughts and inspirations and motivations when we were together, things wouldn't go down this way. It just kills me seeing that she is doing way better without me, when I poured my heart and soul into her and our relationship and no matter what I did, nothing seemed enough.

Why I'm writing this here now... .I have no idea, honestly. I guess I'm just trying to find some encouragement. Someone who isn't directly in my life to tell me that yea, she has this personality disorder and that it wasn't my fault. I just need someone to lift doubt from my mind that all of the things she was doing and is doing now are a trick of a mind which can't perceive reality like you and me can.

I don't really know how to end this post, but yea, thanks for reading.

What was it that drew you to her in the first place, if not her apparent positivity and zest for life?

My point is that its probably the way she knows will get her whatever it is she's looking for. Getting intimate (I don't mean physically) with such a person dismantles the facade and you get into their true feelings. That'd be an interesting, fun probably a little bumpy journey with an average person, but with a borderline you start to feel compassion for their woes, then you start relinquishing your time and energy to fix their supposed problems, then you resent it but you stay quiet. Then things boil and before you know it you're replaced with the next sucker who's dying to get a dose of abuse because that's all he knows.

YMMV but at this point I'd recommend writing down what exactly it is that draws you to her... .I don't mean her cute smile or pretty eyes, I mean the emotional undercurrents of the interactions you have. Did she make you feel safe? Wanted? I'd wager that our partners or ex partners who suffer from BPD, hold aspects (real or imaginary) that we wish we had in ourselves (but probably do, we just don't recognize them for what they are.)

[crawler]

This positive attitude could even be part of pulling you in again.

I'm not so sure about this. A month after the break up we kinda had a talk about "what's gonna happen next", since my mind was still telling me that maybe I should give it another go with her. Her responses back then were quite direct and very harsh. She told me that I gave up on her and that she moved on and that I need to move on as well. That all she wants is to be happy and that if she finds someone who makes her happy, she will be with that person. Those words really hit the feels and I was mindblown at how she can say those things to me after dating me for three years and saying before how I'm the one and only for her.

Why do you continue to talk to her on Skype? Perhaps this is continuing to mess with your head and emotions?

I don't know, honestly. Parts of me still care about her. Despite what she did to me, I still want her to be at least a friend to me. I don't know how to cut someone off just like that after sharing such a long time with them. But at the same time, yes, I realized that it's messing with me. I just find it so unfair that I put so much energy, time, money, patience, nerves, everything into her and got literally exhausted physically and emotionally, yet there she is now, being a new person and all of a sudden her life is glitter and rainbows. Maybe I'm selfish saying this, I don't know.

@disorderedsociety

That's really a difficult question... .

She never was positive to begin with. When I met her, she got out of another relationship and was pretty sad and depressed, sometimes talking about hurting herself through various means because of various things that were happening to her.

Your post really messed with my head haha. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what drew me towards her and I just don't know.  She didn't make me feel safe, nor did she make me feel wanted. I saw some sort of escape from my own life in her. I think I have some co-dependency traits which I have to work on and that's what sealed the deal when I met her, so to speak. Also, I guess I felt the duty to protect her, to save her from the things that bothered her, but I obviously failed.

As I said, you really shot a good question. Atm, I'm feeling horribly lonely, disappointed and just lost, so I guess my mind is running back to her because she was at least something, if you know what I mean.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Crawler,

 This is why it is so very important you work on yourself... .try to get focus off her.

We ALL wish we could fix them. We all love/loved. We all blame ourselves.

The problem is this... .

we are all here on this help board and they are out their living life with their "masked happiness" tormenting others. We are wallowing but they are moving.

They are disordered.  Please re-read what I just typed.

Disordered.

-You cannot change her

-You cannot make her better

-You are NOT responsible for HER actions

In a normal, healthy relationship you can COMMUNICATE. That communication is reciprocated.

Are we perfect and the problem is 100 percent the BPD?

No. We DID participate in the dance and clearly have our own self-love issues... .why we stayed with someone like this.

Crawler, I want to give you a   and I want you to hug yourself.  Go to a mirror and hug your self. Look in the mirror and say, "I love you, Man". You will laugh, trust me... .do it. It will send some healthy endorphins to your brain and make you smile.

I want to see that awesome smile.

You did something great.

You loved yourself enough to LEAVE. You took action.  You picked up your heart, dusted it off, put it back in your chest and walked away. Do you hear me? You PROTECTED yourself because deep down you love yourself and value Who. You. Are!

Doubt is normal. We all doubt, but our gut instincts... .you trusted your gut and made the right decision for you.  

I have been out of my relationship two months. I have my "would have, could have, should have" moments too.  It's completely normal to experience that.

All I can say is this... .it gets better. After three years of hell for me the fog is lifting. There will be days of doubt yet strength comes from plowing through the tough stuff.

Crawler, you are undefeatable.

Make that your mantra.

I AM UNDEFEATABLE.


Have an awesome day. Proud of you!

PW

PS. Her "personality changes" are just her changing up her game.  Mine is being different now too because she lost a ton of people, including some of her exes she had in rotation... .after witnessing what I went through with her they up and left, deleted her off Facebook all of that.

It's just a facade. It's the same facade she tricked you with only customized towards other people, new people in her life. Remember BPD's are chameleons. Do NOT take any of this to heart.  The patterns always repeat and they leave a trail of broken people in their wake. That never changes.

[SummerStorm]

Is she really positive now?  Is she really happy?  People, not just pwBPD, can make others see exactly what they want them to see.  If you are on social media, think about the things that you post.  :)o you post about how sad you are?  :)o you post about the awful things that happen to you?  I know I don't.  If you were to read my Twitter timeline, you wouldn't have any idea that, on June 16th, I was discarded by my former friend BPD in the coldest way imaginable, through text messages.

My former friend BPD would go around looking happy, would tell me that she was "busy" doing things and couldn't reply to me, would post pictures of her and her boyfriend on Facebook, looking happy.  All the time, she was cheating on her boyfriend, was basically just spending her time smoking pot, and was frequently raging at her boyfriend.  He texted me after she went into the hospital and said, "We've both been under a lot of stress the past two weeks."  A few days before that, she was telling me how happy she was.  

Think about how often you really see your ex.  You aren't with her 24 hours a day, and you don't even see her in person, only on Skype.  My former friend BPD made it look like she had it together and that she had suddenly made a bunch of new friends and didn't have time for me anymore.  I now know that wasn't the case.  She was smoking pot 3-4 times a day, every day.  That's it.  That's all she was doing.  

[Pretty Woman]

Crawler,

  I am going to piggyback off our friend Summer Storm's comment, if I may:

Here is a good example that they aren't as happy as they project.

Project. Key word here!

Two days ago my ex posted pictures of herself and her new love all over FB.  I can't see her profile, I deactivated mine but I have heard about some of the posts.  Right now, her enabler friend (who is a total loser she only speaks to when she is in a breakup or dating someone new---to create the facade she has "" friends) is hanging out with her and using her for her swimming pool. My ex is calling her her "bestie" and the things she has said about this person in the past has been the opposite. She has been vicious in her commentary of this person.

One of my exes ex's is friends with me and deleted her off FB. Our breakup made her remember how badly she was treated and she decided she didn't need to enable my ex anymore, even as a friend.  She noticed the only time my ex contacted her was during: breakups & meeting a new person. She is just a chess piece in my ex's game.

So my ex realizes she has been deleted and she texts this woman 25x within 2hrs.  She does the whole push pull, crying then calling this person names... .back and forth.

My ex's ex ignored it.

Yet all the while she is posting ridiculous erratic posts all over FB that she is in love and she wishes people would be happy for her and at least give her "well wishes" before unfriending her.

This is not a HAPPY person.  This is desperate person that is dysregulating because she is not getting what she wants. Her mask is slipping and she is losing key players that have helped enable the facade she is "" normal and capable of having a real relationship  She can post all she wants about love and being "in love"... .

She has NO concept of either of those two things.

Remember, Facebook is Facebook. No one is as happy as what they post on there. We always put our "best stuff" out on social media and again... .she is DISORDERED. It's even more "heightened and warped".

Hang in there! Do not believe everything you see.

PW

[crawler]

Thank you all, reading these things make me feel a little better. And special thanks to Pretty Woman, that first post of yours did make me smile!  

Right now my ex is surrounded by a few online "friends" who give her attention and I guess that puts her in her "happy" place.  It just seems awful to me though. One of those friends felt extremely manipulated by her before and he even talked to me about it. One other person got super close to her basically days after we broke up. He showered her with attention, a few days they were inseparable online, he even sent her some gifts, after which he got rejected (I think he had a crush on her though).

The last person that appeared really made me sick at first. Some random person she met online, who now is basically gonna arrange for her to have a trip towards him into a country that is really far away from hers. Don't get me wrong, I really couldn't care less if they end up romantically involved... .but I was just stunned by the amount of disrespect she showed towards me when telling me that. Our break up is still so fresh, she used to tell me that I'm her everything basically, and now she just blatantly tells me things like this. I could never imagine myself telling her such things, even if they were happening in my life. And on top of that, I find it ridiculous, because she got mad at me when I started hanging out with the person who used to be my best friend (whom I had to discard from my life before, because my ex was being jealous)

Either way, thank you for reading, spilling the beans here really makes me realize certain things.

[crawler]

Just a little update on my current situation after a few days.

I figured out that the thing that troubled me the most is that I just couldn't let go of the "injustice" (I'll use that word for a lack of a better term) that she did to me, all the manipulation and the physical, emotional harm. It bothered me that there is absolutely no way that she will ever realize how much she affected me in a negative way and as a result of this I kept having imaginary conversations with her in my head. I would think about what I would tell her if we would ever start talking about "us".

I still do this, but I realized that it's a toxic thing and I'm trying to let it go. I'm slowly detaching myself even further from her, we barely talk on Skype mostly when she speaks up first. I sincerely hope that she will be completely gone from my life at some point since that is for the best, yet I am still too weak to break it off entirely myself.