My "Body" was warning me - Still need Validation

[Depression = 72% of members]

This may sound strange. But I realized this after reading another's post about how he mentioned, that after 5 days... .although he feels bad, his Anxiety is gone!  - I suddenly remembered a few weeks ago, that I developed such anxiety as I lay on my bed. I broke out in hives and had trouble breathing. I wound up at the ER and was told I was experiencing high anxiety.

This happened again 2 weeks later while talking to my exuBPgf... .I breaking out in a rash... and blood pressure was elevating.

Im am just now realizing... .it was my BODY telling me something was Wrong ! It was my subconscious telling me... .or rather screaming... .

DON'T GO THERE... .or DON'T PROCEED ANY FURTHER.

The human mind and body is an amazing thing.

Now I just need to remain NC and recover.

It could have been worse for me.

I got out early with just some minor bruises this time.

My ex uBPgf is a person. Shes a living human being. I can care about her, but not at such an expense as when its harmful to me.

I had this rescue thing going on inside me. I cannot save anyone... .I cannot fix anyone.

I'm refuse to be a martyr and lay down my life (emotionally and mentally) and be wasted away.

I SAW that was exactly what would happen.

I'm rambling right now. I'm also venting a bit. I hope to hear back from others because I need validation as well. I need encouragement for walking away from this. I have no others to talk to about this.

Just some thoughts of where I am right now. Almost 24 hrs from Walking Away from a person I would NEVER *want* to hurt!

[JohnnyShoes]

This may sound strange. But I realized this after reading another's post about how he mentioned, that after 5 days... .although he feels bad, his Anxiety is gone!  - I suddenly remembered a few weeks ago, that I developed such anxiety as I lay on my bed. I broke out in hives and had trouble breathing. I wound up at the ER and was told I was experiencing high anxiety.

This happened again 2 weeks later while talking to my exuBPgf... .I breaking out in a rash... and blood pressure was elevating.

Im am just now realizing... .it was my BODY telling me something was Wrong ! It was my subconscious telling me... .or rather screaming... .

DON'T GO THERE... .or DON'T PROCEED ANY FURTHER.

The human mind and body is an amazing thing.

Now I just need to remain NC and recover.

It could have been worse for me.

I got out early with just some minor bruises this time.

My ex uBPgf is a person. Shes a living human being. I can care about her, but not at such an expense as when its harmful to me.

I had this rescue thing going on inside me. I cannot save anyone... .I cannot fix anyone.

I'm refuse to be a martyr and lay down my life (emotionally and mentally) and be wasted away.

I SAW that was exactly what would happen.

I'm rambling right now. I'm also venting a bit. I hope to hear back from others because I need validation as well. I need encouragement for walking away from this. I have no others to talk to about this.

Just some thoughts of where I am right now. Almost 24 hrs from Walking Away from a person I would NEVER *want* to hurt!

[Yolanda123]

Hi JohnnyShoes,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this – getting out of a relationship with someone with BPD can be very confusing and painful. You came to the right place – there’s lots of caring and understanding people here and this board has helped me tremendously since my b/u with my exBPDbf (almost 2 months now).

Keep reading, posting, venting. It helps to get the emotions out to people who understand what you’re going through.

You did the right thing listening to your body and your guts and getting out of a relationship that was toxic for you. For me, remaining NC has been essential to my detaching and healing. Even though I’ve had (and still have) urges to contact my exBPDbf at times, I know that nothing good could come out, only further chaos and pain. You are right that you can’t save her, fix her, no matter how much you love her….only herself can decide to do that. Your job is to focus on your recovery, your needs. Take care of yourself and give yourself lots of credit for walking away early 

[OopsIDidItAgain]

You know... The same thing happened to me. I was on anti-anxiety meds because it was only thing that helped control my temper when we fought. I found out all I was doing with these was putting myself to sleep so we wouldn't fight. That is no way to live. Needing to medicate yourself just to be in a relationship. I also had another issue that is a little to TMI to share. But my body was telling me a lot too. It's funny how it all went away once I listened.

I liked when you said she is a person and you can still care about her. I feel like so many people don't understand that. I have so many friends and family telling me to "forget about her" It's hard to just forget about a person you care about.

No contact has helped he greatly, as well as therapy.  Even when my ex girlfriend sent me a text a couple days back... I stood my ground and did not respond. I love her but the only way she is ever going to get help is to realize she needs it and follows through with therapy and continues to take her Bipolar medication. My enabling her isn't healthy for either one of us even though like you, I have a rescuer thing going on. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Johnny,

We all process differently.  I read this week someone explaining that healing is not linear.  

I relate to that.  At first, I was devastated, gut wrenching devastation.  When I walked out of that feeling ever so slowly... . I felt I was trudging along nicely.  Then last week, normal external events occurred and triggered a different emotional turmoil within me to process.  I am processing waves after waves... .in some irregular "pattern."  With lulls as well. 

However, the experience of these feelings, is what reassures me that I am indeed processing and that this is a beneficial thing.

I am sorry for your pain you are having.  I only imagine that it feels so huge and engulfing and all there is at this moment.

I have been wondering some thoughts... .

I wonder if the reason our pain and attachment to these r/s is that they are mostly a form of a trauma bond.

I made another post about it already, but wonder if you relate, or if it helps you... .

Intense relationships also tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

Second. the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it. It would be normal in this state to believe that something is horribly wrong with leaving (even if it seems equally true that something is horribly wrong with staying. If it can be understood that abstinence from unnatural intensity will eventually restore normal relating capacity, the period of distress can be better endured.www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

[JohnnyShoes]

Hi JohnnyShoes,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this – getting out of a relationship with someone with BPD can be very confusing and painful. You came to the right place – there’s lots of caring and understanding people here and this board has helped me tremendously since my b/u with my exBPDbf (almost 2 months now).

Keep reading, posting, venting. It helps to get the emotions out to people who understand what you’re going through.

You did the right thing listening to your body and your guts and getting out of a relationship that was toxic for you. For me, remaining NC has been essential to my detaching and healing. Even though I’ve had (and still have) urges to contact my exBPDbf at times, I know that nothing good could come out, only further chaos and pain. You are right that you can’t save her, fix her, no matter how much you love her….only herself can decide to do that. Your job is to focus on your recovery, your needs. Take care of yourself and give yourself lots of credit for walking away early 

Thanks Yolanda123 ! Every but helps.

[JohnnyShoes]

PX1983 : Thanks. Everyone's response gives me that little extra strength to keep away from making C.

Sunflower: (sorry if I got your name wrong/ I'm on mobile and its difficult to navigate)

Yes, I've heard of Trauma Bonding. It was after a previous relationship that really was my baptism into all of this.

Much to think about and ponder. Right now I must prepare and get ready for a job interview. I must find the strength for this.

[jhkbuzz]

We all process differently.  I read this week someone explaining that healing is not linear.

[JQ]

This may sound strange. But I realized this after reading another's post about how he mentioned, that after 5 days... .although he feels bad, his Anxiety is gone!  - I suddenly remembered a few weeks ago, that I developed such anxiety as I lay on my bed. I broke out in hives and had trouble breathing. I wound up at the ER and was told I was experiencing high anxiety.

This happened again 2 weeks later while talking to my exuBPgf... .I breaking out in a rash... and blood pressure was elevating.

Im am just now realizing... .it was my BODY telling me something was Wrong ! It was my subconscious telling me... .or rather screaming... .

DON'T GO THERE... .or DON'T PROCEED ANY FURTHER.

The human mind and body is an amazing thing.

Now I just need to remain NC and recover.

It could have been worse for me.

I got out early with just some minor bruises this time.

My ex uBPgf is a person. Shes a living human being. I can care about her, but not at such an expense as when its harmful to me.

I had this rescue thing going on inside me. I cannot save anyone... .I cannot fix anyone.

I'm refuse to be a martyr and lay down my life (emotionally and mentally) and be wasted away.

I SAW that was exactly what would happen.

I'm rambling right now. I'm also venting a bit. I hope to hear back from others because I need validation as well. I need encouragement for walking away from this. I have no others to talk to about this.

Just some thoughts of where I am right now. Almost 24 hrs from Walking Away from a person I would NEVER *want* to hurt!

Johnny!

I can relate to the anxiety ... .my ex BPD gf put me in the hospital for 3 days at the hight of the relationship. I has chest pains for 3 days and I had one of our "OCS" check my bp everyday ... .everyday it was 190/80 ... .against his advice I decided to not to go to the hospital. On the third day it radiated to my left arm ... .classic sign of the big one right? I still chose not to go to the hospital ... .until I was escorted to the ER against my will where they preceded to stick an IV in me, administer meds, and I got the attention of everyone in the ER ... .I ended up taking two hits of nitroglycerin to open up my arteries and prevent the pending heart attack. It was while I was sitting in the hospital that I decided that I needed to make a change ... .like you my body was telling me that this was a bad situation and it was going to kill me if I didn't resolve it.  When I think  back about my first ex BPD gf she also had me in such as situation of high blood pressure, high anxiety that I nearly went to the hospital for the same thing ... .I was only 33 ... .I knew I needed to make a change then and did. Funny how we have to be reminded about some lessons we learned earlier in life.

In my research of BPD and the NON S/O in the relationship ... .well ... .if they have a lifetime relationship with someone who has BPD ... .that lifetime will be shorten. There are studies to suggest that the added stress, anxiety, the day to day pressure they endure will play havoc with their body ... .their immune system ... .all of it ... .they tend to live a shorter life. SO ... .since I tend to live a long happy life ... .it was in my best interest again to leave this toxic relationship ... .as someone said ... .I can't control it ... .I can't cure it ... .I sure as hell didn't cause it ... .I'm responsible for me ... .and only me in this life. I'm not responsible for anyone else happiness ... .I would like to share a life of fun filled day to day adventure ... .but I'm happy by myself as well ... .certainly better off then with someone who has BPD in my life ... .

Like you said ... .in 5 days the anxiety might disappear ... .and as I've said before ... .call a friend / buddy up ... .go get that burger and beer today ... .occupy yourself and your time with exercise ... .I just rode 20 miles this morning ... .took a shower and might go get that burger and beer myself ... .maybe even a movie ... .but I feel a lot better after the bike ride ... .go for a walk ... .get out and enjoy that sun ... .it's the small things in life ... .

It's ok to vent ... .read what others have experienced ... .we're all here to help where we can ... .share a story ... .give you needed support and assistance where and when and how you need it ... .

stay strong ... .be safe ... .enjoy the day !

JQ

[JohnnyShoes]

JQ - thanks for the tid bit.

My back problems clearing up DRAMATICALLY!

High Anxiety lowered to hardly any.

My house problems after a bad rain storm were Fixed... .AND I land a job.

Its a blessing from God.

Great idea about getting out and doing stuff, keeping busy and exercising.

I tried to each morning.

I should be returning to that once my back us 100%.

But I am walking 4 miles a day. It really helps to chase all that crazy crp they fill your head with.

Been NC. But I really dont give a crp anymore. I'm not feeling guilty and I can SEE a lot clearer about what I was just in... .AND how lucky I was to just get a preview. ... .

Gotta Listen To Your Gut !

Thanks bud.

JohnnyShoes

[JQ]

JQ - thanks for the tid bit.

My back problems clearing up DRAMATICALLY!

High Anxiety lowered to hardly any.

My house problems after a bad rain storm were Fixed... .AND I land a job.

Its a blessing from God.

Great idea about getting out and doing stuff, keeping busy and exercising.

I tried to each morning.

I should be returning to that once my back us 100%.

But I am walking 4 miles a day. It really helps to chase all that crazy crp they fill your head with.

Been NC. But I really dont give a crp anymore. I'm not feeling guilty and I can SEE a lot clearer about what I was just in... .AND how lucky I was to just get a preview. ... .

Gotta Listen To Your Gut !

Thanks bud.

JohnnyShoes

Johnny,

Great news on getting out and walking 4 miles (THATS AWESOME) and glad to hear the back is healing up. Congrats on the job again !  Glad to hear your not feeling any remorse or guilty as you shouldn't ! 

Stay strong my friend!  Stay in touch and stop in every once in a while as needed or to let us know how you're doing with the new job ... .the back and the house.

You're welcome

JQ