MiserableDaughter, you commented on my first post the other night. You told me you felt fear like I did and to read some of your posts. I just figured out how to do that. I think!
I have read a bit of this thread and I can so identify with what you are saying here. I can identify with a lot of the behaviors your mother does and the things she says to your son as well. The intensity of the fear and the guilt... .I can feel it as I read your words. I feel it as strongly as I feel my own fear after finally writing my own letter to my mother last night and setting a boundary ("I will not tolerate you attacking my character like that. You can be angry at me but you will not attack my character. I want a good relationship with you but if you continue to accuse me and can not treat me like an adult and with respect I will have to limit my contact with you." It was my first time putting a boundary into words. Other boundaries lately have included telling her I can not attend family get togethers when I am too stretched for time. This has undone her to no end. Basically the boundary is just saying no and then not bending when I see her pout in any way. I don't know how to describe her pouting without going into a long explanation but I think you might know what I am talking about. It usually involves talking about how she feels to other people in front of me so I can hear it. And then I used to jump at it and do what she wanted. I stopped doing that a while ago. It feels good, but it is exhausting and I hate the tension.
That has been my experience with boundaries.
I don't know if you are old enough to remember the original Wonder Woman TV show. She had these bracelets on her wrists that she would hold up and deflect bullets. I feel like I'm doing that ALL.THE. TIME. I get so tired of it that some time I just prefer to not be around her or the family. And so it all has a cost. Going, not going. I seem to pay for any choice I make.
She has ruled with fear. And that is what I hear coming from you. So I can relate and understand. I am not sure what I did to step out of that. I feel a little further along out of the guilt. I am more angered and grieved and frustrated. I recognize it for what it is. But it REALLY pushes my buttons and it hurts. However the setting boundaries is newer and very exhausting for me and a bit nerve wracking. No one ever said it would be so exhausting. Unless I'm doing something wrong. I fantasize about moving away. I also have done a TON of therapy and reading and journaling and that has helped. I have been lucky enough to have a couple of really healthy friends over the years that I would let in close with this topic and they were my "truth tellers" and repeatedly kept telling me the truth over and over again. That helped too. But I've not "arrived" by any stretch of the imagination or I wouldn't have just joined a message board last night posting that I was terrified.
I have a lot of learning and growing to do. But the hold of the guilt just doesn't seem to be as intense anymore. It's there when the whole family is involved. Maybe more complex because I am the oldest sibling of so many. And I took on the parent role to them... .maybe not guilt but fear of disappointing all of my siblings because she paints a picture of me to them as "the bad one." Or whatever she is unhappy with me about in the moment since I didn't please her. And the family pull is a strong one.
Bless you.
