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married21years
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« on: July 31, 2015, 01:44:47 AM » |
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last night was a breakthrough, she is being more open and honest and owning up to her lies.
she has being trying to force herself to love me but this was during her hazy lying period of denial.
now she is getting better i think is the time to try and rekindle our friendship.
i know there is something she has that is hurting her, but she is not strong enough to tell me.
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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
 This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
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married21years
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« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2015, 04:06:21 AM » |
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please help guys
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2015, 04:32:52 AM » |
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Hi married21years, last night was a breakthrough, she is being more open and honest and owning up to her lies.
she has being trying to force herself to love me but this was during her hazy lying period of denial.
now she is getting better i think is the time to try and rekindle our friendship.
i know there is something she has that is hurting her, but she is not strong enough to tell me. Did she actually say this? "I have been trying to force myself to love you, but this was during my hazy lying period of denial". I'm not quite sure I understand? She wants to end us ~vs~ now she is getting better i think is the time to try and rekindle our friendship. What kind of help would you like right now, married21years? |
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married21years
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2015, 05:30:39 AM » |
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i dont know i love her i am hurting
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123Phoebe
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« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2015, 05:36:46 AM » |
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Hang in there and keep posting if you're up for it, okay?
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married21years
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« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2015, 06:30:34 AM » |
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thx i am fighting for my marriage
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formflier
Retired Staff
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
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« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2015, 06:41:46 AM » |
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thx i am fighting for my marriage We'd love to help you... .but I think we will need some more details. How are you doing working through the lessons? Which one seems to be an area you are struggling in? FF |
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married21years
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« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2015, 01:22:56 AM » |
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she has decided we shouldnt try again, we are still talking everything is calm, she just wants to end it.
we were doing so well being open and honest and rebuilding the trust
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Vindi
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« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2015, 10:18:17 AM » |
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21 years of marriage is a long time... .is she up to marriage counseling, or does she just want to end it? do you have children
together?
Has these feeling been building up within the past few years or longer, or are these recent feeling.
The hardest part is ending a bond, and you've had a bond for so long, but if she doesn't want to work on the relationship or be in it, she is being honest... .and you deserve to be loved fully and completely in any relationship.
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2015, 12:07:18 PM » |
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Married, sorry to hear she is telling you these things and from personal experience I know it is difficult to hear and especially from the one we love. Don't "buy into" her feelings of this moment as they can change. Have you read the article on push/pull? Do your best to separate what she is saying from you. Try and validate any emotion if you can and if you can't, just let her talk and just listen. I know it's very difficult especially when we hear those things. If you have been following my threads, by wife switches back and forth and realize now it is based on when she is "overloaded" with emotion from circumstances and she's looking for an outlet. They need a safe place. Can you share with us more about your family situation?
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married21years
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« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2015, 01:52:28 AM » |
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hi guys, yes this is push pull
it has been push pull for 21 years of marriage.
after 20 years of marriage i decided to show her exactly what i thought of her.
this destroyed the relationship as she recoiled from my love.
there was a year of craziness, where she tried everything to get me not to love her then there was a split.
now we are in the situation of limbo. i want to get back together. but she wants to keep me at arms length and is holding me away.
i have worked away all my life in order to have respite from the craziness
my daughter is now 18 and i have been the major breadwinner and a workaholic.
i just want to give it one last try but she dosnt believe that i can change, but i am i am dealing with my issues.
thx everyone
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formflier
Retired Staff
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Gender:
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
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« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2015, 06:12:08 AM » |
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We'll help you sort through your how to best go about this.
Can you tell us a bit about what she claims are "your issues".
FF
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married21years
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« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2015, 06:38:28 AM » |
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i loved her too much
treated her too well
and smothered her with love, although i am stopping that now, the conversations are very defensive by her and she dosnt like to discuss us trying to resolve anything
she is a borderline waif that like to blame me for everything, i dont know how to get through the pushing me away
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formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
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« Reply #13 on: August 04, 2015, 10:10:09 AM » |
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Stop trying to "get through" it... .that seems (to them) that they are being chased... .so they continue to run or "push" away.
The attitude is for you to stay in touch... .but be nonchalant. Listen for emotions to validate... .when they want to go do something else... .you go enjoy yourself... .
They will slowly start to calm down... .and be more open. Even possibly might try to "pull" you in. Don't rush in... .stay "centered"... .while they flit from one side to another of the push/pull spectrum.
FF
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married21years
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« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2015, 02:08:48 AM » |
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thanks FF
what a rollercoaster, she has reconnected and is discussing things better, we discussed the push pull thing and she sort of agreed to think about it.
she realizes there is a pattern and has agreed to think about discussing it with her therapist, she is scared about me coming home.
i am being centered and calm and i am getting through to her.
our mutual friend has said that he will have to reduce contact if we split as he dosnt want to be perceived as the reason. and she is enmeshing with him. and idolizes him.
he is getting through and in constant contact with me.
i am trying to stay strong have group CODA tonight
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #15 on: August 06, 2015, 04:31:08 PM » |
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How did your group meeting go? Are things still on track, or is she pushing you away again? I really feel for you. Twenty one years is a lot of time to spend with someone. And really, how can you love someone too much? I'd say you'd done a good job for her to even say such a thing! She might not view it as a positive, but lots of us with BPD partners would love to feel loved in that way.
Hang in there, and keep us posted.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #16 on: August 06, 2015, 05:47:31 PM » |
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And really, how can you love someone too much? It is easy to do with the waif/hermit. My husband has flat out told me that he doesn't deserve my love. I think it is too much because I sometimes think that I love him more than he loves himself. If he feels unlovable and I am loving him so much, then that creates cognitive dissonance. I think any amount of love is too much for some. My husband had told me that he need to learn how to accept my love rather than push it away. In order for him to do that, he has to learn to love himself first. |
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formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
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« Reply #17 on: August 07, 2015, 07:51:37 AM » |
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he has to learn to love himself first. Accepting yourself is first step... .do you think he "accepts" who he is... .and is struggling to love... .or is there still denial or fantasy about his "true" self? FF |
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married21years
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« Reply #18 on: August 07, 2015, 08:38:24 AM » |
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she hates herself i know why but cant tell her
arghhhhhhhhh
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #19 on: August 07, 2015, 09:24:34 AM » |
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he has to learn to love himself first. Accepting yourself is first step... .do you think he "accepts" who he is... .and is struggling to love... .or is there still denial or fantasy about his "true" self? I don't think he accepts who he is just yet. I think he still sees himself as a bad person. He is working on it though. |
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married21years
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« Reply #20 on: August 10, 2015, 01:33:48 AM » |
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guys that is exactly the problem but how do i explain that to her.
the issue is she cannot accept i love her or allow me too
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formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
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« Reply #21 on: August 10, 2015, 08:09:38 AM » |
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how do i explain that to her. Don't... . Let her eventually sort it out... . Try to support her emotions in the meantime... . Most of the time... .when we "nons" start thinking... ."if I could just "explain" this to them... ." It usually leads down a bad road. There are times when we need to say our "truth"... .and we have tools on here to help with that. FF |
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married21years
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« Reply #22 on: August 10, 2015, 08:21:00 AM » |
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thx ill try
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