Do you let your borderline -ex to insult you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello   My question is if you still let your ex to insult you ( when you see each other or have some arrangements to be made with him/her). Moreover how do you react if they insult you - do you just go away or try to talk to them?

[lm911]

Hello   My question is if you still let your ex to insult you ( when you see each other or have some arrangements to be made with him/her). Moreover how do you react if they insult you - do you just go away or try to talk to them?

[rotiroti]

"I am going to walk away if you continue to insult me"

*insult*


walk away





set firm boundaries and act on them to show them you're serious!

[klacey3]

I try to be calm and just ignore it or tell him to stop being a child.

Sometimes he says things so aggravating that I do insult him back and then I feel bad about it later.

It is extremely hard not to when your buttons are being pushed. Mine always used to say hurtful things about his ex while we were together. If i didnt do as he said or i annoyed him he would threaten to get back with his ex/meet her/say his family like her more than me. Then later on he would say he didnt mean it he just said it to hurt me.

Recently he told me (since broken up) he got back with her while telling me i was the love of his life and life means nothing without me. I told him i would never be with him again and now he is back to saying his family warned him about me and always liked his ex better and they always thought i was a spoilt trip.

I am hurt beyond words and extremely angry. So yes I have insulted him back by telling him he is manipulative horrible and a liar. I wish I didnt feel bad for it... .

[lm911]

Same here klacey3.

Although I know they are like children and disordered sometimes I do attack back. It is pointless because, they don't understand, but somehow I just can't let someone take away my worh so obviously.

[klacey3]

Same here klacey3.

Although I know they are like children and disordered sometimes I do attack back. It is pointless because, they don't understand, but somehow I just can't let someone take away my worh so obviously.

What sort of things do you say back? Do you ever feel guilty or apologise after?

[lm911]

I don't use rude words, I try to explain logical ( altough it can't help) and sometimes I just say that she is disordered and should take care of her mental condition. I have apologised but after she said that the apologise did not help because it was not sincere and was manipulative I stopped to apologise.

[klacey3]

I don't use rude words, I try to explain logical ( altough it can't help) and sometimes I just say that she is disordered and should take care of her mental condition. I have apologised but after she said that the apologise did not help because it was not sincere and was manipulative I stopped to apologise.

That doesnt sound insulting at all. Very reasonable

[Mutt]

I don't use rude words, I try to explain logical ( altough it can't help) and sometimes I just say that she is disordered and should take care of her mental condition. I have apologised but after she said that the apologise did not help because it was not sincere and was manipulative I stopped to apologise.

Hi lm911  

I can understand how frustrating that would be explaining logic with someone that struggles with distorted beliefs, emotional dysregulations, cognitive distortions, anxiety, depression, PTSD, feelings of emptiness, shame, guilt... .

To a pwBPD feelings equals facts whereas facts are followed by feelings. With that being said, why do you tell her she is mentally ill? How would that feel like if someone told us we're mentally ill? What would our emotional response be?

I understand that my ex partner is mentally ill and her reality is as real to her as my reality is to me. Reality is open to debate and emotions and feelings are real.

If she insults me, I understand that perhaps she feels rejected, jealous, competitive, anxious, shame and that its driven by the disorder and I depersonalize her behaviors. I also understand that if she is emotionally dysregulated communication can be very difficult and I use the tools and if that doesn't work, there's nothing that I can do and I give her space.  The most radical act is to do nothing.

[valet]

Towards the last 6 months of the relationship, she began picking on me.

I told her I didn't appreciate it, and continued to do so if she persisted. She did it less and less the more I communicated my boundaries to her.

[klacey3]

I don't use rude words, I try to explain logical ( altough it can't help) and sometimes I just say that she is disordered and should take care of her mental condition. I have apologised but after she said that the apologise did not help because it was not sincere and was manipulative I stopped to apologise.

Hi lm911  

I can understand how frustrating that would be explaining logic with someone that struggles with distorted beliefs, emotional dysregulations, cognitive distortions, anxiety, depression, PTSD, feelings of emptiness, shame, guilt... .

To a pwBPD feelings equals facts whereas facts are followed by feelings. With that being said, why do you tell her she is mentally ill? How would that feel like if someone told us we're mentally ill? What would our emotional response be?

I understand that my ex partner is mentally ill and her reality is as real to her as my reality is to me. Reality is open to debate and emotions and feelings are real.

If she insults me, I understand that perhaps she feels rejected, jealous, competitive, anxious, shame and that its driven by the disorder and I depersonalize her behaviors. I also understand that if she is emotionally dysregulated communication can be very difficult and I use the tools and if that doesn't work, there's nothing that I can do and I give her space.  The most radical act is to do nothing.

Wise words Mutt

Just curious though... how can you get them to see they ate mentally ill and need help without telling them? Are you saying it is not a good idea to tell them?

[Circle]

When I'm centered I try to let insults roll off me. Or agression, same thing. Lots of times, I'm not centered though and I do the worst possible thing and react. Insults aren't really that big of a deal in the scheme of bad behaviors, in my opinion. I definitely am not tolerant of that around other people though. For instance, I have become very upset with my BPD person, after the event, when they socially insulted me. Usually though, I let it roll off.

My BPD person did make efforts to become diagnosed. The only thing I can think of, is that they saw me making the same efforts too. My own admitting of mental struggles; seeing a counselor, attending anger management counseling, and admitting my own weakness. Really, aren't we all imperfect mentally, in one way or another?

[Mutt]

I don't use rude words, I try to explain logical ( altough it can't help) and sometimes I just say that she is disordered and should take care of her mental condition. I have apologised but after she said that the apologise did not help because it was not sincere and was manipulative I stopped to apologise.

Hi lm911  

I can understand how frustrating that would be explaining logic with someone that struggles with distorted beliefs, emotional dysregulations, cognitive distortions, anxiety, depression, PTSD, feelings of emptiness, shame, guilt... .

To a pwBPD feelings equals facts whereas facts are followed by feelings. With that being said, why do you tell her she is mentally ill? How would that feel like if someone told us we're mentally ill? What would our emotional response be?

I understand that my ex partner is mentally ill and her reality is as real to her as my reality is to me. Reality is open to debate and emotions and feelings are real.

If she insults me, I understand that perhaps she feels rejected, jealous, competitive, anxious, shame and that its driven by the disorder and I depersonalize her behaviors. I also understand that if she is emotionally dysregulated communication can be very difficult and I use the tools and if that doesn't work, there's nothing that I can do and I give her space.  The most radical act is to do nothing.

Wise words Mutt

Just curious though... how can you get them to see they ate mentally ill and need help without telling them? Are you saying it is not a good idea to tell them?

It can be difficult for a person to accept that they have mental illnes and to be told that they have a personality disorder the person may feel like stigmatized with little support. A pwBPD will often project anything that is negative about them and you may be accused with having BPD and you could say anxiety and depression if you were going to support a loved one because it's less stigmatized?

When I'm centered I try to let insults roll off me. Or agression, same thing. Lots of times, I'm not centered though and I do the worst possible thing and react.

That's a good point Circle that we're not always centered and a pwBPD can get the best of us at times.

My BPD person did make efforts to become diagnosed. The only thing I can think of, is that they saw me making the same efforts too. My own admitting of mental struggles; seeing a counselor, attending anger management counseling, and admitting my own weakness. Really, aren't we all imperfect mentally, in one way or another?

[lm911]

I don't use rude words, I try to explain logical ( altough it can't help) and sometimes I just say that she is disordered and should take care of her mental condition. I have apologised but after she said that the apologise did not help because it was not sincere and was manipulative I stopped to apologise.

Hi lm911  

I can understand how frustrating that would be explaining logic with someone that struggles with distorted beliefs, emotional dysregulations, cognitive distortions, anxiety, depression, PTSD, feelings of emptiness, shame, guilt... .

To a pwBPD feelings equals facts whereas facts are followed by feelings. With that being said, why do you tell her she is mentally ill? How would that feel like if someone told us we're mentally ill? What would our emotional response be?

I understand that my ex partner is mentally ill and her reality is as real to her as my reality is to me. Reality is open to debate and emotions and feelings are real.

If she insults me, I understand that perhaps she feels rejected, jealous, competitive, anxious, shame and that its driven by the disorder and I depersonalize her behaviors. I also understand that if she is emotionally dysregulated communication can be very difficult and I use the tools and if that doesn't work, there's nothing that I can do and I give her space.  The most radical act is to do nothing.

Saying she is ill is the truth. If she can't accept it or listen to it, then she/he will continue to make the same mistakes. I am not proud of saying such things but I like I said I can't always keep my mouth shut or go away with a head down, after being insulted, because I am tired of hearing how awful I am and how I am still blamed for her present life, altough we are not together.

To sum up there is no win, you can win with a damaged person. Anything you do, or say will lead you to be blamed. Everyone should find their best way to react to insults in order to feel in peace with himself.

[klacey3]

I don't use rude words, I try to explain logical ( altough it can't help) and sometimes I just say that she is disordered and should take care of her mental condition. I have apologised but after she said that the apologise did not help because it was not sincere and was manipulative I stopped to apologise.

Hi lm911  

I can understand how frustrating that would be explaining logic with someone that struggles with distorted beliefs, emotional dysregulations, cognitive distortions, anxiety, depression, PTSD, feelings of emptiness, shame, guilt... .

To a pwBPD feelings equals facts whereas facts are followed by feelings. With that being said, why do you tell her she is mentally ill? How would that feel like if someone told us we're mentally ill? What would our emotional response be?

I understand that my ex partner is mentally ill and her reality is as real to her as my reality is to me. Reality is open to debate and emotions and feelings are real.

If she insults me, I understand that perhaps she feels rejected, jealous, competitive, anxious, shame and that its driven by the disorder and I depersonalize her behaviors. I also understand that if she is emotionally dysregulated communication can be very difficult and I use the tools and if that doesn't work, there's nothing that I can do and I give her space.  The most radical act is to do nothing.

Saying she is ill is the truth. If she can't accept it or listen to it, then she/he will continue to make the same mistakes. I am not proud of saying such things but I like I said I can't always keep my mouth shut or go away with a head down, after being insulted, because I am tired of hearing how awful I am and how I am still blamed for her present life, altough we are not together.

To sum up there is no win, you can win with a damaged person. Anything you do, or say will lead you to be blamed. Everyone should find their best way to react to insults in order to feel in peace with himself.

I agree with what you say, it is the truth and I can see why you said it. You wanted them to realise it.

I recently tried it with my ex. Only I was very harsh about it which I very much regret. He made a threat "if you dont stop being a **** by ignoring me i will give u something to be upset about" followed by telling me how his family were disgusted at me for how I have apparently been acting and how he wished he had never met me as i was the most horrible person he met. When i replied he said he would do anything to be with me and how im the love of his life etc... i lost it because I was so angry and bluntly told him he was acting like a stalker and he needed to see a doctor and counsellor for his issues. I also told him i think he is a manipulative controlling twat when he spoke of only going to a doctor if i went with him and wanting to kill himself if im not with him, plus telling me how he got back with his ex after we broke up...

I feel bad about it but how can we not get angry... sometimes I think its unfair how they can say and do what they like but we are expected to be nice back.

[lm911]

Your last sentence is very important. We should stop being their caretaker, meaning stop feeling the guilt, and start thinking about us, how everything affect us.

[Mutt]

Hi lm911,

Be open to everything and attached to nothing.

I am not proud of saying such things but I like I said I can't always keep my mouth shut or go away with a head down, after being insulted, because I am tired of hearing how awful I am and how I am still blamed for her present life, altough we are not together.

I can understand not feeling proud and frustrated with being blamed for someone else's circumstances and we can control how we emotionally respond or not respond. You're not responsible for her circumstances and denial / blame. It's the attachment that makes us suffer. Do you feel like you're still emotionally attached? Why defend?

Here's a different way. If you don't defend and display the emotional attachment do you think that she may eventually pay less attention? Negative attention is still attention. She self loathes / hates her self and is a broken, frightened child and projects her actions and feelings. This is BPD.