So completely confused 3: I need some strength, guys..

[TheRiddler]

Hey everyone,

I haven't been posting on here for quite a while because to tell you the truth, it's been going pretty well for me. 

Here's a refresher for those who don't remember my (familiar) tale: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271601.0

It's been going on 7 months since the official breakup, and recently I've been doing well and focusing on what's important to me.  I worked at a job for a while and then when that was over I took to working on some independent projects that I've been wanting to work on for quite a while.  I've been dating quite a bit, too; I met my share of people who sent out obvious red flags and I was able to put that in its proper perspective, and not take it personally.  And there were some others I just wasn't interested in.

And then something hit me during the last week and a half.  I have this feeling of loss and missing my exBPD that's indescribable.  My Mom, who was the majority of my support system during the debacle, has been trying to speak truth to me and reminding me that trying to get back in touch with her wouldn't be a good idea.  I feel the same and understand the risk, that I'd be right back to where I was when we initially broke up, yet the feeling remains.  There's no intellectualizing it or reasoning with it.  I still have feelings, but it's been about 7 months and the last we spoke she said very plainly she's not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, I have a scary, sneaking suspicion that in this time she's not only found someone else, but she's achieved the mindset that any attempt to speak to her would be met with "I don't feel the same way."  I'm just lost and in pain.  Not as bad as I was, mind you; things have significantly improved.  But it's disheartening to think that I'm still vulnerable to ebbs in my emotional comfort like this.

I'm going to be speaking to my therapist next week.  I'm getting this feeling that scares me to death because it's similar to one I had when I was in the deepest throes of pain: I'd like to see if there's a chance between us to at least try one more time.  I know the odds are greatly against it working, and there's a great chance it'd hurt tremendously should it fail, but at the very least, I'd be that much more validated in my thoughts and feelings after the first time.  I could use some kind, supportive help here, guys; I'm just feeling weak and it's scary as hell.

[enlighten me]

Hi riddler

I can understand where your at. I was the same with my ex wife. sometimes you have to rip the band aid off. By this i mean you have to go through some pain and what i would advise is to prepare for the worst. She may well have met someone else and be in a relationship. By preparing for this possibility it will help you detatch and think clearer. It will also soften the blow if it happens.

[Samuel S.]

It is very understandable that you have all of the mixed emotions that you have been feeling. You put a lot of time and a lot of effort into that relationship. You have the deep seated desire to try again; yet, you know the chances are rather strong it probably will not work out. Your mother feels the same way.

May I suggest that you think of your dating scene as a way to process of what works and what does not work. You know in your heart that certain people do not click with you, that there is no hope with them. Frankly, your experiences with them are a good learning tool due to your experiences with your BPD and are the signs of things to come, if and when you venture to try to reconnect.

All of the above being said, you long for that person, and there is pain. Being comfortable with what you are doing jobwise and otherwise along with meeting and dating others are much more helpful. Hang in there, my friend! 

[JohnnyShoes]

Riddler... .

I'm where you're at.

Though it hasn't been at all 7 months.

I read your previous posts as well.

Follow Your Gut !

[apollotech]

Hi Riddler,

Just curious, why do you think that it'd be different this time around, assuming she hasn't been dedicated to therapy and getting better? What has changed?

Is your desire to re-engage your ex perhaps due to your not finding a suitable partner---so far---even though you've been dating? She represents a "known" option, albeit, an unhealthy one.

[JQ]

Hey everyone,

I haven't been posting on here for quite a while because to tell you the truth, it's been going pretty well for me. 

Here's a refresher for those who don't remember my (familiar) tale: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271601.0

It's been going on 7 months since the official breakup, and recently I've been doing well and focusing on what's important to me.  I worked at a job for a while and then when that was over I took to working on some independent projects that I've been wanting to work on for quite a while.  I've been dating quite a bit, too; I met my share of people who sent out obvious red flags and I was able to put that in its proper perspective, and not take it personally.  And there were some others I just wasn't interested in.

And then something hit me during the last week and a half.  I have this feeling of loss and missing my exBPD that's indescribable.  My Mom, who was the majority of my support system during the debacle, has been trying to speak truth to me and reminding me that trying to get back in touch with her wouldn't be a good idea.  I feel the same and understand the risk, that I'd be right back to where I was when we initially broke up, yet the feeling remains.  There's no intellectualizing it or reasoning with it.  I still have feelings, but it's been about 7 months and the last we spoke she said very plainly she's not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, I have a scary, sneaking suspicion that in this time she's not only found someone else, but she's achieved the mindset that any attempt to speak to her would be met with "I don't feel the same way."  I'm just lost and in pain.  Not as bad as I was, mind you; things have significantly improved.  But it's disheartening to think that I'm still vulnerable to ebbs in my emotional comfort like this.

I'm going to be speaking to my therapist next week.  I'm getting this feeling that scares me to death because it's similar to one I had when I was in the deepest throes of pain: I'd like to see if there's a chance between us to at least try one more time.  I know the odds are greatly against it working, and there's a great chance it'd hurt tremendously should it fail, but at the very least, I'd be that much more validated in my thoughts and feelings after the first time.  I could use some kind, supportive help here, guys; I'm just feeling weak and it's scary as hell.

Riddler,

Riddle me this ;-)  Did anything ... .ANYTHING good come from your relationship with your ex BPD gf? No ... .you had some good times but in the end it crashed and burned.  WHAT A GREAT IDEA TO SEE YOUR THERAPIST NEXT WEEK!   Stay strong until then!  Go out with a buddy for a beer and burger tomorrow ... .call one up and see if you can stay with them until you see your therapist ... .just so you're not alone in the house letting some of those thoughts that will be harmful get to you and you reach  out to her ... .email her ... .call her ... .text her ... .knowing that it's going to crash and burn yet again.

It's great that you came here for support ... .that's what we're here for. I did the same thing ... .when I'm weak ... .feeling a lone ... .I want to reach out to my first ex BPD gf ... .AND I KNOW NOTHING ... .NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER COME FROM CONTACTING HER!   I mean after spending thousands of dollars with that one 18 years ago ... .I almost was arrested ... .did some stupid stupid stupid things which is a good thing I was never caught because I think I would be now just be getting out of prison ... .I found that all commons sense drains right out of my ears when it came to my ex BPD GFs. 

Then I had a friend ... .female ask me some questions ... .made me think. DO I trust her ... .with anything ... .from not seeing someone else to given her $10 bucks? Nope not really.  Ex BPD gf number one who I left 18 years ago lives with one guy for almost 17 years now ... .sports a ring he gave her ... .not married ... .but has bf2 on the side and has sex with him weekly ... .so WHY ON GODS GREEN EARTH WOULD I EVER EVER EVER WANT TO GET INVOLVED WITH THAT EVER AGAIN? 

There is 7,865,459,363 people in the world in case your ex BPD gf is feeling irreplaceable ... .stay strong ... .call a buddy ... .go get a beer and a burger ... .turn your phone off, turn your computer off ... .go stay with a friend until you see your therapist this week ... .

Wishing your power and strength

JQ

[TheRiddler]

Hey everybody,

This is TheRiddler again, I thought I'd post an update.  I hope this isn't a problem not posting a new thread, I thought it would be easier to continue an old one.

I'm having a really rough time.  It's been about 1.5 years since we broke up and I haven't contacted her, and I was doing fine but for some reason or another I've hit a really bad patch.  (There was no formal NC but I wasn't in any mental state to communicate with her after the break up for a LONG while.)

I've been thinking about my ex again, and my crazed obsession with whether she and I will ever have a chance again, and I just can't cope.  I've been in touch with her mother, as those who've read my previous threads might remember I had been, and she's been dating though I don't know how serious any of it is (and she didn't know, either).  I'm dating as well, though I haven't been particularly happy with anyone I've found, but that's another topic.

I have an absolute OBSESSION over whether she and I could try for a fresh start some day.  It may work, it may not work, but I just would like the opportunity.  Of course, anywhere I go to get any kind of answers (my therapist, my psychiatrist, her mom, my family), can't tell me anything.  If I read internet relationship forums, I'm confronted with awful, horrifying posts about how, "People break up for a reason," and "one chance per person per lifetime," and all of that kind of extremist crap that puts me into a complete downward spiral, where I am now.  I know no one can really tell me, but there's so much information out there and so much of it is conflicting I just get sick and I can't function. 

I honestly don't know if I'd want to be in a relationship with her; but I do know I would give it a try.  She hasn't attempted to contact me (though her mom told me my ex had looked me up on social media), I'm afraid to contact her because I'm in a really vulnerable spot.  I hear on these forums about people reaching out and others not, about boomerangs and cut-offs, and cut-offs who sometimes boomerang when they're able, and it makes my head spin.  But, having intense OCD like I do, it's something I'm caught on. 

I was wondering, gang: Is there a gentle way you could help me think about this to get unstuck?

[formflier]

I think you are doing the right thing by posting about YOUR feelings and by scheduling an appt to see your T.

There is NOTHING wrong with your feelings and thoughts.  NOTHING at all.  

Glad to see JQ around again... . He and I have history of seeing "warning and caution lights" come on in airplanes.

All those lights mean is that there is something to look at and POSSIBLY take action on.  The crew will use their experience, procedures and some manuals to figure out what is the right thing to do.

I hope you and your T and figure out what caused the light to come on, but remember, there is nothing wrong with that.  Feel your feelings.  

Be deliberate and wise about taking action.  These feelings are part of you.

FF

[LilMe]

  TheRiddler!

I am less than 3 months out and boy is it hard!  I haven't heard from mine at all in 2 weeks and it is unbearable at times.

One suggestion I see a lot is to write down a list of good things about your pwBPD and then make a list of all the bad things and behaviors and compare the two.  In my case I just have to listen to a few recordings I made and am reminded of how bad the bad was.  I left before and came back after he went to intensive therapy and apologized and was better - that lasted about a year.  :'(

I find this to be much like fighting an addiction to a drug.  You get that little high right after you use, but the rest of the time you feel like crap and your life is a wreck from trying to get back to that moment.  Somehow our minds start to focus on that little bit of good and we completely forget the bad that is there when you are not high.

I sure hope you (and the rest of us!) manage to find relief in dealing with this.   

[Ceruleanblue]

This probably isn't going to be something you like hearing, but I'm going to be honest with you: I'm 6 years out, and I STILL miss the "not good for me-possible sociopath" I got away from. Why? I don't know. I know he was awful for me, and treated me poorly, and that something was missing in his psyche, but I miss him. I'm currently married to someone diagnosed BPD/NPD, and I'm making plans to leave him, and I'll hurt when I leave, but I seriously doubt I'll miss him six years down the road.

I just think some people, or situations touch us in a greater way, and we have to make a conscious choice to keep doing what is BEST for us. When I leave BPDh, I could look up the "not good for me" guy, but I won't. I remind myself of how he treated me, and have tried to make peace with the fact that I'll likely always remember him, and want him, but I love myself more. Going back to that would be crazy.

I think that people like that give off something, or somehow ensnare us with their superb charm and it becomes like a drug. The draw is always there, but I will keep resisting.

I'd say listen to your Mom, and your gut feeling. You are not alone in feeling the draw though.

[Cat Familiar]

What is it about her that's so appealing? What haven't you found in women you've been dating? Are you able to see her as the sum total of all her good qualities as well as the bad ones? Can you imagine living with the parts of her that you don't like? (In any relationship I've been in, there are times when the bad qualities of the other seem to predominate.) Can you see yourself in the future with her five, ten, twenty, forty years down the line? How would she parent your future children? Does she have a good relationship with her parents? Is she kind to strangers? Does she have a loyal group of friends? Does she have a career? Is she financially stable? Does she carry out plans for the future or live moment to moment? Are your goals similar?

Please think carefully about whether this would be a good relationship for you or whether it's an addiction. (I understand addictions. I married one--my second husband.    ) 

Good luck and keep asking yourself questions.  

[MaybeSo]

I have an absolute OBSESSION over whether she and I could try for a fresh start some day.  It may work, it may not work, but I just would like the opportunity. ''

I suggest getting unstuck by continuing to do some of your own personal internal work.  Having an obsession or being obsessed is not a healthy state of mind with which to start a relationship, reconstitute a failed relationship,  or make important decisions.   We still do it sometimes for our own reasons (I know I have!) b/c after all, obsessions are naturally compelling... .  but it's helpful to raise your awareness more and more about how being obsessive etc. is a sign that we are out of balance and not necessarily a sign that we need someone in our life again.  We often mistake obsessive thoughts for the depth or quality of our attachments, but, obsessing is just obsessing and obsessing lacks balance and speaks to some need inside that you are not taking care of on your own.   This is happening inside of you, your EX isn't doing anything to make this happen. This may be spurred on or triggered inside of you by boredom, lonlieness, unrealistic expectations of what a regular intimate relationship can reasonably offer etc. etc.  or any  number of other things.  These are things worth exploring and managing inside yourself, rather than following the obsessive drive to tap into a complex relationship that will be satisfying for a short time.   There is nothing wrong with whatever choice you make, it's just good to keep raising your awareness about your own process no matter what you do.  When we obsess, it's usually a pretty good clue to something inside us that needs tending to by us.  If you were to approach your ex again, it might be better to do so when you are not feeling obsessive about it.

[Tallie]

Riddler, I hear ya! at the 6 month mark, I have taken a few steps backward in processing the sheer awfulness of a BPD breakup. That she could discard me and my son so easily after only 6 weeks living together (something she pushed for) and then walk away to a replacement beggars belief.

But I know that once I process all this fully and truly, having worked on the issues I contributed to the relationship, I'll be good and ready to date and meet someone new. I look forward to that day! The steps are mine to take.

When I am still thinking about the xBPD and hoping for a breadcrumb from her, I am stuck not being able to see the lovely qualities of those I meet. Just tonight I am ending a budding romance because, while she is in to me, really lovely and so not BPD, I still have the scars that are not healed. It isn't fair that she must deal with me like this and I can't be 100% invested in a relationship yet. I need to accept that reality- perhaps you do too. 

My plan is to give myself time to grow and heal- but never choose the dysfunction of a BPDgf again. I am mid 40's and part of me wants to hurry this up- wish I could actually do that.

[UnfadingLife]

Grrrr. I'm in day 4 of a breakup with BPD husband after 17 years and 2 kids together. Every day I am wondering more why and how I lasted so long. What is it about me that allowed this behavior towards me and enabled it for him to do with it what he wants. I stayed with him for the kids, and realized his disorder affects all of us! 
I'm in my mid forties as well. While I'm certainly not going to jump into anything, I'm also not going to lose something that could be special because I'm not 100%. We will never be 100% ever again. They took a big piece from us. The scars, regret, wasted time. If I can organically grow into a normal, healthy relationship-I'm not going to end it before it started. Give it a little more time and thought.

[formflier]

  What is it about me that allowed this behavior towards me and enabled it for him to do with it what he wants. 

A very wise question.  There may not be one answer.  Many times our experiences seem to conspire against and with the best of intentions we make one decision that hands over power to a pwBPD.  Just a little bit of power... .

Then another small decision... .and another.  Any one of those decisions, looked at by itself, would likely not be cause for alarm. 

It's the patterns that you need to look for   And the underlying experiences and attitudes that drive those patterns.

Did you notice something Maybeso said a few posts up?

I suggest getting unstuck by continuing to do some of your own personal internal work.  

The kind of work that you are describing... figuring out how and why things have come to be in your life... .is your own personal work to do.   I would encourage you to start the journey.

Without the aide of a T I would also encourage you to hold any ideas or conclusions that you come to in a very tentative fashion, until they are examined thoroughly in therapy.   A T will help you examine your process and conclusions and guide you to conclusions that you can use to make dramatic improvements in your quality of life.

FF