Still trying to kick the addiction to her 'love' and the sex.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

(Towards the end of this post, I talk a little about sex stuff, so you're sensitive to that topic then you should be careful about reading further.)

It's been a year since she left, but I still think about her every single day. In fact, days in which I wake up and she's not the first thing I think of aren't very common and are cause for celebration. I've learned a lot about BPD since I arrived on these forums, enough to lead me to decide that I don't ever want to speak to her ever again. I don't really miss her, but I miss what we had. We were together for four years, three and a half of which were wonderful, but the devaluation struck hard and fast once she found my replacement and began grooming him to supplant me. I never experienced some of the real horror stories that I've read on here - physical violence, police involvement, and the horrible entanglement that can result if you marry and have children with a BPD sufferer. So my memories of the relationship are mostly positive, up until the final months.

It's been really difficult to go from a life that was absolutely full of romance - constant declarations of love, gift-giving, poetry-writing - to a life that's pretty much entirely devoid of it. I've never felt like I was particularly talented at anything, so I've never really thought of career or financial success as a way for me to 'win' at life. Instead, I've always been a romantic, and my life goal has always been (and remains) to meet someone amazing and have a brilliant relationship that stands the test of time. So when I met my ex, and within a few weeks we were 'in love' and talking for hours every single day, I felt like I finally had attained what I had always wanted. Losing that has been hard.

My sexuality has also been deeply affected by all this. I lost my virginity to my ex, and she was the first person to make me feel like I was actually 'wantable'. I've always been a clumsy and awkward geek, so to finally feel like I was worth something in bed made me incredibly happy. After breaking up with me, and before I learned to stay away from her Facebook and blogs, she thoroughly trashed my sexual performance and physical appearance. Her departure and change of heart about my sexual value has done a number on my self-confidence. I've also grown to associate sex and sexuality with her, so that even pornography makes me feel despondent. I also, unfortunately, know that my replacement is one of those 'daddy dom' types and oozes confidence. She's since moved clear across the country to live with him, and the thought of her sharing herself with someone else makes my blood run cold. He seems like a clear upgrade over me in just about every possible way.

So, in the end, I guess I'm past the point where I might have considered trying to get her back or even talk to her ever again. But despite understanding that I'm better off without her in my life, I find myself in a constant state of missing the attention, kind words, and sexual attraction she had - or seemed to have - for me every single day. I've tried to focus on what I DO have in life - my hobbies, my family, my career - but they don't really help me with these particular feelings.

What can I do when it's 3:00 A.M. and I'm thinking of her? When I can't sleep for the sadness and need someone to talk to, but no one is willing to listen like she always did? And - as foolish and coarse as this surely sounds - what can I do when I miss the sex but have no one to share that part of myself with anymore?

Thank you for reading.

[Fox Mulder]

(Towards the end of this post, I talk a little about sex stuff, so you're sensitive to that topic then you should be careful about reading further.)

It's been a year since she left, but I still think about her every single day. In fact, days in which I wake up and she's not the first thing I think of aren't very common and are cause for celebration. I've learned a lot about BPD since I arrived on these forums, enough to lead me to decide that I don't ever want to speak to her ever again. I don't really miss her, but I miss what we had. We were together for four years, three and a half of which were wonderful, but the devaluation struck hard and fast once she found my replacement and began grooming him to supplant me. I never experienced some of the real horror stories that I've read on here - physical violence, police involvement, and the horrible entanglement that can result if you marry and have children with a BPD sufferer. So my memories of the relationship are mostly positive, up until the final months.

It's been really difficult to go from a life that was absolutely full of romance - constant declarations of love, gift-giving, poetry-writing - to a life that's pretty much entirely devoid of it. I've never felt like I was particularly talented at anything, so I've never really thought of career or financial success as a way for me to 'win' at life. Instead, I've always been a romantic, and my life goal has always been (and remains) to meet someone amazing and have a brilliant relationship that stands the test of time. So when I met my ex, and within a few weeks we were 'in love' and talking for hours every single day, I felt like I finally had attained what I had always wanted. Losing that has been hard.

My sexuality has also been deeply affected by all this. I lost my virginity to my ex, and she was the first person to make me feel like I was actually 'wantable'. I've always been a clumsy and awkward geek, so to finally feel like I was worth something in bed made me incredibly happy. After breaking up with me, and before I learned to stay away from her Facebook and blogs, she thoroughly trashed my sexual performance and physical appearance. Her departure and change of heart about my sexual value has done a number on my self-confidence. I've also grown to associate sex and sexuality with her, so that even pornography makes me feel despondent. I also, unfortunately, know that my replacement is one of those 'daddy dom' types and oozes confidence. She's since moved clear across the country to live with him, and the thought of her sharing herself with someone else makes my blood run cold. He seems like a clear upgrade over me in just about every possible way.

So, in the end, I guess I'm past the point where I might have considered trying to get her back or even talk to her ever again. But despite understanding that I'm better off without her in my life, I find myself in a constant state of missing the attention, kind words, and sexual attraction she had - or seemed to have - for me every single day. I've tried to focus on what I DO have in life - my hobbies, my family, my career - but they don't really help me with these particular feelings.

What can I do when it's 3:00 A.M. and I'm thinking of her? When I can't sleep for the sadness and need someone to talk to, but no one is willing to listen like she always did? And - as foolish and coarse as this surely sounds - what can I do when I miss the sex but have no one to share that part of myself with anymore?

Thank you for reading.

[SGraham]

Mulder,

Im sorry to hear that you had to go through that, and i have to say i totally sympathise. I too am basically a total dork and for most of my life the idea of someone wanting me was completely alien to me. While i didnt have sex with my ex, she was my first kiss and we did make out. Physical affection is something that is very hard for me so the fact that i was able to be intimate with someone who also wanted to be with me was incredible. Then things turned south so now im left in a position where ive basically associated physical closeness with her and i cant really picture myself being physically affectionate with anyone else so even the idea of affection is a painful insult now, like what you described. Anyways, i just wanted to say i completely feel you. I wish you the best

SG

[repititionqueen]

Thanks for sharing this with us 

The relationship you have described, with or without BPD, would indeed be a hard one to get over. It won't happen over night and I think that you are dealing with things the best you can. Getting over the hump of not wanting to get her back anymore is huge!

Things are definitely going to get better! You are going to have wonderful sex and conversations with a new partner in the future! As someone who has only had one partner you are focusing so much on what you had with her and you're not thinking of what a new partner could offer. This is going to be an exciting experience once you are ready to welcome someone new into your life.  First you must build self confidence though, you are worthy of love and an amazing relationship! Don't forget that!   

Don't let her hurtful words affect your self confidence. If you've had the experience of having sex in a longterm relationship you are miles ahead of people who have had sex with many people but only one-night stands. You have the experience and the skills. Don't let her get in your head! She'll likely be very jealous if you do move on and find someone new!

Also, girls will like that you've only been with one person in a long term relationship. They will know that you aren't a player but that you have the experience  

You have so much to look forward to! Keep your chin up

[Remiman]

I understand with this one regarding the sexual side. I had only been with my "normal" ex of fifteen years before by exBPDgf. In that relationship I always felt unwanted and sex was pretty unfulfilling. Then with my exBPDgf I felt incredibly wanted and the sex was amazing. I can't get that side out of my head.  Sorry to be prude, but even if I try to distract myself with porn, whatever I watch soon becomes replaced with images of her. I hope all this stops soon, and that I eventually find someone who makes me feel like that again. Having said all that, If I had the choice of one more shot at sex with her, or a night with her sleeping in my arms, I'd choose the latter.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Fox Mulder, I hear how much you miss your Ex and am sorry for all the pain you are still in.  On the other hand, it seems like you are omitting a lot because, in my experience, a BPD r/s is one of turmoil, abuse and drama.  Yet you don't describe your former r/s that way.  What was it like for you?  What makes you think your Ex has BPD?  What are some of the negative experiences that you had with her?  I'm trying to get the full picture.

LuckyJim

[Schermarhorn]

Sex has me thinking about her a lot as well. We didn't get a chance to have any, but we had alternatives while she was in another state.

Pretty sure this was her way of getting her hooks into me. When we first started talking she was very conservative, then that changed really fast and it took me by suprise.

[Fox Mulder]

Thank you all for the kind words, it helps a lot to know others have been affected by all this in a similar way.

Hey Fox Mulder, I hear how much you miss your Ex and am sorry for all the pain you are still in.  On the other hand, it seems like you are omitting a lot because, in my experience, a BPD r/s is one of turmoil, abuse and drama.  Yet you don't describe your former r/s that way.  What was it like for you?  What makes you think your Ex has BPD?  What are some of the negative experiences that you had with her?  I'm trying to get the full picture.

LuckyJim

My ex was diagnosed with BPD by her therapist, but she was really good at hiding away the effects of the disorder. There was definitely turmoil and drama in the relationship. Not a day would go by without her mentioning how she wanted to commit suicide. I spent many nights on the phone with her until 4 or 5 AM, doing my best to keep her from harming herself. She self-harmed, though in very subtle ways that caused pain but didn't leave obvious markings. I cared for her and wanted to help her, so none of this made me consider leaving.

Aside from that, we would occasionally have arguments about her self-worth. She always disliked the way she looked. Even though we would often be intimate with each other, she never believed that I found her attractive in the slightest. When she found out how my ex before her looked, she relentlessly compared herself to her, and kept asking me to prove that I found her more attractive than my ex prior.

Aside from these things, the relationship was fairly stable. She was very clingy - I didn't mind - and we were both civil to one another up until the final months, when she found my replacement and began to cheat on me. Sometimes I wonder if she really had BPD. Maybe she has some other kind of personality disorder. I'm no expert, so I'm just going with the diagnosis. She certainly mirrored me during the relationship, adopting all of my hobbies and interests for herself, and after the breakup she's painted me so black that I'm sure all her friends and family believe me to be an abusive deadbeat.

[Lostone1314]

15 months out and i still feel like you mate... not a day goes by where i dont think of how or why we crashed... mine had BPD/npd sociopathic traits without the violent stuff and like everyones she lined up replacements before our breakup 4 in 4 weeks and finaly settled on a friend of ours a downgrade physically but upgrade financialy she said "i wasnt worth the financial convienience" so im guessing my replacements $$ overshadows any faults he may have... my discard and devalue was brutal and like you my self worth is shot and i wonder if i will ever love,trust another or if ill ever find her... @50 im running out of time... by the time im over her abuse ill most likely be mid 50 and in htis age group there are alot of damaged women about as well as us men

Sigh  

[rotiroti]

Thank you all for the kind words, it helps a lot to know others have been affected by all this in a similar way.

Hey Fox Mulder, I hear how much you miss your Ex and am sorry for all the pain you are still in.  On the other hand, it seems like you are omitting a lot because, in my experience, a BPD r/s is one of turmoil, abuse and drama.  Yet you don't describe your former r/s that way.  What was it like for you?  What makes you think your Ex has BPD?  What are some of the negative experiences that you had with her?  I'm trying to get the full picture.

LuckyJim

My ex was diagnosed with BPD by her therapist, but she was really good at hiding away the effects of the disorder. There was definitely turmoil and drama in the relationship. Not a day would go by without her mentioning how she wanted to commit suicide. I spent many nights on the phone with her until 4 or 5 AM, doing my best to keep her from harming herself. She self-harmed, though in very subtle ways that caused pain but didn't leave obvious markings. I cared for her and wanted to help her, so none of this made me consider leaving.

Aside from that, we would occasionally have arguments about her self-worth. She always disliked the way she looked. Even though we would often be intimate with each other, she never believed that I found her attractive in the slightest. When she found out how my ex before her looked, she relentlessly compared herself to her, and kept asking me to prove that I found her more attractive than my ex prior.

Aside from these things, the relationship was fairly stable. She was very clingy - I didn't mind - and we were both civil to one another up until the final months, when she found my replacement and began to cheat on me. Sometimes I wonder if she really had BPD. Maybe she has some other kind of personality disorder. I'm no expert, so I'm just going with the diagnosis. She certainly mirrored me during the relationship, adopting all of my hobbies and interests for herself, and after the breakup she's painted me so black that I'm sure all her friends and family believe me to be an abusive deadbeat.

Hey Fox,

Everything you just said is the opposite of a stable relationship.

See this article : Characteristics of Healthy Relationships https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

I agree with the sound advice repetitionqueen said, it's time to build your self-confidence. I see parts of your post where you compare yourself to your replacement or accept being painted black. Don't be silly! You yourself mentioned how your ex mirrored you... .those qualities mirrored bc she thought they were admirable and likeable.

[Lostone1314]

"I see parts of your post where you compare yourself to your replacement or accept being painted black. Don't be silly! You yourself mentioned how your ex mirrored you... .those qualities mirrored bc she thought they were admirable and likeable."

im still doing this too... please explain the mirroring part my ex did the same

[rotiroti]

"I see parts of your post where you compare yourself to your replacement or accept being painted black. Don't be silly! You yourself mentioned how your ex mirrored you... .those qualities mirrored bc she thought they were admirable and likeable."

im still doing this too... please explain the mirroring part my ex did the same

Hey Lostone1314, sure thing. During the idealization phase the BPD will see and copy (mirror) the good qualities they see in us. Partly because they lack an identity and perhaps these traits can fix them. That's why it can feel like we've met our soulmates because we're essentially seeing us in them. And in the process falling in love with the best parts of us.

Think back on your relationship, what did she mirror in you?

[Lostone1314]

"I see parts of your post where you compare yourself to your replacement or accept being painted black. Don't be silly! You yourself mentioned how your ex mirrored you... .those qualities mirrored bc she thought they were admirable and likeable."

im still doing this too... please explain the mirroring part my ex did the same

Hey Lostone1314, sure thing. During the idealization phase the BPD will see and copy (mirror) the good qualities they see in us. Partly because they lack an identity and perhaps these traits can fix them. That's why it can feel like we've met our soulmates because we're essentially seeing us in them. And in the process falling in love with the best parts of us.

Think back on your relationship, what did she mirror in you?

empathy

kindness

adoration

love

compassion

playfulness

integrity

moral compass ( she despised cheaters my ex before her was one and a friend of hers had been cheated on as she also was in her teens) i honestly believed she was incapable of infidelity

when we first began living together she wasnt as untidy as she was when we lived apart

she drank very little a glass or 2 only blind drunk twice in first year

[rotiroti]

"I see parts of your post where you compare yourself to your replacement or accept being painted black. Don't be silly! You yourself mentioned how your ex mirrored you... .those qualities mirrored bc she thought they were admirable and likeable."

im still doing this too... please explain the mirroring part my ex did the same

Hey Lostone1314, sure thing. During the idealization phase the BPD will see and copy (mirror) the good qualities they see in us. Partly because they lack an identity and perhaps these traits can fix them. That's why it can feel like we've met our soulmates because we're essentially seeing us in them. And in the process falling in love with the best parts of us.

Think back on your relationship, what did she mirror in you?

empathy

kindness

adoration

love

compassion

playfulness

integrity

moral compass ( she despised cheaters my ex before her was one and a friend of hers had been cheated on as she also was in her teens) i honestly believed she was incapable of infidelity

when we first began living together she wasnt as untidy as she was when we lived apart

she drank very little a glass or 2 only blind drunk twice in first year

That's an amazing list Lostone1314!

[Lostone1314]

"I see parts of your post where you compare yourself to your replacement or accept being painted black. Don't be silly! You yourself mentioned how your ex mirrored you... .those qualities mirrored bc she thought they were admirable and likeable."

im still doing this too... please explain the mirroring part my ex did the same

Hey Lostone1314, sure thing. During the idealization phase the BPD will see and copy (mirror) the good qualities they see in us. Partly because they lack an identity and perhaps these traits can fix them. That's why it can feel like we've met our soulmates because we're essentially seeing us in them. And in the process falling in love with the best parts of us.

Think back on your relationship, what did she mirror in you?

empathy

kindness

adoration

love

compassion

playfulness

integrity

moral compass ( she despised cheaters my ex before her was one and a friend of hers had been cheated on as she also was in her teens) i honestly believed she was incapable of infidelity

when we first began living together she wasnt as untidy as she was when we lived apart

she drank very little a glass or 2 only blind drunk twice in first year

That's an amazing list Lostone1314!

YEP in the last 2 years she had none of these qualities especially when drunk different woman altogether thats why its hard to accept especially the cheating part and the "your not worth the financial convieience"

i have to accept i was used for financial gain (she accumlated rental income from  her place which was never sheared) and for adoration

[rotiroti]

Perhaps that was one of the reasons, but from that list I can see you were a very loving partner with many things to offer. You know this... .


and it's said on these boards time and time again. Don't take what she says and does personally -- once you've become a trigger they'll act accordingly.

[Lostone1314]

Perhaps that was one of the reasons, but from that list I can see you were a very loving partner with many things to offer. You know this... .


and it's said on these boards time and time again. Don't take what she says and does personally -- once you've become a trigger they'll act accordingly.

i know i have all these admirable qualities but still i feel that i lack in the area of entertainment to stave off boredom so many women nowadays look to the men for financial security as well as emotional and even so many more are drinkers ifeel i have to transform into someone im not in order to secure a partner... im sure had i been more like my replacement i would not have triggered her... she resented me for the very qualities she liked in the begining... i never changed in fact she said exactly this "people dont change"  whist i believe that statement was a projection of her own state i believe she wanted i change into the expectations she wanted in a partner and i can only guess that they are the qualities my replacement has...

i know in time ill be rid of these feelings and go back to a normal life as i was before i met her but i do wonder if ill ever feel for another as i do the woman she pretended to be.

[rotiroti]

Perhaps that was one of the reasons, but from that list I can see you were a very loving partner with many things to offer. You know this... .


and it's said on these boards time and time again. Don't take what she says and does personally -- once you've become a trigger they'll act accordingly.

i know i have all these admirable qualities but still i feel that i lack in the area of entertainment to stave off boredom so many women nowadays look to the men for financial security as well as emotional and even so many more are drinkers ifeel i have to transform into someone im not in order to secure a partner... im sure had i been more like my replacement i would not have triggered her... she resented me for the very qualities she liked in the begining... i never changed in fact she said exactly this "people dont change"  whist i believe that statement was a projection of her own state i believe she wanted i change into the expectations she wanted in a partner and i can only guess that they are the qualities my replacement has...

i know in time ill be rid of these feelings and go back to a normal life as i was before i met her but i do wonder if ill ever feel for another as i do the woman she pretended to be.

You're absolutely correct about the projection. pwBPD do not have a sense of identity so in essence they can never change. I can guarantee that until she gets the help she needs (on her own volition mind you), no matter who she is with, she will be unfulfilled and unhappy. It's not that she hates you personally, it's that she needs to place the loneliness and pain she feels on someone.

What do you look for in a partner? I certainly put emotional connection as one of my criteria and I think it's a fair one. I certainly felt like I had that need met by my pwBPD, but I was confusing intensity with intimacy... .and caretaking as getting my emotional needs met. Aside from the anger and drinking, everything revolved around her. From your past posts, I see a similar situation as well. Wasn't it exhausting traveling down that 1-way road of emotional drainage? You mentioned the physical connection -- yes they are passionate and exciting, but how far can a r/s go based solely on that?

And what are some of the deal-breakers for you in a relationship? For me, I would never go for anyone with whom I had to pretend to be someone I'm not. Growing up, didn't you have friends and family who love you for who you are? why can't you expect that from a relationship as well? Hell man, you have a great list of attributes -- you have lots to offer so why can't you expect the same in return?

I remember breaking up with my first love in college. I thought the pain was never going to go away, nor that I was ever going to meet someone else. Years passed and I met many compatible partners. The best part was that I was able to stay friends with many of them, including the woman from college. I think that sort of set me up to meet with the pwBPD, I went in thinking that it was another person at my emotional level. Boy was I wrong . The b/u was incredibly hard as it involved a dissolution of an engagement. I was really hooked and thought this was the one... .lesson learned on always staying true to one's values.

By the way, what do you usually do for fun? What are your hobbies? You can find people who share common interests and as a result will find you as a fun person.

Hang in there lostone1314... .I know it's heartbreaking, but as people (and especially as non-BPD), we have the ability to change through self-improvement.

[Lostone1314]

You're absolutely correct about the projection.

projection :

you lie so well ( never did i lie ) she was sayin im lying and cheating on you dumbass

You dont understand women  ( im cheating on you and your to dumb to know)

your not worth the financial convienience ( im not worthy of you )

your hobby is embarrassing ( i have no hobbies , interests outside of kids,dog,beach,sex and alcohol so im the embarrasement)

Your fault i didnt orgasm ( im banging someone else and now repulsed by you because your a dumbass and should know im cheating)

your going to grow to be a short fat old man ( i cant stand the sight of you cause im cheating on you Looser)

i could go on but it hurts

I can guarantee that until she gets the help she needs (on her own volition mind you), no matter who she is with, she will be unfulfilled and unhappy.

Whilst she is being entertained with regular date nights.alcohol,partys,vacations,expensive dinners,weekends away she will be happy but if my replacement becomes quadraplegic she will leave in an instant


What do you look for in a partner? I certainly put emotional connection as one of my criteria and I think it's a fair one. I certainly felt like I had that need met by my pwBPD, but I was confusing intensity with intimacy... .and caretaking as getting my emotional needs met. Aside from the anger and drinking, everything revolved around her. From your past posts, I see a similar situation as well. Wasn't it exhausting traveling down that 1-way road of emotional drainage? You mentioned the physical connection -- yes they are passionate and exciting, but how far can a r/s go based solely on that?

i want exactly the same something beyond just sex and in the end its all she had to offer everything else wasnt who she really was and so i withdrew because she wouldnt communicate or invest in our relationship... i got no help with housework,financials and there was no more intamacy just sex and that stopped too cause i got rejected so often i stopped trying.

And what are some of the deal-breakers for you in a relationship? For me, I would never go for anyone with whom I had to pretend to be someone I'm not. Growing up, didn't you have friends and family who love you for who you are? why can't you expect that from a relationship as well? Hell man, you have a great list of attributes -- you have lots to offer so why can't you expect the same in return?

infidelity

deciet

no moral compass

lack of integrity

lack of compassion empathy

yes had many friends now all married and im alone @50 and yes i do expect everything i am from my partner and i believed she had those qualities ... i dont tell people but i told her once only a while after we met and then never mentioned it again that i am a Knight for real i took an ancient oath years ago within a very ancient orginisation to live a life based on an ancient code of moral conduct and the utmost integrity that has been around for over 6000 years she admired those qualities and then rejected them telling my mom that i was too GOOD ?


By the way, what do you usually do for fun? What are your hobbies? You can find people who share common interests and as a result will find you as a fun person.

i used to fly radio controlled helicopters but cant anymore since the abuse i lost the will to fly

now i ride harley when weather ok ( she insisted i buy one cause my replacement and her friends had one so i bought it after she left :-)  

other than this nothing... most of the hobbies i like are male dominated anyway

ive tried

caffes

restaurants

libaries

shopping malls

art galleries

online

work

meetup groups

friends

family

15 months and not a single interest that im attracted too ... .infuriates me she found 4 in 4 weeks after break

[Lucky Jim]

There was definitely turmoil and drama in the relationship. Not a day would go by without her mentioning how she wanted to commit suicide. I spent many nights on the phone with her until 4 or 5 AM, doing my best to keep her from harming herself. She self-harmed, though in very subtle ways that caused pain but didn't leave obvious markings.

Hey Fox Mulder,  You know these are red flags, right?     Suicide ideation every day; Self-Harm; Up until 5:00 a.m. trying to talk her out of hurting herself.

Take it from me, these are not good signs.  Same red flags happened to me with my BPDxW.  It's amazing how similar pwBPD act out. 

It's a losing game, my friend, and you are lucky to be out of it.

LuckyJim