Parent who enable BPD - Anyone know one?

[Aroundtheblock]

Hello,

I'm new here, but not new to support forums or BPD.  I have/had a 19 year old BPD stepdaughter has BPD.  We have been around the block with her and endured many hardships just like many of you.  Some stories are nightmares. 

I want some opinions... .Husband and I had an argument (nothing to do with BPD) and Husband uses it as an excuse to drink every night, argument escalates and we sleep in separate rooms.  During this argument, BPD came to visit (she is living with an aunt in another state).  BPD immediately tries to fix the situation by relaying messages.  I kindly say to her that much to my appreciation, this is between your dad and I and at this point the effort is making things worse.

BPD, then joined her daddy at his hip.  BPD coddles her daddy, makes him meals, serves coffee, takes him for more liquor.  She even sleeps in the room with him. 

A week goes by, I don't say anything, I work and let them have their visit.  One evening, I went to water flowers out back.  I see there are two dirty wine glasses.  I guess Daddy is sharing his liquor.  BPD splitting... .I couldn't tell if it was a hangover or splitting or both.  She starts arguments with her sister for the littlest of reasons, she turns those small reasons into a huge deal.  Daddy is so numb, he is easily manipulated and turns on his younger daughter. 

After three more days of watching the party and taking notice to how much liquor is consumed by the two of them, I let go!  It was not nice either.

I confronted my husband and told him I thought it was very "weird" that he is drinking with his daughter every night and sleeping with her.  BOY, did that strike a nerve!  He said he can drink with his daughter anytime he wants... .he mentions nothing about sleeping.  (I don't suspect anything sexual)

BPD SD decided she hates me again.  My house is miserable!  BPD runs the home, she slams doors, does anything and everything to irritate.  Husband and I are even more at odds... .THEY MOVE THE PARTY TO OUR CAMPER!

After a couple more days... .BPD shoved me in the hallway.  I was done.  I turned into a raging lunatic (only on texts) and told Husband that he better get his BPD (not so nice words) out of my house before someone gets hurt.  He left that night.

I now have peace in my home.

Right now, as far as I know, the two are still together, probably partying.  Rumor has it that I'm an overreacting psycho.

Has anyone ever experienced such an enabling parent?  What would you have done?

I actually don't blame BPDSD, I blame her father.  I am filing for a divorce. 

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[satahal]

Aroundtheblock,

Sorry to read the heartache you're enduring.

I am fairly new here and don't have specific experience but I can say that I can relate a little bit. I have both BPD daughter and a son with special needs.

The rate of divorce is extremely high with a special needs child in the family and BPD certainly qualifies. You know the stress, the way you can become pitted against your spouse when trying to sort out how the heck to deal with behavior for which you have no frame of reference or easy answers.

I know I've had a lot of friction around my overprotectiveness and over-involvement with my kids - so I guess I'm identifying more with your husband's side. I don't mean to say his behavior is healthy or reasonable - it's not from what you've described, but I understand the impulse - the guilt, the desire to keep the child close by any means necessary when they actually let you in.

It sounds like your husband has extremely poor boundaries and potentially a drinking problems. He may be acting out of guilt or love but he's doing more harm then good to everyone involved. Your moment of raging is completely understandable given the insanity you were confronted with. My heart goes out to you. I can only say, save yourself.

[Aroundtheblock]

I really appreciate your perspective!  Thank you for sharing that.  I do know he feels guilt... .and putting this whole incident aside, I feel the best kind of support to a BPD is setting boundaries and consistency.  On one hand, he is lecturing her not to drink because of her meds, then turns around suddenly mixing is ok because she is with him. The biggest no, no is the disrespect to me on both their parts.  I'm positive if my 18 yr old son started sleeping in my room and drinking with me, he wouldn't appreciate it.  And yes, Husband has a drinking problem and this fight began because I found illegal drugs in our closet... .again. 

Biological mother spent many years in prison, she would be released and head right back in again.  When she was free, she would cause so much havoc, emotionally and financially.  She commit suicide last year.

Gosh, I don't think I could survive two with BPD!  How on earth are you managing?  Dealing with BPD has been challenging, sometimes I felt triumphant, then the next moment was failure.  The splitting, the tension, the blowups, the DRAMA!  Uggh!  I hope you have found a way to separate yourself and take a needed break. 

[satahal]

His daughter can't feel good about this - this situation just validates all the terrible things she probably thinks about herself - and he's contributing - ugh. I can relate to the drinking and drugs - my partner has had a drinking problem that is controlled at the moment but flares up, and he steals my prescription meds, or did until I put them in a locked box. It's a mess.

I don't know how I'm surviving either - I guess growing up with BPD father and sister I was primed for being the partner of one and my genetics no doubt contributed to my daughter's illness.

I'm luckier than some because my daughter, for most her life (she's now 28), could be described as an introverted bookworm - she used negativity to drive herself to unbelievable academic success. No drama just the sense that she was tightly wound, so I tiptoed around to keep everything calm, which worked. Things didn't get dramatic until she got out of grad school and took a job that didn't work out, and became suicidal and hopeless. She's got a decent husband, economic stability and is dedicated to recovery but the jury is still out. She's been unemployed for a few years - though recently took something very part time so I'm crossing my fingers.

My partner is a jekyl and hyde. When he's good he's great. I didn't know how to manage his rages until I started reading about this disorder and that's helped a lot. But, I'd like to end the relationship - just can't right now. I'm trying to make it work until my youngest is out of high school - 3 more years. I force myself to do things for myself. It's a battle - it's like I'm dragging myself to life every day but it's where I am for now.

Isn't it odd the highs and lows - feeling triumphant one moment and the next a failure, you said? That must be part of being the "non" in these arrangements - we get some care-taking fix perhaps, so when things smooth out we've accomplished something and when they crash, we've messed up.

[Aroundtheblock]

Oh my gosh!  You are amazingly right about his daughter not feeling good about all of it... .although her actions don't portray it, she might feel ashamed.  YA, dad is the contributing enabler. 

Your situation sounds very familiar.  Is your partner the father of your children?  And you say he has BPD? I like my husband, I would like him more if he had sense enough to know when things are changing/splitting with BPD.  I usually take notice, I will make him aware and he handles it appropriately.  One morning recently, I knew immediately it was going to be a bad day, I could feel it.  Sure enough, she has a target and its her younger sister (normal).  Boy did she attack... .not only did she attack, she managed to make her dad angry about a situation that was so blown out of proportion.  The manipulation is insane!  I sat back quietly and watched the master work.  It was when Dad attacked (verbally), the younger sister, that I stepped in.

I have read that introvert BPD tend to land very high powered positions.  They are driven.  My SD, acts much like her mother (so I hear).  She had a boyfriend commit suicide while she was talking to him on the phone blaming her.  SD claims that's when all her problems began, but it started much earlier.  I could see the difference when I met them and she was in the 3rd grade.  BPD SD now dates the best friend of the kid who commit suicide.

Wow, its great to get a different perspective. Your making me think... .but I still can't go back.  I still would love the knowledge to help others if I could.

[satahal]

Your SD sounds like she's got a lot of symptoms and like she's not very interested in recovery. My BPD sister was a lot like that. She abhorred therapy and although in her later years she tried it sporadically - in her twenties she never would have gone even once to see a therapist. She was out of control to the nth degree in her twenties. She calmed down some and found some stability but her outcome ultimately wasn't what I hoped for unfortunately.

My partner isn't my kids' father. My BPD daughter's father is a decent and stable guy. Although he's been present and loving, he's a bit self-adsorbed being a professional artist with all the fame and sycophants that go with it and at many times my daughter came second to his career. I think she felt some rejection because of that.

It was my dad who was the BPD person, and now, my partner, who's a step-dad to my kids. My daughter was off to college by the time he came into my life - so while she knows him well and likes him - both kids really like him - she hasn't ever lived with him. My son was younger when we met and his father is not a great guy so he looks to my partner as his dad.

My partner is just good enough that I stay - although when he's having an "episode" it can last for weeks and I've broken up with him more times than I care to admit only to have him plead his way back. He has made changes but I don't see him changing enough for this to continue forever - even when he's good he's a work out. He just can't stand it when things are calm - he's got to create chaos to check if he's still loved or something.

I hope you don't mind my two cents but…if I were in your position I would run away as fast as I could.

How long have you been together? No kids together it sounds like?

[Aroundtheblock]

I am running.  For years I tried to solve, mend, fix this situation.  I've made excuses for both of them.  I spent a night in jail that I resent both of them for.  I now have finally made myself accountable and revealed everything to my parents... .the ultimate, final turning point.  I've made a life of pretense, happiness, comfort, I have been living a lie and only to protect them, when it was me who needed protecting.  I am sad and hurting, but I know I have no other choice.  This will destroy me if I don't stop it.

The strength I feel now is not a feeling of being strong... .I'm hurting, my heart is bursting, but I feel so horrible that a man I thought loved me turned on me in such a betraying way.  I feel strong that I finally broke some barriers that I created... .I did it... .I stood ground on many levels I stayed clear of... .  I fear being single, I fear being alone.  I'm terrified... .but, they are gone now.  Out of my home. 

Is financial circumstances that are holding you hostage?  You appear very aware of your position, your obviously intelligent... .what holds you back besides your younger son and waiting for him to graduate?

I have been with husband now for 10 years... .married for 2 years.  I miss him.  We always imagined a time in our lives with no kids... .just adult children, with children of their own... .our grandkids and we would spoil them, we talked about holidays with the clan we raised.  I feel utter resentment now.  A waste of my time.  I want to move forward one year.  Move past this whole nightmare.  What on earth was I thinking.  Nothing makes you more wise than experience.

I wish we were near each other to offer more support.  You seem so in touch with your situation, yet so far away with a solution.  I sense you feel trapped. 

[AVR1962]

Take a deep breath   I feel for your situation. I have been with my husband for 26 years, we are a step family with his mine and ours, all the children lived with us full time. Step families are tough and we as bio parents do try to protect our own and even when we are trying to do our best to be fair to everyone else when a big enough crisis comes inot play we will protect our own. It stinks as the step parent, I have been thru far too much so I am speaking from experience.

There's a few things here that bothered me about your post. If your husband has a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. If he does not see it as a problem or denies what you see, or does not want help there is not alot you can do but get help for yourself and learn how not to aide him in his issues. The other thing here is that your SD is sleeping in the same bedroom as her dad, this is not alright. You said she is 19? They took their drinking to the camper? Was that to avoid you? I would not be comfortable with this behavior.

Are you seeing a counselor? You say you are done and want a divorce. Can you go thru with it?

[Sunfl0wer]

She is 19? Is that legal drinking age where you are?  If not, this behavior puts everyone at legal risk, included you.

[Aroundtheblock]

[There's a few things here that bothered me about your post. If your husband has a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. If he does not see it as a problem or denies what you see, or does not want help there is not alot you can do but get help for yourself and learn how not to aide him in his issues. The other thing here is that your SD is sleeping in the same bedroom as her dad, this is not alright. You said she is 19? They took their drinking to the camper? Was that to avoid you? I would not be comfortable with this behavior.

/quote]

Hi! 

I gave husband an ultimatum.  Counseling or divorce.  He said I was the one who needs the counseling... .not him.  I can't make him see my point of view.  Both he and BPD SD are appalled that I have insulted them to such a degree.  Husband stood strong on his stance that he has done nothing wrong. 

They took the party to the camper the night I confronted them about drinking and sleeping together.  They did it to irritate me. 

BPD SD leaves tomorrow (I hope)... .of course they are still out of my house and I've had no contact but that was the plan.  Once she leaves, he won't have the voice on his left shoulder telling how to act... .he will probably sober up and have time to sort it out.  When he becomes reasonable, that's when we will discuss the divorce. 

Blended families are tough!  I have two of my own.  Lots and lots of horror stories but we somehow managed to survive... .till now. 

[satahal]

I am running.  For years I tried to solve, mend, fix this situation.  I've made excuses for both of them.  I spent a night in jail that I resent both of them for.  I now have finally made myself accountable and revealed everything to my parents... .the ultimate, final turning point.  I've made a life of pretense, happiness, comfort, I have been living a lie and only to protect them, when it was me who needed protecting.  I am sad and hurting, but I know I have no other choice.  This will destroy me if I don't stop it.

I believe that. A lot of us here have suffered not just mentally and emotionally, but also physically from the stress. I had migraines for a few years - really debilitating, several day a week migraines.

strength I feel now is not a feeling of being strong... .I'm hurting, my heart is bursting, but I feel so horrible that a man I thought loved me turned on me in such a betraying way.  I feel strong that I finally broke some barriers that I created... .I did it... .I stood ground on many levels I stayed clear of... .  I fear being single, I fear being alone.  I'm terrified... .but, they are gone now.  Out of my home. 

It is a good feeling to make that stand - to decide you're worth protecting. It's a profound moment.

Is financial circumstances that are holding you hostage?  You appear very aware of your position, your obviously intelligent….what holds you back besides your younger son and waiting for him to graduate?

Financial to a degree - though I started freelancing again last August and I'm doing well. Still ramping up to where I am making enough to fully support myself. The biggie is his relationship with my son. My son adores him - and my partner is extremely patient and loving towards my son. He's not without problem behavior by any means - but he genuinely loves my son and has been good to him and for him in important ways - particularly in helping my son deal with his abusive father (yes, I know how to pick them).

I have been with husband now for 10 years... .married for 2 years.  I miss him.  We always imagined a time in our lives with no kids... .just adult children, with children of their own... .our grandkids and we would spoil them, we talked about holidays with the clan we raised.  I feel utter resentment now.  A waste of my time.  I want to move forward one year.  Move past this whole nightmare.  What on earth was I thinking.  Nothing makes you more wise than experience.

You're thinking, "There's good here. We can build on this. There's potential for so much joy."

I wish we were near each other to offer more support.  You seem so in touch with your situation, yet so far away with a solution.  I sense you feel trapped. 

That's a pretty accurate assessment. I'm trying to work my way out of the trap. Setting boundaries - some of which have actually stuck and getting my finances together so I can see a way out. I wish we were closer geographically too!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders