Moving on and creative action

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I wanted to share on where I am at in the grieving/detachment process.

It has been 10 days since breaking up with my pwBPD. I broke up with her rather abruptly over text message. She had gone off on another tirade and it felt as if the last straw had finally fallen upon the camel's back. At the time I was reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline," to try to learn skills for making the relationship work, but at that moment I flipped directly to the section on Staying vs. Leaving. After reading the section, I decided that I wanted to end the relationship once and for all - So i did so over text, wishing her well, but telling her I could no longer tolerate the anguish the relationship was causing me.

I subsequently went NC. However, I broke NC two days ago. I felt the need to send her one final message. So, I recorded a heart felt video message telling her all the things I wanted to communicate: That I was really grateful for the love we shared together, That as much as I wanted to keep trying and make things work, I was exhausted and could no longer find the strength, That I hoped she would seek treatment so that she might find a more fulfilling life with more satisfying relationships, etc. I felt good about the message I was sending, as it feels as if there is more closure between us.

However, she emailed me back with a video of her own, and a message - she called me a "Pus*y." Likely because I shed a tear in the video and refused to meet with her in person (truthfully, out of a fear of her insanity). I decided not to watch the video, not until I have grieved more fully.

Here is what I really wanted to share about though.

I met her right as I was finishing my final semester of undergrad. The summer was suppose to be a time of diligently preparing for my future: studying for the Graduate Record Exam, applying to grad schools, and finding a new Job. However, the relationship, being my first, ended up taking up a huge portion of my attention. I felt that, "I have always wanted to be in a relationship, and now i have one, so i want to enjoy it and devote lots of time to it."

Now the relationship is over, and all of the momentum I had towards my professional aspirations has come to a grinding halt due to this grieving. It is difficult. I just want so badly to get on with my life and not be plagued by this depression. I fear that this funk I am in will hold me up another year; that i will lack the motivation to apply to grad schools in time. 

I suppose I just have to push through. My friend said that he "declared war" on the grieving process. That he refused to let his negative emotions get in the way of him living his life. It sounds easy in theory. Tomorrow I am going to try it. To get up and do what I need to do regardless of how I am feeling. This whole ordeal has just been so traumatic though.

Any feedback would be appreciated. How did your grieving process unfold? How long did it take to get back into the groove of life? What helped? What sort of mentality is beneficial?

[Darsha500]

Hi all,

I wanted to share on where I am at in the grieving/detachment process.

It has been 10 days since breaking up with my pwBPD. I broke up with her rather abruptly over text message. She had gone off on another tirade and it felt as if the last straw had finally fallen upon the camel's back. At the time I was reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline," to try to learn skills for making the relationship work, but at that moment I flipped directly to the section on Staying vs. Leaving. After reading the section, I decided that I wanted to end the relationship once and for all - So i did so over text, wishing her well, but telling her I could no longer tolerate the anguish the relationship was causing me.

I subsequently went NC. However, I broke NC two days ago. I felt the need to send her one final message. So, I recorded a heart felt video message telling her all the things I wanted to communicate: That I was really grateful for the love we shared together, That as much as I wanted to keep trying and make things work, I was exhausted and could no longer find the strength, That I hoped she would seek treatment so that she might find a more fulfilling life with more satisfying relationships, etc. I felt good about the message I was sending, as it feels as if there is more closure between us.

However, she emailed me back with a video of her own, and a message - she called me a "Pus*y." Likely because I shed a tear in the video and refused to meet with her in person (truthfully, out of a fear of her insanity). I decided not to watch the video, not until I have grieved more fully.

Here is what I really wanted to share about though.

I met her right as I was finishing my final semester of undergrad. The summer was suppose to be a time of diligently preparing for my future: studying for the Graduate Record Exam, applying to grad schools, and finding a new Job. However, the relationship, being my first, ended up taking up a huge portion of my attention. I felt that, "I have always wanted to be in a relationship, and now i have one, so i want to enjoy it and devote lots of time to it."

Now the relationship is over, and all of the momentum I had towards my professional aspirations has come to a grinding halt due to this grieving. It is difficult. I just want so badly to get on with my life and not be plagued by this depression. I fear that this funk I am in will hold me up another year; that i will lack the motivation to apply to grad schools in time. 

I suppose I just have to push through. My friend said that he "declared war" on the grieving process. That he refused to let his negative emotions get in the way of him living his life. It sounds easy in theory. Tomorrow I am going to try it. To get up and do what I need to do regardless of how I am feeling. This whole ordeal has just been so traumatic though.

Any feedback would be appreciated. How did your grieving process unfold? How long did it take to get back into the groove of life? What helped? What sort of mentality is beneficial?

[SummerStorm]

Hi Darsha500.

That must have been terrible for you, to have sent a heartfelt video message, only to be met by a harsh reply from her.  I had something similar happen to me.  She sent me a (nice) card and told me not to contact her.  I later asked if I could just send her a few questions to answer, to help me with some things I'm struggling with, and she just replied, "No." That was it. 

Everyone grieves differently.  My one co-worker told me that taking a grad class would have helped her.  I know it wouldn't have helped me.  I don't even have the desire to read the book for my bookclub right now, much less write research papers.

Remember that the five stages of grief aren't necessarily linear. I've been bouncing back and forth between depression and anger.  Bargaining became pointless after I started understanding BPD. 

Things were starting to get better, and then I got that card from her and stuff that she had borrowed from me.

You should start to eventually notice that the number of good days you have will start to increase, little by little.

I was discarded on June 16th.  I've had contact twice since then.  One went okay.  The other did not.  If she has painted you black, and it looks like she has, stay NC because you won't get anything useful or positive from her.  Any type of "normal" conversation you once had will not return.

I'm a teacher, and I soon have to get back in the groove of life because school starts soon.  I'm also taking a grad class.  In November, I'm moving into my new house.  By the end of the year, I want to adopt two cats.

Start making some long-term plans and stick to them.  Don't go crazy and schedule something every day.  Start small.

I'm very good with a structured schedule.  So, I decided to go hiking every Monday.  No matter what, unless it was pouring down rain, I was going hiking every Monday.  Since July 6, I've only missed one Monday.  This past Monday, I was exhausted from being away all day Sunday and getting home late.  But I still went hiking.  I committed to it, and I've stuck to that committment.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi Darsha, and welcome! I'm sorry you're dealing with the painful ending and aftermath of a BPD relationship.

I'm glad you were able to find your own closure with the video you sent her. That's important.

Now the relationship is over, and all of the momentum I had towards my professional aspirations has come to a grinding halt due to this grieving. It is difficult. I just want so badly to get on with my life and not be plagued by this depression.

You're right - grieving is difficult. It's painful to lose a relationship, to lose someone you love. Plus, disordered relationships often leave us feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted. It's only human to feel depressed, drained... .just plain tired.

You've been wounded. You need and deserve time to heal from those wounds. One of the beautiful members of this board once helped me tremendously by likening it to a soldier. If a soldier is wounded, he will be given the time and means to heal before going back into battle.

I promise you - the depression is temporary. You will get on with your life, and you will feel better. I can't tell you how long it will take for you to go through the grieving process, because that's a very individual thing. But I can promise that it will not last forever.

In the meantime, let yourself feel your feelings. Be good to yourself. Lean on your support system. Take care of yourself. Sit with your feelings and process them. And keep posting - it helps to talk.

I fear that this funk I am in will hold me up another year; that i will lack the motivation to apply to grad schools in time. 

What is your deadline for applying? What would be the result of you being "held up" for another year, if that happens?

My friend said that he "declared war" on the grieving process. That he refused to let his negative emotions get in the way of him living his life. It sounds easy in theory. Tomorrow I am going to try it. To get up and do what I need to do regardless of how I am feeling. This whole ordeal has just been so traumatic though.

I did the same thing you're talking about - I got up every day and did what needed to be done to take care of myself. And yes, there were some days when that meant "take a vacation day and spend it binge-watching Netflix in bed." Sometimes you just need time to fall apart, or time to indulge and soothe yourself.

It's good not to let negative emotions overtake our lives. At the same time, you've just been through a traumatic experience - these are very real and valid emotions that deserve to be acknowledged and felt. If they're repressed, then we can't fully heal. We can't learn and grow.

Any feedback would be appreciated. How did your grieving process unfold? How long did it take to get back into the groove of life? What helped? What sort of mentality is beneficial?

Grieving and healing are not linear processes... .and it takes what it takes. You can't force healing. And every person is different, so timelines are useless.

Now, if you're asking about the immediate "oh my god I just want to crawl into a hole and cry until I'm a withered husk" feeling - that goes away pretty quickly. It may (probably will) come back at times, though. Eventually you will have more good moments than bad moments, and then more good days than bad days. The important thing is that it does get better.

The best thing you can do is focus on and take care of yourself.