Things I found out after the breakup...

[Pretty Woman]

Last night I went out to dinner with two of my close girlfriends. The topic of the ex came up and it was interesting to hear some of the "aftermath" of my relationship I wasn't aware of because I immediately deactivated my "Facebook", went NC and pretty much dissapeared from anywhere my ex might be.

I've made myself as invisible as possible for a "social butterfly" who runs a social group with 400 people... .and lives less than a mile away from their ex.   I am actually impressed I have been able to stay off social media. It's actually been refreshing!

When my ex left in late May she immediately took up with this new girl (from my social club, of course)... .in fact the day she left she was sleeping at her place that very night. I thought this gal was a new friend of ours, I even had confided in her over drinks one night my ex and I had had issues and were working on them. She knew about the cheating (multiple times) and went for her anyway... .

speaking of "Bad Character" I personally think this may be a match made in heaven!  

Karma, baby! We all know she will get exactly what she deserves.  

Anyways, sorry for the "side bar" trash talk... .now back to the story  ... .

My ex and I were supposed to go to Mexico on a once in a lifetime trip... .we were guests at a 15K a week villa... .something we would never do had we not been invited. The week we were to go (and now I was going alone---because she dumped me) a friend announced she was relocating for work and send out a message to all of us to get together one last time at the horse track.

I immediately emailed this friend I would be in Mexico and that my ex left me AGAIN for someone else. One thing I have never hid in this relationship is how I was treated. While I realize it made me look like a victim, I will say it made people see my ex's true colors in the aftermath... .esp this final time. I have more support than I ever imagined.

The next response was my ex saying she would be there "with bells on". She responded to the GROUP (so I saw it). I had responded privately to my friend.

The funny thing is my ex HATES this person. She has never said anything kind about her or any of the other ladies attending this function and all these women are people who we met in a social group I host. They know her really through me. Because my ex does not have a personal identity no one (including me) really knows her... .she is just "part of the crowd" in a social setting. She's a person to throw back a beer with and crack a joke... .that's about all, folks! No DEEP conversation here.

So the day of this get together she brings the new girlfriend... .AND is all over her! These are all our "straight friends" so that was MORE THAN a little uncomfortable for them (I am not into PDA and definitely not PDA in front of people in a group I run. I try to be professional and respectable)... .not to mention they were in shock she was being so disrespectful to me bringing this person to meet them... .they really thought she wouldn't come as they are my friends and they had just been to a huge birthday party I threw for my ex in late April.

So it was very awkward and a big "show" that turned them off.

Then, I find out from another friend, early in our "breakup makeups" (like two years ago) my ex called her crying telling her she feared for her safety and that I had "severe mood swings" that vacillated between really high and really low. That she thought I had a severe mood disorder and needed to be admitted to a psych ward.

I can laugh now. But it all makes sense why her sister has tried to threaten me and my job... .she and everyone else has been fed a ton of lies about me. Now this friend who told me found it laughable... .hence why she was telling me. She said she never believed it but she didn't know me well enough at the time to say anything. She recently unfriended the ex and basically said anyone who knows me has a good idea of who I am and what I am about... .she (the ex) carries no weight in our circle.

Over the past week my ex has posted a TON on Facebook about friends unfriending her over our relationship. If I was the new GF I would be mortified. What does it matter? Isn't she "in love" and "over the moon"? She is 43. Who posts that stuff. It is very grade school... .then again so is her emotional level.

In the past my ex would tell me dumping me was "social suicide" and yeah I took her back after that comment. Clearly I was a NEED for her "social life facade" and that was about it.  I never heard "I'm sorry" EVER in three years! When she came back it was because she said "I changed, I was different now".

Um, nope. Same Pretty Woman here.  

I find it crazy she wants to insert this person into my social circle. This new GF joined our group to make friends and ended up with my girlfriend. I kicked both of them out immediately. I am not Julie on the Loveboat (ok dated reference here). I am not the "social director for the emotionally disturbed". I am not allowing someone into a group that I enjoy and that is my sanctuary. This is my hobby and my joy outside of work.

Boundaries. I am becoming The Queen of them!

I am loving that people that aren't even that close to me are errecting their own personal boundaries and keeping her out. No one is putting me in a bad position and for that I am truly grateful.

It's amazing the shyt I am finding out. It is giving me so much clarity. It is also helping to fully let go. I mean if she has painted me at violent... .maybe a restraining order WOULD stick? Who the hell wants to chance that? I also don't care to lose the best job I've ever had over a crap BPD relationship, again over false allegations.

Time and learning more really puts things into perspective. I know not all of you are NOT here yet in your healing but trust me... .the longer you are away from them the clearer things become.

Love is not worrying that the police might come and take you away or that HR will call you in and fire you for false allegations from their sibling (who is my co-worker). She has screwed with my life so bad... .even my worst enemy would not do this... .in fact she IS my worst enemy... this person who lied to me and called me: "The Love of my life" and "my best friend"... .a wolf in sheeps clothing who will eventually show up (I am certain) in tears wanting me... .no NEEDING me because she made a HUGE Mistake and I am "The One".

Re-engaging is dangerous. Love-Bombing YOURSELF essential.

Be good to you.

PW

[Skip]

What happened that is resurfacing all this old emotions, PW?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Skip,

  Hearing things from friends after the fact, when all is said and done. I actually think it has helped me to feel these emotions... .I feel like I may have been revealing them here on this board but was holding alot inside... .supressing a lot and carrying it around with me. I had a heavy heart for a very long time. They aren't bad emotions. My mindset is different now.  There were things I didn't know were being done in this relationship... .things I was naieve about. Things that didn't make sense that makes sense in the now. We don't always get that... .the truth in these relationships... .we get partial truths at best. For me, it's a sense of closure. For me, it's helping me realize this really wasn't really a "relationship". It was very one-sided... .and that's ok. I am capable of accepting and being loved and I will experience this again someday... .with a healthy partner.

You've seen me on here how many years... .three now?

It's taken several breakups for me to see the light in this. I am really greatful to this board and the venue to vent and get valuable feedback. I am a writer so writing is very cathartic for me, almost theraputic although I will be honest, therapy other than posting on here is critical.

I think it's really getting myself back.  I sure missed me. This is me... .emerging again, feeling the warmth of the light and sun on my skin.  

PW

[rotiroti]

PW,

you're a very engaging writer, you know that? Thank you for sharing your progress and starting my day full of hope and courage! Reading out that last paragraph about how love shouldn't be cruel and paranoid is really resonating with me right now. Love-bombing of the self + a Loveboat reference had me rolling on the floor.

Keep on loving life PW!

[repititionqueen]

Thanks for sharing PW  I also enjoy your writing style!

Good for you staying off social media! I too always feel a lot better when I disengage... .you just made me realize I should do this again... .I feel like Facebook really has nothing to offer me anymore... .

It's always painful to find out more insight about what your ex was doing while you were still together or after you are apart, however, the best part is when you can let it all go and have no anger or sadness from their wrongdoing. 

I found out from a mutual friend that every time my ex and I fought he would go and talk to his now girlfriend, former coworker. At the time he told me he just needed space to think and clear his head and that he went for a drive. When my friend first told me the truth I felt that wrenching pain in my chest of betrayal, almost like a stab in the heart... .even now writing this I'm still a bit annoyed that he did this to me but you know what?... .None of that matters now! We aren't together. He's not a good person. He needed someone else to be co-dependent with after our break up and he's got her! I'm in a much better place than he is, so I should really be happy that he found someone else and is leaving me alone to move on with my life! Loyalty is so important to me and he didn't even understand the meaning of that.

From what I've heard from our mutual friend he isn't treating this girl much better than me, she just seems to be very passive and puts up with all of the bad behaviour.

Good work going NC and keeping your ex out of your social circle! 

and thanks for the advice: "Re-engaging is dangerous. Love-Bombing YOURSELF essential.

Be good to you."

I'm quite content not dating anyone right now I just want to take care of myself, stay happy, and surround myself with good people 

Your social group sounds really cool! I'm trying to build more community for myself. It's when you're lonely that you become most vulnerable... . 

[Mutt]

Hi Pretty Woman,

I can see how that would be hard laying low when you run a social group with 400. It's good to hear that you find the experience refreshing 

For me, it's helping me realize this really wasn't really a "relationship". It was very one-sided... .and that's ok

What do you mean when you say it was a very one-sided r/s? I had a r/s with my ex thinking that it was going to reciprocal and I didn't understand that I was an emotional caretaker and that she couldn't do or give me similar things that I gave her. I'm OK with that because I know that she suffers from mental illness.

[Pretty Woman]

Repetition Queen... .I think we need to give you a new moniker 

Check out meetup.com  there are a ton of fun groups to join. That's the site I started mine on.

You bring up something really valid and worth noting... .once they have your replacement it does allow you to move on. Doesn't mean they will stay with this person, and they may very well attempt contact again, but this allows you to clear your head and start to move on.

I recycled two times. I am done with that crap.  This time, I have put up strong boundaries and am focusing on me... .reconnecting with all the people I was essentially isolated from.

Time DOES heal. Use it wisely.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Mutt,

   I guess by one-sided I really mean I too became the caregiver. I didn't realize that until much more towards the end. This was no longer a romantic relationship. This was me constantly trying to save her... .make her feel safe and secure... .

my maternal instinct kicking in.

On the flip side when I was stressed over something like my father in the hospital, or a work issue... .she would dump me or cheat. I never had that reciprocal trust and love... .I could not count on this person for nothing. I could not lean into this person.

One-sided.

I held in all my stressors to prevent her from leaving me. I was enabling her and shoving down my feelings.  I began to have a lot of resentment towards her.

Whether sick or not, these people KNOW something is wrong with them. There is only so much, "But I know it's her illness" excuses we can make for them. If they pulled this crap anywhere else they would have to be held accountable... .like work... .like in public venues. They CAN behave when they have to. We enabled their behavior in many ways. If WE were 100% even 95% healthy we wouldn't have stayed in these chaos-riddled relationships. There ARE people who do get help for this and then there are those that don't, who don't even try.

PW

[repititionqueen]

Repetition Queen... .I think we need to give you a new moniker 

Check out meetup.com  there are a ton of fun groups to join. That's the site I started mine on.

You bring up something really valid and worth noting... .once they have your replacement it does allow you to move on. Doesn't mean they will stay with this person, and they may very well attempt contact again, but this allows you to clear your head and start to move on.

I recycled two times. I am done with that crap.  This time, I have put up strong boundaries and am focusing on me... .reconnecting with all the people I was essentially isolated from.

Time DOES heal. Use it wisely.

Thanks! I just checked out meetup.com it looks awesome!

I should choose a new moniker haha   No more repeating past mistakes  

[Pretty Woman]

Personally I think you should just be: The Queen.

or Queen of Hearts Off with their heads! 


Meetup.com has a lot of groups for various hobbies. I will caution you may run into BPD's along the way... .meetup is a great source for supply... .I should know as my ex left me twice for meetup-ers... .but you will be able to spot the red flags now.

You are an expert.

[Skip]

Whether sick or not, these people KNOW something is wrong with them. There is only so much, "But I know it's her illness" excuse we can make for them. We enabled their behavior in many ways. If WE were 100% even 95% healthy we wouldn't have stayed in these chaos-riddled relationships. There ARE people who do get help for this and then there are those that don't, who don't even try.

There's great lessons we learn when we are a long time out.  One for me was that we don't make the excuse for our partners - we made the excuses for ourselves because it benefited us.

If we were enablers (not everyone was), we enabled because we got a payoff for doing it.  This is the core of codependency.

For the enabler a codependent relationship fulfills a strong drive to feel needed. Some enablers always need to be in a relationship because they feel lost or lonely when they’re by themselves.  Codependents are often inherently afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own, and in these cases the enabling behavior is a way to mitigate fears of abandonment.  Codependent enablers often lack in self-worth and define their worth through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them. They need other people to validate them to feel okay about themselves and without this, they are unable to find their own worth or identity.  For some, the codependent relationship will satisfy the need to feel competent and low self-esteem is boosted by comparing oneself to the dysfunctional partner.

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

When I read your paragraph above, I can't help but notice that it starts and ends with an assessment of your partner and your frustration that she didn't get help. The first post (OP) is largely about her deficiencies.

She's long gone.

The hard, look-in-the-mirror question we have to ask ourselves, is, are we doing it again?

[twanda2020]

    I guess by one-sided I really mean I too became the caregiver. I didn't realize that until much more towards the end. This was no longer a romantic relationship. This was me constantly trying to save her... .make her feel safe and secure... .

my maternal instinct kicking in.

On the flip side when I was stressed over something like my father in the hospital, or a work issue... .she would dump me or cheat. I never had that reciprocal trust and love... .I could not count on this person for nothing. I could not lean into this person.

One-sided.

PW - This hit home for me. Mine didn't cheat, and I could count on mine for some things. Like a ride from the car shop if my car was being worked on. Sometimes she would go with me to do the shopping. Just couldn't count on her emotional support, finicial help, by the end chores or help around the house. Though she did help me build a deck, this was after the B/U, while she was living in my house still rent free, bill free, and IMing the 1st replacement. Maybe she felt guilt or maybe she was trying to show how wonderful she was to the new GF.

I realize now that I have a great of resentment, anger, guilt, and sadness about everything. I needed those things she didn't/counldn't provide and I very rarely ever said anything about it, because I didn't want to trigger something, or start a fight. If I ever brought up stuff like that somehow I was blaming, when all I was trying to was be honest and express my needs, desires, hopes, fears. How nice would be to be able to vulnerable with someone and it actually improved the realtionship... .?

I been recycled once and in NC for a little over 2 weeks (or is it 3). She is now living with the 2nd replacement. She hasn't contacted me, to busy being happy and in love. I did say I need some time to digest everything that had happened, maybe sh is respecting that? Nah I think I am not even a thought in her mind right now.

I am feeling guilty about saying we could be friends, but feeling like I can't be friends or even think about it until I am completely detached. I think my struggle is because we stayed together for 19 years. So hard to detach from that. Everything I knew and was, was wrapped up in her.

If they pulled this crap anywhere else they would have to be held accountable... .like work... .like in public venues. They CAN behave when they have to.

Had laugh here. It was something like 12-14 jobs, which most she was fired from in 21 years I have known her. So many I choose to ignore. Still doesn't make this any easier. I really love her, but that isn't enough. The relationship has to go both ways, even in friendship.

I know that one day I will find myself off the crazy back and forth emotional roller coaster ride. Trying to do the work, trying to see my mistakes and issues.

Thanks for your posts. It is helping me more then you know. I want to be a healthy happy person who can be in healthy happy realtionships. That is my goal.

[Pretty Woman]

Twanda,

  Mine was "layed off" a lot.  But from what she told me she screwed some people over.

 

She hasn't gotten a raise in two years and her boss is a billionaire.

Yes, billionaire.

I know there were a lot more lies than I was privy to or even know about.

And I am fine. Not my problem anymore.

[SummerStorm]

A couple of people chimed in with comments about jobs.  It is interesting to see how a pwBPD's behavior really is like putting a song on replay. 

My former friend BPD was always vague about jobs.  I met her when she was 21, just getting ready to turn 22.  She had worked at a local convenience store, a store at the mall, a McDonald's, and a restaurant, all by the time she was 21. And those are just the places I know about. 

Her year at the high school where I work started off shaky.  She decided to test boundaries (called off "sick" the day after her birthday and didn't follow proper procedures), but her mentor teacher put her in her place very quickly.  She towed the line until she got her first long-term position.  Then, she started calling off a lot more often.  By her second long-term position, she had started smoking pot again and was smoking right before work, was coming in late every day, and was basically just sitting around all day coloring with the kids.  It was an art position, but still... .she should have been walking around, monitoring them.  She killed any chances of getting a good recommendation from the principal.

[Gonzalo]

PW - This hit home for me. Mine didn't cheat, and I could count on mine for some things. Like a ride from the car shop if my car was being worked on. Sometimes she would go with me to do the shopping. Just couldn't count on her emotional support, finicial help, by the end chores or help around the house. Though she did help me build a deck, this was after the B/U, while she was living in my house still rent free, bill free, and IMing the 1st replacement.

That was a lot like mine (though she didn't help with the house after the breakup one bit, ). There were certain things she would do well, like doing ride share if one car was in the shop, or making food for me if I was sick. But just like your ex-, she couldn't provide real financial help, barely did chores (and always wanted huge 'thank yous' for basic stuff like dishes), and couldn't provide real emotional support. I think in a lot of ways their damaged personality leads to them having parts of a person, so they have a sense of wanting to help a partner and some things they do well, but huge missing pieces that they don't even notice. I think that's how my ex- was able to think that she was doing 80% of the work in the relationship, she was doing those pieces that she understands and can do and just doesn't see the stuff she's not doing as real.