One more thing I need to get off my chest...

[keldubs78]

If you read my previous post, you will see that I lost my dad who I was extremely close to on July 25.  He had been battling Esophageal Cancer and while we knew it had returned in the liver with one small spot, we had no idea how fast it would take him from us.

Anyway, Father's Day weekend I went to see him (and my BPD mom was there).  My dad had really been feeling terrible and the doctors couldn't explain it because his previous CT scan (just weeks before) showed only the one small spot and they did not feel that would be cause for him feeling so bad.  I knew it was going to be a stressful weekend because my mom was up to her usual antics and was increasingly flying off the handle more and more the sicker he got.  It was Father's Day though and while I didn't know for certain it would be the last one I would ever spend with him, I suspected it would be.

So, I got down where they live and I had brought him a book for Father's Day that was entitled, "I love you, Dad and here's Why."  In it there are all sorts of prompts and questions that ask you about memories or to describe what you love the most about your dad, etc.  I had filled it out and on Saturday night, the night before Father's Day my dad and I got some alone time to watch a movie and have some pizza.  My gracious BPD Mom granted us a few hours of being alone, something she rarely would do because she had to be in control and was also afraid we would be talking about her behind her back.  I gave him the book that night and he decided he wanted to set it aside and read one day while he was alone so he could really take it in and enjoy it.  It was left on the counter that night.

The following morning, Father's Day, I woke up and my mom had read the book (fine, it was sitting out and it wasn't something I was opposed to her reading but she didn't even ask and it upset me that she read it before he did - although to her credit, she didn't know he hadn't).  The ensuing argument has left me so angry and upset especially because he died 5 weeks later and that WAS, in fact, my last father's day I will ever have with him.

She made a snarky remark about how nice the book was and how she wished she would have had a child who would write something like that about her.  She then dropped the bomb, "I should have had a boy."  Now, I am an only child and a girl.  She has always stereotyped that girls love their fathers and boys love their mothers so the fact that we have a terrible relationship of course can't be because she's a horrible witch of a mother.  It must be because I wasn't a boy. 

I had promised myself I would not fight with my mom in front of my dad because he was so ill and it was Father's Day afterall but I couldn't let that remark go.  I lit into her about how could she say that and maybe if she looked in a mirror, she would understand why I would never, ever write a book like that to her.  We got into a huge fight and my dad was there and got involved.  I'm mad at her but also at myself for even responding to her but it happened and I have to live with it. 

BPD is just a horrible, horrible disorder.  My mom is not satisfied unless she is provoking the ones who are closest into some kind of a fight.  90% of the time I just let it go.  I know it isn't going to change and I know that telling her what she is doing is hurtful only makes it worse.  It makes her defend herself and her actions more or she denies that's what she did or says, she didn't mean it that way and I'm the one who is being overly sensitive.  I do not like drama nor do I have it with any other single person in my life which is filled with many friends and loved ones.  Yet, she behaves this way with EVERYONE in her life and can't see that she is the problem.  Biting my tongue and taking it though is challenging.  Sometimes even if I don't get through to her, it makes me feel better to lash back at her.  It feels good to say it out loud to her.  It always ends up in more misery since she then plays the victim but sometimes, like this particular incident, I just can't sit by and let her behave any way she feels she's allowed while the rest of us are just forced to take it. 

[SunshinePuzzle]

keldubs, I want to hug you. What a myopic and selfish response for her to have about a loving gift you got for your dad.  I'm sorry you have this memory now associated with your last Father's Day with him. Hopefully, over time it will fade more as you remember HIS reactions to the gift and the moments you shared with him.

It's such a strange thing to me that so many BPD mothers that folks talk about on this board seem to create the VERY reality they are afraid of: that no one will love them, that they will be alone, etc.

My mom has always said and done similar things (no matter what gift you give her, she ALWAYS complains about it and has to remark on how much better someone else's gift is/was).  She also has always said things about how we love our dad more than her, how we are never nice to her, how no one wants to do anything with her, no one cares about her, etc etc.  In the past I used to argue these statements; as a kid I'd try and take care of her feelings, insisting I loved her just as much. As a teen I fought her. As a young adult I tried to have very careful logical conversations with her about how or why she might think these things. And now - I am struck with the reality that those are true now. She succeeded in creating the sick reality that was only in her head at one point: I finally DO love my dad more. I DO prefer to be around my dad... .I prefer to be around most anyone else, really. It blows my mind that she can't see how she continues to create the very reality she so fears. This is what I thought of when you said you finally unloaded on her and let her know why you'd never give her a gift like that. It's not your fault keldubs. How do they expect to receive love when all they put out is hate?

I have a new resolution: which is to avoid conflict with my mom.  But like you, I have fought with her in the past. I have lost my temper and unloaded on her.  And yeah, it did feel good to say those things to her, to finally say the truth.  As you wrote though, in the end she will always use that kind of response to play the victim, so it's not constructive in terms of ending the cycle with her, but jeez it can feel good at the time, and - if it's something you haven't done a lot before (stand up to her) it is probably a good thing for you!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. What a beautiful gift to give him.

[keldubs78]

Thank you for your response.  I am definitely going through the toughest time of my life and it would be difficult to lose my dad no matter what but to deal with my mother's behaviors past and present are just setting me over the edge.  Thank you for validating my feelings and letting me know I'm not alone.