NPD brother attack as father dying, any advice?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

In brief, mum 89 has BPD & dementia. Impossible to say where the overlap is. Dad 83 is dying. Some NPD traits and he has been the enabler. Bro is grandiose npd. In last few years I have chosen to dramatically limit contact with bro. He gets especially disdainful & hostile towards me when either parent is ill & I touch on any emotional content. Have learned the hard way to be business-like.

My Dad is dying at home, getting closer each day though still conscious. Currently all 4 of us are in family home as of 36 hrs ago! Have been managing it ok, bro & I taking it in turns to be here, but my Dad is closer to the end now. Y'day bro lashed out at me over something tiny. I asked him to wipe the bottom of a bowl! Called me into another room (caught off guard I went into the room). He offloaded rage, disdain & threats. It's activated a familiar trauma response in me - terror.

Want to be here w my Dad but also need to care for myself. Background, bro golden child, me scapegoat. Dad has really been my only real parent, not withstanding a lot of confusion in my relationship w him which I have unravelled over many years of therapy. Mum has hated me, felt threatened by me pretty much from birth. Thought I was the other woman! Now that Dad's dying she's clingy  Bro trying to engineer for mum to go into care near him. I live 2-3 hrs away. Am standing my ground in terms of joint power-of-attorney etc. over mum, but shaken up by bro's attack last night. Up until now I've felt grounded in my process about Dad dying, accepting, complete in many ways about his departure. Clear about how to navigate my relationship w mum when he's gone, clear about how unhinged she may be once he goes. Now I feel sick, wonder how to deal w bro over their estate & my mum's care when he goes. Would appreciate your insight! xx

[JulesC]

In brief, mum 89 has BPD & dementia. Impossible to say where the overlap is. Dad 83 is dying. Some NPD traits and he has been the enabler. Bro is grandiose npd. In last few years I have chosen to dramatically limit contact with bro. He gets especially disdainful & hostile towards me when either parent is ill & I touch on any emotional content. Have learned the hard way to be business-like.

My Dad is dying at home, getting closer each day though still conscious. Currently all 4 of us are in family home as of 36 hrs ago! Have been managing it ok, bro & I taking it in turns to be here, but my Dad is closer to the end now. Y'day bro lashed out at me over something tiny. I asked him to wipe the bottom of a bowl! Called me into another room (caught off guard I went into the room). He offloaded rage, disdain & threats. It's activated a familiar trauma response in me - terror.

Want to be here w my Dad but also need to care for myself. Background, bro golden child, me scapegoat. Dad has really been my only real parent, not withstanding a lot of confusion in my relationship w him which I have unravelled over many years of therapy. Mum has hated me, felt threatened by me pretty much from birth. Thought I was the other woman! Now that Dad's dying she's clingy  Bro trying to engineer for mum to go into care near him. I live 2-3 hrs away. Am standing my ground in terms of joint power-of-attorney etc. over mum, but shaken up by bro's attack last night. Up until now I've felt grounded in my process about Dad dying, accepting, complete in many ways about his departure. Clear about how to navigate my relationship w mum when he's gone, clear about how unhinged she may be once he goes. Now I feel sick, wonder how to deal w bro over their estate & my mum's care when he goes. Would appreciate your insight! xx

[Deb]

I wish I had some words of advice for you. All I can do is tell you that death is the ultimate abandonment, so I can see what is behind your brother's rage. That doesn't help you however. Hopefully, someone with more wisdom on this will come along. Stay safe and hugs to you during this trying time.

[JulesC]

Deb

It does help. I was so spun out today by the rage that came my way & just to get your reply was soothing, plus you are right. Abandonment beyond what's imaginable. So, I have managed to ground during the day & slowly seeing what I need to do next. An important next step is to make sure the POA is watertight with joint signatures required at every step.

I took a long walk on the beach today & lay on the earth for a while holding the last in me that longs for nurturing from her brother. Turning her in towards myself and my support systems. Adult brother is not the place to be looking for nurturing! And of course this dynamic is actually decades old but has taken a lot to uncover to this extent.

Thanks for writing 

[Leaving]

Deb

It does help. I was so spun out today by the rage that came my way & just to get your reply was soothing, plus you are right. Abandonment beyond what's imaginable. So, I have managed to ground during the day & slowly seeing what I need to do next. An important next step is to make sure the POA is watertight with joint signatures required at every step.

I took a long walk on the beach today & lay on the earth for a while holding the last in me that longs for nurturing from her brother. Turning her in towards myself and my support systems. Adult brother is not the place to be looking for nurturing! And of course this dynamic is actually decades old but has taken a lot to uncover to this extent.

Thanks for writing 

Jules,

I've been a similar situation when my grandmother was dying.  The only advice I would give you is what you are already doing with the POA and any other legal matters.  I was not so wise and I got screwed royally by my own mother who liquidated her mother's estate before she died and basically funneled everything into her own pockets. Death in these types of families becomes such a sad sick situation.  I tried preparing myself for the worst for many years prior to my grandmother's death.  I even planned on bowing-out just so I could avoid the hurt and shame of being screwed by my mother.  My counselors told me that I had every right to pursue what was legally mine or rather, what my grandmother wanted me to have but I just couldn't muster the courage to 'go there'.  Anyway, don't become road pavement.  Protect what is rightfully yours.

Your brother targets you to vent his fear, anger, etc...   My brother has always done the same to me anytime there was a family dispute.  It was always easier to blame me than to look at himself or the truth about his mother/family. 

In the past two years I've learned how truly weak he really is.  Before that, I thought I was the weak one and that he was the strong, smart, capable one.  My brother would be so lost without his NPD mother pulling his strings.

[JulesC]

Hi Leaving

Thanks for your support too. I feel utterly sick about today & dealing with the lawyers but this is my only chance to stand my ground & I will do it, sick and terrified or not!

I was married to an uBPD & didn't have the strength to stand up then. Got completely screwed financially & now raise our daughter alone w no involvement from him. It taught me a big lesson & thanks to great ongoing therapy I've worked w my own trauma enough to be able to do what I need to today.

Death in these types of families becomes such a sad sick situation - how right you are!

I never thought I'd have to consider backing out of supporting my Dad in his dying process in order to take care of myself but this is a very toxic environment and being here w bro around too is not healthy or sustainable for me. Plus I have D11 who is with friends at the moment but can't stay much longer & I don't want her in this. She has been through enough.

Npd bro has always been golden child especially in BPD mum's eyes. So they are v intertwined, literally sometimes  And I know from many years of her scapegoating me to my Dad that she tells bro I've been horrible to her if he goes out & I am here caring for them both on my own. So it's a crazy situation.

I feel quite neutral w mum although it is a bit much her showering me with kisses & hugs now Dad's dying when she's barely ever been "loving" towards me. Thankfully I know it's not love but her own desperate attempt to latch on to something else in her abandonment terror of my Dad dying.

It's pretty clear npd bro is planning to whisk her off to live in a home near him once Dad's gone. Bro is a social climber, high paid executive, plans to put mum in a ludicrously expensive home which "looks good". That's why I have to stand firm legally otherwise their estate will vanish. It'll be interesting to see if she wreaks havoc on bro's marriage.

What a toxic, sick and very sad family system the BPD/npd one is. This weekend has revealed even more layers in my family. My heart goes out to all of us dealing with this in our lives.

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you for posting this. I am going through a similar situation with my npd/BPD parents.

My (non) aunt is dying and they are trying to turn her against me.  They are also trying to have me removed from her will. Everynight I cry myself to sleep why they would tear the family apart at a time like this... .I am banned from seeing my aunt (I live far away and my parents have threatened the police if I try to come visit) and also from the funeral. I feel nothing but hate for them. My aunt was such a wonderful woman, I wonder why god can't take my parents instead. I am currently NC with these EVIL beings.

[JulesC]

Glad the posting has helped B_B & hopefully others... .that's one of the magical things about the Boards 

Today I stood my ground in presence of lawyer, parents & npd bro. Have the Power of Attorney agreement that is needed to give me the best chance w my mum's affairs until she also dies. Dad getting v weak, won't be long now. Me, completely exhausted & coming down from a few v intense & scary days but so glad I stood up for myself. All very sad that the family is so, so toxic but the  :light:keeps coming on & I am clearer than ever in my life that my daughter, myself and our chosen family of heartfelt friends is where to turn my attention & energies.

Has been hugely helpful to post. I was desperate the other night when I wrote. Thanks for being out there x