Grandfather funeral with a BPD family

[Depression = 72% of members]

   Hello everyone! Background: I'm the daughter of a BPD mother hermit type. I found out about BPD about two years ago and since then I have been moving forward (and backwards at some points  )

My grandfather (father of my BPD mother) has just passed away. 

My relationship with him was not close mostly because of all the manipulative behaviours from my mother and my grandmother. All this craziness, lies... .made me numb to feel love in my mother's family side since I was little. It's not like I was ever angry at him, simply when I grew up I realised I didn't feel like other people do towards their grandparents.

These last years I barely visited him and my grandmother because I felt fake, pretending to be normal family when they all knew about my mother's inestability and nobody ever had a conversation with me about it or helped me when I was little. They were there just to pretend they were family in "family events". They don't really know me, what I like, how is my personality. If I had a problem I wouldnt think of them for help. I don't feel resentful about this, and I always had the best wishes for them, but I stopped visiting as it was time to move on for me and stopped pretending. I never explained them the reasons of my distance because they were old people and I didn't think at this point it would do any good and they never asked.

For some of the above I have mixed feelings, maybe I should have talked to him, maybe I should have visited more... .

Tomorrow the funeral is the first time since I know about BPD that I have a family meeting. I've been behaving cordially since then with family members, because I have nothing against them but I don't feel confortable with them (for the same reasons I stated before, pretending to be family when we are not). I don't know how to behave because it is not the time and place to set boundaries but I feel so uncomfortable if they hug me, tell me where to sit, what to say and what to do (they always do that)... .They don't know I'm low contact with my mother, and my mother will want to behave as if everything is ok between us.

Also I worry I'm going to the funeral just to avoid conflict. I'm not religious and although I'm determined to honour my grandfother I think it would be nicer if I just did some gesture on my own, not just to expose to the family. I'm not sure of the reasons of going.

I would apreciate some advice about how to behave in the funeral, I don't want to create conflicts but neither I wan't to feel like I'm engaging or participating in their BPD behaviours.

Another worry is that my grandmother is going to live with my parents.My grandmother (emocionally unstable and attention seeker) and my mother have a very dependent and unstable relationship. Not healthy but they are adults and I respect it. My huge worry is that my cat lives with them because I couldn't find a flat I could afford that allow cats (I'm a student living on my savings so Im sharing flat). I worry about my grandmother leaving windows open. I know it seems exaggerated and I feel even bad about posting about it when other people have huge problems but I'm responsible for this cat and I love her so much I really suffer. My cat was so important for me in recovering. I have just signed the new flat contract for another year so I can't change now.  I will be worried everyday and won't be able to sleep I'm sure.

Just wanted to share this thoughts in a safe place. Thank you so much for reading 

[January86]

   Hello everyone! Background: I'm the daughter of a BPD mother hermit type. I found out about BPD about two years ago and since then I have been moving forward (and backwards at some points  )

My grandfather (father of my BPD mother) has just passed away. 

My relationship with him was not close mostly because of all the manipulative behaviours from my mother and my grandmother. All this craziness, lies... .made me numb to feel love in my mother's family side since I was little. It's not like I was ever angry at him, simply when I grew up I realised I didn't feel like other people do towards their grandparents.

These last years I barely visited him and my grandmother because I felt fake, pretending to be normal family when they all knew about my mother's inestability and nobody ever had a conversation with me about it or helped me when I was little. They were there just to pretend they were family in "family events". They don't really know me, what I like, how is my personality. If I had a problem I wouldnt think of them for help. I don't feel resentful about this, and I always had the best wishes for them, but I stopped visiting as it was time to move on for me and stopped pretending. I never explained them the reasons of my distance because they were old people and I didn't think at this point it would do any good and they never asked.

For some of the above I have mixed feelings, maybe I should have talked to him, maybe I should have visited more... .

Tomorrow the funeral is the first time since I know about BPD that I have a family meeting. I've been behaving cordially since then with family members, because I have nothing against them but I don't feel confortable with them (for the same reasons I stated before, pretending to be family when we are not). I don't know how to behave because it is not the time and place to set boundaries but I feel so uncomfortable if they hug me, tell me where to sit, what to say and what to do (they always do that)... .They don't know I'm low contact with my mother, and my mother will want to behave as if everything is ok between us.

Also I worry I'm going to the funeral just to avoid conflict. I'm not religious and although I'm determined to honour my grandfother I think it would be nicer if I just did some gesture on my own, not just to expose to the family. I'm not sure of the reasons of going.

I would apreciate some advice about how to behave in the funeral, I don't want to create conflicts but neither I wan't to feel like I'm engaging or participating in their BPD behaviours.

Another worry is that my grandmother is going to live with my parents.My grandmother (emocionally unstable and attention seeker) and my mother have a very dependent and unstable relationship. Not healthy but they are adults and I respect it. My huge worry is that my cat lives with them because I couldn't find a flat I could afford that allow cats (I'm a student living on my savings so Im sharing flat). I worry about my grandmother leaving windows open. I know it seems exaggerated and I feel even bad about posting about it when other people have huge problems but I'm responsible for this cat and I love her so much I really suffer. My cat was so important for me in recovering. I have just signed the new flat contract for another year so I can't change now.  I will be worried everyday and won't be able to sleep I'm sure.

Just wanted to share this thoughts in a safe place. Thank you so much for reading 

[pattittap]

Funeral - first you have to figure out why you want to go vs why you don't want to go. Sometimes it helps to write down the pro's and con's list. If you decide you do want to go to the funeral, (and wake, I'm assuming), figure out how long you have to stay at the wake to "be polite" and then if you stay longer, that's okay. But at least you'll have some sort of goal in mind.

The funeral, itself, you may be able to manage seating as you're walking in and "accidentally" get a bit too far back in the line and end up sitting where you would rather sit.

Personally, I'd skip the graveyard, that's where the gloves come off.

Cat - try to find her a new home.

Good luck!

[Harri]

Hi January.  My condolences to you and the rest of your family.

Funerals can bring out the very best and very worst in terms of family behaviors.  Whether you attend or not, there will be fallout that you will have to deal with.  From where I sit, it seems to me that attending has the least amount of crap from others to deal with both short and long term but definitely look at the pros and cons from where you sit as suggested by pattitap.

I don't know how to behave because it is not the time and place to set boundaries but I feel so uncomfortable if they hug me, tell me where to sit, what to say and what to do (they always do that)... .They don't know I'm low contact with my mother, and my mother will want to behave as if everything is ok between us.

There is nothing wrong with saying "No thank you, I would rather sit (or I would feel more comfortable sitting) over here" when ordered to sit in a particular place.  They can tell you all they want in terms of what to say but you get to control your own mouth.  Same thing goes for your mother pretending everything is okay.  All you need to do is say what feels appropriate to you.  Let her play her game of pretend.  You can still attend the funeral and not get caught up in their games or the BPD dysfunction.  Boundaries are about you and do not even need to be voiced out loud so yes, you can set boundaries for yourself and you can stay out of the game. 

I would recommend arranging your own transportation (as in not riding in the limo or family car... .say no thank you I have made my own arrangements) as that way you get to control where you go and when you leave.  If asked why say something like I feel more comfortable this way or even say I would prefer to have some alone time and let them make what they will of it.  These are not lies and you are not pretending, nor do you owe anyone explanations.  If they press you further say something like "I know you mean well but please stop" and walk away, talk with someone else, etc.

If you choose to not attend, that is okay too just be prepared that people will ask and question it for a long time.  Again, FWIW, this seems harder to deal with and the repercussions seem more long term to me.  I hope someone else can respond with more suggestions if you decide on this route. 

As for your cat, i too would recommend finding another home for it.  I know it is hard, but it seems it would be best if he were in a place where is safety is assured.

Wishing you peace tomorrow.

[Kwamina]

Hi January86

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a family-member is never pleasant. How are you feeling today?

I can definitely see why this funeral would make you feel uncomfortable given that you are not very close with this side of your family and also the possibility of your mother's BPD-behavior. What did you end up doing? Did you go to the funeral or did you stay away?

I don't know how to behave because it is not the time and place to set boundaries but I feel so uncomfortable if they hug me, tell me where to sit, what to say and what to do (they always do that)... .They don't know I'm low contact with my mother, and my mother will want to behave as if everything is ok between us.

I understand where you are coming from here, you don't wanna make a 'scene' at an occasion like this. I do want to say though that the way I see it, no matter the time or place, setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial when dealing with BPD family-members. The other person might respond badly, but to protect and preserve your own well-being I think it's important to always remain mindful of your boundaries. There are indeed various ways to defend/enforce a boundary. Perhaps it might help to take a look at this:

Examples of various ways to defend/enforce boundaries

I remember how important your cat is for you. I used to have two parrots and they were very important for me when I still lived with my uBPD mother. Since you are so concerned about your cat, I agree that it indeed might be wise to start searching for another place she might be able to stay. Can you think of any other places your cat could stay?

Take care