Getting over Guilty - How can I forgive myself?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello,

Haven't posted in a while, but my story of course is very similar to that of others.  Finally got up the courage to end an almost 7 year relationship with my (now ex) BPD partner, it was as difficult as I expected and I'm about 10 weeks out and hoping that it gets better emotionally.  I know it will take time, but the main thing I'm experiencing is TREMENDOUS guilt over being involved in the relationship in the first place.  I am having a very hard time even beginning to forgive myself for the difficulty this relationship caused my 3 daughters.  They hated him from the start, and saw him as the reason my 28 year (!) marriage broke up.  Honestly, the marriage has been dead for a very long time  (NO physical relationship for over a DECADE, not much more than tolerable in every way, but that's another story).  Cutting to the chase, my kids are now 26 and almost 18 (twins) are are happy, productive, talented girls.  exBPDbf lived with us briefly in 2011, but seeing how it affected my kids badly and they despised him, I told him he had to move out and then he was only here when they were at their dads.  The younger girls chose to live with me full time recently, and overall, I would say our relationship is a good one.  However, they will bring up the ex on occasion... .such as reminding me that their middle school years consisted of watching me cry nearly constantly and be stressed and miserable over the exBPD, and how their memories from early adolescence mostly focus on how awful he was - even when he wasn't here - and how sad I was.  It's very hard to hear this, I KNOW how bad it was, I WISH I had had the courage to leave earlier, and like many of you, what I really wish is that I had a damn time machine so I could go back and make the last 7 years start over without the BPD in them.  I guess I'm feeling guilty over the divorce (I could have worked on my marriage but my brain, heart, and common sense were hijacked by this younger, beautiful, attentive, and COMPLETELY CRAZY younger man.)  What I'm wondering is... .how do I start to forgive myself?  SHOULD I even forgive myself?  Do I deserve to rot in hell for these choices?  Should I sit down with my very mature soon-to-be-college students and tell them how guilty and sad I feel?  I have apologized to them before, should I do it again?  Or should I just deal with this with myself.?  I have had a therapist before - very nice, but not terribly directive and ultimately not helpful.  Where do I even start to deal with my guilt over this relationship?   And oh, the icing on the cake... .he still texts and calls constantly, begging me to come back, and insulting me when it's clear that I'm not going to.  I saw him to give him some of his stuff back recently, and it was an emotional nightmare.  He won't leave me alone, and that's complicating things!  But, please... .sorry for the digression... .if anyone else has ever felt that they have hurt their children or other family members via their BPD relationship, how did you go about getting over the guilty for that time?

[chillamom]

Hello,

Haven't posted in a while, but my story of course is very similar to that of others.  Finally got up the courage to end an almost 7 year relationship with my (now ex) BPD partner, it was as difficult as I expected and I'm about 10 weeks out and hoping that it gets better emotionally.  I know it will take time, but the main thing I'm experiencing is TREMENDOUS guilt over being involved in the relationship in the first place.  I am having a very hard time even beginning to forgive myself for the difficulty this relationship caused my 3 daughters.  They hated him from the start, and saw him as the reason my 28 year (!) marriage broke up.  Honestly, the marriage has been dead for a very long time  (NO physical relationship for over a DECADE, not much more than tolerable in every way, but that's another story).  Cutting to the chase, my kids are now 26 and almost 18 (twins) are are happy, productive, talented girls.  exBPDbf lived with us briefly in 2011, but seeing how it affected my kids badly and they despised him, I told him he had to move out and then he was only here when they were at their dads.  The younger girls chose to live with me full time recently, and overall, I would say our relationship is a good one.  However, they will bring up the ex on occasion... .such as reminding me that their middle school years consisted of watching me cry nearly constantly and be stressed and miserable over the exBPD, and how their memories from early adolescence mostly focus on how awful he was - even when he wasn't here - and how sad I was.  It's very hard to hear this, I KNOW how bad it was, I WISH I had had the courage to leave earlier, and like many of you, what I really wish is that I had a damn time machine so I could go back and make the last 7 years start over without the BPD in them.  I guess I'm feeling guilty over the divorce (I could have worked on my marriage but my brain, heart, and common sense were hijacked by this younger, beautiful, attentive, and COMPLETELY CRAZY younger man.)  What I'm wondering is... .how do I start to forgive myself?  SHOULD I even forgive myself?  Do I deserve to rot in hell for these choices?  Should I sit down with my very mature soon-to-be-college students and tell them how guilty and sad I feel?  I have apologized to them before, should I do it again?  Or should I just deal with this with myself.?  I have had a therapist before - very nice, but not terribly directive and ultimately not helpful.  Where do I even start to deal with my guilt over this relationship?   And oh, the icing on the cake... .he still texts and calls constantly, begging me to come back, and insulting me when it's clear that I'm not going to.  I saw him to give him some of his stuff back recently, and it was an emotional nightmare.  He won't leave me alone, and that's complicating things!  But, please... .sorry for the digression... .if anyone else has ever felt that they have hurt their children or other family members via their BPD relationship, how did you go about getting over the guilty for that time?

[Schermarhorn]

Don't beat yourself up too bad. People with BPD are masters of manipulation, they have to be to get what they "need". They have been doing this their entire lives.

Just be glad that you are finally out of it, you can't change the past.

[chillamom]

Thanks, the guilt that I feel  - and all of us feel at some point - really is so useless and unproductive.  I'm hoping that when the semester starts up next month I'll have a lot more interesting stuff to focus on and maybe that distraction will be a good start in dealing more positively with things!

[Michelle27]

I totally understand.  My stbxh gaslighted and was emotionally abusive to my daughter from my first marriage.  Deep feelings of jealousy were expressed (he believed it was her and I against him).  He actually said the words that he treated her the way she did because his son from his first marriage was "damaged" (from being sexually abused by his Mom's 2nd husband's kids) and he wanted to even it up.  I have to forgive myself from allowing her to be treated this way and even asking her to stay out of his way on many occasions when I knew he was looking for a reason to rage.  I have to forgive myself for teaching her that it's ok to hang in there, no matter what so that she spent most of the past 3 years in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend (she's now 21).  I have expressed to her how I feel and she's smart enough and mature enough to hear my words and understand them but I still think I owe her so much more for all of those years I allowed our family to be torn apart like that.  The manipulation ran deep and still does, but I can see it all with open eyes now.