How do you accept?

[willtimeheal]

I have been out if my BPD relationship for about 11 months now. My life has fallen back into place. But I still have days. The last three days have been rough. I think it has to do with her taking my replacement on vacation to one of our vacation spots. It really bothers me and is eating at me. It hurts knowing they are there together with her kids that I used to call mine. It bothers me that they are sleeping in our bed together and someone else is touching her.

I have been seeing someone new but this person doesn't compare but yet they are so much better for me.

Am I just in a rut?  Why does my heart still ache for this person that hurt me so badly?  How do you finally accept that they are never coming back?

[Chrisbazsky77]

I'm sorry that the pain is still there and that you've had a rough 3 days.

I am only out now 2 months, so hats off to you for atleast settling in after 11!

I wanted to ask... .how do you know that she is on vacation?

Do you find yourself checking up on her life? Or are there people who are sharing this information with you? If so, I would strongly suggest that you gently ask them not to.

I have had to in my situation-it's crucial to our healing. I do understand fully though-how it can hurt so badly! As tough as it is for me... .the less I hear/know about him now-the better for me.

Have you accepted that she is mentally ill? 

[Mutt]

Hi willtimeheal,

I can understand how we get triggered after the break-up. I think that we can get triggered with holidays, anniversaries, things that we shared together like going to a vacation spot.  It's been 11 months, I think that you need more time behind you.

How did you know she went to the vacation spot with the replacement?

[sas1729]

Hi,

Congrats on 11 months! And congrats on being brave to try a new relationship. I'm out 8 months and can suggest a few things that helped in my case.

I think avoiding learning about your ex's present life is important. How did you find out about the vacation? I too was triggered by dates and places for a while. For example, her birthday came shortly after we broke up. I thought about her on her birthday and missed her. This happened for my own birthday and other dates/events/places.

However, what I consciously did was remember the bad things that happened on those dates. The fight that we got into on her birthday. The fact that we didn't go away for the weekend for my birthday as I had wanted to. It was so important for me to actively remember the entire story - not just the good parts. I have a tendency, and I think many people probably do, to be nostalgic about the good parts. But there was a reason why the relationship ended, and if we think about it we can remember it.

At 8 months out I'm seeing someone. We are exclusive and enjoy each others company. I noticed that you made a comment comparing your current relationship to your previous one. I try my best to not compare my current relationship to my previous one because I specifically want to experience this as something entirely different. Comparing only leads to triggers. Even the little things like noticing what brands of toothpaste does she use and what did your ex use, for example. I think to move on and be happy we need to completely let go (and this is an active work) of viewing the world through the perspective of the previous relationship.

[willtimeheal]

Thanks for the replies everyone.  I know she is on vacation because she usually goes to the cottage  this time of year and I did check on Facebook.  I know I should not check on Facebook and I am pretty good about leaving it alone but this past week the urge to check has been intense. Maybe it  is because I knew the annual trip was coming and I just wanted to see if she would take the replacement.

At times I do find the urge to check her status and I do hope when I check it that I will find out that she is miserable.  It is some how that just knowing for a moment her world has crashed like mine did will make me feel better. I just want her to hurt as badly as I did and do at times. It's like if I know she is hurting I will somehow feel better and heel.  Is that crazy?

[Mutt]

Hi willtimeheal,

I get it. I don't think it's crazy.

What's hard to let go?

[Learning_curve74]

It's totally okay to be bothered and still feel hurt 11 months on. Everybody's healing proceeds at their own rates, and it's not always in a straight line -- we sometimes find ourselves going backwards at times.

As for accepting, it's like any other loss. I've lost other loved ones to death, and there is real suffering that I had to move through to get through the grief. But eventually I reached acceptance. To paraphrase the poet Robert Frost, the one thing I've learned about life is this: it goes on.

You said that you're seeing somebody new, willtimeheal. You also said she doesn't compare. In what ways? Are the feelings less intense? Are you taking it slower in this relationship?

[fromheeltoheal]

I have been seeing someone new but this person doesn't compare but yet they are so much better for me.

How about focusing on the new gal full time and planning your own vacations together, or if a relationship with her isn't inspiring and forward-moving, let her go and work on creating a dream relationship with someone else?