Thanks for that last bit! I was feeling so much guilt, but can anyone find fault in someone offering their trust and love?
Hi rotiroti,
I'm glad you feel I have helped you in some way. I think I have grown a huge amount in the last 2 months. I debate now leaving this place for good. Maybe I can be of some use though still.
Yeah the dysfunction... .Amazingly at the time, I was so caught up in the eggshell walking and looking for some cure for us or her that I didn't let it sink in how messed up our relationship really was even though this person was physically assaulting me. It's a bit hard to believe neither I or her are not dead. I just find it so amazing when I go back in time now in sort of like a time machine image causal viewing state and look down at us from the ceiling or whatever angle at it all and replay the conversations. Things are different than I thought they were at the time. Her love for me now looks totally superficial and conditional when I look back in high definition at it all. Her laughter at my jokes looks somewhat phony for example.
As far as the mistake we made in choosing our BPD ex's or staying with them... .I didn't mean to state that in a critical way. When I first joined this site I was immediately asked by others why I stayed and what was wrong with my mindset for getting into a relationship with her or something similar to that type of comment. It honestly irritated me at the time. They were well intentioned members though I began to slowly understand. There are mistakes some of us made in all of this. I see it in percentages though in ways. Something sort of like this ( see below) I'll use to illustrate what I mean:
The NON is crossing a road that is at least known to be a bit dangerous to cross. Hopeful of what they are crossing over to is worth the risk of getting across this road because they dream of what is over there on the other side. The Non may have FOO issues or many other reasons that factor in to this thinking. Or the NON is attempting to cross the road not aware enough of the surroundings and the danger of it all in just sort of a fog state. Either of those reasons do not equal to me that the Non deserves a harsh blame.
The person with BPD, I see as a drunk driver on this road. They are choosing to stay drunk (not getting help for the mental issues) and by not calling a taxi to drive them home safely. To a degree they cant help that that were force fed the alcohol but they still got behind the wheel and this resulted in a crash.
When I think of BPD. Abuse is right there at the top of it all. Dreams, happiness and abuse are what are experienced mostly in reading others stories here. Those three things a NON will experience at some point. The abuse varies depending on the scale of this spectrum disorder of the pwBPD is on.
Does the abused deserve to be abused? I believe the answer to that is of course not. Do they deserve to be run over on the road for either of those two reasons stated above? I would say no to that also.
My advice to anyone would be don't be hard on yourself but casually see where things went wrong and how to avoid this from happening again.
My growth and healing in the last two months is tremendous I feel. I credit God on that.
