Disconnecting from uBPDm

[NicholeMarie]

Has anyone successfully implemented no contact?  She could best be described as the witch/ hermit growing up. Once we moved out, (and enDad spoke up) she turned Waif/ hermit. I'm a new mom.  My daughter is only one and I guess I'm trying to figure out what needs to be done before she gets older and is more aware of her surroundings. my husband is fully supportive of whatever makes me happy but has indicated in the past that she just doesn't seem to bring happiness into my life. I'm just constantly on edge around her and wondering what her ulterior motives are.

I honestly believe that I don't want her apart of my life.  I don't believe I love her, at least not in a traditional way.  I suppose I'll always "love" her but that is complicated and sometimes obligated. I truly think my life would be better without her in it but I don't feel like I have enough reason to do it.  As if the simple fact that she makes me uncomfortable is not enough. I worry that I'll have regrets but mostly I worry that I'll look bad when people ask why I don't speak to my mother, for simply saying that I just don't want to. I guess it stems from my mother in law.  She doesn't understand it and I think she feels bad for my mother, which I understand and also feel bad for my mother.  I remind myself several times a day that she's brought this on herself.  Despite my mil not understanding, she's expressed full support for whatever choice I make because she sees and feels the stress that comes off me anytime I even anticipate being around my mother. 

I don't feel angry anymore.  I just want to move on and Im not sure that even with the limited, distant and barely existing relationship that we have right now, that I'll be able to do that while there's still a possibility that she'll call, text Facebook etc.

My problem is, Im not sure Im ready to tell this woman she won't be apart of my life anymore and by proxy, my daughter's.  I don't know if I can inflict that kind of pain on someone simply because her existence reminds me of a terrible time for me and feelings that I don't care to relive or question.  I also wonder if I'm healing or simply running from my past in doing this. 

Anyone have any insight, similar experiences, advice (mostly advice)? 

[Kwamina]

Hi NicholeMarie

Welcome back here. You are currently dealing with quite some difficult feelings. It's clear from you post that your mother really hurt you in the past and that having contact with her still triggers a lot of hurt in you.

In what ways does your mother make you feel uncomfortable? Is it the things she does now that make you feel uncomfortable or more that just having contact with her reminds you of painful things that happened in the past?

Sometimes it is necessary that we distance ourselves from our BPD family-members to allow ourselves the possibility to heal. It's almost impossible to heal when we don't feel safe. This doesn't necessarily have to mean that this distance has to remain forever but sometimes for our own healing a certain distance is necessary.

No matter how you decide to move forward, having firm and healthy boundaries with your mother is essential to your well-being. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and defending/enforcing boundaries with your mother?

[NicholeMarie]

Her presence makes me uncomfortable.  I can shoot off a laundry list of fears that I have about her involvement with my family.  I'm not sure all of them are even legitimate fears. Like, if I pull away, will she seek "grandparents rights" to see my daughter?  As a lawyer, she might know that she would probably have no grounds doing so, but would she do it just to cause us financial pain and stress? I think about these things. 

When she's around however, I and everyone around me is careful what they say and do.  My mother in law is making a valid effort NOT to walk on eggshells around her.  My mother gets very jealous that MIL watches my daughter during the day.  To the point where at her first birthday party, she told my mil that she "envied her".  So my other worry is that I have to ask my mother in law to refrain from giving in if my mother ever contacts her to ask to visit my daughter when were not around. My mother in law feels bad for her (as do I) but I think she would respect my wishes to keep my daughter away from her. 

My mother gets easily offended, but rather than get angry like she used to, she just acts like I've kicked her dog or makes some subtle or snide dig in response. She'll give this nasty look and just change the subject or move on.  I don't know if she's trying too hard or just covering up her true self (the self that I know) but its been made very clear to me that the stress her presence brings to my life is very apparent to the people I love.  In all honesty, I'm not sure I ever want her in my life. I can't imagine ever feeling close to her or wanting her around or even wanting to be in the same room as her.  I just tolerate her.  I visit because I imagine I would feel guilty if I didn't. I imagine I would feel guilty removing her from my daughter's and my life. Im just not sure that this potential guilt would outweigh the stress of having her in my life in the first place.

[Kwamina]

In all honesty, I'm not sure I ever want her in my life. I can't imagine ever feeling close to her or wanting her around or even wanting to be in the same room as her.  I just tolerate her.  I visit because I imagine I would feel guilty if I didn't. I imagine I would feel guilty removing her from my daughter's and my life. Im just not sure that this potential guilt would outweigh the stress of having her in my life in the first place.

Only you can decide how to move forward here. But when it comes to feelings of guilt, it might help to take a look at our article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Even if you've read the article before, rereading it now might give you some new insights:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Take care

[MiserableDaughter]

Will write more later but I'm moving across the country from my uBPD mom and enDad. I have too much guilt to break contact, especially due to my 3 year old son. But they have ruined my marriage, youth, and every possible good occasion because everything is about HER. She tries to subtly brainwash my son with the "you love grandma? You sure you love grandma? Grandma will leave if u don't her her! Tell mama you want to go to grandma house. Tell mama you love grandma." So as your child grows, this will happen... .I'm taking an alternative solution and giving myself space to heal by moving across the country... .If you can overcome the guilt and break contact, just do it.