Family pressure

[foggydew]

I'm feeling sad. My uBPD person has taken a job 3 hours away, and will live there, coming back once a month, he says. I'm going to miss him, and he will miss me, he says. We're getting on well together. But that is not what is making me sad - we don't need to live in each other's pockets, and our relationship is rather a close friendship/mother son relationship now. We both enjoy it. Yes, there are still the usual things - but they are copable for both of us. What is making me sad is that his family is now seeing me as persona non grata.

I've always had a good relationship with them - except that they keep trying to make me responsible for his behaviour. They say I should put pressure on him to stop drinking, etc, etc.

Well, I do all I can in that field - I make him aware, talk about it, remind him that my husband (who was also his friend) died of the results of alcohol/smoking. But I do not take responsibility for what he does. I have had more experience than I like with this, I've been to all kinds of advice, Al anon, etc because of my mother and my husband. I have also asked professionals about my relationship with him concerning alcohol, to see if my reactions were ok. They confirmed that all I can do is be a friend, be there.

I have also always tried to encourage him to have contact with his family. But when they put pressure on him he breaks it off - they criticise him for everything. I try to encourage him to make friends, go out - and find a suitable relationship. It never really works. I think they see me as the reason - but I am not. I am merely the result. He says he doesn't care what his family says or thinks (mostly true) because he knows where he has support, and knows where he is always welcome. But now I am extremely hesitant about having contact with them, which will only increase the problem. I really don't know what to do.

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[formflier]

Foggydew,

Might be good for you to read up in lessons on triangulation.

Focus on the person you have a r/s with... .try to ignore what his family wants. 

They have a right to want... .whatever they want... .it sounds like his FOO has some dynamics that he avoids... .

Let him work through those issues... .

FF

[foggydew]

Thanks, Formflier. I must be doing something wrong... can't find the lessons on triangulation.

[formflier]

Thanks, Formflier. I must be doing something wrong... can't find the lessons on triangulation.

My bad... .I just looked... .hmm.  It's been while... .let me see what I can come up with. 

Perhaps one is getting updated and has been taken down.

FF

[formflier]

 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

This link might be helpful.  Can you read it... and then post some questions/observations about how involving others could be harmful... .and helpful.

FF