Hi

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there,

How is everybody? I just wanted to check out the site because I feel my sister has BPD traits. We were best friends growing up but have lived fairly far from each other over the last ten years. I've tried to continue to be there for her despite the distance but I have a full time job and two kids so I'm not always great about calling/texting all the time. She turned that around on me and said basically I don't love her and she is cutting ties with me. She's already cut the rest of the family out of her life. I feel like she's mentally ill and possibly abusing drugs and alcohol but feel like I can't do anything to help her. I'm sad that I've lost her. Anyway thanks for letting me share.

[Sweetmelissa]

Hi there,

How is everybody? I just wanted to check out the site because I feel my sister has BPD traits. We were best friends growing up but have lived fairly far from each other over the last ten years. I've tried to continue to be there for her despite the distance but I have a full time job and two kids so I'm not always great about calling/texting all the time. She turned that around on me and said basically I don't love her and she is cutting ties with me. She's already cut the rest of the family out of her life. I feel like she's mentally ill and possibly abusing drugs and alcohol but feel like I can't do anything to help her. I'm sad that I've lost her. Anyway thanks for letting me share.

[Turkish]

Hi Sweetmelissa,.



You sound like you're the last person your sis has cut off from your family. If you suspect she's a substance abuser, then that adds a whole other dynamic to any possible mental illnesses.

pwBPD (people with BPD) suffer from anxiety if they feel that they've been abandoned. You, however, have a full right to live your life. Still, she's your sister... .

How did you respond when she told you that you didn't love her?

Turkish

[Sweetmelissa]

Hi Turk,

Thanks for the reply. I responded to the "you don't love me" comment by reassuring her that I do love her but pointing out that I get busy w/my life and I can't always chase her down to talk to her. When I do call and text she doesn't respond. She denied that I ever reach out to her and that she doesn't believe that I love her because actions speak louder than words. Then she was saying cryptic things about wanting to tell me something but not being able to trust me but never told me what she thinks I did wrong. It seemed like a sick game she was playing with me and apparently I failed and she said she never wants to talk to me again. I set a boundary by saying I wasn't going to engage in her game so that's part of what set her off I guess. I don't know I'm at a loss... .

Hi Sweetmelissa,.



You sound like you're the last person your sis has cut off from your family. If you suspect she's a substance abuser, then that adds a whole other dynamic to any possible mental illnesses.

pwBPD (people with BPD) suffer from anxiety if they feel that they've been abandoned. You, however, have a full right to live your life. Still, she's your sister... .

How did you respond when she told you that you didn't love her?

Turkish

[Turkish]

Hi Turk,

Thanks for the reply. I responded to the "you don't love me" comment by reassuring her that I do love her but pointing out that I get busy w/my life and I can't always chase her down to talk to her. When I do call and text she doesn't respond. She denied that I ever reach out to her and that she doesn't believe that I love her because actions speak louder than words. Then she was saying cryptic things about wanting to tell me something but not being able to trust me but never told me what she thinks I did wrong. It seemed like a sick game she was playing with me and apparently I failed and she said she never wants to talk to me again. I set a boundary by saying I wasn't going to engage in her game so that's part of what set her off I guess. I don't know I'm at a loss... .

For a pwBPD, feelings are facts. She feels that you don't love her (though this isn't true). As weird as it sounds, responding straitaway that you do love her may have been perceived as invalidating. Acknowledging that she feels that you don't love her is the first step in validation.

"I'm sorry that you feel that I don't love you sis. Why do you feel that way?" Responding like that   may reduce her emotional dysregulation, and open up a dialog. This doesn't mean that you have to sit there as the object of verbal abuse, but its a first step to perhaps continuing a conversation without heightened emotions.

Have you seen the lessons at the top of the board? A lot of it is geared towards BPD parents, but there is a lot of stuff which can help deal with people with BPD in general...

[Sweetmelissa]

Thanks for the helpful feedback.  I do find it hard to emotionally disconnect from the things she is saying and try to empathize with her sometimes.  Honestly there are days where I've got stuff going on in my life and I feel like I don't have the time or energy to play games with her.  I just wish she could communicate like an adult.  I know she's sick but it gets frustrating.


Hi Turk,

Thanks for the reply. I responded to the "you don't love me" comment by reassuring her that I do love her but pointing out that I get busy w/my life and I can't always chase her down to talk to her. When I do call and text she doesn't respond. She denied that I ever reach out to her and that she doesn't believe that I love her because actions speak louder than words. Then she was saying cryptic things about wanting to tell me something but not being able to trust me but never told me what she thinks I did wrong. It seemed like a sick game she was playing with me and apparently I failed and she said she never wants to talk to me again. I set a boundary by saying I wasn't going to engage in her game so that's part of what set her off I guess. I don't know I'm at a loss... .[/quote]
For a pwBPD, feelings are facts. She feels that you don't love her (though this isn't true). As weird as it sounds, responding straitaway that you do love her may have been perceived as invalidating. Acknowledging that she feels that you don't love her is the first step in validation.

"I'm sorry that you feel that I don't love you sis. Why do you feel that way?" Responding like that   may reduce her emotional dysregulation, and open up a dialog. This doesn't mean that you have to sit there as the object of verbal abuse, but its a first step to perhaps continuing a conversation without heightened emotions.

Have you seen the lessons at the top of the board? A lot of it is geared towards BPD parents, but there is a lot of stuff which can help deal with people with BPD in general... [/quote]

[Turkish]

Game playing is a good analogy. For an emotionally immature person (see more here), it's good to not get caught up at their level. You have a life. You have a right to your life. If you want to continue a r/s with her, however, its good to see how she is emotionally limited. That's likely not going to change.