Back on earth

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

These last few weeks have been very interesting. My uBPDW had been escalating her behavior, playing ping pong with threats of divorce, giving me (and many other people) the silent treatment, saying she was in fear of her life because of me, etc. The peak occurred the week before last when she called the police on me twice. When I asked her about the call where she accused me of having sex with the boys across the street she denied that she did it, that the boys made up the story (the police report refutes this). She also changed her phone number because she was sure it was tapped.

I remembered what I've learned here and stayed (reasonably) calm through the whole thing. I felt what was going on was that she was reacting to the boundaries I'm putting in place. It seemed she was testing these boundaries as well as trying to get me to explode like the good old days. I was hoping that her behavior was an extinction burst, and if I stuck to my guns she would start to calm down.

Well, yesterday she seems to have returned to the planet. We actually had a reasonable discussion about our relationship. She asked me why I wanted to get a divorce; I pointed out that it was her idea, that I never said I wanted one, and she listened. I told her that I was a big contributor to our relationship issues because of my avoidance patterns and she appreciated that. She laid very little blame on her own issues, basically saying that what she had been going through the last several weeks was due to me - I accepted her feelings and didn't confront her about it.

For a minute or two I fell into the old pattern of thinking she was normal and that I was making everything up again. Her avoidance of her responsibility for her behavior, her continuing belief that I'm the cause of her problems, made me realize that she still has BPD (of course). I still need to be the adult and I still need to maintain my boundaries. It's funny, she actually said at one point that our relationship problems started when she realized she couldn't push me around anymore!

So anyway, we agreed to stay together for six months and see what happens. I'm going to continue to work on my boundaries and work on living my life for myself. I'm hopeful that I've seen the worst of her extinction bursts and testing. On the other hand I'm facing reality and still planning for a quick exit in case my safety is threatened again. Thank you everyone here for your support when I really needed it!

[TheRealJongoBong]

These last few weeks have been very interesting. My uBPDW had been escalating her behavior, playing ping pong with threats of divorce, giving me (and many other people) the silent treatment, saying she was in fear of her life because of me, etc. The peak occurred the week before last when she called the police on me twice. When I asked her about the call where she accused me of having sex with the boys across the street she denied that she did it, that the boys made up the story (the police report refutes this). She also changed her phone number because she was sure it was tapped.

I remembered what I've learned here and stayed (reasonably) calm through the whole thing. I felt what was going on was that she was reacting to the boundaries I'm putting in place. It seemed she was testing these boundaries as well as trying to get me to explode like the good old days. I was hoping that her behavior was an extinction burst, and if I stuck to my guns she would start to calm down.

Well, yesterday she seems to have returned to the planet. We actually had a reasonable discussion about our relationship. She asked me why I wanted to get a divorce; I pointed out that it was her idea, that I never said I wanted one, and she listened. I told her that I was a big contributor to our relationship issues because of my avoidance patterns and she appreciated that. She laid very little blame on her own issues, basically saying that what she had been going through the last several weeks was due to me - I accepted her feelings and didn't confront her about it.

For a minute or two I fell into the old pattern of thinking she was normal and that I was making everything up again. Her avoidance of her responsibility for her behavior, her continuing belief that I'm the cause of her problems, made me realize that she still has BPD (of course). I still need to be the adult and I still need to maintain my boundaries. It's funny, she actually said at one point that our relationship problems started when she realized she couldn't push me around anymore!

So anyway, we agreed to stay together for six months and see what happens. I'm going to continue to work on my boundaries and work on living my life for myself. I'm hopeful that I've seen the worst of her extinction bursts and testing. On the other hand I'm facing reality and still planning for a quick exit in case my safety is threatened again. Thank you everyone here for your support when I really needed it!

[HappyNihilist]

JongoBong, congratulations on these positive developments! You've both made good progress in just a short time. 

I remembered what I've learned here and stayed (reasonably) calm through the whole thing.

What lessons and tools helped you the most? Did you struggle with any of them?

I felt what was going on was that she was reacting to the boundaries I'm putting in place. It seemed she was testing these boundaries as well as trying to get me to explode like the good old days. I was hoping that her behavior was an extinction burst, and if I stuck to my guns she would start to calm down.

Well, yesterday she seems to have returned to the planet. We actually had a reasonable discussion about our relationship.

Yay! I'm glad you stood firm during her extinction bursts. Consistency is the key to strong boundaries.

It's great that the two of you were able to have an open, reasonable discussion about your relationship.

You've agreed to stay together for six months, and you want to work on boundary setting and a safety plan, the realities of a BPD relationship, and self-discovery. You may want to check out the Staying boards, tools, and lessons - all of those things are covered there, and there are many members who know what it's like to be working on a BPD relationship. [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

Again, congrats on the progress! You're doing good work.

[TheRealJongoBong]

What lessons and tools helped you the most? Did you struggle with any of them?

The best lesson I've had is that whatever she says it is rarely about me. All of the accusations and acting out are to give attention to her, for me they are lessons in understanding her fears and more importantly what I want for myself. The biggest struggle is to separate the wheat from the chaff, to figure out what is real in what she says and what is garbage.

I've also learned more about the big thing - boundaries.  I've learned that if I don't want to be pushed around I have to be firm on what I will and will not accept. I also have found that any time I do stand firm that I will be tested again and again. I have to keep a clear picture of what I want all the time so that I am consistent in my behavior.

The hardest thing for me still is accepting that my wife is not who I want her to be and what I idealized her to be. She's got a serious problem that she needs to deal with, and whether she does or not it is completely out of my control. I so want sometimes to go back into the dream again where I don't have to worry about all of this stuff. Then I take a deep breath and move on.

[TheRealJongoBong]

And now we're on another planet again. My wife is blaming me for hirdng her purse, her folders, and who knows what else. The fact that her organization method is to randomize everything and that the whole house is in an uproar because she has chosen to put evrything into boxes doesn't sem to enter into itbecause the FEELING is all that is important. I suppose I should feel lucky that I even had a brief reprieve from the madness. More lessons for me.