Case Closed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wanted to post an update and let everyone know that we found out that the case with CPS has been closed. We haven't received a letter yet. I was actually pleasantly surprised by my husband. He took it upon himself to e-mail the caseworker and ask about it because we are trying to plan a trip.

I couldn't believe that my husband took that much initiative.

Now that all of that stuff is out of the way, I need to figure out what to do with all of these feelings that I am having.

I know this is not something that is realistic so I am bringing it here. I find myself wanting some kind of appreciation or recognition from my husband. I feel like I saved his butt. I could have very easily said that everything in the report was true. I could have chosen to use the situation as an opportunity to get him out of the house. I didn't do that. I defended him and advocated for him and made sure that he looked good at all times. I mentioned it to him briefly and he said something like, "I know you saved my butt. I am not going to say anything about it because I am trying to let my actions speak for me." Um, okay, whatever. I don't feel like his actions are saying anything other than, "Oh hey, life can go back to normal and I can go back to being comfortable and aloof."

I know he isn't a danger to our kids. However, it feels like all of the feelings that I stuffed down to get through this summer are now trying to creep up.

[vortex of confusion]

I wanted to post an update and let everyone know that we found out that the case with CPS has been closed. We haven't received a letter yet. I was actually pleasantly surprised by my husband. He took it upon himself to e-mail the caseworker and ask about it because we are trying to plan a trip.

I couldn't believe that my husband took that much initiative.

Now that all of that stuff is out of the way, I need to figure out what to do with all of these feelings that I am having.

I know this is not something that is realistic so I am bringing it here. I find myself wanting some kind of appreciation or recognition from my husband. I feel like I saved his butt. I could have very easily said that everything in the report was true. I could have chosen to use the situation as an opportunity to get him out of the house. I didn't do that. I defended him and advocated for him and made sure that he looked good at all times. I mentioned it to him briefly and he said something like, "I know you saved my butt. I am not going to say anything about it because I am trying to let my actions speak for me." Um, okay, whatever. I don't feel like his actions are saying anything other than, "Oh hey, life can go back to normal and I can go back to being comfortable and aloof."

I know he isn't a danger to our kids. However, it feels like all of the feelings that I stuffed down to get through this summer are now trying to creep up.

[123Phoebe]

Yay!  So glad the case is closed, Vortex; it's gotta be a relief

it feels like all of the feelings that I stuffed down to get through this summer are now trying to creep up.

Can you think of things to do with all those feelings, without attaching a script to them?  No words, just feel the sensations in your body and tend to them... .

[vortex of confusion]

Can you think of things to do with all those feelings, without attaching a script to them?  No words, just feel the sensations in your body and tend to them... .

Hmmm. . .I am not sure that even know how to do this.

How do I go about NOT attaching a script to them? What does that even mean?

[123Phoebe]

I think it feels so normal for some of us to get all up in our heads about things... .thinking thinking thinking; at least that's the way it is for me at times.  Then I catch myself, my posture, my shoulders slumped over, stomach maybe flip-flopping, just bodily sensations, so I recognize it and tend to those.  Straighten up, roll my shoulders around, stretch my neck, make a cup of tea, walk outside around the yard, look around, anything to get out of my head, shift the focus away from the thoughts and it's amazing how much better I feel with an entirely different attitude!

[vortex of confusion]

I think it feels so normal for some of us to get all up in our heads about things... .thinking thinking thinking; at least that's the way it is for me at times.  Then I catch myself, my posture, my shoulders slumped over, stomach maybe flip-flopping, just bodily sensations, so I recognize it and tend to those.  Straighten up, roll my shoulders around, stretch my neck, make a cup of tea, walk outside around the yard, look around, anything to get out of my head, shift the focus away from the thoughts and it's amazing how much better I feel with an entirely different attitude!

That makes a lot of sense. I am a thinker and have often been told that I think too much. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for the update!  Awesome news!

 

I realize that you were the glue that held everyone together.  You supported the kids when they were stressed and scared.  You felt their pain.  You felt your own pain, humiliation, abandonment of T. You understood and delt with the fall out more than anyone.  You had to answer the tough questions.  You had to defend a guy that is not 100% fantastic.  You had to hold it together... .for the sake of everyone.  It all likely felt that it was on your shoulders and the reality is... .that it was!

You are not likely to get the recognition that you deserve. Sorry.

This likely feels so alone!  (Unjust, unfair too) In that no one in the family is there to relate to your experience and share it with you.

I think he gave his best in that sense, and he is likely done.  (RA sucks!). It is like putting that bucket down in a dry well hoping to pull up a bucket of water. (An analogy I read here a few wks ago)

Phoebe offers some great thoughts to manage what you are left with now.

 

Btw:  I think you did amazing!  Can you find a way to celebrate for yourself?

[sweetheart]

Hooray VOC Hooray 'Case Closed' has a huge resonance for me.


How do I go about NOT attaching a script to them? What does that even mean? I don't why I love this response so much, but I do, I'm going to steal it and use it in my life for those What the heck ( can I put that, is it allowed?) moments... .

I'm sure you don't want or need me to tell you, but write the feelings here as or if they creep up on you. We all have different ways of processing emotions and writing them down as a way of working through them can be very effective. Thats why Cognitive based Therapies work for some people and Attachment based ones work better for others.

For me even though CPS closed the case, even wrote some lovely things about me as a mother, I was still then left with all 'the stuff' from before as though I'd had to put it on hold. Combine that with the anger and resentment I felt toward my husband because he couldnt support me with any of it, it took me a really long while to feel steady in myself again. I felt for ages that anything, even something small could knock me off balance. I was terrified if that happened I would never be able to get back up again. The dark scary thoughts and feelings were at times overwhelming. I had many sleepless nights for a good while. Running screaming down the road sometimes still feels like a really attractive option.

Take care.

[Notwendy]

I just wanted to say that I am very happy to hear this news for you, VOC

[Cole]

VOC,

Glad things worked out for you and your family.

Time to decompress! Get out and do something selfish. Get your mind off it. You will be glad you did.

[vortex of confusion]

How do I go about NOT attaching a script to them? What does that even mean? I don't why I love this response so much, but I do, I'm going to steal it and use it in my life for those What the heck ( can I put that, is it allowed?) moments... .

I am glad that you enjoyed my response. I don't know how to NOT attach a script. I have a very rich life in my head. I tend to be one of those more introverted types that thinks like crazy.

For me even though CPS closed the case, even wrote some lovely things about me as a mother, I was still then left with all 'the stuff' from before as though I'd had to put it on hold. Combine that with the anger and resentment I felt toward my husband because he couldnt support me with any of it, it took me a really long while to feel steady in myself again. I felt for ages that anything, even something small could knock me off balance. I was terrified if that happened I would never be able to get back up again. The dark scary thoughts and feelings were at times overwhelming. I had many sleepless nights for a good while. Running screaming down the road sometimes still feels like a really attractive option.

Take care.

  Thank you so much for this sweetheart! You have perfectly explained how I feel. My husband helped with some things, like the cleaning. As far as emotional support goes, I feel like he was largely absent. It was a few close friends and this forum that built me up and helped to keep me from completely falling apart. I laughed out loud when I read the running screaming down the road comment. I have felt like that all too often. I joke about running away and joining the circus.

[vortex of confusion]

You are not likely to get the recognition that you deserve. Sorry.

-------------

Btw:  I think you did amazing!  Can you find a way to celebrate for yourself?

Thank you Sunflower!

I know that I am not going to get anything from my husband. My kids recognize what I did. My oldest has thanked me. At one point during the ordeal, my oldest said something like, "Wow mom, I can really see how much you love us. You are busting your butt and doing amazing things with the house." I have to remind myself that I don't really need recognition from anybody. All I need to do is look at my kids and see that they are safe and healthy and happy. My kids are amazing people.

I don't know what to do to celebrate for myself. I bought a nice big take out meal and we had a nice big dinner as a family. I am thinking about sneaking off for a small shopping trip soon.

I did finally talk my husband into trading in one of our cars so we could get a bigger vehicle that is more comfortable for the kids. Now, we are planning a trip to go see his mom in a couple of weeks. She is getting older and hasn't seen our kids in over 2 years. I don't care where we go, I just want to go. Every now and then, I get these horrible urges to go on a field trip and get out of town. It should be fun, especially in the bigger vehicle.

[MaybeSo]

How do I go about NOT attaching a script to them? What does that even mean?

There is a buddhist practice of noting how you feel in your body without attaching a story or label to it.  Without ATTACHING to it at all.

For example, you may find heat, or constriction, or charged energy, or shortness of breath,  tense muscles, nausea... .or a variety of sensations... .etc. etc.  But upon investigation you will never find "the story" in your body... .b/c that's what the ego/mind does... .it attaches a story about the bodily felt sensation we have, especially if it is in any way uncomfortable.  This way of viewing life sees ... all experience... .including what we call sadness, rage, disappointment... .as just sensation level experience... .that originates in the body.  So... .it can be helpful to stop or quiet the minds need to label or tell a story about the sensation... .and just be with whatever is arising in the present moment at the sensation level of experience.   Bruce Tift calls it embodied vulnerablility (buddhist practioner and psychotherapist)   It can be freeing b/c when we detach from the label or story (which prolongs and cements the experience instead of letting it come and go) and instead just notice what is present at the sensation level... .we stay fluid and we don't get stuck in suffering.

That's my understanding of it.

It's a practice.  

[Cat Familiar]

Congratulations, Vortex!  

You worked really hard and it must have felt nice to get acknowledgment from your daughter.

I'm an introverted thinker and it seems to me that I've become even more so having a husband who is so emotional.

I've used my highly developed thinking capacity to do self-therapy. What I do is "parts work"--I split my awareness into a variety of parts and have an internal conversation with myself. It might be the "resentful" part speaking with the "grateful" part and maybe the "iconoclastic" part might have something to add and maybe the "humor" part might crack me up about the whole situation. It sounds a little weird writing about it, but I've found it to be very helpful in processing "stuck" feelings.

[OffRoad]

I wanted to post an update and let everyone know that we found out that the case with CPS has been closed. We haven't received a letter yet. I was actually pleasantly surprised by my husband. He took it upon himself to e-mail the caseworker and ask about it because we are trying to plan a trip.

I couldn't believe that my husband took that much initiative.

Now that all of that stuff is out of the way, I need to figure out what to do with all of these feelings that I am having.

I know this is not something that is realistic so I am bringing it here. I find myself wanting some kind of appreciation or recognition from my husband. I feel like I saved his butt. I could have very easily said that everything in the report was true. I could have chosen to use the situation as an opportunity to get him out of the house. I didn't do that. I defended him and advocated for him and made sure that he looked good at all times. I mentioned it to him briefly and he said something like, "I know you saved my butt. I am not going to say anything about it because I am trying to let my actions speak for me." Um, okay, whatever. I don't feel like his actions are saying anything other than, "Oh hey, life can go back to normal and I can go back to being comfortable and aloof."

I know he isn't a danger to our kids. However, it feels like all of the feelings that I stuffed down to get through this summer are now trying to creep up.

BBM: Well, he DID take the initiative to email the caseworker. There is something. He DID agree to a larger vehicle. That is also something. Try looking for actions that are nicer than normal, even little ones.

You could say something to the effect that you appreciate his actions, and some words would be nice to hear, too. But he DID say that he knows you saved his butt. Is that one acknowledgement not enough? What else would you like to hear? Or is there a WAY you want him to say it? Maybe actions is a better way for him to express his gratitude.

[vortex of confusion]

Well, he DID take the initiative to email the caseworker. There is something. He DID agree to a larger vehicle. That is also something. Try looking for actions that are nicer than normal, even little ones.

I know. I need to do a better job of noticing every little good thing he does. Quite frankly, I am tired of feeling like I have to notice every little bitty thing he does that is good while I get very little recognition for all that I do.

You could say something to the effect that you appreciate his actions, and some words would be nice to hear, too. But he DID say that he knows you saved his butt. Is that one acknowledgement not enough? What else would you like to hear? Or is there a WAY you want him to say it? Maybe actions is a better way for him to express his gratitude.

I realize that I am being unreasonable here. I know that he acknowledged it. Now, I should shut up and not say another word to him or anybody else. I know that I am the problem here. I wish there was a way to just delete this entire thread as I have nothing to complain about and I should just take what I can get and be quiet.

[Turkish]

I know that I am not going to get anything from my husband. My kids recognize what I did. My oldest has thanked me. At one point during the ordeal, my oldest said something like, "Wow mom, I can really see how much you love us. You are busting your butt and doing amazing things with the house." I have to remind myself that I don't really need recognition from anybody. All I need to do is look at my kids and see that they are safe and healthy and happy. My kids are amazing people.

Vortex,

We were under scrutiny from CPS a few months ago. When the case-worker made a not so veiled threat that they could take our kids, I flipped out inside. I was very, very scared.

As a mther and a wife, I think you should congratuate yourself on keeping the family together. That was you. That your husband seems to not appreciate the overall impact of this is on him. If you feel the kids aren't in danger, then they're not. You made the right calls. Take pride in that! We recognize you (whether you need it or not   and your awesome kids... .well, that is a reward in itself  

Turkish