An email, just need some advice...

[Rbrdkyst4]

Hey Everyone! I hope we are all doing well, or as well as can be. Thank you so much for your help in my personal healing and I hope that those of us who have been on for a while have helped in return.

I would like a little bit of advice. EnDad sent me this email:

Further to my text message this afternoon, uBPDm and I would appreciate the chance to resolve the issue that has caused your silence for the past two years.

It's time for you to put it on the table and let us know what we have done. Only in that way can we resolve it and get our relationship back on an even keel.

I think that deserve at least that much considering what we contributed to your life since [my year of birth] to present.

A face to face would be best. Emailing and texting are inadequate for this kind of situation.

Time is pressing on.


To clarify, I haven't spoken to them in 3 and a half years, have blocked their phone number so I don't receive text messages or phone calls, and all their emails go straight to the Trash file. I randomly check it to see if they have emailed me (enDad sends pleas, uBPDm forwards spam). I guess I check because I want to have that faint hope, but this shows me that they are no closer to understanding than before and to explain it to them would be hopeless. Too much anger.

Clearly I haven't healed as much as I would have liked. I haven't forgotten and I'm trying to move forward. I have no desire to talk this out. Too many   triggers.

I'm not sure if I should reply at all, since I'm NC. Life is soo much better without them. Maybe I'll just mull this over a couple of days and let my emotions settle down. Maybe it's time to talk to a therapist again.

Thanks for listening.

[Deb]

Since you are NC, I wouldn't reply unless you think it will make a difference.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there Rbrdkyst4,

I believe as children, and even adults, we are made to be driven to desire to bond with our parents.  Even under the most abusive circumstances, we are left with a large or small portion of us still wishing for that bond drive to be fulfilled to satisfaction/completion.  This is just natural to feel a pull from receiving an email that seems reasonable and may spark that hidden hope we have of a fulfilling our drive for parental bonding.

Can you tell us more about your thoughts about this email?

Why did this one catch your consideration vs others?

What would be your reasons for breaking NC vs remaining NC?

Oops, I apologize, looking back I see you say you have no desire to talk this out.  Do you mean with your parents? Or here as well?

Feel free sharing what you are comfortable with.


~Sunflower

[Enoughforme]

Just a question- let say you did- Could you really forgive and trust them again? I personally know that yes I can forgive the words and actions but would never feel safe enough to be close again.

[Rbrdkyst4]

Sunfl0wer:

My emotional response to this email is one of Fear and I get really Upset. Just ask my wife. It takes 3 days or more for me to calm down every time I read these e-mails. Again, I ask myself why I read them anyways.

My thoughts about this email - I'll try to avoid rambling -  :

The whole thing has me emotionally distraught. Am I desiring the emotional upheaval that comes with reading  it? Am I missing the emotional abuse from my parents? Yes, I guess I am in some way.

I'm convinced that they know what they have done, but have paid it no mind. The time frame that they indicated is incorrect as it has been 3 1/2 years (8 1/2 if you go all the way back to when it really came to the front). I'm terrified of speaking to them and the threat of sitting down and hashing it out makes it even worse. There's the Guilt and Obligation of how they contributed to my life and "deserve" it.

Also, this comes from my EnDad. I haven't heard anything from uBPDm, so I don't know if she so much as cares. EnDad is the mouthpiece and will have peace at any price. I feel that they are going to bring a host of "what they did for me" to null and void my grievances against them. I also have a massive feeling of betrayal of trust, so I have no desire to impart any information of any kind to them.

-Why did this one catch my consideration?-

I guess because of the threat of having a meeting face to face. I Fear that they are going to just show up on my doorstep and demand to talk. Of course I'll tell them to "pound sand" if that happens, but just the thought of them being there is a serious breach of my feeling of personal security. Also the statement at the end "Time is pressing on" causes stress because I feel they are putting the blame on me.

-My reasons for breaking NC-

It would be one email to tell them that they have betrayed my trust, betrayed the idea of family, have done and said things towards me and those I love, and have been brutally unaccepting of anything or anyone that didn't fit their idea of how things are supposed to work. 

I have no desire to talk it out with them. At all. Fortunately I would talk it out here in this forum because I feel secure here. A relative level of anonymity and a massive support group who say encouraging and positive things.


Enoughforme :

I could never trust them again and forgiveness is out of the question. I would always be in a state of tenseness and fear waiting to get angry, and afterwards be emotionally exhausted. It would not be a healthy relationship in any way. I could never be close or feel safe around them. I would be suspicious of everything and their motives. Not good IMHO

 group hug! 

Thanks for listening!

[Harri]

Hi!   

I see that you do not want to interact with them and see no reason to do so.  It is totally understandable that you feel this way and I do support you. 

Two things keep coming to mind when I read your post.  First is that they have such an ability to trigger fear and a panic response in you.  I get feeling that way as I felt that way with my own FOO, but over time, as I set limits and boundaries and detached more and more, those feelings went away.  Have you sought help with this?  I am not asking that because I think  there is anything wrong with your reactions, and I will again say it is totally understandable and even a normal reaction to growing up with a BPD parent and enmeshed parent.  It sounds to me though that all the triggers and emotional reactions are quite intense and maybe you can use some help with that?  What do you think?

Secondly, I went back and read previous posts to see if you have ever explicitly told your parents that you do not want contact with them.  I saw a post where you said letters do not seem effective.  I agree that they are not effective if your purpose for sending them is to get your parents to understand and accept your decision.  Chances are, they are pretty entrenched in their positions and behaviors by this time in your life.  I think though, that if you simply reply with a line of "I do not want further contact with you or my mother, please stop contacting me.  No resolution is possible.  I have explained what I do not like and will not accept previously and I will not repeat it here.  Any further emails or texts will be deleted without being read and all phone calls will be refused."  This allows you to take speak your mind and set limits, which *can be* very empowering and can do a great deal to help you lessen the trauma and emotional upheaval that occurs whenever they contact you like this.  You know yourself and your situation best though so leave what I say if it does not apply to you.

I also suggest saying the above if you have never actually said something along those lines.  They are not mind readers (even though sometimes they think they are!).  While most 'normal' people would get the hint, you are not dealing with normal here.  Plus, you are dealing with parents... .whole different thing. 

Another aspect is that often times, they will test your desire and/or resolve to stay no contact.  Some people think that any communication opens things up for even more contact and discussion.  I agree that it can, but I also come at this from the point where learning to speak up, set limits and confront the things that most bother us are a great way to heal and be strengthened.

Just my two cents. 

[Rbrdkyst4]

Harri

My wife and I talked this over and we came to a similar conclusion. She suggested that I write it all out ("Catharsis" is the word of the day) in an email. Clearly I haven't confronted them about it and like you said "they aren't mind readers."

I have written a very long email. My wife suggested that once it's all done, I can either send it to them, or save it for later and simply say "I'm not ready to discuss this at this time." Very similar to what you suggested.

I think it's time to send it to them. It does feel empowering.

I said at the end of my email (haven't sent it yet) that I am forging ahead on my own road and they're not invited. If and when I am ready and I choose to invite them, I will let them know.

Thank you all who have read this post and contributed. You all keep me in my right head space.