Daughter in law show BPD signs

[Depression = 72% of members]

Been looking on internet about BPD and found my self here. My son wife has been suffering with depression. Paid visit to them this summer to see there new home and found out the problem is much worst than just depression. My wife was talking with a friend, explaining my son situation with out disclosing who she was talking about. The friend said that this sounded like her mother Who suffers from BPD. That discussion is what started me looking on the Internet.

[Fil]

Been looking on internet about BPD and found my self here. My son wife has been suffering with depression. Paid visit to them this summer to see there new home and found out the problem is much worst than just depression. My wife was talking with a friend, explaining my son situation with out disclosing who she was talking about. The friend said that this sounded like her mother Who suffers from BPD. That discussion is what started me looking on the Internet.

[Kwamina]

Hi Fil

I am sorry to hear your son is in this difficult situation. BPD is quite a challenging disorder and dealing with a BPD wife isn't easy. How long have the two of them been married?

Has your daughter-in-law been getting any kind of treatment or therapy for her issues? How is your son coping with all of this?

You say she has been suffering with depression but after visiting them this summer believe there is much more going on with her. Could you tell us a bit more about her behavior? What kind of things does she say or do that you find troubling?

Welcome to bpdfamily

[Notwendy]

This is heartbreaking to see your son's wife struggle and also your son.

I think it is helpful to learn about BPD so that you understand the situation.

Also, as much as you wish to help both of them, and help your son, I see this as a challenging line to walk on. My mother has BPD and my father, now deceased, ( in his elderly years and she is elderly. I am grown with my own family) was devoted to her despite the difficulties in their marriage. He was very protective of her. His family had concerns about her from the beginning, and his response was to distance himself from them, so that they would not be critical of her.

I was not told anything about her as a child, but I discovered her situation as I got older. When my father got to be older and frailer, I too had questions and concerns about her, and also about him as he aged. I didn't expect this but his response to me was similar- to protect her and distance himself from me. My mother's family has done the same.

Both my parents remained connected to my mother's side of the family, because they too rallied together in silence to protect mom from any discovery or criticism. I did remain in contact with my father's side of the family. If there is any bright spot in this picture for you as your son's side, is that my children and I are close to the relatives on his side now. It was not my choice to split the family into sides, but it was the result of the family dynamics.

If there was one thing I wish I had known when I first discovered my mother had BPD was to understand the family dynamics better, especially the drama triangle ( there is information about this) as well as the dynamics between couples when one has BPD. My father was getting older, and I thought I could help him. I jumped right in with my knowledge of BPD as "Rescuer". The response from my parents was to see me as "Persecutor", bond together stronger, against this "threat" .

I am not sure what influence my father's side of the family had in helping him with my mother. He was not open to that. However, they were very influential in helping him when it came to us. Although their relationship over my mother was strained, they made themselves available for the kids to stay with them. This must have been a huge relief for my father to know we were safe and loved with them.

We spent a significant amount of time with them as mom was not up to having us around all the time. They were healthier role models as parents, and we had cousins to play with. They did not speak poorly of my mother to us as kids, but after my father died, they were a source of support,  information, and truth for me. I know at this point, his parents are no longer here, but their influence is here through his remaining family.

Not all stories are the same, and yours may be different. I'm telling you this, because when I stepped in to help my dad and got the results I did, I also imagined the heartbreak my grandmother must have gone through when she faced the same thing. I have children now and it would break my heart to have them alienate me. It surely broke my heart when my father alienated me. However, had I been aware of these dynamics, I may have been more effective in my interactions with my parents.

If your son is asking you for help, then ask him what he would like for you to do, and how to help him. However, when it comes to dealing with his wife, I am not sure what is the best way for you to discuss BPD. Perhaps a therapist can help with that- and knowing that the dynamics of BPD families can be intergenerational, it may be helpful to consider the dynamics of your relationship and the possibility of any co-dependency. I learned that my own co-dependent tendencies were not helpful when dealing with my parents, my husband and children, and so I chose to learn how to relate to them differently. Ironically, helping myself has been most effective at improving my relationships with family.

What I do know is that it was not just about my mother, it was my father who could have benefited from counseling. Little was known about PBD back in the time. Your son may be focused on his wife's illness. If he is willing to seek out help for himself, this could make a difference.

If your son is not interested in your help, then you may still have a significant impact on the well being of any children and their family. I can not imagine who I would be without my father's family's influence and support. If you can remain close to your son, and spend time with any present or future children, and if your son's siblings will also do so, then this can make a difference.  

[Fil]

Kwamina thank you for your welcome

My son is been married for three years this is a second marriage they're both in their early 40s. They each have three children from their previous marriage but no children together. Two of their children live with them they're hers. Her oldest daughter lives with her father and she's a young adult.

   Daughter-in-law suffers with severe depression I believe her to be bipolar. She has taken some medication received from general practitioner. She quit taking it when she starts feeling better when she thinks the side effects don't make her feel better. She can go many days without functioning making meals or getting out of bed. She also take herbal supplements and use essential oils.

     I suffer from depression myself so I have been able to talk to her some about how to treat depression. My wife has been a tremendous support for me so she has also tried to help her and help my son deal with her depression.

     We live in different states so we only get to see each other about every six months. I noticed her being very short with my son and talking down to him like she was talking to a child. She was being very controlling and learned she has OCD about cleaning and everything had ,to be cleaned her way and know one could do it right except her. She was very unkind letting my son know he was doing it all wrong. I had a very hard time not saying any thing at the time I was in shock she was treating my son this Way he just took it.

   We have been trying to support my son in dealing with her depression but we had not realized how abusive she had become tell then. I then realized he was walking on egg shells. That was begging of my awaking that she was dealing with more than just depression.

   I have the concern previously how her family have been treating her them staying at a distance from her. I thought it was because they didn't know how to deal with her because of her depression. I could tell that her family didn't support her and her decision to divorce her first husband. She told us she divorced her first husband because he was addicted to the computer. And all he ever did was play games on the computer and didn't pay attention to the family or her. And let us to believe that he had other addictions with reference to the computer. We were led to believe that he just didn't know how to deal with her because of her depression. So my son fell madly in love with her wanting to rescue her from her husband that didn't care about her. They both had been divorced from their previous spouses over a year before they met. My sons previous wife divorced him because she want to live a different lifestyle. We live what some may calls a strict religion and she didn't want to live that way anymore, so my son was feeling pretty rejected at the time he met his now wife. She seems to be a completely different person now that they've been married three years. I know He loves her very much but she is so hard to be around. I know understand what her family keeps there distance from her. And why didn't her family saying anything to my son before they got married. I feel that my son is been tricked

[Fil]

Notwendy thank you for your welcome and sharing about your life. Thank you for your insight and I'll look into the things you recommended.

 It sounds like growing up with a BPD mom was a challenge. It's good to hear that you had your father's family to help you during your time growing up. Hearing your story helps me understand what my role might be as a grandfather. My son has three children from his previous marriage and no children with his present wife. His oldest daughter is in college the two younger children live with their mother. My son lives about three hours away from his children. He's closest with his younger daughter who is 12. She stays with them over the weekend every other week.

    I haven't as of yet talk to my son about my suspicion that his wife has BPD. I've come to this conclusion only a few days ago. I want to tell him about this website and the support he can receive from it.

    I don't think I can get him or his wife into any kind of a counseling situation soon. We tried to encourage that in the past knowing that she had depression but we're not successful. The best I hope for right now is to get my son informed of what PPD is and how to deal with it from the information on the site. I'll probably talk to him on the phone when his wife's not around and try to direct him to this sight. I know they both could benefit from receiving counseling from the right counselor.

They have just moved a couple months ago and the move has has caused like a bomb to go off in their life. The stress of the move has completely just shut her down completely. They've moved into 100-year-old house from a modern home and it's thrown her for a loop. Her OCD has completely taken over her life. She has become completely paralyzed in her life. She will not put anything away into their new home until it meet her standard of cleanliness. She has gone thru the house taking out carpet taking down kitchen cupboards wanting all to be replaced with new. The house looks like something out of hoarders TV show. Boxes everywhere with the house in construction mode. Piles of boxes in the yard with rain getting all over them. Kitchen cupboards with the doors off him with no food or dishes allowed to go in them tell her standards are met. Bathroom floor torn up to wood planks. Not able to function spends most of time in bed but won't let anybody do anything to help her because she has to do it all herself has to be done her way. Wont let my son doing the construction work even though he's a contractor. Want to only a tradesman to do the work of the specific tasks needed. Didn't make these demands and tell they moved to the house even though they had been there three or four weekends before they moved.

    Another big challenge has been my son has to go away 3 to 4 days a week to work Out of town.

     He has to get in a big fight with her anytime he tries to do anything to put it away or clean the house.

      My wife and I came to see their new house and we where shocked. It's an old hundred-year-old house but definitely was livable until she started tearing it apart. The yard was full of boxes full of her things out in the weather. She would not let him bring them into the house because the house wasn't ready. She thought it was better just to leave things outside and let them to be ruined by the weather. It was hard for her to deal with us being there so she basically just want to bed. So we took that as an opportunity to start cleaning things up. We got all the boxes cleaned up and put away. When she got up and saw we did she didn't say anything to anybody. That is till we left and she let my son have it. She took everything back outside that we have put away. After that she would not let us help her at all. She just started complaining about her physical problems.

       We have seen her at our daughters home since and she kind of acted like nothing had happened.

[Panda39]

Hi Fil,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I wanted to point out the information box in the right hand margin -------------------------------------->

There is a lot of information there that might be helpful in the links there.  You might want to start with "Understanding BPD Behaviors" to gain a better understanding of BPD.  Just click on "Understanding BPD behavior" and that will take you to some more reading on the subject.

I'm not a psychologist and certainly can't diagnose anyone with anything but some of your DIL's behaviors around the household cleanliness sound obsessive compulsive to me.  I'm on these boards because my significant other has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD exwife) she had the opposite problem she could never let go of anything he had to smuggle things out of the house to get rid of them or had to put things in the trash right before pick up because if he threw things away to soon she would rummage through the trash and take things out again and bring them back in the house! 

Hang in there keep learning and be there for your son when he needs you. 

You are not alone 

Panda39

[Fil]

Panda 39.   Thank you for the welcome

I can tell already there's much information that can be learned here on this board. I've been studying the drama triangle. Thanks for pointing out the information on the right side of the board.

[Notwendy]

I know that it is devastating to see someone you love dealing with that. As much as you want to help your son, it is not possible to predict his response to your help. It is up to you to decide if you want to mention BPD or not, but his reaction may or may not be positive to that. One thing to consider is if he has asked for your help or not, and if he has, to ask him how you can help him- what he feels he needs from you.

pw BPD are very sensitive to criticism and anything they perceive as criticism. You have already seen this when you helped with the clean up- as your help may have called attention to your daughter in laws issues. Also when people have OCD, and also BPD, they can be anxious and become very controlling to manage their own anxiety. They feel out of control so they try to control people and their environment.

One example of this is when my father was sick and I brought some of his favorite ice cream in the house. My mother had a fit- saying nobody brings anything into her house without her permission. She made us get rid of it. This seemed very bizarre, until one sees it in the perspective of the drama triangle.

She saw this as me being critical of how she was taking care of dad, and so her response was to get rid of the offense- the ice cream and make sure she was in control of anything brought in the house.

I know that you want to inform your son, and help him. Do what you wish from your heart, but the response is not predictable. It would help for you to gain understanding of the dynamics of relationships where one partner has BPD so that you can learn more about how you can best help him.  The couple bond- between him and his wife is strong.

He may feel he needs to choose if your interactions with him are perceived as upsetting or being critical of his wife. Triangulation is a common pitfall, and she may see you as being critical and disapproving of her. Your son may feel he has to choose her over you to keep the peace.

I think all children no matter how old they are wish for unconditional love from their parents- letting your son know you are there for him and his wife regardless.

[Fil]

Not wendy

I want to thank you for your response I read what you said last night and have reread it this this morning . Its obvious to me that you're speaking from experience. I've been reading about the drama triangle. The dynamics of that is helping me become clear on how to understand the relationship between my son his wife and the rest of the family. I noticed at times he is very open to what I say. And I will other times he's in a protective mode of this wife. I don't know exactly how  i will proceed but I do know that I'll continue to educate myself. I also want to reinforce to him i'm his dad I'm there for him unconditionally no matter what. I tend to have a tendency to be the rescuer for him and I need to balance this relationship better.

[Notwendy]

I'm glad my experience is of help to you. I certainly sympathize with you as it is so hard to see someone you love struggle in a relationship. I also have to remain aware of my own rescuer tendencies. It is normal to be protective of our children but once they become adults, sometimes we need to step back. It's hard.

Being an accepting and loving presence for our kids, at any age, is a good thing and your son will see that. He will handle his own relationship.  What you might want to consider, if you can, and also you said you have a daughter who might wish to do so- is to spend time with the kids- also as a supportive presence.

Some memories of my aunts included them taking me shopping for clothes when I was a teen. I helped a friend's mother bake cookies. My mother does not bake. These are ordinary experiences, and I am grateful that I got to experience them.  It may not have seemed like a big deal to include me in every day experiences but it was for me.