The male hermit

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sometimes I feel like I am the only person out there to have found one of these.   

My exBPD is a hermit/waif hybrid, with heavy hermit characteristics.  I am asking about this because a lot of the things that apply to other types don't apply to this one, especially regarding cheating and replacements.

I feel fairly confident that my ex does indeed have BPD.  But being alone isn't necessarily what scares him.  He would often say that it is better to be alone than to be in a "bad" relationship.  He seemed much more concerned that I would think he was a bad person than that I would leave him outright.  Abandonment was more of an emotional concept to him than literally breaking up.  When I asked him what he was really afraid of, he actually couldn't tell me.  He broke up with me in the heat of an argument with no replacement.

He has various coping mechanisms or defense mechanisms that he uses to explain his singleness:

-"I just don't trust women."

-"I haven't recovered from my previous relationship enough to have another girlfriend yet."

-"All of the women I meet are crazy."

While he is saying all of these things, he is ACTIVELY looking for a replacement, and these kinds of statements magically vanish when he meets someone who seems like a good source of supply.  In fact, he has never initiated a relationship -- he only has relationships with women who pursue him.  He has very little to offer a woman, so this is a rare occurrence.  In between, he gets himself by with a "victim" identity.  Ironically, the "victim" identity is very unattractive to most women (except the most codependent) and he actually perpetuates his own aloneness by protecting himself.  He seems to be able to get "supply" from places other than romantic love, like groups of friends, his band, etc.  However, he is middle-aged, and these other sources are drying up as he gets older.  He once told me that being single for an extended period of time is almost physically painful, though, and that he doesn't wish to return to that kind of loneliness.

Does anyone else have experience with a male hermit?  Can you offer any insight on things like recycling, replacements, etc.?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Sometimes I feel like I am the only person out there to have found one of these.   

My exBPD is a hermit/waif hybrid, with heavy hermit characteristics.  I am asking about this because a lot of the things that apply to other types don't apply to this one, especially regarding cheating and replacements.

I feel fairly confident that my ex does indeed have BPD.  But being alone isn't necessarily what scares him.  He would often say that it is better to be alone than to be in a "bad" relationship.  He seemed much more concerned that I would think he was a bad person than that I would leave him outright.  Abandonment was more of an emotional concept to him than literally breaking up.  When I asked him what he was really afraid of, he actually couldn't tell me.  He broke up with me in the heat of an argument with no replacement.

He has various coping mechanisms or defense mechanisms that he uses to explain his singleness:

-"I just don't trust women."

-"I haven't recovered from my previous relationship enough to have another girlfriend yet."

-"All of the women I meet are crazy."

While he is saying all of these things, he is ACTIVELY looking for a replacement, and these kinds of statements magically vanish when he meets someone who seems like a good source of supply.  In fact, he has never initiated a relationship -- he only has relationships with women who pursue him.  He has very little to offer a woman, so this is a rare occurrence.  In between, he gets himself by with a "victim" identity.  Ironically, the "victim" identity is very unattractive to most women (except the most codependent) and he actually perpetuates his own aloneness by protecting himself.  He seems to be able to get "supply" from places other than romantic love, like groups of friends, his band, etc.  However, he is middle-aged, and these other sources are drying up as he gets older.  He once told me that being single for an extended period of time is almost physically painful, though, and that he doesn't wish to return to that kind of loneliness.

Does anyone else have experience with a male hermit?  Can you offer any insight on things like recycling, replacements, etc.?

[disorderedsociety]

Personally I've used some of the same rationales to explain my singleness, but I am only 8 months out. I've felt like I might have BPD myself but my T assures me it isn't true. After all, I sometimes crave a relationship but I know those are weak moments and probably the worst time to seek one. Strange how "nons" can display some of the same traits. Are there other hallmark features of BPD in this guy?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Oh yes, lots.  I am not using this list to justify his BPD.  See my intro thread.

His mother also sounds like a very typical BPD Hermit Mother.  He didn't lose his virginity until his late 30s because his mother instilled a terror of STDs in him and said that he betrayed her by even having female friends over to the house.

The thing that is confusing is that people on here say that a BPD "always" has a replacement before a breakup.  I am 99.9% sure that he is BPD because of his other traits, but he's missing that one.  People keep saying he will recycle me when his next relationship ends or goes bad, but he went over a year between dumping his last gf (exactly the same way he dumped me) and beginning to date me.  When he first met me, he said that he didn't trust women and wasn't ready to date yet.  Then it turned out that he had dated several other women in the meantime, but they had failed to "supply" him.  He had tried to replace his ex girlfriend almost immediately and failed.

He magically decided that he trusted all women again when I began to stroke his ego.

[LostGhost]

I'm sorry to hear what you are experiencing. Coming to terms with BPD and understanding it is never easy. I still don't know if mine has a replacement or had a replacement lined up before she left. I believe that she did based on her past behaviors. When she broke up with me she said "it's funny, I usually have someone else in mind before I break up with someone but this is the first time I didn't have anyone". Which I thought was a good sign we might get back together after a short break and she seemed to be leaning in that direction, saying things like "I didn't know what I had until it was gone" but when I saw her again it seemed for sure that I had already been replaced within 24 hours or less based on the way she was treating me like I was invisible and my worth was less than garbage.

The only thing I can say that might help from what I've heard, BPD is a spectrum disorder meaning the range of behaviors can be minimal to extreme. Some are extremely violent, some avoid conflict entirely. Some are promiscuous, others avoid sex or use it as a tool or weapon only. Some rage, some are passive. It's hard to say where your partner might fall on that spectrum but I think the universal truth is that we have all been abused by our partners either physically, psychologically or emotionally. They do so with little regard for our feelings. They do not seem to take much time to grieve a relationship but are rather always looking forward, hunting the next source of supply. And when they find themselves with no supply left or the thought of finding another one seems exhausting, they might return to someone/something familiar to get that supply and to soothe the intense inner pain they feel.

I have been recycled once in this 2 year relationship. I expect... .or should I say hope... .that I am recycled again. I cannot escape. I don't even know what is wrong with me. I am young, attractive, outgoing. I have a lot going for me. I work hard at the gym, not for myself, to get her back. I try to make more money, not for myself, to get her back. I pursue my dreams, not for myself, to get her back. Nothing I do is truly just for "me" even if I can lie to myself that it is. There's always the secondary goal of if I do this... .it will lead to this... .which will bring her back. I am truly lost and I've tried to listen to the advice and the warnings from friends, family and this community. But I am like a character from the Lord of the Rings and I am drawn to the one ring of power to rule them all. I look at other girls and just feel nothing. I've had some ask me out for drinks, I'll grab their number and then never call them. I tried watching pornography and felt sick to my stomach. The thought of dating websites likewise makes me repulsed. I only want her. After all the abuse, lies, manipulations, projecting, humiliation, the fact that she's probably having sex with someone or multiple people to get her ego back and feel happy, confident and supplied, the fact that I've thought about her every day and she probably hasn't thought of me even once, I should be disgusted and want to run the other direction but instead I remain steadfast in the face of oblivion for another chance, losing myself piece by piece.

I can tolerate the pain, abuse, neglect, the cycles, the push/pull. It's depleting and damaging. But nothing is more painful than being without her and losing what we shared together, even if it was often troubled.

It's a curious observation we find ourselves posting on the staying/undecided/leaving board even after the relationship has ended or our partners have moved on. Only in the world of BPD, since we know it's never really "over" for good most of the time.

[EaglesJuju]

My pwBPD fits into the hermit typology. I view the hermit typology as a comorbid BPD and AVPD (avoidant personality disorder). He also has traits of a waif, but the hermit predominates.

He has no friends, other than his family, and has always had problems making friends. He has no experience with relationships with anyone, including friends. The only friends that he had was online friends.  He has abandonment fears, although he typically spends his time by himself. Spending time alone triggers his fears of abandonment, but prevents him from ever being rejected.

In a way, his avoidance is an extension of him not facing his own shame and self loathing. If he is withdrawing and shutting the world out, then no one will be able to reject him or see what a "horrible person" (his description of himself) he is.

He is the type that will be able to isolate himself for the rest of his life and can choose to not engage in any type of relationship.

The thing that is confusing is that people on here say that a BPD "always" has a replacement before a breakup.

This is a generalized statement. Although some behaviors are similar amongst pwBPD, there are individual characteristics that comprise a personality. Individual characteristics make up a personality and this is true for "nons" as well.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm on the leaving board because it's not my choice to stay or leave.  It's the serenity prayer -- I'm trying to accept what I can't control.  To post anywhere else would be to presume my ability to control the most stubborn person I've ever met.  

My hermit is super paranoid.  One day not long before our breakup he was lying on the couch, almost in my lap, and he said, "I feel so safe with you.  I would trust you with my life."

A few days later, he was mailing my stuff back from a fake return address.

Don't think I don't know that it can go back the other way.

At the moment he seems to be withdrawing and becoming even more reclusive, backing out of social engagements at the last minute and staying home.  He posts this in places he knows I can't avoid seeing it.  After the breakup he initially went out and socialized like crazy, competing with me for friends and invitations.  Now he seems to have given up, or his new life without me and without a circle of friends isn't meeting his expectations.  Maybe he blames me for all of it.  Well, probably.

Last night I had so many nightmares about him.  He always used to use this really obnoxious smiley face emoticon in every text he sent me.  I had a nightmare last night that he took out a PPO against me and when I got it in the mail, it was punctuated every few lines with that smiley face.  Weirdest nightmare ever.

And the thing is?  I know in my bones that he will come back.  I'm making an educated guess that there will be an attempted recycle before Halloween.  You saw it here first.

EaglesJuju, that sounds a lot like mine, although I think my ex finds loneliness too unbearable to last long that way.  

[misssouthernbelle]

I'm on the leaving board because it's not my choice to stay or leave.  It's the serenity prayer -- I'm trying to accept what I can't control.  To post anywhere else would be to presume my ability to control the most stubborn person I've ever met.  

My hermit is super paranoid.  One day not long before our breakup he was lying on the couch, almost in my lap, and he said, "I feel so safe with you.  I would trust you with my life."

A few days later, he was mailing my stuff back from a fake return address.

Don't think I don't know that it can go back the other way.

At the moment he seems to be withdrawing and becoming even more reclusive, backing out of social engagements at the last minute and staying home.  He posts this in places he knows I can't avoid seeing it.  After the breakup he initially went out and socialized like crazy, competing with me for friends and invitations.  Now he seems to have given up, or his new life without me and without a circle of friends isn't meeting his expectations.  Maybe he blames me for all of it.  Well, probably.

Last night I had so many nightmares about him.  He always used to use this really obnoxious smiley face emoticon in every text he sent me.  I had a nightmare last night that he took out a PPO against me and when I got it in the mail, it was punctuated every few lines with that smiley face.  Weirdest nightmare ever.

And the thing is?  I know in my bones that he will come back.  I'm making an educated guess that there will be an attempted recycle before Halloween.  You saw it here first.

EaglesJuju, that sounds a lot like mine, although I think my ex finds loneliness too unbearable to last long that way.  

I'm pretty sure they one I was involved with for about two months is a hermit BPD male. WOW, you described him to a T. I think they get away with a lot more because they are perceived as the wittle, sad boys who always get with crazy women... .NEWSFLASH... .they probably make a lot of them crazy by luring them in, telling them things are good, then dropping them on their heads! B**tards. 

It was rampant in our social circles that he was drinking like a fish after he just discarded me and ignored the f**k out of me, after saying things were good. All his male friends were even buzzing with how he was drowning his feelings/thoughts with alcohol and many were worried. He was going out, getting sloppy drunk, and making an a** of himself. There's even a video of him at the wedding he had to be in (his lesbian ex was there... .so I'm sure he had to sedate himself to be in her presence too) but he was BEYOND drunk on the dance floor. He was loud, obnoxious, and could barely stand up. Everyone else was composed. It was ridiculous, especially considering that in his normal state, he's very reserved.

I think he'll eventually mellow out and will probably try to come back to my friend and her husband, his friend. They are the people that he's known for years and they're the ones that set us up. They said he disappears and reappears from time-to-time, but he's always reappeared by the time they notice. Now that he's blatantly ignoring them after they know what he did to me, they are beginning to see what a douche-canoe he is and the husband is pretty upset because they became close in the months surrounding us talking because we would do couple-like things together though we weren't official and just talking. I think he feels used and I hope they hold him accountable when he does come back. I don't think he'll come back to me. I mirrored too correctly and told him he was the reason he pushed good women away.

My pwBPD fits into the hermit typology. I view the hermit typology as a comorbid BPD and AVPD (avoidant personality disorder). He also has traits of a waif, but the hermit predominates.

He has no friends, other than his family, and has always had problems making friends. He has no experience with relationships with anyone, including friends. The only friends that he had was online friends.  He has abandonment fears, although he typically spends his time by himself. Spending time alone triggers his fears of abandonment, but prevents him from ever being rejected.

In a way, his avoidance is an extension of him not facing his own shame and self loathing. If he is withdrawing and shutting the world out, then no one will be able to reject him or see what a "horrible person" (his description of himself) he is.

He is the type that will be able to isolate himself for the rest of his life and can choose to not engage in any type of relationship.

The thing that is confusing is that people on here say that a BPD "always" has a replacement before a breakup.

This is a generalized statement. Although some behaviors are similar amongst pwBPD, there are individual characteristics that comprise a personality. Individual characteristics make up a personality and this is true for "nons" as well.

You just made me realize that perhaps this is why he has painted me and our friends that set us up (whom we spent a lot of time with) black at the same time! I think he knows that his disorder is coming out because he has to know I've told them how he did me and he knows that he has ignored both our attempts to get in touch. He's afraid of being rejected for what he's done. I know they project, but deep down, he has to know that he's the one accountable and that's why he runs... .so we can't reject him and hold him accountable for treating us shi*ty.

[GreenEyedMonster]

He's afraid of being rejected for what he's done. I know they project, but deep down, he has to know that he's the one accountable and that's why he runs... .so we can't reject him and hold him accountable for treating us shi*ty.

See, now, this is the part that I'm still trying to wrap my head around.  pwBPD supposedly forget what they've done when they need someone again, or can justify it.  Is mine going to avoid recycling me because of the shame, or will he be back?

[misssouthernbelle]

He's afraid of being rejected for what he's done. I know they project, but deep down, he has to know that he's the one accountable and that's why he runs... .so we can't reject him and hold him accountable for treating us shi*ty.

See, now, this is the part that I'm still trying to wrap my head around.  pwBPD supposedly forget what they've done when they need someone again, or can justify it.  Is mine going to avoid recycling me because of the shame, or will he be back?

Honestly, GreenEyedMonster, I think it depends entirely upon if you mirrored him correctly (and told him how he truly is, which he couldn't accept and projected it onto you), how dis-regulated he is, and the supply he has access to. We can never know when that will be. I just wouldn't hold out for it. You're wasting your time when you could be meeting a healthy man and working your way toward being a healthier you. You deserve that. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

He has precious little supply, I mirrored him VERY well right up until the last, never told him what I really thought of him, was exceedingly gentle even in the breakup, never shared any harsh words. 

I have a funny feeling he'll be back.

[myself]

He's afraid of being rejected for what he's done. I know they project, but deep down, he has to know that he's the one accountable and that's why he runs... .so we can't reject him and hold him accountable for treating us shi*ty.

See, now, this is the part that I'm still trying to wrap my head around.  pwBPD supposedly forget what they've done when they need someone again, or can justify it.  Is mine going to avoid recycling me because of the shame, or will he be back?

 misssouthernbelle

I don't think it's forgotten as much as buried. Run away from. Denied.

We're the ones who are supposed to forget. To turn the other cheek.

To not cause the other pain. To forgive as best we can while healing.

He might try coming back. Might not. Many (disordered) variables there.

What are you going to do if/ when he does? What about if he doesn't?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Oh heavens.  This morning I couldn't stand the thought of him.  Right now I desperately want him back.

I am torn because my head and heart are going in two different directions on this one.

And sometimes I think his anxiety is so high that I'll never not be a trigger for him.  Since he has never really pursued a woman before, why would he pursue me?  But we share mutual friends and he can see me in person without much risk, so he will probably try.  That was his original plan when he broke up with me.

I am going to give him two months and if I don't hear from him, I'm going to send his Very Valuable Item back with a mutual friend.  This thing is worth more than his car and he gave it to me to check it out to see if he could sell it, so I feel guilty keeping it.

He almost recycled his other ex, though it was easier to paint her black, I suppose. 

It's interesting because he was playing some stupid online mind game with me for a while with his RSVPs, and since I disappeared, he's stopped.  He seems to have backed off from the crazy socializing.  But he's about to lose some of his last bits of "supply" in a couple weeks if he doesn't find a replacement, so he's going to be hitting a real rough patch.

[B53]

This very eye opening. The one thing that seemed different to everything I have read is that my ex, liked being alone. I always felt he had more rejection issues, them abandonment issues. He has no friends except my family. We spent most of our time alone together.

I know at the moment he is not looking for a replacement. He went over ten years without dating. I’m sure he will start looking maybe in a few months.

He is deeply involved in therapy and is working hard on DBT. He is aware of what he has done to me.