Too intense for RTC?

[ProfDaddy]

DS11 is in his first week of the school portion of the program at a new RTC.  He spent 2 years at a different RTC, still showed violence. There have been many violent outbursts; he assaulted me during a visit, assaulted staff, lots of verbal abuse, he punched out a window.  These responses are reactions to any limit; not buying things, transitioning from a fun activity to something else; having to do schoolwork that he 'already knows.' 

One spooky part is that he has started using the same language that his borderline mother uses, blaming me for his outbursts, his emotions, his abuse. 

Bottom line is that residential treatment and a slew of psychiatric medication, now across three different facilities, doesn't help control DS11, or at least doesn't help him achieve enough control to function very well for very long.

It costs huge sums of money to have him in an RTC, and he doesn't seem to benefit.  What are other options?  He's dangerous to have around, I can't bring him home.  Where does one place a child who is too intense for treatment at an RTC?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

profdaddy-

I haven't been on this site for quite sometime but I read back a bit to see what is going on with your son and with you and your family.

Your story, your son's story is heartbreaking. And it is profoundly confusing to ponder what you should do, could do, can do.

I deeply admire you for loving your son. I deeply admire you for wishing to keep other members of your family safe.

I guess I want to know... .what do you think is the best move to make concerning your son? Is there anything, no matter how impossible, that you think might help him?

Don't disallow that his gaining more time on earth might help him. My situation involves my dBPDSD, now 24. Our story is not the extreme that you are experiencing whatsoever but at this point in her life I don't really think BPD describes her anymore. And it certainly did in previous years. She still has mental illness but she has gotten so much better and maturing/aging has something to do with it. So does her experiencing the same outcomes for poor behavior over and over and over again. Slow process but eventually... .she has started putting two and two together.

Changes- empathy towards others, formerly non-existent, now is sincere.

Ability to calm herself- formerly non-existent, now she exhibits an ability to self-sooth or to seek out appropriate council when she experiences anxiety/anger/self-loathing.

SD's backstory includes losing her Mom to cancer when she was a pre-teen. It also includes her Mom being sick from the time SD was 7 yrs old. She was an addict by the time she was 18 and over a year in a sober living facility helped to get her on the path she is now on but it was not instantaneous to her getting clean. She has had several AA sponsors and this has been very helpful for her to gain insight each one working on what they deemed important. She was dropped by several sponsors when they hit the wall with her but thankfully she stayed with AA and now has another great sponsor who is making more inroads than any of the others but frankly they have all played a valuable role in her recovery. The fact that she bought into the ideals of sobriety and to a 12 step program has also been instrumental.

When she was younger I used to feel that if I could just get her alone, say on a sailboat in the ocean, and work with her on life, that I might have made a difference... .think of Annie Sullivan with Helen Keller- Sullivan used Helen's rich family's resources to affect the changes she needed to gain Helen's trust and dependence and then worked to help her change and to become independant.  I never drew this correlation at the time I had fantasies about taking my SD out of her world of cell phones and negative influences and social media but sometime later saw the Miracle Worker and it sort of clicked. It never would have been practical- for one I don't own a sailboat and my sailing skills are elementary and I have to work and her Dad (my husband) would never have agreed to this! but that was where my mind went.

Wondering where your mind goes when you fantasize about how to best help your son. I also wonder what the folks who take care of him in RTC say and think. Is the behavior you describe in your son common or very uncommon? Do they have any models for any children in similar condition who have improved?

Lots of questions- zero advice but please know my heart goes out to you and your son and your family as this has got to be the most difficult challenge I've ever heard of.

Thursday

[mggt]

Dear Prodaddy,  No advice just sending prayers and positive thoughts your way 

[lbjnltx]

What consequences come from acting out violently at the RTC?

[Rapt Reader]

ProfDaddy, I'm so sorry that things are so dire with your son... .It takes a lot of strength to deal with what you are having to deal with, and I admire your tenacity. I agree with Thursday that things can get better/calm down as your son matures... .

I'm wondering if the RTC he is living in has ever mentioned your son having Neurofeedback (or Biofeedback) Therapy? Or, has that been tried and found not helpful for him?

Just a thought... .