Waiting for a storm

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I woke up this morning to find 5 missed calls, 6 text messages and 1 email from my uBPDw. Other than random one line emails threatening divorce, which made no sense over the last 2 years of our separation, these were messages saying she missed me and that we should talk.

My life fell apart when I was split. I worked really hard to get our son somewhere safe and he is now living with his biological father. She destroyed all of my belongings, quit her job, quit her grad program and moved across the country. During that time I slept on couches, had to start over from scratch. I have an immigration lawyer, a divorce lawyer and i'm looking for a new job.

I am not going back to her or willing to communicate with her other than to send divorce paperwork- once I handle all the other things that crumbled.

But I'm nervous. I'm afraid that non response will result in a barrage of evil, hateful text messages and emails that will send me into a spiral of sadness and sleepless nights.

[KarenDH]

I woke up this morning to find 5 missed calls, 6 text messages and 1 email from my uBPDw. Other than random one line emails threatening divorce, which made no sense over the last 2 years of our separation, these were messages saying she missed me and that we should talk.

My life fell apart when I was split. I worked really hard to get our son somewhere safe and he is now living with his biological father. She destroyed all of my belongings, quit her job, quit her grad program and moved across the country. During that time I slept on couches, had to start over from scratch. I have an immigration lawyer, a divorce lawyer and i'm looking for a new job.

I am not going back to her or willing to communicate with her other than to send divorce paperwork- once I handle all the other things that crumbled.

But I'm nervous. I'm afraid that non response will result in a barrage of evil, hateful text messages and emails that will send me into a spiral of sadness and sleepless nights.

[Pretty Woman]

Do NOT respond to her.  You are doing great! You are very self-aware in your post. All the crap she put you through, you know what will happen if you try again with her.

You son is safe and in a good place. If you cave, this will happen all over again for all parties. Just remember what you wrote:

My life fell apart when I was split. I worked really hard to get our son somewhere safe and he is now living with his biological father. She destroyed all of my belongings, quit her job, quit her grad program and moved across the country. During that time I slept on couches, had to start over from scratch. I have an immigration lawyer, a divorce lawyer and i'm looking for a new job.

NO GOOD CAN COME OF SPEAKING TO HER.  

Persons with BPD reason like a 3yr old. Do you give in to a 3yo when they are causing a scene? No. Let her rant and rave. When she doesn't get a reaction she will move on to something else. Stay NC, you are doing great. Everything she is doing is for a response, a reaction. Any response is contact.

Youve got this!  

Keep posting!

PW

[KarenDH]

She keeps calling. It's taking all my willpower to not answer her calls.

[Mutt]

Hi KarenDH,

She keeps calling. It's taking all my willpower to not answer her calls.

I'm sorry to hear that. I understand how emotionally distressing this is when our ex partners barrage us with spiteful emails, texts, and calls  It sounds like you are keeping up with not responding to the messages and your ex is likely going through extinction bursts; it's the behavior becoming worst ( burst ) when we stop rewarding the behavior.

Pretty Woman said do not respond to her. I can relate, my ex wife kept trying harder and was sending very angry messages, I didn't reward the behaviors and ignored all of her messages. Eventually the extinction bursts passed.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[Pretty Woman]

Mutt, thank you for bringing up "Extinction Bursts" and providing additional info on them. I forgot the actual term used.

[KarenDH]

I just received a 3min vulnerable sounding voicemail. A romantic email. I'm posting here to keep me sane. It's almost everything I wanted to hear 2 years ago when she spiraled out of control. Almost. 2 years later of being painted black and I've been steadily rebuilding and healing. It's uncanny, I'm going on my first real date this Friday. how does the universe know this?

[Meadowslark]

She's trying everything she can to hook you again. When anger and threats didn't work, now she's trying romanticism and vulnerability. Do not engage! 

Keep us updated. You have a great deal of support here.   

[seang]

I just received a 3min vulnerable sounding voicemail. A romantic email. I'm posting here to keep me sane. It's almost everything I wanted to hear 2 years ago when she spiraled out of control. Almost. 2 years later of being painted black and I've been steadily rebuilding and healing. It's uncanny, I'm going on my first real date this Friday. how does the universe know this?

The universe is testing you bro.  See how far you've come.  See how strong you are.  They do say its all intertwined.  :)ont cave, let it go.  Cant you block the calls so they dont even come through?  Save you a lot of thinking.

You've had 2 years man!  Ive had 2 months of grief and crap, and im starting to wise up to this bull.  Not a critisism, but 2 years you should be avoiding this a little easier, at least in blocking the calls.  Maybe Im wrong... .

They are are not well, they can not sustain a normal r/s, they poison your mind and soul with this craziness.  Thank your stars you have a 2 year cushion.  

DO NOT THROW THAT WAY.

Least you got a date to look fwd too.  Im jealous.

[Mutt]

I just received a 3min vulnerable sounding voicemail. A romantic email. I'm posting here to keep me sane. It's almost everything I wanted to hear 2 years ago when she spiraled out of control. Almost. 2 years later of being painted black and I've been steadily rebuilding and healing. It's uncanny, I'm going on my first real date this Friday. how does the universe know this?

Hi KarenDH,

I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate with being split black for 2 years and how difficult that is when our exe partners can only see either "all good" or "all bad" and can't see us as a cohesive whole with both positive and negative qualities.

I would like to echo Meadowslark and keep posting; lean on the boards for support. It's good to hear that you're connecting with people and going out on a date  

[Pretty Woman]

Keep posting! You are doing great! If you can block her calls for now do it.  :)o it for a few days til she calms down.

She is definitely trying to rope you in. This happened to me twice. I was in my relationship for almost four years... .three months out this week. Just when you are getting better they almost have a psychic "sick" not sixth but "sick" sense and come out to try to get you all over again.

I actually was dating a nice gal and my ex came back. I cheated on this person and went back to my ex. I am NOT that type of person (cheater). I regret it everyday. The person was not "the one", still I went back to worse... .and got dumped on my head all over again.

Time heals old wounds... .

only if you stay away from them and don't go back. Time away from THEM does not heal them. They learn absolutely nothing if they are not in intense treatment.

Keep up the "good fight"... .they are master manipulators and will use any means to get to you. Stay safe and NC!

PW

[KarenDH]

thank you all. I can't block all communications with her because of our son. He is not my biological son but I raised him for 8 years- If something happens while he is with her I would like to know he can use her phone if he forgets to charge his. I have blocked her on all social media, including google chat and linkedin. All that's left is my cell phone and email. I figured I have the most control over our communication with that.

I couldn't sleep last night. Tonight I have friends coming over to keep me from capitulating.

[Mutt]

Hi KarenDH,

This is just an idea and you said that your S may call you on your cell. Do you receive / read most of your messages on your cell?

All that's left is my cell phone and email. I figured I have the most control over our communication with that.

I felt a lot of anxiety when I saw text and email message indicators on my cell. I installed an app to capture her text messages so that I could read them at a later time and I created message rules for her email address to forward them to another folder in my email so they wouldn't show up on my inbox and on my phone. The email messages were all in one folder that way it was also easy to organize for the police and lawyers in case I needed it.

I found it difficult when she was going through extinction bursts and was engaging me throughout the day, my ex didn't call because it was too emotional for her , I tried to go about my day as best as I could while I was grieving and detaching,  I spent a few minutes in the evenings calmly so I could sift through messages and if there was something that required a response about our kids, I replied and I ignored everything else. It was a strategy that helped with getting off the emotional roller-coaster.

[KarenDH]

Taking it one day at a time. I need all of her rants for legal purposes. I record and copy everything and then send them to my lawyer. I basically have phone tree support system I set up. When messages comes in I call someone to come over and then we read/listen together.

I was split so black the last 2 years that she made little or no attempt to contact me. To the point where I felt that maybe or 8 year marriage was a dream.

[greenmonkey]

my thoughts are with you. I was not married to mine and with her for a relatively short amount of time - of which we lived together for a year.

Unbeknown to me at that time, I had already been split black by the time we moved in together. I was discarded, devalued, triangulated with my replacement, split white occasionally, split blacker than black, lied to, cheated on, silent treatment, rages.

After the most horrific year, when she turned into something evil in front of my eyes, I ended it and removed her from my house.

Fast forward one year, I have been very strict no contact, changed my email address, blocked on my phone, LinkedIn, FB on lockdown - I am also waiting for a storm to hit. I live approx 150 odd mile round trip for her to come and see me. She has been desperately trying to connect with me somehow. Her latest ploy was taking out an insurance policy in her name at my address.

I am also ignoring everything, but both me and my daughter know she will blow up sometime soon. The policy she took out was reported to the issuers as fraudulent - I am guessing she won't be too happy about it when she finds out.

She has also put herself on a dating site - so given her state of mind - I wonder what she will do next.

Log everything as you are doing - inform the authorities if needed and most important keep safe