exBPDbf's best friend contacted me and wants to meet

[Depression = 72% of members]

Background: I ended it with my ex BPDbf a year ago. I unraveled his lies and cheating. At final confrontation he revealed he suffered from BPD, unstable and an alcoholic. He contacted me on a dating site 3 months later. We started talking again. I set the boundary that I could only offer him friendship. After almost a year of contact as friends I made the mistake of sleeping with him. He got engulfed and a week later he cut contact and disappeared. He claimed he was getting into counseling. 

A few weeks back my exBPDbf's best friend (I'll call him John) sent me a friend request on FB. I was very suspicious and didn't accept it. John then sent a FB message to me. He said he could understand why I'd be cautious due to exBPDbf. However, he wanted to reach out with the intent of trying to be friends. At first I was "very" guarded. I didn't reveal a lot about myself or exBPDbf. 

This past week John and I chatted on FB Messenger. He made a comment that exBPDbf said I always liked a certain thing. I responded I didn't want to talk about exBPDbf. I also stated "You can't always believe what you hear. I'm sure we can both agree that we have some preconceived misconceptions about one another based upon things we were told by exBPDbf that likely just aren't true." I was surprised when John responded, "I agree completely. ExBPD doesnt want the left hand knowing what the right hand is doing. He hides things, blames others in order to not face up and take responsibly for the things he's done." The FB chat continued... .

At one point John asked me the last time I had seen exBPDbf. I asked why do you want to know? He said he was just curious. I pushed back and said, curious about what? He then revealed that ex BPDbf is involved with another woman and was at the time we were communicating and spending time together. I said "I'm not surprised at all!" He went on to say he was relieved and glad I knew, cause he didnt want me to be hurt. He also said he knows exBPDbf lies to everyone about everything. ExBPDbf told John he had not seen me in over a year. He said he knows exBPDbf is a liar and uses him as a scapegoat. He went on to say very recently ex BPDbf got him into trouble with his own girlfriend.

I ended the FB chat saying that exBPDbf is deeply troubled and has issues. He does what he has to to survive. The lying and cheating are a very painful part of it. John then said he doesn't know why he remains friends with exBPDbf. He also said he'd be interested in meeting in person to catch up and discuss things further. I know John can fill in some of the blanks. Likely a lot! So, on the one hand I think it would be good to meet him. But, on the other hand, I do wonder if meeting John will cause more anger and hurt. Just not sure. Thoughts?

[RedDove]

Background: I ended it with my ex BPDbf a year ago. I unraveled his lies and cheating. At final confrontation he revealed he suffered from BPD, unstable and an alcoholic. He contacted me on a dating site 3 months later. We started talking again. I set the boundary that I could only offer him friendship. After almost a year of contact as friends I made the mistake of sleeping with him. He got engulfed and a week later he cut contact and disappeared. He claimed he was getting into counseling. 

A few weeks back my exBPDbf's best friend (I'll call him John) sent me a friend request on FB. I was very suspicious and didn't accept it. John then sent a FB message to me. He said he could understand why I'd be cautious due to exBPDbf. However, he wanted to reach out with the intent of trying to be friends. At first I was "very" guarded. I didn't reveal a lot about myself or exBPDbf. 

This past week John and I chatted on FB Messenger. He made a comment that exBPDbf said I always liked a certain thing. I responded I didn't want to talk about exBPDbf. I also stated "You can't always believe what you hear. I'm sure we can both agree that we have some preconceived misconceptions about one another based upon things we were told by exBPDbf that likely just aren't true." I was surprised when John responded, "I agree completely. ExBPD doesnt want the left hand knowing what the right hand is doing. He hides things, blames others in order to not face up and take responsibly for the things he's done." The FB chat continued... .

At one point John asked me the last time I had seen exBPDbf. I asked why do you want to know? He said he was just curious. I pushed back and said, curious about what? He then revealed that ex BPDbf is involved with another woman and was at the time we were communicating and spending time together. I said "I'm not surprised at all!" He went on to say he was relieved and glad I knew, cause he didnt want me to be hurt. He also said he knows exBPDbf lies to everyone about everything. ExBPDbf told John he had not seen me in over a year. He said he knows exBPDbf is a liar and uses him as a scapegoat. He went on to say very recently ex BPDbf got him into trouble with his own girlfriend.

I ended the FB chat saying that exBPDbf is deeply troubled and has issues. He does what he has to to survive. The lying and cheating are a very painful part of it. John then said he doesn't know why he remains friends with exBPDbf. He also said he'd be interested in meeting in person to catch up and discuss things further. I know John can fill in some of the blanks. Likely a lot! So, on the one hand I think it would be good to meet him. But, on the other hand, I do wonder if meeting John will cause more anger and hurt. Just not sure. Thoughts?

[valet]

RedDove, it seems like John could be looking for validation from you about his feelings regarding your ex. Or maybe he has some other motivation.

Either way, you have to consider whether or not it would be beneficial for you to see John. To me, it seems risky, mainly because of John's friendship with your ex.

Do you think that John is really the person to fill in those blanks, or might it be more beneficial to you to fill them in on your own?

[apollotech]

I know John can fill in some of the blanks. Likely a lot! So, on the one hand I think it would be good to meet him. But, on the other hand, I do wonder if meeting John will cause more anger and hurt.

Hi RedDove,

I think you're on the right track here. How much of a benefit or detriment is it going to be to you to have those blanks filled in? At what point do you become comfortable with your answers and put the past where it belongs, in the past? Remember, you're spending your future on the past.

As far as the guy: him wanting to personally meet to discuss things sounds like a smokescreen to me. Y'all are not friends, just acquaintances through association. It sounds like he has a personal interest in you; talking about your ex, his friend, is the means to engage you. Of course, this too may just be his way of coming to an understanding of what he has been exposed to, talking with someone that was exposed to the same things/behaviors (one thing that we all do on these boards).

[shatra]

Sounds like a triangle---you, your ex and his friend.

----Despite what he says now, the friend may have the motivation to try to reunite you and your ex

-----Is the friend involved with his own partner?

-----How do you know your ex did not try to get the friend to contact you and engage you (to get info, try to reunite you and your ex)?

[problemsolver]

To be honest I question Johns motives but at the same time , I do believe if you both sat down to discuss all the chaos/drama and what not... It wouldn't hurt to fill in the blanks

[RedDove]

Thank you all for your advice and feedback!   

John and I had several general chit-chat conversations on FB. This was before I made the comment about preconceived misconceptions based upon exBPDbf. Also the last time I saw exBPDbf he said he saw on FB that "I" sent a friend request to John. I responded "I" did NOT friend John, he friended me. ExBPDbf said John was going through a difficult time. John's girlfriend has cancer, which I already knew. He went on to say that John wasn't thinking clearly and was upset! John told me that exBPD bf was "very" worried when he found out we were FB friends and chatting. ExBPDbf tried to discourage John by playing the best friend loyalty card.

John said that it's been really painful to know what's been going on with exBPDbf and to not be able to say a word all of these years to the exBPDbf's women he's met. He also said that the two of us getting together to compare notes and stories is exBPDbf's worst nightmare! I've thought about it and I've decided to meet John to hear what he has to say. It's time to put this demon behind me once and for all.

John actually tried to tell me the truth about exBPDbf in the beginning (5 years ago). John and his girlfriend (at the time) Mary went camping with me and exBPDbf. We all had to much to drink. John blurted out "Oh, yeah, exBPD and "all" his women!" Mary was quick to jump in and cover. Mary & John broke up 2 years ago. She tried to tell me some things back then. BUT, I wasn't ready to hear them because I was still under exBPDbf's love bombing spell! Mary did say that John was always honest, truthful, faithful, and a good guy. We'll see!

[Pretty Woman]

   

I feel like John is looking to get back at your ex by possibly starting something up with you. I'd be cautious here. Two of my exes, exes got together and she came back to cause trouble. She succeeded in breaking them up and hurting one of them in a horribly emotional way.

I would keep John arms length. Just IMO. He is still a connection to your ex and if he is still being friendly with your ex he himself is a snake. Be wary.