Sad, heartbroken, bewildered, not close to how I feel

[portr8gal]

My daughter In Law and I had a very close relationship at first. My son and daughter in law got pregnant first, she had a child by a previous relationship. I was absolutely thrilled to be a grandma, but stressed that they were not married because there were comments that later I realized were more like threats to my son, that our grandson to be, would carry her last name and not my son's. They were married 2 weeks before our Grandson's birth which she pretty much forced herself into labor, while my husband and I were in Hawaii. I know that because she took caster oil and jogged in order to give birth 3 weeks early. I actually fell for her calls to tell on my son and consoled her often. It wasn't until several odd situations, involving fights that were completely violent, but that my son always ended up protecting her, while she told on him. My son was so stressed, went to counseling all the while my DIL continued to wear the halo. It wasn't until my son actually Overdosed. He said he couldn't take the violent outbursts the threats of taking his children away, taking their new home away.(Left filthy, clothing dirty, pet urine ruining the new carpets, I kept my mouth shut, but when babysitting tried to help out.) My son is a very handsome young man, a Christian, will go to counseling though of course not perfect. My DIL is beautiful, has to go out with her girlfriends often, lot's of drinking, must show herself off and her buddies in suggestive clothing, must always be the center of attention, she has no problem taking over any situation and dominates all conversations, she's often drinking and out with other friends often, and is very flirtatious always, very jealous. The biggest event happened when they were arguing, she got a gun and screamed to her sweet 9 year old as she pointed her gun at her head that my son was the reason that she would not have a mommy, then went around the corner and fired the gun... .she told the police, all kinds of things that day. While she was in jail for that situation that my son showed her daughter (whom he adores) pornography. Of course my son was questioned, as he should be, they checked his computer, and quizzed his step daughter and was totally cleared of all accusations. When my DIL got out of jail, she begged him to go back to her and he did. This is after 3 and a half years of one thing after another. I get accused of butting in when she came to our house and told us things, and then she's mad at us for knowing. I've gone to counseling and I keep my mouth shut, I have forgiven, I beg God to help me show grace and extend love and always say yes when asked to babysit. As of now, my DIL has been going fishing and helping a male family member book trips. Unfortunately, one of my other family members didn't like all of the photos on both my DIL's Facebook and on my male family member's page, of all of them drinking and way too many trips with men drinking and more drinking and of her flirting with them. Since our Grandson has been born, we have a new granddaughter. I found out my DIL was pregnant with her on the day that my son found my DIL had been sexting the neighbor and sending photos of her female parts to the neighbor and he in turn sent her his parts to her phone. We had no idea if our little girl was our son's, but he fought for her life because my DIL was threatening my son that if he left her she was going to have an abortion. He went back to my DIL after all kinds of threats which includes taking the kids away from him. Our little sweet granddaughter is my son's, but it wouldn't have mattered, I love all of them, all 3, but whenever anyone in my family does something that she considers offensive, I am blamed. Or if she has a fight with my son, I am blamed, the children are now not allowed to be brought to our home. My son, who knows in his heart the truth, because he has said that he wished he would have married someone exactly like me, which was so sweet, he said he was rebellious. He honors his marriage, we have supported him and he prays for God to change her heart. I keep praying and praying and praying. I keep asking God to keep my heart open and to continue to love the woman who is beautiful, talented and has parts of her that are really sweet. Her parents are gun toting, constant pot smoking, former and current drug abusers and violent towards each other. I try to be kind and loving and careful. Tonight my heart is shattered again, just the thought of not seeing my precious children. Every single holiday including Halloween (not really my kind of holiday everyone has been ruined and we are ultimately excluded. He is my only son. Tonight I hate how my life has gone. I don't know what to do to kill this kind of pain in my heart. I hate to admit my thoughts, just to get out of the pain. So I pray more, confess to those who hold me accountable and ask God to keep love in my heart for my DIL. My family wants to strangle her and I just have to keep telling them that she is sick. My son told me recently that my family continues to make J feel bad (This is after she has pulled a stunt to hurt my son, end up in jail etc... .) that as screwed up as her family is at least they are loyal... .he still loves us, but even though I've done absolutely nothing, the consequences of her behavior has caused a situation that is what she has made it... .not everyone forgives her. I appreciate venting, I vent, I vent, my heart is still broken. Hell on earth in this situation. I'm trying to find a different joy in my life. I'm sure when she needs something she will be back, but my feet are always on a banana peel. I'm so sad  :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi portr8gal

Your Daughter in law's behavior is quite concerning. I am very sorry that you are in this situation. It's clear that this has also really taken it's toll on your son to the point that he even overdosed. I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you as a mother seeing your son hurting so.

Your DIL's behavior with a gun while her daughter was around is very disturbing. Does she still have a gun? Do you believe your son and grandchildren are physically safe around her? To help you assess their safety situation you might find the following document helpful: Safety First

I also think you might find a particular article we have here interesting. It's about fear, obligation and guilt, here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your DIL uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to try and control your son and other people in her life?

You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

This isn't an easy situation to deal with so I am glad you are reaching out for support here.

Take care