Advice on last contact pls

[Lou12]

My last contact with my BPD exbf was a little over 2 weeks ago. I had mentioned from previous posts that the last 6 months especially his BPD triggering caused from me has been going off the charts and I've had numerous splitting episodes then recycles weeks/months later. He blames me for the splitting and partially it is my fault because I was not using SET and becoming emotional myself.

His dilemma is that he wants me out of his life but he absolutely can't get over me. I suppose the obvious push/pull?

Anyways back to my original request for advice. The last message I sent him was saying... .I obviously I can't make you happy and basically I want you to be happy but I can't deal with the Silent treatment. I admit defeat and I'm moving on!

Yep admittedly not the best thing to say to a BPD but I am human and have a limit to.

After sending this message to him his BPD behaviour started triggering and I started getting the silent calls. After a few days of getting the calls I sent him a message and simply said... 'I'm in town, a drink?'

Since then not a single peep, no phone calls or other BPD stuff he does, absolutely nothing!

My question is... did he trigger with the phone calls because he cares and doesn't want me to leave or did he trigger just because he's BPD and really he doesn't care he just cares about the abandonment not necessarily because it's me? And once I'd sent him the text it calmed his abandonment? So basically I'm asking does he still care if he still triggered or would he trigger anyway with a message like that ?

I know it's probably hard to answer but any advice welcome I'm devastated!

[Daniell85]

I don't know what the "right" thing is to do.

I am having the same experience. My boyfriend's behavior is so erratic and crossing so many boundaries, I can't cope, so I get upset (really upset) and things get ugly.

If you want the relationship, then stop saying goodbye.

It would trigger a BPD with abandonment issues.

If I were you, at this point, I would ( and AM) considering my own boundaries, what I can cope with and what I can't cope with. My boyfriend wants me but he has cheated and keeps getting involved with other women in ways that will lead to more cheating. So I can't put myself actively into the relationship.

What is your ex doing that is creating so many problems you are broken up? What exactly happens when he decides you are so terrible? By that I mean, pick an event and tell what happened and maybe people here can walk you through and tell you where maybe next time it happens, you can have a more effective response.

[Lou12]

Hey Daniell85, honestly I'm doing nothing worthy of what he feels. According to him I'm untrustworthy, feisty, crazy, a stalker and I'm sure much more! But honestly I'm non of these things and I know what he really means is 'your getting to close to me and I need to create reasons that I don't need you'.

We are not really breaking up per-see as we've been apart 6 months and every time we discuss seeing each other he completely triggers and silent treatment and triggering begins. Then a couple of weeks pass and the cycle starts again. I think I don't help with the triggers because I try to get him to open up and he doesn't feel safe with me living a distance away.

I'm planning to use SET if a next cycle occurs but after that I honestly think I've exhausted every avenue and I have no option but to realise that he isn't capable of a relationship with anyone who he truly loves.

Sorry to hear your suffering. Thankfully I've never dealt with infidelity although I've had odd suspicions but that must be a tough one to deal with!

X 

[babyducks]

Hi Lou12,

I'm not completely sure I understand your question, or questions.  

I think it would help me to understand if you could provide some additional information.   You mentioned you have had numerous splitting episodes and then recycles, so I am wondering, what has you stuck.

This is a cut and paste right out of Lesson 5 Finding Inner Strength and Hope.

Change isn't easy. The way you feel about your partner  (radical acceptance) - the way you listen to them (empathetic listening) - how you communicate (emotional validation) - and finally, how you respond to them (boundaries and time outs) - all of it needs to change for things to get better.

Our emotional responses are always up to us. We do have choices. We aren't puppets on a string. We can learn to stop following and participating in the dysfunctional dance our partners are trying to lead us on. We can choose to start a new dance, and stick with it, hoping our partners will soon follow us.

It is easy to get stuck at different points along the way. To feel boxed in and trapped. .

Where do you think you are stuck at?

* radical acceptance

* empathetic listening

* emotional validation

* boundaries and time outs

'ducks

[Lou12]

Hi Ducks thanks for the reply.

Suppose I'm just to gage if he will return again based on the fact that I was still triggering his BPD abandonment which may indicate he still cared? Or would his BPD triggers still happen even if he didn't care and had no intention of returning?

Oh and a crystal ball to see the future would be helpful to  

[Notwendy]

Lou,

I understand how it hurts and feels devastating.

What do you mean by silent calls? He calls and hangs up? Calls and doesn't speak, or doesn't call you at all?

Just to be clear, being on the staying board doesn't mean we have power over the other person to stay.  We can work on our own issues to improve the dynamics in our relationships, but we don't have control over the other person's decisions.

We can try to understand their perspectives, and consider how BPD might impact, but we can't predict their behavior or explain it always as related to BPD. People are complicated and may have many reasons why they do what they do.

However, in or out of a relationship- with or without the person we are attached to, we can always work on ourselves- no matter what the outcome. The work is worth it because it helps us to relate better to everyone we are connected to.

The lessons here are helpful for that.

[Lou12]

Hi Notwendy thanks for replying...

Yes I am doing some work on myself, infact the last year alone has been my greatest learning in self discovery.

I am grasping a little every day about myself but the longing for my ex remains painful.

I have totally got to a point now were I understand lots of aspects of how BPD affects a parson and how the only control I have over this relationship is how I manage myself.

The silent calls I am referring to are random calls were he does not speak and just hangs up. I feel on one hand that he must care for me as he would be more indifferent if he didn't care. But another part of me says he doesn't care and he acts out his BPD behaviours because it's just within him to do so and not because it's me but it could be anyone he does it to.

I am just trying to read between the lines if he cares about me and will return!

X

[babyducks]

Hi Lou12,

I don't think we have met before on these boards so let me say hi   properly and check to make sure I understand your story correctly.

you guys have been apart for 6 months in this cycle and you haven't had any contact in the last two weeks?

you are in a long distance relationship?

you want to continue the relationship?

and right now your bf is maintaining his distance?

let me know if I got that right okay?

if he will return again based on the fact that I was still triggering his BPD abandonment which may indicate he still cared?

Or would his BPD triggers still happen even if he didn't care and had no intention of returning?

Oh and a crystal ball to see the future would be helpful to  

I'm also wondering if you can explain a little more about "his BPD triggers"?   That's a pretty broad term.  something like Daniell85 had in mind with this... .

What is your ex doing that is creating so many problems you are broken up? What exactly happens when he decides you are so terrible? By that I mean, pick an event and tell what happened and maybe people here can walk you through and tell you where maybe next time it happens, you can have a more effective response.

and I would like to echo what Notwendy said

We can try to understand their perspectives, and consider how BPD might impact, but we can't predict their behavior or explain it always as related to BPD. People are complicated and may have many reasons why they do what they do.

No one can predict what someone else will or won't do.   We can suggest how to build relationship skills.

What do you think?

'ducks

[Notwendy]

I have no explanation for the silent calls. It is hard to say what someone is thinking if they don't say anything.

A breakup hurts, but there really isn't anything we can say or do to "make" someone come back. It's natural to want to know why. Sometimes that isn't possible. It's hard to decide to move on or not without closure, but sometimes there isn't any closure or understanding why.

It's normal to grieve- and that is OK too. Grief is tough. During this time, it helps to take care of ourselves. You can focus on you, your own self care. If he comes back, or not, you will be in a better place for it. Taking note of the lessons, and working on ourselves can help us gain better relationship skills.

Try to be good to yourself and do things you enjoy.

[shatra]

Lou wrote

His dilemma is that he wants me out of his life but he absolutely can't get over me. I suppose the obvious push/pull?

------What did he say exactly? Did he say he wants you out of his life?

Anyways back to my original request for advice. The last message I sent him was saying... .I obviously I can't make you happy and basically I want you to be happy but I can't deal with the Silent treatment. I admit defeat and I'm moving on!

----Sounds like you want him to be happy with someone else in the future? Telling him you can't make him happy sounds like you are saying goodbye

After sending this message to him his BPD behaviour started triggering and I started getting the silent calls. After a few days of getting the calls I sent him a message and simply said... 'I'm in town, a drink?'

Since then not a single peep, no phone calls or other BPD stuff he does, absolutely nothing!

------Sounds like push-pull... .he pushed you away and when you "called his bluff" and said you can't make him happy,  he got abandonment triggers and trieid to pull you in via contact (silent calls)... .then you "got closer" by responding inviting him for a drink, and he then wanted distance and pushed you away again by not calling even silently... .another pull from him is likely next.

[shatra]

The silent calls may be a way for him to "make contact" but not full contact.

   I wonder if he would be triggered by the abandonment (when you said you can't make him happy and you are moving on) if he didn't care anymore? 

  Just as I wonder if the BPD feels engulfment fears, would they be triggered (i.e.---feeling the partner is spending too much time with them, and the BPD feeling engulfed and wanting to have distance)  if the BPD doesn't care.

  It may be that if they have a strong reaction to either engulfment or abandonment, they still care. Does anyone have experience with this?

[Lou12]

Hi Ducks,

Brief over view of relationship as follows... .

Met 18 months ago , both live a couple of hours apart.

He pursued me heavily for the first 6/7 months. Obsessed with wanting me to tell him I loved him. After 7 months I told him and within days he devalued me based on the fact that he said I was untrustworthy, wanted different things, lived to far apart and numerous other things that he'd never mentioned before and are completely unfounded other than geographical location.

The next 3 months were followed by me counselling him or should I say defending myself on the things he was accusing me off primarily being untrustworthy and feisty (defending myself). Our relationship became a pattern of together/not together but the devaluation period were longer. When I was with him he was obsessed with me but when I'd leave he would start with ignoring me for days at a time then coming back. Lots and lots of covert stalking that i knew was him. False phone calls and text messages. Social media stalking but acted completely indifferent towards me when we would communicate long distance. Basically acted like he could take me or leave me but I knew this wasn't true.

About a year in I had a major fight with him and basically told him, I've had enough it's over. Totally meant it at the time as I was furious with all the game playing.

I always reastablished contact when the calls just kept coming and I knew this meant he was suffering and wanted to hear from me and I wanted him to. I never mentioned that I knew it was him just acted like 'hey how are you' when I contacted him.

The last 6 months we have not seen each other. I reach out to him when I know the times right (I'm split white again) and we arrange to see each other but within a matter of days he's split me black again for no reason. Yes I've probably been emotional but not overly so.

The black splits have now become longer and the white splits shorter. He says he gives me silent treatment again because of how I behave but that is total BS. The last recycle I remained totally calm, never got into anything and was totally nice and relaxed and he still done the same.

So much to add but I'd be here forever.

I would love to be with him and I've told him so. I tell him every recycle I miss him and want to be with him.

So he has not done any of his usual behaviours the last couple of weeks and everything is totally quiet. Now I'm thinking in my head... if all his BPD behaviours are stopping then this must mean he no longer cares and the relationship is really going to come to an end now?

If I contacted him now he would totally totally ignore me. If however the calls, texts started happening then I'd know it was ok to reach out.

I've never tried ignoring him though because I've always wanted to reassure him I was their for him!

Anything else pls let me know and thank you it means a lot to get some outside perspective

X

[Lou12]

Just to add Ducks, his triggers are always based on emotional subjects. Whenever we had a time of being intense he would totally pull away. Not sure if it makes much difference but he did ask my friend what it was I was staying with him for. He thinks I'm way to good for him. I suppose I'm financially better off , and I am not bad looking (blushing saying that but don't want to hold anything back that might be a factor) and more worldly than him in travel, intellect.

[shatra]

He thinks I'm way to good for him. I suppose I'm financially better off , and I am not bad looking (blushing saying that but don't want to hold anything back that might be a factor) and more worldly than him in travel, intellect.

-----Could it be that if he thinks you are too good for him, that he assumes you will therefore reject him and leave him in the future?  Especially after you told him you couldn't make him happy?

----Do you think he reacted strongly to your "abandonment" by saying that, with a strong reaction, because he still cares?  It may be that if they don't care, then perceived abandonment (or engulfment) by the partner wouldn't cause any big reaction in them.  If they react strongly, does it mean they still care?

[lovers knot]

Lou! My friend! I just read through this thread, and of course I'm sorry that you are going through with this, but you got some great conversation going, and wonderful advice and questions awaiting you.

I hope you are well, and I just wanted to chime-in and say that I hope that you keep us updated on the goings-on with your situation. We all care, greatly!

[babyducks]

Hi Lou,

Thanks for taking the time to type all that out.  I have a better idea of what you are asking now.

Before we dive much deeper I want to point out a housekeeping note.   I notice you post a lot on the undecided board.   That's good.   I do want to explain that the Staying Board has a different focus.   Staying focus on us and our behavior.   Upstream I threw in a cut and paste that talks about us changing.   On Staying we talk about how to stop our participation in the dysfunctional dance by looking at our behavior and sometimes that isn't comfortable.   It's not criticism and no one is judging.   It's just things to consider.   Ok?

Notwendy is right.  There is no way to explain the silent calls.   Heck in the days when everyone carries their cell phone in their back pocket he might be butt dialing you because he got a new phone and can't figure out how to work it.

You've expressed how you feel to him and are getting essentially no response.   Notwendy had some good thoughts there too.   Getting closure might not happen.

This is were we get to focus on you.    

What the senior members advise when a relationship is on hiatus is that you take this time to focus on you.  To work on self care and self care skills (healthy boundaries, radical acceptance, co dependent issues, etc... ),  it is a good time to learn better communication skills.

I've never tried ignoring him though because I've always wanted to reassure him I was their for him!

Usually the best approach is the most honest and simple.  I can't recommend reaching someone by managing the symptoms of his illness.   that doesn't seem fair.

From my view you are at radical acceptance.  do you agree?   you've reached this point after your best efforts.   and like the quote says upstream.  We can choose to start a new dance, and stick with it, hoping our partners will soon follow us.   How would that look for you?

'ducks

[Lou12]

Hey loversknot thanks for the message and I hope your well to x

Yes Ducks I'd say radical acceptance. I understand most of his behaviours I just get a little confused with the stalking and then when I reach out I get ignored most of the time. I suppose it's just baiting me to see if I haven't abandoned him? It's the only explanation that seems plausible!

X