She has accepted I will move on... but she has one request

[iwantnormal]

its been just over a year now. it has been intense to say the very least. now i'm ready (i think) to leave her. i've said and done this before, but something always pulled me back. but now i'm serious.

here's the thing. she wants me to accept, that she will always love me no matter what. that she is going to remain single forever. She is not gonna let anyone get close to her. she wants me to TRUST her in these things. that's her final request.

i don't trust her at all. in fact, i've come to know that she just started chatting with someone recently. following the same pattern as me. she doesn't know that i know this. do i just tell her, "ok, i trust you... .now i'm gonna go on my way". by doing that, i'm lying to myself, and to her.

i feel like telling her straight up "listen, i don't trust you... .and that's why i'm ending this... .and we can't be friends either, because friendship is also based on trust... .and i don't trust you". I'm being honest with the situation. Is this my ego getting in the way here? The truth is, I don't trust her, and it's been proven.

What kind of person would accept those words from her... .that she will love me till the day she dies? Need advice on how to proceed with this situation.

[LonelyChild]

Don't comment on whether you trust her or not. Just tell her that it's her choice to remain single or not and that you accept either, and that you're set on moving forward. What happens after in her life is up to her, and in your life; up to you.

[gameover]

Don't comment on whether you trust her or not. Just tell her that it's her choice to remain single or not and that you accept either, and that you're set on moving forward. What happens after in her life is up to her, and in your life; up to you.

I was about to write something, but Lonely says it perfectly.  That kind of statement is pretty blatant manipulation--don't engage it emotionally or logically.  Let it stand and reinforce your boundaries.

[Wall bike]

Good advice.  Finding the right language is draining.

[Invictus01]

Like others said, it is her choice what she wants to do with her life. Remain single, love you forever, whatever. It is aaaaaallllll her choice that you have absolutely no effect on. She can do whatever she wants.

[LonelyChild]

Good advice.  Finding the right language is draining.

This reminds me of when my uBPDxgf used to ask me questions. Could be anything. It was always draining to find a good answer. No matter what I said, she came up with a way to misinterpret it and use it as an excuse to create an evening of chaos. Yes, finding good answers to their questions IS draining. I'm thankful I'm now moving away from my uBPDxgf. I hope she gets help in life.

[michel71]

Oh humor her that you will trust her and then cut all ties.

[Beach_Babe]

Oh humor her that you will trust her and then cut all ties.

 

[Mutt]

Hi iwantnormal,

What does that mean she's following the same pattern as you?

[iwantnormal]

Hi iwantnormal,

What does that mean she's following the same pattern as you?

i was talking about the new guy she's been talking to. i found out. the guy is very sad, and not happy in his life. i saw her texts to him, that's when it hit me. it was as if she was talking to ME one year ago. the same theme. she says she's unhappy with her life. then he confides in her. but then she tells him he deserves to be happy... .i was in a state of horror, because this guy has no idea what he's getting into... .i've been down that exact path. he's complimenting her too... .and she's being coy... .[I wonder, is this subconscious by her? this flirting i mean]

looking back, the one thing i do miss is the physical sex. i made a mistake by letting her know this, it made her more sexual, and it has this lasting impression on me. i don't know if a non-BPD is capable of being that good sexually. but of course, the psychological torment and pain is not worth it. i miss the sex, she knew how to please me. don't know why i'm bringing this up.

as an update. she's not responding to my texts. in the 1 year we've been together, she's never done this. she's finally understanding that its over. i guess now i need to heal, and find myself. i'm already feeling sad.

[Mutt]

Hi iwantnormal,

This is your thread and you can talk about whatever you wish, this is a place without judgment.

Did you feel unhappy and sad with your life a year ago?

[Duder]

My ex said the same things to me,that she would always love me,and that she would remain single. Now she has found the love of her life, and is going to get engaged. She's known the guy for 3 months. Don't let her manipulate you with these words.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife said the same. She could never be with anyone else if we ever split up. Didn't last long and now she is re married.

At the time of saying it maybe she truly believed it but I think it was most probably to try and reassure me that there was no one else when there was.

It could also have been projection. Her projecting that she didn't want me to meet anyone else and to always love her.

In the end whether you give her this or not she will do what she wants to do and theres nothing you can do to change that.

Like with all things that you cannot change you can either waste your time worrying about it or accept it for what it is and save yourself the grief.

[ScorpioLaw]

 Yeah stand up for your boundaries by lying to yourself and her!

That's a very good way to do exactly opposite that. Unless of course you're a liar deep down: if you are? Then that would make sense.

No, just tell her everything you just said. I don't believe in lying, personally, and I think doing anything else is a form of manipulating.

I have an INFP personality so I know what the middle ground is. I know that's what you guys are trying to take, but either way it's not going to help long term so why lower yourself?

Just tell her exactly what you said because there are few sentences that are as honest as that. You don't trust her, you never will, and any logical person wouldn't: so why are you giving her a lie that she can feed off of and back fire On you?

It's going to come back and bite you.

You can say the truth and detach. You can do a lot of things that involve the truth without becoming emotionally intertwined.

It seems everyone here wants everyone to stoop down to the BPDs level in a way and that's exactly what you shouldn't be doing.

[Invictus01]

Yeah stand up for your boundaries by lying to yourself and her!

That's a very good way to do exactly opposite that. Unless of course you're a liar deep down: if you are? Then that would make sense.

No, just tell her everything you just said. I don't believe in lying, personally, and I think doing anything else is a form of manipulating.

I have an INFP personality so I know what the middle ground is. I know that's what you guys are trying to take, but either way it's not going to help long term so why lower yourself?

Just tell her exactly what you said because there are few sentences that are as honest as that. You don't trust her, you never will, and any logical person wouldn't: so why are you giving her a lie that she can feed off of and back fire On you?

It's going to come back and bite you.

You can say the truth and detach. You can do a lot of things that involve the truth without becoming emotionally intertwined.

It seems everyone here wants everyone to stoop down to the BPDs level in a way and that's exactly what you shouldn't be doing.

It really doesn't matter what you say here. Honest or not, it will be twisted into something she wants hear. The way I see it - if it's not worth your time explaining yourself, why bother?

[iwantnormal]

Hi iwantnormal,

This is your thread and you can talk about whatever you wish, this is a place without judgment.

Did you feel unhappy and sad with your life a year ago?

I appreciate this.

Unhappy and Sad? 1 year ago, just before meeting her, I was at my lowest point. Of course, nobody knew this. On the outside I portrayed a happy and content person. I wasn't at all. I confided everything in her. She lifted me up, elevated me beyond what I could ever imagine. Our relationship in the beginning didn't start well. She was with a guy she should never have been with. But what happened? I'm also a guy she should have never been with... .but I couldn't resist... .and now that she was with me (I think more accurately, 'now that i was with her', my life felt complete... .but that high was never ever worth the internal torment that was to follow... .How could I have been so blind?

The impact is so powerful, that even when I know I should move on, and live my own life... .I still have that itch to go back. I'm like a drug addict, and she's my high.  I know she is dysfunctional, but I still (even right now as I write this), have some hope that I'll be able to connect with her, and that all the things she said were true. I don't doubt for a fact that she did have intense feelings for me... .but having intense feelings for someone, and loving them are two different things. It was always her need to be loved, and I'll never know if she really loved me. The truth is, I don't think its possible to love someone when you can't love yourself.

The guy she was with before me, and the situation I was in. It hit my ego. I put her on a pedestal, I gave her my time. I tried to rescue her from her problems (there were a lot of problems). She was there for me too. I felt locked and connected to her. It's like a drug addicts first high. You want to keep coming back for more and more of the drug. And she was that drug. In the beginning, I'll tell her, "I'm not use to all this"... .I felt uncomfortable with the way she was praising me. She started filling this void in me, and just like a drug addict, I needed her attention. She would make comments by telling me "that this is nothing, I could do so much more for you"... .I'll never forget that text. And then came the stab... .when I found out about her friend she was with, she was secretive at first, but when things blew up, I realized that she had someone, and that's when my ego took that hit. I wanted to 'win' her from this guy. Jealousy kicked in. And then I started to think, why does she even like this person? She described him to me, as if he was the one. It made me jealous. She knew this. Looking back, I should have walked away from this mess. And God knows I tried to. But she reeled me back in. She didn't want to lose me as a friend. Later, it became obvious... .she only wanted to keep me around as an option. By the way, while she was with this friend, me and her crossed a lot of boundaries over text. Whatever the case, these 2-3 months, emotions were high.

After everything we shared, and the closeness I felt, she chose to stay with him. I accepted that I wanted nothing to do with this. But now her situation with her friend was going south... .she waited for her friend to fix things, she told me she'll wait it out... .and she'll do whatever he decides, as she respects him. After showing me so much time, and sharing so much with her, she then proceeded to tell me (after knowing how I felt about her), that this guy is her soulmate. I found out that he has a terminal illness, and she told me when he dies, she'll continue to pursue her goals, because they agreed, the day she stopped painting, is the day their relationship is over, even in his death. It made me sick to my stomach that he told her this. I tried to tell her, that he has no right to tell you this. It's childish and manipulative of him. But it was no use, according to her, they were soulmates.  I did not want to get into the way of this. I felt sorry for her, because she was throwing her life away. At this time, I wasn't even thinking about myself (or maybe I was, I honestly don't know... .maybe I wanted to be him). But I felt sad that this is what her life had become.

One thing that I don't know for myself. I knew this guy wasn't good for her. But did I tell her this, because I wanted to be on the receiving end of her devotional love? Or did I really care about her, and know that she should be with someone else? After everything I've been through this one year, this question still remains. And I don't know the answer. I think she knocked down my ego, and I tried to gain it back by telling her she is messing up. But it was like talking to a wall. I even told her this, my words are not sinking into you. And the strange thing is, it took me one year to realize, that her mind is like a wall. She only hears what she wants to hear. During this beginning stage, I did not know this. 

I wanted nothing to do with this.

I backed out completely. I wished her luck. My ego took a big hit, but I accepted it.

After a few weeks, I guess she sense her situation with the friend wasn't going well... .I started getting more and more phone calls from her. Then, I remember the DAY our relationship escalated straight into gear 6. Before knowing about her friend, I was already 'hooked' to this drug. And now, I'm slowly going through the withdrawal. But before I get over it... .She literally opens the floodgates on that Day. And everything became intense. And once you taste a little of the drug, you want to go back... .but like I said, the high's in this relationship was never worth the price of the lows. Never. Not in a million years. but once those floodgates opened, I did not hold back. I lost myself. That was the beginning for me. I only wish someone shook me by the shoulders, and woke me up.

To answer your question. Yes, I was sad. And it's an important question, because if I wasn't sad... .if I was truly content, then I wouldn't have a void inside me. And without a void, I wouldn't have been dependent on another person to fill that void. But it was there, and so was she. I've learned more about myself this past 1 year than I have my entire life.

It's ironic, because towards the end I told her, "It's because of you I am more aware of myself. I'm stronger, and I feel I can't be messed with now"... .I said this to genuinely thank her for making me this way. The flip side, she never praised this change. In fact, she was condescending more than anything else. She would do whatever it took to knock me back down, so that like a drug addict, I become dependent on her. And that's exactly what has happened. I think its been 5 or 6 times where I've told her I need space, and I want to move on. But like that drug addict, I kept going back. Now she knows I'm going to try again. She is doing her best to keep me locked. But I'm being more direct, at the same time, learning to be compassionate for myself and for her.

[gameover]

Hey iwantnormal,

Man, I just have to say this is one of the most lucid and balanced personal accounts of anyone I've read on these boards--you're in pretty good shape, in that you recognize why you got involved and you are aware of your conflicted thinking and cognitive dissonance regarding your ex.

The arc of your story is a lot like mine--when I met my BPDexgf I was at a low point.  She built me up--but the stronger and more confident and independently happy I got, the more vulnerable she became.  By the time she pulled the rug out from under me (like you) I was already standing on my own two feet.  And despite how much I wanted to, after some of the things that transpired post b/u I knew I could never go back.  Sounds like that's about where you are.

Deep down you know what you need to do.  Trust me, it sucks.  But trust yourself.  It'll require a couple months (maybe more) of COMMITTED conscious thought.  It's insane how easy it is to get sucked right back in the minute you let your subconscious take over--I'm still living with my BPDexgf and it's very, very easy to forget.  But it's definitely doable and it does get easier.

To answer your question. Yes, I was sad. And it's an important question, because if I wasn't sad... .if I was truly content, then I wouldn't have a void inside me. And without a void, I wouldn't have been dependent on another person to fill that void. But it was there, and so was she. I've learned more about myself this past 1 year than I have my entire life.

It's ironic, because towards the end I told her, "It's because of you I am more aware of myself. I'm stronger, and I feel I can't be messed with now"... .I said this to genuinely thank her for making me this way. The flip side, she never praised this change.

This is awesome.  I can honestly say that my relationship with my BPDexgf was the single best thing to ever happen to me.  I'm a more complete person than I was before I met her--I'm more connected with my purpose in life.  Once you start recognizing your deficiencies and working on them you'll be able to provide yourself all of the things your partner once did.  Own responsibility and you don't have to be bitter toward your ex (it sounds like you're in a pretty healthy place).  But don't forget the reality of the situation.  

[Auslaunder]

Hi Iwantnormal,

BPD don't actively manipulate unless they have another personality disorder as well. Their behavior appears manipulative. Since you are setting boundaries, the best thing is often to say nothing. Saying anything will get a response and continue the drama and it's time for you to focus on yourself. That's my advice to you.

When I divorced my ex husband I told him that I loved him and because I love him I want him to be happy and I want him to find someone else. He was floored. He married three months after our divorce. It hurt. It made me feel very disposable. I think it's ok if you validate your ex girlfriends feelings that she feels like she can never date again. She does actually feel that way. And tell her you hope she finds someone to make her happy. It's takes a lot of detachment to do this though but it might be healthy to take the high road.

[iwantnormal]

It's now done. I have had my final chat with her (over Skype).

I've been here before. I've done this, but then I've gone back. But this time, I'm done. Something just feels different this time around. I will not deny it, there is something that wants to pull me back to her. But I now realize that it's NOT her whom I want to be pulled towards. It's infact, my ideal self which I want back, which she helped create in my mind.

This has been the fastest 1 year of my life. Time has just flown by. Really don't know what to think.

[iwantnormal]

It's now been 2 days since NC. For any other person, this is no big deal. But with her, it's something. Just shows how much things escalated between us.

I just want to say, she hasn't been diagnosed with BPD. But I strongly strongly suspect it. It's not nice to say, but the only way to make sense of this, is that I wanted to have a balanced healthy relationship with someone who was anything but balanced and healthy. And that's why things never felt right. Even if I wanted to remain as friends, it could never work. That's another thing, after going through so many high's and low's, how is it possible to remain friends? I was never ok with that, but she was. To me, the saddest part is that this past year didn't mean much to her. She said I had a positive impact on her life, and that she has learned a lot of good things. But I know she is the same fragile person.

But I can't put the blame on her completely. I'm at fault for my actions.

I still have this itch that I want to talk to her, find out how she is doing. What she is doing. Because underneath it all, she is also a person. And I don't doubt for a second that she has some kind of feelings for me. Yes, I have experienced her go from white to black in an instant. At one point, I felt like a punching bag. But I also felt that I deserved it. I hope one day this all makes sense.

Sorry, I guess I just need to write this out for myself. I know one thing, the reason I was attached to her, was because she represented everything I ever wanted. But the reality is a lot different. She became and molded into what I wanted. She honestly created an ideal person for me.

In the beginning, I knew something was off. It couldn't have been that perfect, right? It wasn't. Wish I had been more conscious of this.

But one thing I felt, her emotions had to be real. When she was happy and smiling, she was happy in that moment. When she was sad and crying, she was sad. Whether she has BPD or not, it's still a person I'm talking about her. And someone that I care about, but not to the point where I sacrifice my own well being.

[iwantnormal]

I have to admit something here.

I have decided not to contact her. I have told her to not contact me either. During our time together, I tried to teach her about boundaries. And that even in the most passionate relationships, boundaries must exist.

Most of all, I tried to teach her about self respect. For herself AND for others. I wanted to respect her, but it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves (or doesn't show respect towards themselves). It's very difficult. In our relationship, it was the most difficult thing for me. Here's the first difficult thing for me to admit, and I know this is ego: I didn't want to respect her highly, while others, including her ex's, continued to treat her like ___. It's so hard to admit this. But it's the truth. If I didn't have any emotional feelings towards her, then respecting her this way would be no problem. But because I'm invested, I can't stand the thought of others treating her like crap, while I kept staying naive about the situation. So hard to admit this. And I'm aware, this is not her problem, it's mine.

I was reading the 6 pillars of self esteem with her. I told her directly, when two people are together, they will STAY together. The only reason one would leave, is when they are treated less than what they will tolerate. From the get go, her tolerance level was very very very low. From the get go, my tolerance level was very low. But I feel she could adapt at an instant. She could choose to tolerate different things from different people. It's sad, because I don't know who she is.

Here is the sad part. I will not text her. If I do get an urge to do so, I'll write about it here first, and find out why I want to text her. But here is the pathetic part. I am silently hoping that I receive a text from her. It will just make it easier, because it will let me know that even though there was no future between us, that she did value this one year I gave to her.

[scgator]

I have to admit something here.

I have decided not to contact her. I have told her to not contact me either. During our time together, I tried to teach her about boundaries. And that even in the most passionate relationships, boundaries must exist.

Most of all, I tried to teach her about self respect. For herself AND for others. I wanted to respect her, but it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to respect someone who doesn't respect themselves (or doesn't show respect towards themselves). It's very difficult. In our relationship, it was the most difficult thing for me. Here's the first difficult thing for me to admit, and I know this is ego: I didn't want to respect her highly, while others, including her ex's, continued to treat her like. It's so hard to admit this. But it's the truth. If I didn't have any emotional feelings towards her, then respecting her this way would be no problem. But because I'm invested, I can't stand the thought of others treating her like crap, while I kept staying naive about the situation. So hard to admit this. And I'm aware, this is not her problem, it's mine.

I was reading the 6 pillars of self esteem with her. I told her directly, when two people are together, they will STAY together. The only reason one would leave, is when they are treated less than what they will tolerate. From the get go, her tolerance level was very very very low. From the get go, my tolerance level was very low. But I feel she could adapt at an instant. She could choose to tolerate different things from different people. It's sad, because I don't know who she is.

Here is the sad part. I will not text her. If I do get an urge to do so, I'll write about it here first, and find out why I want to text her. But here is the pathetic part. I am silently hoping that I receive a text from her. It will just make it easier, because it will let me know that even though there was no future between us, that she did value this one year I gave to her.

Iwantnormal, sorry you're going through this. I could have typed almost all of your story myself. Missing the sex, the love, the fake rs, how she seemed to be the perfect woman for me. I thought I'd found my soul mate. It was pretty amazing in the beginning and I ignored many red flags. Then blamed myself for ignoring them when the rs came crashing down. She told me at the end that she would love me forever and wouldn't be moving on any time soon. Too bad I believe she already had and then projected it all onto me. I dealt with a lot of cruelty, lies, accusations, and ultimately blame for everything - for making her life so horrible, for "doing this to her." She called my place of employment and accused a girl there of sleeping with me, then told her she was afraid for herself and her child. Then she accused me of sleeping with one of her best friends and lost that friend as a result of her accusations but still couldn't or wouldn't see that she has the issue. Needless to say, it all put me very very low. I still struggle with the ruminating but I ignore it as much as possible. I let it pass without doing anything. I get tempted to reach out but come here, I get tempted to check up on her fb page but stop myself, I sometimes wish she'd be waiting at my place when I get home or come by unannounced or just have her send me a text. Like you say, something to show that she did value the time we were together. I really believe she felt very intensely for me. Was it love? I don't know, it sure felt that way at times and the good times sure were great. It's the bad times, the undermining of the rs, undermining my self-confidence and my self-esteem, and the outright sabotage that keeps me away. She knows what she's done. There have been moments of clarity where she is so vulnerable it pulls on my heartstrings, but hard as it was, I didn't get sucked back in. Those moments are too transitory, they don't stick with her and later she acts like she's forgotten them. The night I moved my stuff out of her house she told me that she didn't want me to go but understood that she really had left me no choice. Within 2 weeks she said she doesn't know why I left her. Either she doesn't recall the moment of clarity, can't face the guilt and shame, or just said that to put the blame back on me. Just one more thing I will never know the true answer to.

After I realized I had become a trigger, I told her that I couldn't watch her go through this and I wouldn't go through it myself, that I love her but I love myself too and love her enough to walk away. It's been hard but coming here, reading such eerily similar accounts and knowing I'm not alone have helped a lot. I also believe life has led me here for a reason and if that reason is self-discovery and leads to a whole new outlook on life (my goal) then in the end it will have been worth it for ME. I hope I had some kind of impact on her life too but that's up to her.

Hang in there and remember there are some great people on here more than willing to help you get through this.