Happy endings

[jq46810]

Ok I'm going to break the cardinal rule

I used to be the eternal optimist before the rwBPDex.

Has anyone ever recovered from a massive break up event with the BPD, and then gone on to get back together an get things back to a reasonable level.

I understand that this is a life long condition but can they come back from that place of rage and insanity back into that loving relationship.

Any feedback guys

[Lifewriter16]

Why don't you look at Waverider's posts? He married his girlfriend earlier this year (yes, deliberately and in full knowledge). He clearly got to the point when he felt his relationship was workable enough. I have also heard of the odd couple for whom BPD ceased to be an issue - but we're talking lots of therapy on both parts to get there. We're also talking of a tiny minority. The thing to ask yourself, in my opinion is: how insecure are you? The more insecure you are, the more effort it's going to take on your part because you'll get triggered big-time in the process and that's a very painful thing.

Love

Lifewriter

[jq46810]

Triggered, how so.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Sir, anything is possible,  I did create a second moment with my ex,  I was balanced, and had 400k in savings.  My ex moved in, we got her off drugs, took care of her, legal issues, and kept her out of jail and helped her get a job.   I wanted to marry her.  I am now 40k in debt, and find it very hard not to hate myself for loving her.    I have a new partner in my life.  If I would have not met my ex, me and this new partner would be growing the love she has for me.  We would have everything an ideal couple would need.  Yet my new parter now has to deal with me healing, learning to love again and getting my finances in order.  I'm sorry.  I just know I did love my ex,  its just love doesn't fix life problems.  I hope you get what you need and want.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi jq46810,

Triggered, how so.

By triggered, I mean where something your BPD partner says or does intensifies a feeling that you already have about yourself and brings it to the surface like an open wound. For instance, if you doubt whether you are lovable or feel inadequate sexually or doubt your attractiveness or blame yourself for things that are not your fault, the likelihood is that you will feel much, much worse about those things whilst with someone who has BPD.

People with BPD are very good at spotting our weak points because what they want most of all from us is a reaction, either good or bad (depending on whether they need to justify pulling away from us, want to divert themselves from their own pain or want to prevent us from pulling away from them).

People with BPD are not very good at supporting others through insecurity because they have little empathy. They probably don't even realise that support is needed. In fact, they tend to intensify insecurity because of their need to blame someone other than themselves for the problems they face.

Personally, I have realised that I am far too insecure to cope with being in a BPD relationship. I have broken up with my BPDxbf 7 times over the period of a year, and each time the breaks became longer, the arguments became more frequent and the times together shorter. But, plenty of people do continue and through learning skills and getting therapy, find a way to relative peace. Even so, I believe many of those people still feel like they are primarily carers for their partners rather than feeling that they are in reciprocal, loving relationships.

Love Lifewriter

[LonelyChild]

Why don't you look at Waverider's posts? He married his girlfriend earlier this year (yes, deliberately and in full knowledge). He clearly got to the point when he felt his relationship was workable enough. I have also heard of the odd couple for whom BPD ceased to be an issue - but we're talking lots of therapy on both parts to get there. We're also talking of a tiny minority. The thing to ask yourself, in my opinion is: how insecure are you? The more insecure you are, the more effort it's going to take on your part because you'll get triggered big-time in the process and that's a very painful thing.

Love

Lifewriter

I think this post is bordering on dangerous advice. You're making it sound like - if you feel secure enough, a r/s with a pwBPD can work out. The equation is - probably as you already know though expressed poorly - nowhere near that simple.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to detach and heal. Yes, there are a FEW examples of relationships working out. However, we should also note that most of them are pathological (they stay together due to fear of abandonment from both sides), and also question the level of reciprocity in these relationships, which I bet is close to non-existent. A mutual, loving relationship with mutual respect, both sides supporting each other, etc, is PER DEFINITION not possible with a pwBPD. Otherwise it's not pwBPD, which is - among other factors - characterized as neediness, emotional instability, selfishness, manipulation, etc. You will NEVER be able to find reciprocity in this, and whoever claims otherwise is outright lying - knowingly or not.

Detaching and working on yourself is the absolute best thing you can do if you want to grow as a person and find someone matching your level of competence in important areas.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi LonelyChild,

Yes, I wasn't intending to say that if you feel secure a relationship with someone with BPD can work out, I was trying to say that if you feel insecure, it's likely to be the most painful thing you've ever gone through. I can't comment upon how it is for people who are secure because that's not my experience. However, clearly some people do find ways of working towards healing together and it is this healing that makes the relationship tenable. Thus what I am really saying is these relationships work once the BPD has been dealt with. My apologies if that wasn't clear.

Love Lifewriter

[pallavirajsinghani]

I think it would help you answer your question better if you read all the continuing threads on the "Staying" board.  Also, please read the thread of "Steph" her relationship with her BPD husband has a "happy ending".

Do understand that BPD as an illness cannot be "cured" it can be managed, but not "cured"... .and love cannot cure mental illness.

It is not a matter of strength or weakness on your part.  Surely, when we use these terms, your answer will be,  "I am strong enough to handle it."  The issue is whether you want to walk that path or not.  Morality and altruism dictates that we love and accept.  Of course, we love, respect and accept all people... .but morality and altruism DOES NOT dictate that we develop mistaken beliefs and overstated personal abilities.

The second step to this thought process is,  ":)o you want children?"

If yes, please read the threads on the Parent/children board.

We (the board members) are not trying to scare you out of this relationship.  We are very respectful of each other's emotions.  What we are trying to tell you is to investigate further, to understand this disorder, to understand yourself.  With such understanding, you will finally begin to understand the tools that you need to "handle" such a relationship.

Just as a soldier does not go to battle without an armor and a scuba diver does not dive without an oxygen tank or a parachutist does not jump out of the plane without a parachute... .our advise for you is to prepare yourself well.  We do not advise to stay nor do we advise you to leave.  We advise you to be well-prepared either way.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Ok I'm going to break the cardinal rule

I used to be the eternal optimist before the rwBPDex.

Has anyone ever recovered from a massive break up event with the BPD, and then gone on to get back together an get things back to a reasonable level.

I understand that this is a life long condition but can they come back from that place of rage and insanity back into that loving relationship.

Any feedback guys

I think everyone in this thread has made some very valid points.  I hear more often than not the failings of a relationship with BPD.  However if you choose to go against the grain... .more power to you.  No one can tell you what to do, only you are in control of that. 

I feel like lifewriter really hit the nail on the head.  Basically you have to take a look at yourself and see what you need out of the relationship.  If you need constant reassurance, if you feeling secure is paramount in your relationship (as its one of the necessities for me) having a relationship with someone w/ BPD is tricky.  You really have to have a strong sense of self and be emotionally strong.


At the demise of my break up I thought this was me.  I thought I had enough love for the both of us.  I thought that I cared so deeply I could just make her see that she would have a support system and we would get a grip on this illness together.

That is the exact line of thinking that got me into this mess in the first place.  I can't fix her.  Love has nothing to do with BPD.  For us to be in these relationships in the first place we have some emotional healing/strengthening that needs to be done.  If you don't recognize this point then you will get steam rolled everytime.  You have to master setting boundaries and enforcing them even when someone with BPD tries to push you to the limits.  I was terrible at this.  Her smile and a bat of the eyes I would end up caving and giving in to her demands.

[antelope]

that loving relationship.

define this