Intro. Don't even know where to start

[cold_and_broken]

I'm still not sure if I'm the one that is crazy.  I've been married to my wife for 8 years now and we have a son who's almost two.  I think my wife has some of the traits of BPD, maybe other issues as well.  All I know for sure is that I'm completely broken.  I can't live like this anymore.  I can never discuss how I'm feeling without anything I'm unhappy about somehow becoming my fault.  I can't complain about anything.  I can't point out that she'll spend several hours working on some upcoming event but that she won't even spend a few minutes of time with me.  She is a stay at home mom and I know women who would absolutely kill for that opportunity but nothing I do is ever enough.  She's always the victim.  Everything is always so hard for her.  It has to be her way. 

We've been to counseling; there were a couple of sessions together but she essentially wanted the therapist to fix me so that I'm not unhappy anymore because she thinks that everything is fine.  She's glued to our son 24x7 since they cosleep which I started out thinking was a great idea and that it would just be for a few months, but it's continued.  We had supposedly agreed to a lot of things that she's arbitrarily decided either never happened or just need to be a different way.  My opinion doesn't matter.  Intimacy doesn't exist and hasn't for a long time.  I expected that for a while after our son was born but not for 2 years.  We have some friends who recently left their child overnight at the grandparents' house while they went on a romantic weekend trip somewhere; I can only dream of such things and to even suggest it to my wife is to invite Armageddon that will end when somehow it's become my fault and I'm selfish and I'm greedy and can't I understand how she feels and now watch the kid while she goes and spends two hours cooking something that I can do in 15 minutes while holding our son.  I don't even know how many hours she has spent planning our son's birthday party and she's constantly telling me about the status of the invitations and who's viewed the ___ing evite and who's coming and who isn't and what should we serve and what should we do while I'm just sitting there wishing that she'd put even 1% of her time and effort into our relationship that she is into this party.   

I can't keep doing this.  All I wanted was for my son to have what I never did, which was both parents around all the time.  I can't stay in this relationship though.  I don't know how to end things, but I can't keep going on like this.  I feel like at this point my wife and I are like two roommates that trade our son back and forth while we go about our lives.  Things are peaceful that way at least, but this can't last.  I don't care what it ends up costing me because there's nothing left that can hurt me; I'm already too broken for it to matter.  I'll recover someday.  I'll still be there for my son for whatever he needs, no matter what.  I just want to be happy again.  Every day it's harder to come home from work and I dread the weekends.  I don't know how to end this relationship though. 

This probably seems like a bunch of incoherent ramblings.  Normally I go back over forum posts and edit things, try to keep things coherent, try to even make sense.  I know that if I even hit "preview" right now instead of post that I'll just close the browser window instead.  I can't do that this time.  This has to be said.  I need help getting out of this situation.  Please.

[UndauntedDad]

Cold-and-Broken,

Wow, I'm really glad you posted. Welcome. I'm really sorry to hear it is so bad.  Coming here, reading, posting your story is a positive step.  Even just reading your story helped me at least. It brought me back to those years when my son (now 8) was a toddler, and when my wife (who now works) was staying at home with him all the time, sacrificing everything, especially me, to try to make his baby/toddlerhood perfect.

It was an impossible goal, but if I pointed that out, the rages and accusations started, and then it was my fault for ruining the day/weekend/vacation.  I'm not saying that I've been through exactly you're situation, but its familiar, and I can say that I've read many other familiar stories here, and reading them was helpful and reassuring.  There are patterns.  You're not crazy.

It was even more helpful to read the wealth of material on the home page here, and read through the workshops.  There are some hard lessons but also, some very practical and effective tools.  For me, the SET communication, learning about push-pull / fear of abandonment, and for my situation, learning about my wife's need for control made it easier to communicate and live in the same house. 

My situation is far from perfect but better now than it was.  Mine got worse first.  but far and away, the most helpful thing for me was to start working on myself, setting boundaries, learning to value myself, learning effective strategies for dealing with my wife's distress.

You are a good dad. You've been trying your best.  You might be right that you can't keep doing this... .if so, congratulations, you realized that years earlier than I did!  But you might be able to start doing something else, that helps.  Good luck, and keep hanging around here--this is a family, too.

[enlighten me]

Hi C and B

Welcome to the family.

It doesn't sound like rambling at all. It sounds all too familiar. There are plenty of posts almost identical to what you wrote and one of them is mine.

I too was in a relationship with a woman that I loved but who closed the door on me emotionally. We have a son who is now two and I left his mum when he was one. She also co slept with him for many months. Our intimacy died as soon as she was pregnant and she was not willing for anyone to look after our son so we could have even a few hours together. It was the loneliest time of my life.

It took me many miserable months before I got up the courage to end things.

It took me a while to get over her but I have and I am happy now. Our son is a happy little chap and I get to see him quite a bit.

What are your concerns with ending this relationship?

Keep posting as your not alone. It does help and even though your friends and family may not understand what your going through and have been through we do.

EM

[cold_and_broken]

I'm not sure I really have any concerns with ending things; I just can't do it.  I don't know why but I just can't.  I've developed some significant anxiety in the last few years and I take medications for it but that's about the best that I can come up with overall.  I don't care about ending things causing a financial hardship and I think it would be healthier for my son overall and I'll still be there for him so I don't think that's what's stopping me either.  Maybe it's just some sort of stockholm syndrome because sometimes my wife can be so nice and makes it seem like there's hope for the future, like maybe if I try to ring that bell just one more time I'll get a treat, so I keep ringing it.  I've read through a lot of the material on here and I got a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells too so I'm trying out a lot of things to try to make this manageable in the meantime.  I also don't know if I'll actually be happier without this relationship either; I do know that I'm miserable now though.  I just don't know how to end it.  I don't know what to say, when to say it, what I should do prior to saying whatever I should be saying, etc.  Any advice?  What did you all do?

[enlighten me]

Everything you wrote I could have written about myself.

Im quite a robust guy. I was in the army and have been on numerous operational tours. Ive been shot at, mortared and rocketed many times. Ive been in life and death situations quite a few times and never been phased. With my exgf I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Im certain I had some kind of PTSD and was about to go to the doctors for anti depressants.

I too couldn't pull the trigger. Just when I thought I ad the strength to do it she would do something that hooked me again. It didn't have to be much. Just a thank you would do it. I was waiting/ hoping/ praying for her to do something so I could justify ending it. It never came. In the end I just had to go for it. I don't know where I got the courage from. I just came out with it. I said this isn't working I thinks its best for us all if I move out. It was done. The words were out there and couldn't be taken back. It was a relief. Such a relief. That night I had my first half decent sleep in months.

I don't think there is a good time for something like this. You can end up waiting an waiting for it but it will never come and like an addict I kept hoping for another hit of the good times.

One thing I would recommend is getting documentation you need somewhere safe. Bank statements, passport, insurance policies, agreements etc.

If you end up moving out you will not want to have to go back and get it. It wouldn't be surprising if your wife prevented you from getting them or destroyed them.

I wish you all the best.

EM

[UndauntedDad]

Cold and broken,

The books and research are a great step.  I second EM about documentation.  I also recommend reading the book Splitting by Kreger and Eddy (see book reviews on this site), it is sort of an instruction manual on how to leave a marriage with someone with BPD / NPD.  It has a lot of worst-case scenarios, but it's useful to know what could happen.  When I read those worst-case stories, and compared them with some of what I had already been through, it made me feel better about leaving.

Here's how I broke the news.

In my specific case, I was married for 10 years, we also have 1 son, and I knew something was seriously wrong around 2010 or so--it wasn't just postpartum.  I decided to try and hold out for 4 or 5 more years, but things did not improve.  Eventually I came here, did the same research as you, read splitting, got my documentation in order, saw therapists, and meanwhile wrote my wife many earnest letters telling her that we needed to fix things or change, I was at the end of my rope.  The therapy and research helped me a lot, but there was very little change in my wife and eventually I decided I was done, I had to leave to survive (sorry for the melodrama, but that's how it felt.) 

I wrote her one more letter saying I wanted a divorce, I gave a timeline, and said my decision was solid and not going to change.  I mean, it took me almost 5 yrs to make the decision, it was not a whim.  For me, it was important to feel like "I really tried everything I could" before I gave her that letter; I didn't want to waffle on such a big decision, and it took me a long time to be sure.

Then after the "I'm leaving" letter, my wife suddenly was very interested in changing!  She booked us into marriage counseling (didn't help), saw a therapist (helped a bit) changed her meds (helped some), and her T convinced her to enroll in a DBT class (that helped a lot).  Wow!

Now my life is confusing, but that's a whole different story.  As of now, I'm still leaving.

Good luck and let us know how things go.  No matter what you do or decide, the information here is helpful, and as EM said, there are many people here who have been through similar stories.

[Michelle27]

I had such trouble making the final decision to end things too.  Probably for the last 2 years of the rs I was detaching emotionally and realizing how much better on my own I'd be.  I worked with a therapist on my own stuff (anger and resentments, codependency, etc.) and learned to have boundaries.  My ex on the surface seemed to understand and started making changes... .asked for a referral to a psychiatrist, started CBT classes, made more of an effort around the house and on himself (started showering almost every day... .which was huge... .) and got signed up with our local mental health organization in order to hopefully get DBT.  Sounds hopeful, right?  It just didn't feel right to me or anyone else.  Even a friend in his CBT class told me it seemed like he was there to learn the lingo and know what to say but not really letting the lessons go down deep enough. 

Finally, a few months into this process, he crossed my one boundary in which he knew the consequence was separation.  Of course, he was surprised I stuck to my guns as I never had before.  I called it a therapeutic separation and he continued with his therapy and I continued with mine.  Lasted 3 months like this and I still saw the manipulation (and stalking behaviors and inappropriate sexual stuff too) and finally made the decision to say it was over.  Was a hard conversation.  I wanted to do it with a therapist because I didn't feel safe but ultimately met him in a coffee shop to tell him because I needed it to be public.  After 9 years of raging and no end in sight to that behavior, plus infidelity and a million other lies, he had the nerve to say that I didn't give him enough of a chance to fix it.  Huh?

It's not easy, but the relief and no longer having the daily anxiety of what mood he might be in is amazing.  We also have a child (11 year old daughter) and he has all but cut off any contact with her.  5.5 hours of visitation since we separated in the first few days of July and of course, no child support paid.  He has also quit all of his therapies from what I can tell.  Of course, painting me black has probably resulted in his belief that I was the crazy one, not him.  But I am out and I am healing and that is worth everything.  My kids have much less stress in the home and so do I.  My home is finally a safe place for me, not one I have to flee when a rage hits.

[cold_and_broken]

Thanks for all the replies, it's really helping me a lot to see that there are others who have been through this.  Everyone so far has said something that I can relate to directly.  Things have been a bit better at home over the last week or so, but I think it's because I'm able to set boundaries and being more detached rather than that the relationship is getting better.  She knows that I'm sad but it's like she doesn't see that her behaviors have anything to do with it (and I know better than to even hint that it might have something to do with her).  She tells me how happy she is and that everything is so great but I think that this might just be some sort of control thing to make me feel guilty about being unhappy or manipulate me in some way, although I never would have suspected that if I hadn't learned some of the things that I have recently.  I think I'm going to start the process of getting copies of all the important documents together and in a safe place.  What all do I need to gather? 

I have no idea if I'll actually be better off on my own.  Maybe I'll never meet anyone else.  Maybe I will.  Maybe things will be harder.  Maybe I'll finally want to come home at the end of the day and I can stop dreading the weekend.  Maybe the few hours after midnight will be lonely and miserable again.  Too many maybes.  I know for certain that I'm miserable now and if I don't change something then I will remain miserable.  If she was going to change, she would have by now but like I said she tells me that she's totally happy and that this is the best time in her life.  At least if I get a chance to start over then I have a chance for something better and a chance to be happy again.  I'd rather take the chance than stay miserable forever.

[hurting300]

I'm not sure I really have any concerns with ending things; I just can't do it.  I don't know why but I just can't.  I've developed some significant anxiety in the last few years and I take medications for it but that's about the best that I can come up with overall.  I don't care about ending things causing a financial hardship and I think it would be healthier for my son overall and I'll still be there for him so I don't think that's what's stopping me either.  Maybe it's just some sort of stockholm syndrome because sometimes my wife can be so nice and makes it seem like there's hope for the future, like maybe if I try to ring that bell just one more time I'll get a treat, so I keep ringing it.  I've read through a lot of the material on here and I got a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells too so I'm trying out a lot of things to try to make this manageable in the meantime.  I also don't know if I'll actually be happier without this relationship either; I do know that I'm miserable now though.  I just don't know how to end it.  I don't know what to say, when to say it, what I should do prior to saying whatever I should be saying, etc.  Any advice?  What did you all do?

the right thing to do is sit her down and tell her your concerns, hire a good attorney and move forward if you feel like you have to leave this relationship. Be careful not to set her off. And whatever you do, don't just walk away and start ignoring her. Tell her your concerns in a safe place.

[Logic]

Hi... .u send the term... ."selfish and greedy" as if that's how your wife has referred to you... .is that so?... .I find it interesting I was just called the exact same by my BPDex... .absolutely no merit to it so take heed and know it's not u if so... .I just find it amazing how similar ppls stories are who have had to deal with this... .Stay strong... .and know it's a whole community that shares YOUR perspective because it's the only realistic one in a relationship with a person with BPD.