Just Got Knocked Down- HARD. Learned of replacement. Need consolement

[Darsha500]

Hi all,

I WISH I HAD ASKED MY FRIEND TO DELETE MY EX AS HIS FACEBOOK FRIEND! While just having a conversation with me, he inadvertently told me, "Yah man, she's already moved on, she's got a new man in her life." He thought i was over her and didn't realize that how such knowledge would affect me. I told another friend not to tell me what she was up to on Facebook. Apparently i forgot to tell my this friend to do so.

Holy Sh!t, the tears just started pouring from my eyes. I'm back at equilibrium now, but god damn. Here I have been, secretly wishing she has been suffering as much as me. But who am I kidding, I know her, I know how she is, i could have guessed she had a new man. I mean, i really did suspect it. Just finding out about it for reals, really messed me up.

How about this, how bout I reassure myself that she is a free person. That she is free to get with whoever she wants. How bout I wish her well, truly mean the last words I said, "I wish you peace and happiness." How about I recognize the fact that she is ill and is simply acting out of compulsion. That she is unlikely to find a sustainable relationship, unless she gets help... .

Jesus guys, it does hurt. A part of me still loves her. I want to detach! I want to be indifferent! but I'm still haunted.

could use some feedback.

Thank you!

[Herodias]

So sorry to hear your news... .I found out my ex was in a new r/s on FB as well. They were on vacation together and a mutual friend told me. It's a horrible way to find out. I miss the days when we just didn't know about this stuff. I don't think it's possible to wish them well when we are not over it. I thought I was doing better until my 7 year anniversary came today and I cried streaming tears all morning out of no where. I think it's our loneliness that hurts as well. They can so easily move to the next one and pretend to be happy, while we are smart and try to recover so we don't make poor choices next time. But it's lonely being smart! We have to know nothing will be different for the next person, we know that without years of DBT training, they won't be better, if that's any consolation. It's just so hard to move on when you did so much to care for this person and all they did was manipulate you and use you and toss you aside. Just try and work on you... .I am trying to stay busy. Just went to a movie today with friends. Do things you like to do... .it's hard, but it's the way to move forward. Also, I have been listening to u-tube videos on co-dependancy and learning why I was so attached to mine and understanding myself better. We need to improve ourselves to raise our self esteem that they beat up basically. Best wishes... .

[Darsha500]

WOW!

What I just experienced was SO PROFOUND!

I was sitting at my computer feeling my pain. I remembered what I had read in the power of now, about how in order to be rid of pain, one must hold pain in awareness. I realized that how i was sitting in my pain was sort of on autopilot. So i took a moment to be mindful, and found my hand flinging up in the air automatically. I told myself, just be aware and let your hand do its thing. It keep doing it, and as i went deeper into meditation, it started to fling up and fling down on my thigh really hard. As if their was this tantrum that was trying to be expressed from deep deep inside me.

I got up quickly to go over to my bed, laid down and then inside of my arm my head started shaking back and forth, like the shake your head "no" gesture. But it was doing so very violently, in little burst. I was telling myself, "Your okay, Your okay." but then i realized, "IM NOT OKAY!" then I said, "Its okay to be not okay." In that moment i had a revelation. I realized that i had felt early on in life that it wasn't okay to be not okay. That I had to be strong and so couldn't allow myself to fall to pieces. This revelation happened in a matter of seconds.

As i allowed myself to be not okay, all of the sudden this huge sorrowful wail came out of my mouth. Super loud. like it had just been waiting and waiting to come out. then a series of more head shaking and some more moaning.

Then when it seemed to be all out, I came on her to write this out. I bet you theres way more down there.

OH MY GOSH! such a trip. It makes me realize how repressed I am. How much pain I have hidden deep deep down. THE BODY KNOWS! my body was throwing a tantrum that had been repressed by my mind!

I am intrigued. I feel better in this moment. I want to get all those tears out, out from the underground spring with in.

[Darsha500]

So sorry to hear your news... .I found out my ex was in a new r/s on FB as well. They were on vacation together and a mutual friend told me. It's a horrible way to find out. I miss the days when we just didn't know about this stuff. I don't think it's possible to wish them well when we are not over it. I thought I was doing better until my 7 year anniversary came today and I cried streaming tears all morning out of no where. I think it's our loneliness that hurts as well. They can so easily move to the next one and pretend to be happy, while we are smart and try to recover so we don't make poor choices next time. But it's lonely being smart! We have to know nothing will be different for the next person, we know that without years of DBT training, they won't be better, if that's any consolation. It's just so hard to move on when you did so much to care for this person and all they did was manipulate you and use you and toss you aside. Just try and work on you... .I am trying to stay busy. Just went to a movie today with friends. Do things you like to do... .it's hard, but it's the way to move forward. Also, I have been listening to u-tube videos on co-dependancy and learning why I was so attached to mine and understanding myself better. We need to improve ourselves to raise our self esteem that they beat up basically. Best wishes... .

Thank you so much Herodias, Sincerely. I'm so grateful for you in this moment. Thank you.

[repititionqueen]

Sorry to hear Darsha, it's definitely one of the most painful parts of the whole relationship, that they can just move on and we're left hurt and alone.

When my ex left me he told me that he needed time to be alone and didn't want to be in a serious or longtime relationship for quite some time and then a few months later I found out he was with a close colleague of his (that I also found out he had been talking to about our relationship issues with the whole time we were together). He's been with her for over a year now and I heard from a friend (those damn friends who can't just keep their mouths shut) that he went and met her parents this summer.

I'm still feeling so hurt about the whole thing but ultimately, even if he is with her now he still isn't any better than he was before with me and I know he's likely hurting her as well.

I was walking home last night and just saying to myself "you have to let go you have to get over it, you have to accept that it's over and he'll never be healthy enough to love you properly"... .it's a constant struggle and I wish it was easier to just get over it and move on from the situation.

Let your pain out, allow yourself to cry and be sad. At least we are able to confront our feelings and gain insight into our emotions and lives, unlike our former partners who just jump from person to person in an attempt to escape their own reality... .

[Herodias]

I am glad you are getting it out... .I have read that is the best way to heal... .It's tough to let yourself do that. I kept stopping it, so you are correct on the repressed emotions. Get it all out now. Take advantage of the pain. If you do it in little spurts like me, it will keep coming up. So sorry again... .I know this is torture for you.  : (

[SGraham]

Hi all,

I WISH I HAD ASKED MY FRIEND TO DELETE MY EX AS HIS FACEBOOK FRIEND! While just having a conversation with me, he inadvertently told me, "Yah man, she's already moved on, she's got a new man in her life." He thought i was over her and didn't realize that how such knowledge would affect me. I told another friend not to tell me what she was up to on Facebook. Apparently i forgot to tell my this friend to do so.

Yeah thats rough. I basically told my friends "look if you talk to her or her friends or whatever and find anything out, i absolutely DONT want to know about it". God man i feel you when you say she haunts you, that is actually the exact word i use. hang in there bud.

Best wishes,

SG

[gameover]

Darsha500,

One thing that helped me in dealing with being replaced was realizing and maintaining consciousness of my ego's role in all of this.

In fact, the ego is where a pwBPD sets their hooks.  It feels so good for someone to look at you and see the most awesome person ever--to have someone who constantly tells you how awesome you are.  So if the ego is where the hooks are set, then it only makes sense that the ego is where the hooks get ripped out from when you ex suddenly finds someone else just as apparently awesome.

For me, I had never taken the time to make the distinction between my ego and myself, but your ego is what's hurting right now.  Once you're able to detach yourself from your ego (meditation helps) you'll recognize that, Yeah, there were some things you lost.  You lost the dream, the fairy tale relationship, the constant companionship.  But you'll also realize that while those losses are tough (and they are), you still have your self worth; that your value isn't tied up in someone else's opinion of you.  

You've been enmeshed--and suddenly being ripped away from that enmeshment sucks.  But after you're able to reconnect with yourself, and realize all the things that you gave up to be in this relationship, things start to feel pretty good again.

Hang in there.  

[JohnLove]

Hello Darsha500, I am so sorry you are suffering but your profound emotional release sounds very healing. I feel that your body is psychologically resetting itself. Pain is not just contained in the mind. By this time you should have also experienced a realisation concerning this deep pain from within and have a greater sense of perspective. It sounds very cathartic. You are on your path. Just go with it.

I feel you if you have to go through that again it would not have quite the same intensity, and if you do I would welcome it. Sometimes when driving in the car (where we are alone with our thoughts) I have practiced the fine art of screaming... .as hard as you can. It's very primal and can allow you to release anger, negative energy, unexpressed emotions, etc... .and it can be quite powerful. No one can hear you if the windows are up and you're moving... .and you don't need the body to take control, it is something you can do for yourself. You may feel awkward, or uneasy at first as it is not politically correct to express ourself like this in modern society and this is why I dont recommend you try this at home. 

I hope you are feeling much better already. 

[disorderedsociety]

WOW!

What I just experienced was SO PROFOUND!

I was sitting at my computer feeling my pain. I remembered what I had read in the power of now, about how in order to be rid of pain, one must hold pain in awareness. I realized that how i was sitting in my pain was sort of on autopilot. So i took a moment to be mindful, and found my hand flinging up in the air automatically. I told myself, just be aware and let your hand do its thing. It keep doing it, and as i went deeper into meditation, it started to fling up and fling down on my thigh really hard. As if their was this tantrum that was trying to be expressed from deep deep inside me.

I got up quickly to go over to my bed, laid down and then inside of my arm my head started shaking back and forth, like the shake your head "no" gesture. But it was doing so very violently, in little burst. I was telling myself, "Your okay, Your okay." but then i realized, "IM NOT OKAY!" then I said, "Its okay to be not okay." In that moment i had a revelation. I realized that i had felt early on in life that it wasn't okay to be not okay. That I had to be strong and so couldn't allow myself to fall to pieces. This revelation happened in a matter of seconds.

As i allowed myself to be not okay, all of the sudden this huge sorrowful wail came out of my mouth. Super loud. like it had just been waiting and waiting to come out. then a series of more head shaking and some more moaning.

Then when it seemed to be all out, I came on her to write this out. I bet you theres way more down there.

OH MY GOSH! such a trip. It makes me realize how repressed I am. How much pain I have hidden deep deep down. THE BODY KNOWS! my body was throwing a tantrum that had been repressed by my mind!

I am intrigued. I feel better in this moment. I want to get all those tears out, out from the underground spring with in.

Very good! Its a good thing to get all that out. I had many such moments. Its like a purging of the crap that builds up inside. The beliefs. You'll be ok.

[HappyNihilist]

I was telling myself, "Your okay, Your okay." but then i realized, "IM NOT OKAY!" then I said, "Its okay to be not okay." In that moment i had a revelation. I realized that i had felt early on in life that it wasn't okay to be not okay. That I had to be strong and so couldn't allow myself to fall to pieces. This revelation happened in a matter of seconds.

As i allowed myself to be not okay, all of the sudden this huge sorrowful wail came out of my mouth. Super loud. like it had just been waiting and waiting to come out. then a series of more head shaking and some more moaning.

This is so wonderful to hear. 

My experience has been that the most important revelations come like that - things clicking into place in a matter of seconds. Thoughts and realizations piling on top of each other and quickly fitting together to make perfect sense.

In my first major revelation after my breakup, I cried my eyes out, threw up, and collapsed covered in sweat on my bathroom floor. I then felt myself filling with light. I could have sworn I was lighting the whole world. It was beautiful, and it was just the first of quite a few profound revelations along my journey of healing and self-discovery.

Cherish these insights and revelations... .don't underestimate the importance and profoundness of them. Keep sight of them as you move forward.

OH MY GOSH! such a trip. It makes me realize how repressed I am. How much pain I have hidden deep deep down. THE BODY KNOWS! my body was throwing a tantrum that had been repressed by my mind!

You're absolutely right - the body knows. If you open yourself up to listening to yourself, accepting yourself, then you allow your psyche the opportunity to process and purge.

Because it's absolutely, positively ok to not be ok. You deserve to feel your pain, to not be ashamed or scared of your broken parts. We are all broken. Life breaks us all, in some way. We are all not ok at times.

The only way to heal a wound is to acknowledge it and take care of it. It's like stepping on a rusty nail - if you ignore the wound, it will fester with infection that will then spread through your body, until eventually your body can't fight it anymore. Core wounds are the same way in principle. When they are repressed, they fester and infect every aspect of our lives.

You're doing great work, Darsha. I'm so glad you've had this profound experience. It will keep getting better. 

[saintgrey]

I know that feel, worthless... .the good thing is your not and in your words its clear how much she meant to you.

Im going through something similar i was very hurt at first with a lot of dark thoughts  alone with my feelings while my ex was "happy" and with the love of her life days after she trashed a 6 years rs, finding out this all started during our break/time off (i suspect while we were together) and the details i found later.

That rs lasted a whole month... .

This site helped me a lot, talking with people that understand and more importantly recognize your part in the rs.

[helpmewithbpd]

I know exactly what you going through iIwent through it 3 years ago with my ex BPD gf and I know I'm about to go through it all again,  I know she's seeing someone else and was almost straight away soon as we broke 3 months ago so I'm just waiting for the day no for it to pop up again and iIknow it's going to destroy me again,  I feel so sorry for you  as I know how much this hurts and destroys our lives at the time

[enlighten me]

Hi Darsha

Im sorry you are going through this. It a real blow when you find this out. The fact that it is inevitable doesn't make it any easier. You cant go on with your life and expect them not to.

I had to stay in contact with my exs as we have kids. This in a way dampened the blow of replacement as I had to desensitize myself. Its not an easy thing to do and any contact at first was very triggering.

Maybe this is the start of you desensitizing yourself.

[Pretty Woman]

A very wise woman once told me... .

"If you think she is going to do a 360 and be wonderful to the next person you are wrong. How could someone who treated you with 0 respect and just abandoned you after you threw them an amazing birthday be better to the next? You did nothing wrong. You loved her with an open and huge heart unconditionally and she treated you like garbage".


It is very hard to be replaced. As time goes on you will see you weren't really replaced as you are imagining.

People are a NEED to the BPD. We aren't really people to them. None of us are that "special snowflake". We are what they NEED at that moment. How we viewed the relationship was much different than how they viewed it. Their lives are like a kid playing with dolls. They switch out toys as they go along. Everyone is disposable.

Your replacement... .

disposable.

You loved. You are fully capable of love... .

She is not capable of giving nor receiving it.

It hurts like H E L L and I feel for you. I've been there. Try to stay off social media. Most of what they post is a facade. You aren't getting the "full story" there and reading into it hurts you more. Tell any mutual friends not to inform you of anything going on with them. The good friends won't tell you. You need full NC to recover and even hearing about it is a form of contact that impedes your recovery.

Cry, scream and let it out! Be angry and upset. All of this has helped me immensely. I am finally at the point I am ok with my ex having left. She treated me badly and not as I deserved. If this were a "" normal breakup there would have been closure. She would not have called me her "best friend" tell me "nothing is going to change, we will still hang out" and then completely go ICE cold for the past four months running off into the "sunset" with this woman who is her complete opposite. This is a seriously sick individual and even though I do NOT have an official BPD diagnosis something is clearly wrong with her. You don't treat others with cruel abandon... .

unless something is wrong with you.

I am sending you a lot of positive vibes today and virtual  

IT DOES GET BETTER!

It takes time.  I promise it does get better though.

PW

[problemsolver]

This is interesting , Ironically enough I know it literally broke her last boyfriends heart when my BPDex was with me... .but my theory is she was leading him on to keep him as a back after me or whatever... she told me she was done with him etx etc... but for several months she kept me under the radar... only after she announced the r/s with me is when she realized what she had done... you can't have him and me and other options something has to give. . But yeah I believe he was devastated because she was probably like I miss you blay blah blah while sleeping with me like that's tough... .I laughed it off at the time wonder ing why is this guy so bitter? ? but now I'm him you know? In any case look at it this way would you rather sit in the dark and wonder what she's doing or have a bright line shining on it? Something to think about.

[Chrisbazsky77]

  hey Darsh,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that the other day. I really do hope that you are feeling stronger?

The emotional release that you experienced is overwhelming during but afterward, you just feel lighter. (I've had many of these recently too)

I strongly feel that no matter how careful we are about NOT hearing about our exes, someone, somewhere is bound to slip through bits over our way that we'd rather not know about.

With that in mind, I prepared myself somewhat about how I might react in multiple scenarios e.g, receiving messages or calls from him, seeing him at a mall by accident, bumping into someone that knows him, hearing he is seeing someone... .gees I literally wrote every possible scenario down that I could think of!

What is working for me might not gel with you-as we all feel differently, however pre-empting these situations and creating virtual responses to them in my mind makes me feel less inundated or overwhelmed.

Take care of yourself-we are all here for you!

[Pretty Woman]

Problemsolver brings up a good point. We ALL replaced someone else.

I am friendly with the woman I replaced. After all this I actually apologized to her.  My ex had told me this woman was a sex addicted stalker. I found out two months into the relationship that was true. This woman had sold her house and was moving her to be with our ex when I came into the picture.

I technically displaced this woman.  She went on to meet another woman and they share a lovely home together and are happy. Still, she was a mess when this happened and rightfully so.

Honey, the pattern repeats itself, just with different players. The longer you are away from it the easier it gets. The silence is deafening at first. No drama. We really become addicted to the drama.  Once that's gone a bit and you get back to the person you were before this... .it's just a beautiful thing. Life becomes enjoyable again. You just need to get though the grief... .grieving a relationship that didn't really exist.

[DaKid]

This is how I am feeling at the moment too.

Just want to thank everyone for all of the perspectives and helpful tips at this time of dispair.

For me, I had never taken the time to make the distinction between my ego and myself, but your ego is what's hurting right now.  Once you're able to detach yourself from your ego (meditation helps) you'll recognize that, Yeah, there were some things you lost.  You lost the dream, the fairy tale relationship, the constant companionship.  But you'll also realize that while those losses are tough (and they are), you still have your self worth; that your value isn't tied up in someone else's opinion of you. 

This hits home too. Anyone have some tips on working through this?

A very wise woman once told me... .

"If you think she is going to do a 360 and be wonderful to the next person you are wrong. How could someone who treated you with 0 respect and just abandoned you after you threw them an amazing birthday be better to the next? You did nothing wrong. You loved her with an open and huge heart unconditionally and she treated you like garbage".


It is very hard to be replaced. As time goes on you will see you weren't really replaced as you are imagining.

People are a NEED to the BPD. We aren't really people to them. None of us are that "special snowflake". We are what they NEED at that moment. How we viewed the relationship was much different than how they viewed it. Their lives are like a kid playing with dolls. They switch out toys as they go along. Everyone is disposable.

Your replacement... .

disposable.

You loved. You are fully capable of love... .

She is not capable of giving nor receiving it.

It hurts like H E L L and I feel for you. I've been there. Try to stay off social media. Most of what they post is a facade. You aren't getting the "full story" there and reading into it hurts you more. Tell any mutual friends not to inform you of anything going on with them. The good friends won't tell you. You need full NC to recover and even hearing about it is a form of contact that impedes your recovery.

Cry, scream and let it out! Be angry and upset. All of this has helped me immensely. I am finally at the point I am ok with my ex having left. She treated me badly and not as I deserved. If this were a "" normal breakup there would have been closure. She would not have called me her "best friend" tell me "nothing is going to change, we will still hang out" and then completely go ICE cold for the past four months running off into the "sunset" with this woman who is her complete opposite. This is a seriously sick individual and even though I do NOT have an official BPD diagnosis something is clearly wrong with her. You don't treat others with cruel abandon... .

unless something is wrong with you.

I may print this out to read every time I actually start to be upset about her moving on so quickly like I meant nothing.

Thank you everyone... .